Caught wife in the act with another man

[Caughtwifewithanotherman]

I can't quite believe I'm on here posting, but I stumbled across this site this morning whilst trying to make sense of the worst night of my life last night. I'm not sure I'm "allowed" to post on here as a bloke, but I'm hoping for some advice as I don't know what to do and am feeling devastated.

I discovered my wife straddled on top of another man (that she works with) in our car after a night out that they'd been on (they'd been to an evening function with other people as well and were both drunk). I had been working away for the day and had arranged to meet her and arrived early (it was actually 11pm - the car was on a deserted car park).

They hadn't had sex, but had done pretty much everything else and I can't get the image out of my head of opening the car door and finding them there on the passenger seat (her straddling him, bra undone, him with hand between her legs ...).

We've been together 12 years, married for 8 and 30's. She is the love of my life and I'm totally gutted. Our marriage has been going through a difficuly period for a few months now as we both feel as though we've drifted apart and not sure what we want from life - partly attributed to a feeling of marrying "too young". We are both "nice / normal" people who rarely argue and this is so out of character it's unbelievable.

I'm not sure I can forgive her as the pain is so intense. I'm sure it wouldn't be as bad if she'd told me about it as opposed to me discovering it.

We have talked and cried for hours and she has said it meant nothing and she saw it as more of a "shock factor" type moment and in a perverse kind of way she is glad I've found out as it might revive and save our marriage.

To make things worse I've been suspicious about my wife and this "colleague" for several months now - lots of time spent away working, hundreds of texts (I've now seen them and it is obvious that despite some flirty banter, this was the first time it was acted upon).

I think we both want to make a go of it but my wife (based upon the unhappy period of a few months before last night) doesnt seem so certain, although she is desperate for us to "try". I've told her all contact with this guy will need to cease (Facebook, twitter, texts, emails etc), although I recognise their paths may cross due to their line of work. When I talked about deleting him from twitter etc she didnt seem convinced - she knows she's made a huge mistake and doesnt seem to realise what impact it would have on me if they remained FB friends etc.

I'm in the depths of despair - please help. I also forgot to mention we have a 5 year old daughter - how could she.

Right so why was the op getting the impression from our advice before you came that he shouldn't take her back then? Why does he need to be personally attacked by you?

Thanks thedrizzle I knew you'd see the light. Now why don't you let the OP have his much needed thread back?

Just out of interest, I wonder how many women are serial cheaters? I know men that are, but don't know any women. And whilst we are the same species I do think a woman cheating can be indicative of trouble at home and are rarely a quick fuck because they won't get caught.

I'm really prepared to be told I'm wrong and that research doesn't show this, it may well be women don't serial cheat as they are not forgiven or usually when they cheat they either don't get caught or leave the relationship.

If I'm right OP this may well be a wake up call for you both, seems like you've lost your way. Personally I could never forgive, but if you feel you can and she's very very sorry then perhaps you get to start again.

Posie - I am afraid there are women who are serial cheaters, I personally know two. Probably not as many as male serial cheaters but I remember reading research somewhere that there is a growth in the number of women cheating, mainly due to more women working and there being more opportunities to cheat.

I just wanted to chip in my tuppence worth. Firstly, well done for how you are dealing with this so far, you come across as very thoughtful and mature.
Second, I know a couple who have come back from a situation even worse than his, there was an affair that went on a long time. It took years and years and was shitting hard for both of them, but they are finally back in a happy place now, ten years after the event.
So it can be done, but I've seen more couples split up over this sort of stuff than stay together.
Whatever you decide, good luck and remember that this is not your fault x

Your daughter is 5 and hopefully blissfully unaware but she may feel a bad atmosphere or unhappy one even if she doesn't understand the reason for it.

Please don't underestimate what little children pick up on.

Troll, twat, anymore names you'd like to throw out because you don't agree with me and I state my opinions? Well done.

Op. That is truly awful! What a horrible thing to discover!

Drizzle. You sound very bitter. Im sorry that something has happened to make you that way.

I am not "playing" after this post, but Drizzle whilst you are perfectly entitled to your view that this situation is a deal breaker for a marriage (which is a view shared by many others) your tone and language is inappropriately aggressive and unhelpful.

The fact that you have bother to post suggests you are either a) trying to be helpful to the OP albeit in a rude and quite frankly nasty way b) using this forum as a vehicle to vent your own frustrations and present your own agenda.

If its the former, then perhaps try modifying the tone of your posts if you want you opinion to be taken seriously and play a constructive role in helping the OP. If is that later then please have the decency to stop posting and derailing the thread for the OP.

mrdrivel Not true, I can't forgive any cheating within any relationship, but I wouldn't expect others to be as harsh as me.

And men are women are different, our motivations are different and so the OP may find it easier to move forward if he considers what's actually going on.

Ooohhh I've got loads, I could be here all day! but I prefer to leave this thread now. Something not quite right as usualsuspect says.

Just to join in with the 'uproar' for a moment. Do you think what you are saying, and the way you are saying it is helping the op in any way shape or form thedrizzle , since the majority of your posts talk about the way you would feel and what you would do, and you aren't taking into account anything the op said he feels, I think you are are probably just trying to hurt someone who is already hurting. Please go and take your misogynistic views where they belong in the dark ages

Op I'm sorry you are having to read this shit. Please do try and ignore it, there has been so much great advice on here, and your strength shines through in your posts. Your daughter is a lucky girl to have such a great role model.

Oh u poor pet. I'm so sorry, so flaming unfair. Unfortunate life looks set to be messy for a while. I realise the pair of you don't really know what's happening, you do need to find a way to try to communicate together with your child. I'm unsure of age I may have misread. Don't pretend not much is happening but have atmosphere and then rip their world apart. They sense much more than you realise, and I see you both view your child as extremely important.

That said you need to work this out together, and this is going to take time. 2-3 mths is nothing. Move in haste repent at leisure is not a saying for nothing. Accept legal advice, but don't act until your sure-er of how you feel about it. At this point, much like this, just view it as opinion gathering!

Ultimately it's ur own opinions that are most important so listen to others but do what u feel is best, when u work out what that is. Don't wait for the other person to call the shots. It honestly won't win you anything in the long run....

Hugs

PMSL at mrdrivel

I aim to please.

As I am myself a man, and you are mostly women, I do feel I am much better qualified than you are to give advice to a man.

I like mrdrivel. I'll email the admin and see if they can change my username. Thank you.

Can I second what Charbon just said- dont let the thread get derailed.

I agree that honesty is the only way, and you may take some time to get to all of it- including her talking truthfully about why she did it.

The Not Good Friends book is very good, and has a list of questions you can ask her- I thought I had imagined and asked every possible question, but the few (10) she suggested were the obvious and best ones

eg 'what did you see or experience in the other person which you found attractive/compelling, and what did you get out of the situation- they give you a lot of insightful info, if you think about it.

Frank Pittman on infidelity is also good, in my view.

I did stay with my h after his infidelity last year, and wish you all the best. It is a hard struggle to get over what happened but if you put that work in , and if she does, you may end up with a stronger marriage in future, albeit one with an old war wound.

Its not advice though drizzle. Its you are a twat, don't be such a mug, etc etc. (or something along those lines. YOU wouldn't work on relationship so you're saying op shouldn't either. It doesn't work like that.