Caught wife in the act with another man

[Caughtwifewithanotherman]

I can't quite believe I'm on here posting, but I stumbled across this site this morning whilst trying to make sense of the worst night of my life last night. I'm not sure I'm "allowed" to post on here as a bloke, but I'm hoping for some advice as I don't know what to do and am feeling devastated.

I discovered my wife straddled on top of another man (that she works with) in our car after a night out that they'd been on (they'd been to an evening function with other people as well and were both drunk). I had been working away for the day and had arranged to meet her and arrived early (it was actually 11pm - the car was on a deserted car park).

They hadn't had sex, but had done pretty much everything else and I can't get the image out of my head of opening the car door and finding them there on the passenger seat (her straddling him, bra undone, him with hand between her legs ...).

We've been together 12 years, married for 8 and 30's. She is the love of my life and I'm totally gutted. Our marriage has been going through a difficuly period for a few months now as we both feel as though we've drifted apart and not sure what we want from life - partly attributed to a feeling of marrying "too young". We are both "nice / normal" people who rarely argue and this is so out of character it's unbelievable.

I'm not sure I can forgive her as the pain is so intense. I'm sure it wouldn't be as bad if she'd told me about it as opposed to me discovering it.

We have talked and cried for hours and she has said it meant nothing and she saw it as more of a "shock factor" type moment and in a perverse kind of way she is glad I've found out as it might revive and save our marriage.

To make things worse I've been suspicious about my wife and this "colleague" for several months now - lots of time spent away working, hundreds of texts (I've now seen them and it is obvious that despite some flirty banter, this was the first time it was acted upon).

I think we both want to make a go of it but my wife (based upon the unhappy period of a few months before last night) doesnt seem so certain, although she is desperate for us to "try". I've told her all contact with this guy will need to cease (Facebook, twitter, texts, emails etc), although I recognise their paths may cross due to their line of work. When I talked about deleting him from twitter etc she didnt seem convinced - she knows she's made a huge mistake and doesnt seem to realise what impact it would have on me if they remained FB friends etc.

I'm in the depths of despair - please help. I also forgot to mention we have a 5 year old daughter - how could she.

Thank you ForeverAutumn, another one to set me off crying! :)

Charbon - she used to use this forum when she was on maternity leave; to my knowledge she hasn't done for a few years. I did mention this morning that I posted a message on an internet forum - I guess it wouldn't be too hard to find if you looked hard enough. In a weird kind of way I want her to see this - lots of cold and hard (realistic) messages on this thread which would be good for her to see.

Just re-read that post - thank you ForeverAutumn for your kindness (I wasn't being sarcastic!)

I am not sure why people are saying the DW should now be a NRP and telling the OP to "go for custody". Does she deserve to lose her child and not have 50/50 shared care because she had an affair or "encounter"? I don't think so. I would say the same if the genders were reversed.

By the same token OP you should not be the one who moves out either as she is at fault here. However it's your dd and what she is used to in her life, not whats "fair" between the adults.

I would not show this thread to her, especially if you do not intend to tell anyone in real life. You are just at the very start of this journey and having the space to talk about what happens next could become important to you.

There is no reason to not discuss with her the comments being posted (or even copy and paste a specific post to print out if you think it relevant for her to read) but I would not give her access to the full thread.

I have read many posts on here. Even just a woman coming to a conclusion with loads of 'suspicious' activity and other posters have replied 'Get out while you can' etc. All without any hard evidence, where as you have seen with your own eyes and people are telling you to have counselling etc.

Only you know whats right to do by yourself OP, we can sit here typing and helping you get through this difficult time, but we cant make the decision for you.

I hope you do what is right and best for yourself

I don't think her seeing this thread would help either of you right now. Your wife is likely to feel defensive about some of the comments and you will lose your ability to offload in an unscreened, honest way. At some point you are likely to feel anger and using her for target practice might get in the way of what needs to be a calmer conversation. But anger is good and you're entitled to it. It needs to be channelled somewhere and if you can't bring yourself to confide in a friend or a therapist, this space is a good alternative.

Please consider what I've said about needing the truth and how you will get it. Relationships cannot be rebuilt on lies.

I don't think every thread says run for the hills Charlee, reactions vary on the circumstances. However it is fair that the common view seems to be that saving a marriage needs the guilty party to drive the effort involved in doing so.

On this theme OP I think maybe you should ask your wife "if you are serious about saving this marriage what actions do you intend to take to try and do this?".

Perhaps you need to get past the initial shock of what has happened before making bigger decisions. What you have seen, read and felt is a grief that needs to be gone through- our best friends split up because of the actions of the woman- her DH was left reeling but positive that he wanted the marriage to work- as time went on and His initial reactions subsided , he realised that the trust could be rebuilt but wasn't going to be and they separated - it doesn't mean you will celebrate but whilst everything is so raw it is hard to make decisions and if you are like our friend, you won't be sleeping, eating, thinking or functioning correctly - you come across as a man who has genuine love for his wife and child . But you won't be able to carry a marriage with just your love - she needs to work so hard now to build it back. If it gets too much try and spend some time with your little one on your own - you still have pure, unconditional love there and children have a funny way of reminding us of everything that is still right with the world .

*seperate not celebrate - bloody iPad spell correct

What a revolting post thedrizzle. I feel sorry for any female who comes across you in RL.

In my opinion 'she doesn't know what she wants' is a whole different level of emotional attachment to a drunken mistake.

I am so sorry OP. None of us can tell you what to do. for me, there was no way back after an affair (ironically my lmarriage had been abusive for years but it was the affair which was the trigger to leave)

People who cheat are devious, manipulative liars. How DARE she text him last night.

I think that you should take your daughter away for a special weekend this weekend - just the 2 of you. Let your wife stew a bit and face the cold harsh reality of what she has done to your family in the face. Don't let her blame you, don't let her convince you that any of this was your fault. Adulterers tend to follow a script - they blame you for arguments, arguments which happened because they were busy fantasising about the OW/OM, they tell you your sex life is crap, because they are busy fantasising about someone else. It's all so predictable.

Put yourself and your daughter first. You call the shots now and do let her play any more games.

Hello akaemmafrost. My apologies for spelling out the truth. Sorry for any woman that comes across me? What, because I wouldn't allow myself to be cheated on and disrespected? In a clearly monogamous relationship, when one party cheats on the other (once or repeatedly), that is a form of outrageous disrespect to the other, and only signifys no respect, love or trust. If the relationship is not exclusive, and there has been no agreement to stay loyal to one another, then fine, but if there has, then it's just plain disgusting.

If you find my post revolting, perhaps you should go outside into the real world more often and take a look around at this joke of a society/world we live in.

Yes please don't rush to decide and please ask for a bit of space from her to heal before you decide. I'm also glad you stood up for yourself a bit too.

Agree with everything Zip has just said - I think thats a very wise post.

Drizzle - not sure that was exactly helpful and I personally wouldnt characterise the OP's reaction as cowardly. Mature, thoughtful, dignified seem far more appropriate descriptions.

Thedrizzle - it was the offensive manner of your post that Emma was objecting to not that you think cheating is disrespectful which is basically what everyone else says. Where do you get off being so disrespectful and horrible?

Oh easy to post such vitriol on an anonymous forum isn't it the drizzle ?.....it's not very helpful though is it ?

No it's the use of the word "whore" and the fact that you clearly hate women that I object to thedrizzle. Makes me wonder what you're doing on this site.

thedrizzle I rather suspect from your increasingly angry posts that you are not that successful with women yourself and I do feel the OP would be wise to disregard your misogynistic ravings.

akaemmafrost Indeed, it would appear that you are quite wrong. Then again, I'm sure you're womanly psychic powers work amazingly over message boards and allow you to delve right into how successful a person is just from their posts!

Uproar? get real. Do you think we haven't seen your kind of ridiculous rants on here before? All you have done is rather tiresomely derail a thread where the OP was getting much needed support. Yay The Brotherhood.

"I hope I am never mature, thoughtful and dignified"

This is clearly never going to be a problem for you, so I wouldn't let the matter divert the attention from your macho "let's re-wind the clock to the days when men were men" stance - because clearly relationships were so much healthier then