DH told me he is leaving me for new GF

[potatocakes]

My husband told me earlier that he is leaving me for his new GF, who he met a few weeks ago at work. He told me they chatted briefly and she decided to fly down from Scotland to have sex with him. He lied and told me he was going to a work event. He told me two weeks ago that he had made a mistake and that we could work on stuff together, but since then he has found out she is pregnant and has decided to go with her. I am also 18weeks pregnant and we have two ds and we have been very happily married for 3years, together for 6.
i didn't know what to do for the best, so he is currently downstairs talking to his GF on google chat... I just can't stop my heart from pounding, i have to be up in 5 hours with the kids :( how do i act normal about it around them? This is such a shock i don't even know what to do :(

Ah yes, the 'it's not easy for me, you know' line from the deserting husband. 17 years on, mine has never apologised for leaving for OW when our DCs were age 5, 2 & 3 months. But he did state at the time that it was 'hard for him to see me struggle' - tosser! My heart goes out to you, potatocakes - you really didn't deserve to find that the man you loved & married was so totally not what/who you thought he was. Your DCs need you to be strong, loving & putting them first now - & sadly that now means looking dispassionately at what their father wants as you can't presume that he is putting their best interests first any more.

Daydreamdolly i am feeling okay, my heart literally ached at lunchtime but this evening he has made me so angry that i feel less heartachey. He skyped the boys at bedtime, and DS1 noticed something in the background... Makeup and hairstraighteners... DS1 definitely knows what they are, but asked several times, Daddy what is that stuff in the background? He couldn't even clear up her stuff before he called!!!! I just want him to get his stuff on friday and leave us alone, he has no respect for my children at all :( its totally his loss, as they are the most awesome boys :)

I have been to the Citizens Advice Bureau, so i have plenty of reading to do tomorrow :) and hoping to get some leave from work to deal with stuff. Keeping busy is really helping my brain not to wander too much.

Sending you hugs, potatocakes :)

I think anger at this time is good, potatocakes.

Sending you a hug too.

Oh potatocakes you are being wonderfully proactive and strong. Good for you! What a twat that soon to be ex is...I hope he lives to regret this forever.

Love and hugs potatocakes

And

Revolting little hank of recto pubic hair

Snort

Hope you're doing ok today potato.

Hi potatoes, I'm very concerned that he has made no effort to go along with the plan to tell dcs that he is away for a week on business. For someone who is so skilled in deception (all over you on Friday but leaving Sunday) you would think he could tell a couple of white lies for the benefit of the dcs. Please write all these details down. The welfare of your kids is paramount, if he doesn't think so he shouldn't be skyping them. Take control of this now. Perhaps others with more experience have suggested here.

Suggestions!

If he keeps that up it won't be long before they start asking you questions. I'd direct them straight to daddy and feign innocence. But then I am sure someone will say that it is better to be honest. It's a really tough call though as he doesn't have to deal with any confusion once he turns off his PC. Typical absentee father.

I hope you have chomped through the to do list today. It can feel great marking things off and feeling productive. I felt really free when EXP left and realised I could cook/eat when I want plus a load of other added extras you don't realise you are doing that you don't really want to, until you don't have to! Bit rambly as DD is trying to bash laptop with vaseline for some reason.

Keep going and let us know how you are :)

Hello potatocakes. Can't really add too much as you've been given brilliant advice on here, as I was in August.

My H moved out suddenly on 1st August whilst I was at work (I had no idea). He had had an affair and OW was 5 months pregnant when he left to live with her. Four days after he left I discovered I was also pregnant - this after trying for 3 years! He has shown no concern for me or my welfare.

It's really scary, but just to let you know you can do it. Everyone on here has been such a great help to me, and I'm sure they will be for you too. They'll be some days where you'll feel like you're doing great and coping very well, and other days when you're not so.

But just to let you know we're all willing you along.

Feel free to PM me. And look after yourself. xx

PS And you'll be so much better off without him. I realised this pretty soon, even though I know the next year will be really hard.

Hello potatocakes. Can't really add too much as you've been given brilliant advice on here, as I was in August.

My H moved out suddenly on 1st August whilst I was at work (I had no idea). He had had an affair and OW was 5 months pregnant when he left to live with her. Four days after he left I discovered I was also pregnant - this after trying for 3 years! He has shown no concern for me or my welfare.

It's really scary, but just to let you know you can do it. Everyone on here has been such a great help to me, and I'm sure they will be for you too. They'll be some days where you'll feel like you're doing great and coping very well, and other days when you're not so.

But just to let you know we're all willing you along.

Feel free to PM me. And look after yourself. xx

PS And you'll be so much better off without him. I realised this pretty soon, even though I know the next year will be really hard.

Sorry,.....! Computer froze!

[like] [like] Lou :)

Potatocakes, I am really glad that you are able to correctly conrrolate your emotions with the shitty behaviour that you are experiencing. In my case it took some time before I was able to turn the loving feelings off for the ex. Anger, while being tiring at times, can also be a very positive energising force. I wish you all the power my lovely!

"Anger, while being tiring at times, can also be a very positive energising force"

I second this. Anger really kept me going through the first few weeks. Whenever you feel a bit low think how dreadful his behaviour has been. I found that spurred me on and I believe I've found a strength I never knew I had. I'm sure you will too.

op well don for going to the CAB, that is great.

Your STBXH retrobube is just a vomit inducing pus sock.

Your boys will bounce back in time and despite all this shit, he will come through for them.

Friday went as well as it could, he was at least reasonable and has agreed to some things monetarily which might mean we wont starve :S
His explanation for leaving was that he realised 6 weeks ago something was wrong with our relationship, and instead of talking to me about it he started talking to her and fell in love... I feel a little cheated to tell you the truth, as he pretended pretty much the whole time that everything was going to be okay :( and i didn't get a chance to fix the things i didn't know about. Also i feel so so incredibly used, as in the weeks following him cheating on me I really tried in ALL aspects of our relationship, and i just feel like i could have been anyone :(

The anger did spur me on this week, however i managed to punch the floor at one point (on wednesday) i was so angry. I broke my little finger knuckle joint, so that was a lesson for me.

We talked to the boys and i put on an awesome show of oooh look at daddy's new house, isn't it wonderful. We played the aren't mummy and daddy great, they just can't live together anymore card. And let them know how much we love them both. DS1 seems okay with it, so far... However he is currently sleep talking which he has never done before, i'm going to keep an eye on him.

Thank you all for being so supportive and helpful :D x x (and for making my brother choke with laughter :D )

You realise that when he says he decided something was wrong 6 weeks ago that is because he had developed feelings for her and decided consciously or sub-conciously that he was going to act on it after ready spending time in her company and distancing himself from you to create the problems.

There is absolutely nothing you could have done at this stage. You could have been the perfect cook, cleaner, mother and sexual animal in the bedroom but it would not have been enough to stop him.

Don't give his self justification for being a vile sleeze bag head space.

He had made his decision he just wanted/needed a reason to make it your fault the relationship wasn't working to make it not his fault.

potatocakes, in these sort of situations it is always our fault, according to them. Don't take any notice. My ex is a complete martyr about our split, he will tell his friends that I left him even though he tried his best to make it work and I just wouldn't listen and I wouldn't discuss it. He attributes our break up to lack of communication (mine, obviously). I am 100% sure that he has never admitted to anyone else that he was sexually, emotionally and financially abusive to me. After all, that would make the end of the relationship his fault, not mine, wouldn't it?

Sounds like you have done a fantastic job of trying to make the best of it for your boys. Keep gritting your teeth and pretending he is dad of the year for their sakes, I know it's hard.

Fancy breaking your finger! DD1 did that at Legoland earlier this year, took about six weeks to heal. DD2 has a swollen, bruised, immobile finger from playing rugby earlier this week, since there's no treatment we haven't bothered with the x-ray this time, so you'd be in good company here!

Try to enjoy half term with your boys and your bump. Don't let the twunt spoil it.

Six weeks!?! He has two sons and gave the whole shebang 6 bloody weeks before he thought it wasn't worth bothering? That really says a lot. Not even two months.

I hope your finger gets better soon. It's so hard with the anger to get it out in a controlled way. I wanted to buy a punchball when my ex left. I wonder if that would help you and the boys - a new toy but also a good release for aggression and stress? I am thinking of one of those you stand on so no need to drill holes in ceiling etc.

Thinking of you here and hoping you are still getting all of the bits done that need to be. Winter weekends can be a bit depressing, so keep in touch with us here if you need a chat :)

How very dare he make you feel as though it's your fault!

You need to be very strong now to bat those balls right back into his court. Promise me you won't ever think that it's your fault again. Even if the relationship was difficult before, he chose to break it and didn't even offer you the chance to fix it. If he really cared enough about you he would be man enough to apologise and take the blame.

Thats the thing, our relationship was never difficult, we had a good time and talked about everything. Thats why it is such a shock. He is also blaming my lack of interest in sex, i was like how much sex do you expect to have with someone who has a part time job and is a full time mum, and has a 5 year old, a 1 year old and was 15 weeks pregnant at the time.. And before he left i tried to fix that as he did talk to me about that :( He is just incredibly selfish, and i guess hoping he will get the every night sex with his new GF.

Archilla I'd bat those balls (poss should say batter those balls) to kingdom come!

He is a coward and a thrill seeker and deserves what he will undoubtedly get.

He will be lucky if his new gf still feels comfortable shagging him when she is pg, considering she barely knows him and is having his child. If she is that is. She will probably start bricking herself around the time 'nesting' kicks in, is my opinion. She may well ask a lot of Q's about what kind of father he will be, having seen what he did to you. Pregnancy hormones in that situation is something no one can predict, but I very much doubt it will make for sexy funtime.

Frequency of sex changes throughout a marriage (as does quality!). A mature man accepts this and has respect for a pregnant woman and knows that growing his child is a tad more important than satisfying his every sexual whim.

He is not a sex starved adolescent but sure as hell behaves like one. His excuses are pathetic and cheap and I doubt it will be long before the OW regrets her choice and tries to throw him back.