Caught wife in the act with another man

[Caughtwifewithanotherman]

I can't quite believe I'm on here posting, but I stumbled across this site this morning whilst trying to make sense of the worst night of my life last night. I'm not sure I'm "allowed" to post on here as a bloke, but I'm hoping for some advice as I don't know what to do and am feeling devastated.

I discovered my wife straddled on top of another man (that she works with) in our car after a night out that they'd been on (they'd been to an evening function with other people as well and were both drunk). I had been working away for the day and had arranged to meet her and arrived early (it was actually 11pm - the car was on a deserted car park).

They hadn't had sex, but had done pretty much everything else and I can't get the image out of my head of opening the car door and finding them there on the passenger seat (her straddling him, bra undone, him with hand between her legs ...).

We've been together 12 years, married for 8 and 30's. She is the love of my life and I'm totally gutted. Our marriage has been going through a difficuly period for a few months now as we both feel as though we've drifted apart and not sure what we want from life - partly attributed to a feeling of marrying "too young". We are both "nice / normal" people who rarely argue and this is so out of character it's unbelievable.

I'm not sure I can forgive her as the pain is so intense. I'm sure it wouldn't be as bad if she'd told me about it as opposed to me discovering it.

We have talked and cried for hours and she has said it meant nothing and she saw it as more of a "shock factor" type moment and in a perverse kind of way she is glad I've found out as it might revive and save our marriage.

To make things worse I've been suspicious about my wife and this "colleague" for several months now - lots of time spent away working, hundreds of texts (I've now seen them and it is obvious that despite some flirty banter, this was the first time it was acted upon).

I think we both want to make a go of it but my wife (based upon the unhappy period of a few months before last night) doesnt seem so certain, although she is desperate for us to "try". I've told her all contact with this guy will need to cease (Facebook, twitter, texts, emails etc), although I recognise their paths may cross due to their line of work. When I talked about deleting him from twitter etc she didnt seem convinced - she knows she's made a huge mistake and doesnt seem to realise what impact it would have on me if they remained FB friends etc.

I'm in the depths of despair - please help. I also forgot to mention we have a 5 year old daughter - how could she.

You poor thing. I am really sorry, but I have to agree with others who say she does not have the same commitment to your marriage as you do.
She texted him to check he was OK?
That would have to be the last straw for me.

In terms of the future, I second getting a lawyer and thinking hard about your child.
If you were to give your wife another chance, and discover more betrayal in a few months/years it would be even worse, and your child would be that much older and more damaged by a the fallout.
The best thing you can do for your daughter is maintain your dignity, which you have done admirably, and start thinking practically.
I know society seems to think that in a spilt the mother would automatically become the resident parent, but in this case that would seem wrong to me.
You can travel for work and be a single parent, if she would have your child on those days.
You could work out some kind of joint custody arrangement-I know people for whom this has worked very well.
Under no circumstances should you leave the family home. You did nothing wrong.
It is such an awful thing to have to contemplate, but tbh I don't think this will be the end of it, and you will just have to try and limit the damage to your child, because at the end of the day she comes first.
Good luck. You sound like a decent bloke. Your wife is an idiot.

"I know I can only take her word (and trust) on this and I'm also aware of what state that same trust is in now. "

There is no trust now. That's always the problem after this kind of thing. Even if she swears on a stack of bibles, no matter how much you really want to believe, you are going to have a nagging doubt at the back of your mind that you're being lied to. Some people manage to suppress that in the interests of keeping the family together and being the bigger person but, speaking personally, I found it unbearable.

We also went through a rocky stressed patch prior to STBXH getting sucked in by OW. Theirs is very much an emotional affair. I was like you and would have done ANYTHING to have saved my marriage, but STBXH wasnt interested.

There is hope for you, but like said above, you BOTH have to want to do this. If she doesnt, then it will never work.

Try not to beg her, tell her that you need time to think about what you want. She does need to cut all communication with this man and that includes at work.

You might be wishing you had punched him although well done:)

They are clearly in a relationship of sorts, and you being up checking her phone is a sign of what your life is going to be like already. She says one thing and does another. There is no need for her to call him to say no contact, it's going to be obvious. And like I say, she will no doubt contact him at work. Can't she wait til Monday?

If I were you, I would take dd away for the weekend, to your parents. While you are there, organise an appointment at cab, and get your free half an hour at the solicitors. Because she might do the same.

Don't worry about schools - your dd s young, kids and teachers mve all the time and I bet there are nice schools near your parents. My dc have had to move schools due to dh work and they are fine.

You sound like you are musing how to cope in your head already, which IMO is very very sensible in this situation.

Charbon - the texts were chronological, but I've no idea about phone bills, hidden folders etc - as I've never ever gone snooping; I had total trust in her :-(

When I say they work together, they are not actually in the same office (or same company) but they are in the same field and would have the opportunity to bump into each other at events in the future. If the texting, facebooking etc stopped, the contact would pretty much stop. The question I'm sure I'd continually ask myself is "are they still talking / meeting up etc?".

You can recover from an affair but both parties have to want it in equal measures. For me I needed to know (and my DCs needed to know ) that we had tried everything to save the relationship and fortunately my DH felt the same. You cannot save the marriage on your own though. Will your DW go to counselling on her own?

Have you looked into some kind of counselling for you both as a couple?

I don't know how you would get over that kind of breaking of trust to be honest.

Can I also just say Caught , that you really need to be kind to yourself right now.

Sounds silly , but if your so wrapped up in what's happened , it would be really easy to let go of yourself a little . Don't do that . Make sure you eat , and do things you enjoy doing . Don't let this destroy every bit of happiness you have .
I know your heart broken at the moment , but the better you look after yourself the better you will be for dd . Most importantly keep up your social life .

You wife might just get the kick up the arse ne perspective she needs when she realises how strong your being .

I can only say thank you to everybody for the amazing response. You are all amazing to take the time to help a stranger.

Whilst I'm musing in my head how I would cope, I am also holding out hope that we can come through this. Please don't think I'm an idiot for thinking this - but for the sake of the last 12 years of my life (which have mainly been in a happy marriage), and also my daughter, I would want to at least try (with counselling etc) - but I know that we BOTH need to be FULLY committed to this to make it work.

ifnotnowthenwhen - yes, she text HIM!

I cannot believe that she texted him last night, concerned that he was alright. She is pretty hooked on him, isnt she....

I second taking your dd away for the weekend.

I know talking about her affair with friends and family is daunting, it makes it more real when the outside world knows what has been going on. But you need to think about yourself, and get support.

Btw caught, one of my friends is a single dad who has sole custody (ex out of the picture totally) and he has done this for 10 years. He works full time, with help from his parents, and is very happy, in a relationship, and has a great life.

I am also a lone parent (again, sole responsibility) and it's hard but do-able.

If you have shared custody it is much easier regarding things like work/socialising.

I know you still love your wife, and you want it to work, and it's normal to feel like that, but at least have some part of your brain working out coldly and logically what your next move will be.

Have to get back to work now! Stay strong.

I really do feel for you and I know you just want this to have been a nightmare. So the next best thing is to cling on to some hope that it will all turn out well in the end.

Do take heart - it just might. Relationships do recover from affairs but the ones who don't always have the same factors: remaining secrets and lies, failure to take personal responsibility, over-concentration on the marital relationship prior to the affair, failure to determine the true causes of the infidelity and the infidelity been viewed as an isolated act of selfishness and cruelty.

Whether your wife engineered last night or not, remember that she is high right now on adrenaline and shock. The things she is saying now are no more reliable than your own thought processes today.

What you need most now is truth and then some time to verify what she is saying from as many sources independent of her and which cannot lie. Things like phone bills, receipts, bank statements, e mails, diaries and schedules. You could ask to see her phone now but I expect the most incriminating material will have been deleted. But you can't self-delete phone bills and bank statements and some people are very careless about what they keep as souvenirs, even if they hide them in places they think no-one will look.

Once you feel you've got the truth, take some time to process what you've found out.

The first step in any recovery process is getting the truth. Start there first.

I think you need to form two plans of action .

How you will move forward with her , and another without her .

Once you've got that straight in your head , you will be covered for both possibilities .

It easy to let others take over when you've been emotionally shocked ...but right now a practicle solution will be easier to work through .

Have you asked her to go to counselling ? . If she's agreed , take charge and go book some. It's also a good idea to explore what you want . ( I know the first reaction is wanting the affair never to have happened in the first place , or to work past it ,hanging on is sometime the knee jerk ) .

What a terrible shock for you, OP. However I think the responses here are overly negative.

You can absolutely recover from an affair, if you both want to. ( as others have said )
I know several people in real life who have done so but they don't tend to hang out on the web talking about it.

She is not necessarily lying about anything at all. She may be utterly genuine in her remorse and willingness to work at getting happy together again. Time will tell. But I can't see how you can move forward if you act as thought you think she might be lying.

I wish you lots of love and luck.

Thanks again all. Whilst I desperately want us to stay together (if we BOTH commit), I wouldn't want my wife to be taken out of my daughter's life - this wouldn't be fair on my daughter and she is my primary concern in all of this. If we do go our separate ways, I suspect it will take me personally many years to get over the last 24 hours, but I will do EVERYTHING I can to minimise the impact on my daughter.

I don't want to add to your troubles in saying this, but this situation is capable of getting even worse.

Your wife may go looking for something she can accuse you of, to make you look and feel equally bad. So she'll blame you for your coldness towards her from now on, and will claim that although she sincerely regretted her affair and wanted to give it another go, you wouldn't let it go and you wouldn't move on in forgiveness. So it's all your fault.

+1 for the point about legal advice too. I suspect you'll find that since fault isn't taken into account in divorce, the outcome of one will much be same for you as if it had been you who had the affair.

I.e. there's a substantial likelihood it'll be your wife who gets care of your daughter, the house, etc.

What an awful shock.

Firstly, I think you have dealt with the situation with great restraint and dignity. It might not feel like it now, but holding onto the moral high ground will help you move forward.

I do think your marriage can be saved, but like others have posted you both need to commit to what will be a painful process of reflection, honesty, change and action.

I would probably look to try and seize control of the situation by drawing up a list of "next steps" that are non-negotiable if she wants to save the marriage along the lines of:

1. No further contact with OM by any means, other than an email you will review making it clear this relationship has ended. This should be done today.

1. She should move out of the marital bed into a spare room until you feel ready to re-connect with her.

1. She will commit to counselling.

1. You will have access to her phones, email passwords etc to ensure no contact is being maintained.

1. She will write her cv and start looking for a new job.

1. She will not go out without you wrt events involving booze until you feel able to trust her again.

You can obviously tailor this to what works for you, but I think part of this is her reaction. If she really wants to save this marriage she will commit to items such as those above without hesitation. If she doesnt then I'm sorry then I would be booking an appointment with a solicitor.

Best of luck

I have never known anyone who tells the whole truth straight away when they are found out. Not one.

Some people who confess without discovery do.

But people who get found out will usually lie about some or all of these things: when it started, that it's finished, whether there was sex, what sort of sex they had, how many times it happened, who knew, the feelings involved on either side, who pursued whom, what was said about the partner or primary relationship and why the affair happened.

Some of those are outright lies to conceal and some of those are lies to oneself.

If this was a woman posting about catching her man the responses would be completely different.

Its your choice what you do, but now you have that image in your head how can you be sure that you will learn to trust her all over and she wont do it again?

If it was me in you situation, I would be straight out the door.

Thanks again all, some great suggestions in here and it is genuinely helping to write it all down.

Do you all think it's a good idea for me to show my wife this thread tonight?

Charlee - in what way do you think the responses would be different?

No don't show her the thread. You need your own protected space right now.

Does she use this forum?

What an horrendous thing for you to have witnessed. Please have a virtual hug.

I feel that, somehwere in her drunken haze, its possible that your wife actually wanted you to witness what you did. She was aware that you were due to meet her. Also, by her admission she thinks it may have been a "good" thing. If she were truly sorry, she would be on her hands and knees begging your forgiveness, and making promises that it would never happen again. Not texting her f*ckbuddy to see if hes OK, and refusing initially to stop all contact.

You really do hold all the cards here, and how you play them now will have an impact on your future relationship. You have a great deal of self awareness - and no, you`re not bigheaded - which you need to build on for YOU, and of course your little one. If you truly feel that there is a way forward for your marriage, then by all means take that path, but NEVER lose sight of who you are, and all that you have given to your marriage. In other words, hold on to your self worth with every fibre of your being. You have a hard road to tread. I wish you well.

Okay I'll bite - how different?

Caught wife no I wouldn't at present especially if you don't have any real life person to talk to.