Caught wife in the act with another man

[Caughtwifewithanotherman]

I can't quite believe I'm on here posting, but I stumbled across this site this morning whilst trying to make sense of the worst night of my life last night. I'm not sure I'm "allowed" to post on here as a bloke, but I'm hoping for some advice as I don't know what to do and am feeling devastated.

I discovered my wife straddled on top of another man (that she works with) in our car after a night out that they'd been on (they'd been to an evening function with other people as well and were both drunk). I had been working away for the day and had arranged to meet her and arrived early (it was actually 11pm - the car was on a deserted car park).

They hadn't had sex, but had done pretty much everything else and I can't get the image out of my head of opening the car door and finding them there on the passenger seat (her straddling him, bra undone, him with hand between her legs ...).

We've been together 12 years, married for 8 and 30's. She is the love of my life and I'm totally gutted. Our marriage has been going through a difficuly period for a few months now as we both feel as though we've drifted apart and not sure what we want from life - partly attributed to a feeling of marrying "too young". We are both "nice / normal" people who rarely argue and this is so out of character it's unbelievable.

I'm not sure I can forgive her as the pain is so intense. I'm sure it wouldn't be as bad if she'd told me about it as opposed to me discovering it.

We have talked and cried for hours and she has said it meant nothing and she saw it as more of a "shock factor" type moment and in a perverse kind of way she is glad I've found out as it might revive and save our marriage.

To make things worse I've been suspicious about my wife and this "colleague" for several months now - lots of time spent away working, hundreds of texts (I've now seen them and it is obvious that despite some flirty banter, this was the first time it was acted upon).

I think we both want to make a go of it but my wife (based upon the unhappy period of a few months before last night) doesnt seem so certain, although she is desperate for us to "try". I've told her all contact with this guy will need to cease (Facebook, twitter, texts, emails etc), although I recognise their paths may cross due to their line of work. When I talked about deleting him from twitter etc she didnt seem convinced - she knows she's made a huge mistake and doesnt seem to realise what impact it would have on me if they remained FB friends etc.

I'm in the depths of despair - please help. I also forgot to mention we have a 5 year old daughter - how could she.

Your wife has probably spent the morning getting her story straight with the other man... She might just be playing for time.

Lovely women dont take men into their cars for a quick shag before their husbands get there to pick them up! (do you really think they would have stopped at undoing her bra? All she had to do was undo his zip...)

If I were you, I would be speaking to a solicitor regardless.

I'm sorry but she sounds like a complete piece of work, an emotional affair for months, you catch her 'with' him, and now she is stringing you along as she doesn't know what she wants.

I agree with all the above advice. And I am so so sorry this happened to you. Have you got anyone in RL to speak to about this at all?

Oh and don't trust what she is saying right now , look at how she behaves .

There has been hundreds of threads when the spouse has been caught cheating , and says all the right things , then does a runner a few months down the line to the om/ ow. ( usually when the window for divorce on grounds of adultery closes . You need to start it within 6 months of finding out or you can divorce under those ground and it then means a no fault one and you have to pay costs or something or other ...check with lawyer ) .

Remember at all times , cheaters are liars and have probably done many times without you knowing you've been lied to ...do not trust what she says .

I am so sorry for the pain you must be feeling.
I sincerely hope your wife opens her eyes and realises what she is losing. You sounds like a loving husband.

Droves (and everyone) - thank you (I started crying as I read your message, you are so kind and I feel like such a sap even in these circumstances).

The last conversation I had with her a short time ago was the first time I have taken full control of the situation since it happened. I'm not prepared to keep hanging on whilst she "chooses" for weeks on end, but I recognise we have a young daughter that we need to take into account.

I felt stupid (and big headed) saying it, but I told my wife that I was a good guy - I work hard for my family, I have built up a great career for myself, we go on nice holidays, I adore her, we go on lots of family days out together etc. I am also (and never will be) any of the things I have read in other posts about people being abusive, controlling, bullying etc - I'm just a "normal" outgoing kind of a guy devoted to my family (and friends). I know this isn't about looks (I'm no Brad Pitt, kind of "average"!), but I can't help comparing myself to this other guy - finding faults in myself and good things in him.

I recognise that she might have been looking for a bit of excitement - the humdrum of daily life can be boring and depressing sometimes - but to risk it all for this guy is something that I can't come to terms with, no matter what state our marriage was in.

Thank you all.

I would advise moving out to give both of you space and time to think through what you both want and what you can forgive. This type of infidelity where you knew something was going on in the background and then reality strikes, is very hard to cope with. I think your wife is not at all over this man and is torn between him and yourself. She needs time and space to decide what she really wants. Forcing her to choose just will not work and will cause immense heartbreak for you if she appears to be making a go of it with you and then decides she wants the other man. Thats twice the pain for you.

OK, so practically speaking it looks like moving out is not an option for either of you (and nor do I think it should be for you) but assuming you wouldn't be able to manage the logistics of your daughter with your work.

So I think you need to detach from your wife for a while, as much as you can whilst living under the same roof. Do you have a spare room she could move in to for a while? Are you able to function in a civil way whilst remaining at arms length so you can get your head around how to move forward?

The danger with any discovery like this is that unless one you moves out, it is too easy to drift into what feels comfortable and safe. Especially when you are hurt and vulnerable - it's ironic really, because its the time you need your 'best friend' to be your best friend but if they have betrayed you, you have to be stoic which is the last thing you feel. But if you do drift into vaguely getting past it with no initial consequence or thought to how and if you can move forward, your wife will not understand the jeopardy that she has put your marriage in.

At the moment, it sounds as though you are the one fighting for the marriage and not her. That's because she doesn't really understand that she is in danger of losing everything. She needs to be the one fighting to save your relationship and she will only do this if she understands that it is at permanent risk.

I second what has been said about hearing this scenario tons of times. They never work out.

As I said before 'talk is cheap' and, at times like this when you're flat on the canvas with tweety-birds going round your head, you will grab onto anything she says because you're desperate for something to give you hope. I'm glad you're talking but do be prepared for the next phase of this which is that you will soon stop thinking about your DW as 'lovely' and, as the days wear on and the shock wears off, you will start to see her in a different light.

I'm so sorry for what you are experiencing, but I think your wife is lying to you and I think there is more than usual cruelty in the mix here.

I don't believe that the first time anything physical happened between them coincided with you seeing it. She has been in close proximity to this man for a long time and last night was not their first opportunity.

The fact that she arranged for you to meet her there makes me think she wanted you to see this. Her ambivalence this morning and reluctance to give up this relationship completely reinforces that.

If she's changed her mind within a couple of hours, I think one of only two things has happened; the other man has got cold feet or they are playing for time.

Can you take some time off work and ask her to move out for a while so that you can get some headspace?

I feel very sorry for you. Can she change jobs? After all, they probably email at work and for sure will talk this week about it and he will either blow her off , want to carry on in secret, or say she can be with bim and bring dd too. Did she come home with you straight away when you found them? Did he say anything to you, am assuming he knows she is married. Can you really trust her again? If it was my dh I honestly think although I would try, the stress and worry would be too much.

It's not just about her wanting to try again, it's about how you feel about carrying on and wondering if she will do it again. If I were you I would certainly look at my rights anyway and do not leave to give her space or anything like that. As another poster already said, many women would have to manage and do manage when alone, so do not assume its best for your dd for you to leave.
You would manage, with babysitters and childminders, or moving closer to your family.

I hope you manage to work it out, but she needs to work a lot harder than you! It's not your responsibility to be mr perfect in case she gets restless.

Does anybody think there is a chance of a happy future for us together? (if she ceases all contact and we both put our energies into making our marriage work).

She definitely hasn't spoken to the other guy this morning - but will probably call this afternoon to tell him that contact is totally ceasing (I do believe she will do this).

One other thing I didn't tell you (to complete the picture) is something I'm really upset about - before we went to bed in the early hours, I've discovered she text him saying "hope your ok, sorry". As I write this, I think I know what the response from everyone will be.

I know I'm burying my hand in the sand - I just want things to be back to normal again and I know that even if we can recover, I won't be able to get last night's image out of my head.

Lavender - thank you. The other man is also married (but no kids). I was just "numb" last night when I found them (I didnt do the stereotypical punch him or anything like that). I asked him what his wife would think if she knew and he said "move back to Scotland".

Yes, be prepared for the rage stage. When I first found out I actually didn't feel I had been betrayed - that was shock protecting me but my god, I had never felt rage like it when it hit, how could he do this to the DCs more than me, mess up their security etc.

Remember this isn't about you, your marriage or the OM (in fact he is only a bit part in all of this) - this is about your DW, her issues, what she said to herself to give herself permission to do this, what need this met in her (to bolster her self esteem etc). You will tear yourself inside out trying to work out how you didn't measure up, please don't go there, it really isn't about you. The affair is 100% her responsibility, you only had responsibility as far as your marriage went, she chose to and gave herself permission to cheat.

It could only work if she was totally honest with you and took complete responsibility for it, instead of what's happening now; lying to you and blaming your marriage for her behaviour.

Is the other man in a relationship?

What makes you believe this was the first time? You said that she/they have spent lots of time away working.

Caught I am sorry but really I don't think it will work out. If she can behave like this she doesn't respect your relationship as much as you do. If you catching her was really the shock she needs to make it work with you she wouldn't hesitate in ceasing all contact and she certainly wouldn't have text him last night.

Caughtwife ...you really are quite amazing . You seem in control of your thoughts and have kept any anger about the situation in check . Dignified , but not defeated .

I can honestly say without a doubt that you are a better man than him. Don't compare yourself to him . He's nothing , not fit to lick your boots .

What kind of man encourages someone to destroy their family ? . No real man would do such a thing . A pathetic , hedonistic slug is a better description for him.

In my opinion , a man worth having is loyal , kind , who works to provide for his family , he prizes his children before everything and respects people . You have done all these things .

Like I said , no comparison .

Charbon - the other man has been married for about 4 years and is about 8/9 years older than us). I have seen the texts on her phone (with permission last night) - there are 100's of them, but nothing at all to suggest there has been any kind of physical activity or meet ups. The working away is not overnight (day-time) and with other people almost all of the time - I know I can only take her word (and trust) on this and I'm also aware of what state that same trust is in now.

caught - if you could make it work, you would both need to go to Relate or some sort of counselling. You keep saying that you wont be able to get that image out of your head..... So you would need help to do that. and you both need counselling to discuss the way forward , whether that be together or apart. IF she genuinely wants to save the marriage then she will go for counsellling. My STBXH flatly refused to go to counselling as he said that there was no point. This is because he was totally emotionally checked out of the marriage already.... He had been texting OW over 100 times a day, all day every day. Once an emotional bond has been made, they can find it very very difficult to break it.

Nothing is black and white, you need to talk to her and then talk some more, talking and getting answers is the only way you will heal, whether your marriage will survive is another thing.

My DH says his affair was like him putting his bare hand into an open fire, you know it is going to bloody hurt but you are inexplicably drawn to it. His affair made no sense and was nonsense, the OW awful etc but it was part of his self destruction period. He's had months of therapy to sort himself out.

Please look after yourself and your DD now, please start being a little bit selfish too.

"Does anybody think there is a chance of a happy future for us together? (if she ceases all contact and we both put our energies into making our marriage work). "

There's always chance. But it's that word both... If one of you is half-hearted, it won't work. And, even if everyone is quite wholehearted and you still can't shake the memory of what happened last night or get rid of the feeling that she's not what you signed up for, then that would be perfectly normal and you shouldn't feel that you are obliged to forgive.

I have heard it said that OW or OM is just a cipher - it could have been anyone, there is nothing special about them; it is simply a means to escape the routine and enjoy a fantasy.

I must be wired differently because being married with a child would mean cheating on my husband and risking my family would not be something I'd do lightly on a whim or because my married life had hit a dull phase. Anyway that's irrelevant.

Is this man her colleague or her boss or junior to her, is there any way she can avoid working with him or transfer?

Just read OM is married. That does not mean he is likely to drop out of the picture. Do not be hoodwinked by any "He had just as much to lose as me, it would never have gone too far".

Droves - thank you. The only way I'm holding it together is for my daughters sake. She cannot and will not be impacted by this, despite my feelings about what my wife has done. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination - I'm a bit grumpy sometimes and work too much sometimes, but on the whole I'm just a nice normal guy who wants to do his best.

The general consensus seems to be there is no chance of us "surviving" - this is really upsetting as I still love her dearly (I know, daft - but I can't turn my feelings off) and saw us growing old together. I get on really well with her family and other than a rocky patch in our marriage (with us BOTH feeling depressed and BOTH having areas in which we needed to improve our day to day behaviour) I really felt that we'd be together forever (I still hope this by the way).

Yes but are the texts chronological and do they tie up with her phone bills? She may have deleted the most incriminating ones.

Have you searched the phone for hidden texts in other folders?

There might have been other forms of communication used too - chat, messenger, fb messages or e mails. Not to mention the spoken word as they see eachother every day.

Most affairs between married lovers are conducted in the daylight hours when they both fake other appointments or take a few hours off from work.

I cannot say if your marriage will recover . Only that some marriages do recover if the cheater withdraws from all contact form the other person involved . I mean all contact . And then makes a conscious effort to make amends not only for the adultery , but for the reasons they committed less that 100% to the marriage in the first place .

Counselling might help if , she is agreeable to it.

Regardless of what may happen in the next few weeks , you need to protect your position ...even if you want to try to make your marriage work . You need to limit the damage . If it turns out in the end that your wife if going to do her damnness to make it work and earn her way back to you then you have lost nothing , iykwim ?