DH told me he is leaving me for new GF

[potatocakes]

My husband told me earlier that he is leaving me for his new GF, who he met a few weeks ago at work. He told me they chatted briefly and she decided to fly down from Scotland to have sex with him. He lied and told me he was going to a work event. He told me two weeks ago that he had made a mistake and that we could work on stuff together, but since then he has found out she is pregnant and has decided to go with her. I am also 18weeks pregnant and we have two ds and we have been very happily married for 3years, together for 6.
i didn't know what to do for the best, so he is currently downstairs talking to his GF on google chat... I just can't stop my heart from pounding, i have to be up in 5 hours with the kids :( how do i act normal about it around them? This is such a shock i don't even know what to do :(

Sorry to read your story OP...cant offer much advice except keep posting...you'll get lots of support and advice here.

Hi rhondajean i managed to get 2 hours sleep, just feeling really raw right now. Trying to keep it together for the boys.

ArthurShappey he has not told any members of his family at all. He says he doesn't need to bother them with this. I have this overwhelming urge to phone my MIL as she has always been supportive of me, but I don't want his family to feel pity for me.

I just want to thank you all for the advice and support, its made me feel a little overwhelmed :) like i'm not the failure i feel at the moment...

I'd phone your MIL, he is too ashamed to tell her, it has nothing to do with not bothering her!

Oh he doesn't want to bother his family but is quite happy to devastate his pregnant wife and children. Ok!
Phone mil or I will

I think if your mil will give you some of the support you need, you should go ahead and call her.

he might not want to 'bother' them but you certainly do; you will need support as will the children

ring MIL, she will not pity you

Phone MIL. He doesn't seem to have grasped the enormity of the devastation he's caused.
This is horrible. I would encourage you to keep posting here because you'll get some great advice but also reach out for whatever RL support you can get. You and your DC will be fine but you will need support.

It seems to me that he emotionally checked out of this marriage a while ago by the fact that he seems very keen for the OW's baby to be his and as others have pointed out, the facts don't seem to be adding up to indicate that the baby IS his.

Also his unwillingness to tell others indicates him compartmentalising what's going on.

I would call his mother and get all the support you need.

How awful for you what a shit of a man!

Agree with others that you need as much rl support as possible right now, I would definitely be talking to mil, you will need help with the children and emotional support for yourself. This must be so hard for you right now just tell yourself that none of this is your fault, your 'd' h has/is being a complete idiot! Let him go, he's not worth you!

Please do call MIL the family should know and if they should offer to help out how ever they can.
Poster asking why the OW is called 'vile' I can't think of anything more fitting to describe someone who would knowingly sleep with another woman's husband and of get children, if she didnt know before she does now and he will do the same to her as he has done to OP because he sounds like a disgrace
Stay strong OP

Um, perhaps he hasn't noticed but children are part of a family. The baby he and the girlfriend have made will be his mother's grandchild and a half-sibling to the children you and he have made together.

Ring your MIL - you deserve her support, you are her family too. And perhaps stop trying to act normal. This is not normal.

Just a big hug from me. You must be in such a state of shock.

Horrible, unfeeling git .

Good point Joan, this is the beginning of a very complicated extended and blended family life for him and your dcs. Your MIL will be able to put that in context for him. My guess is that he and his gf,just see this as new beginning for them.

Please focus on getting through one day at a time for now and don't think too far ahead or make any huge decisions, beyond getting this excuse for a person out of your house and away from you. You will need a lot of space and time to begin to come to terms with this.

I was left for an O.W. 4 months ago and I have one DS aged 10, and no family or close friends near by, which is hard enough, so I can't even imagine how devastating it must be for you.

Agree you need legal advice ASAP.

Relate's advice on separation and parenting here

Citizens Advice Bureau

Family Lives (national charity providing help and support)

"Poster asking why the OW is called 'vile'"

Not why... just pointing out that, by deflecting the anger onto the OW, it rather misses the point. The known facts are that there is one very nasty little married man with a family and a pregnant wife who has chosen (not forced at gunpoint one assumes) not to keep his cock in his pants. The rest is pure speculation so I think it pays to hold off the Jezebel tagging and stone-throwing. Sisterly though it is...

And I say this OP because one of the things that will help you through this process is anger. When you've had a nasty shock it takes some time to move from upset and feeling badly hurt, past wanting him back again and missing the old days, through to the anger that will properly motivate you to finally reject him. He is the source of the pain... no-one else.

he has not told any members of his family at all. He says he doesn't need to bother them with this.

Yeah right - he's leaving his pregnant wife and mother of his two (pre-existing) children for an allegedly pregnant woman he met a few weeks ago? Can't see any reason for his family to be made aware of that - why would it crop up in conversation?!

Let your MIL know - if for no other reason than simple logistics. She won't be able to contact him at your house once he's moved out.

Forget looking for support from him - gather support from all around you. Your mum must be desperate to help. Tell your friends, build your team. You have nothing to be ashamed of. People in real life will say the same things we are saying on here - the man is a grade A shitbag.

BTW... tell the MIL the facts but be conscious that, whatever the moral argument, she will have very divided emotional loyalties. If what he's told you is true she's got another GC on the way and that puts her in a very awkward situation. IME you cannot rely on ILs in a divorce situation. However badly someone has behaved, parents do not tend to abandon them lightly.

Concentrate on the practical stuff. He's shows NO awareness of the realities of what he has done and seems to have the emotional developmental level of a toddler. You need to be the adult.

1. Collect together ALL the paperwork you have in the house concerning his finances. Copy everything and take those copies to your parents house for safe keeping.

1. When he goes to work tomorrow - ACT. Get the locks changed before he gets home from work.

Send him to sleep at the MIL's Monday night. Send a suitcase of his clothes over to hers in a taxi. Ring his boss and tell him that from now on all correspondance should be sent to his mother's address.

1. Go to the bank. Ensure that all YOUR money is in your own account. Arrange to transfer any wages/tax credits/child benefit etc into your own account. Withdraw your share of any joint accounts and then freeze the accounts so that they require 2 signatories & not just his.

1. See a solicitor FAST - get that appointment booked.

1. Ring the CSA Tuesday and send them that financial paperwork I mentioned in number one.

1. Wednesday - post a letter to his mother's listing formal contact times and dates that suit you. Ensure that for the time being it is limited to day times at weekends in a neutral location (a mutual friends house would be good) and that you stipulate NO contact with other woman for 6 months to allow your children time to adjust to the new situation.

1. Gather up every bit of RL emotional support you can from your mates to the health professionals.

My reasoning for all the above.

1. Focussing on the practicalities before you get unable to get off the sofa due to your own pregnancy makes a lot of sense based on my own experience of being deserted at 7 months pregnant. Maternity leave etc is looming. The sooner you know exactly where you stand on finances and practicalities the sooner you can take any radical actions needed to get your kids through this.

1. It gives YOU back some semblance of control over your own destiny.

1. You have no idea really how long this has gone on, or what step's he's taken behind your back to build his new life. The only thing you do know for sure is that he is being grossly irresponsible towards children. First and foremost your bean and kids need protection from their father's stupidity.

1. He's not really showing any awareness of the implications of his actions. He needs a mental bucket of cold water as to what he's up to. Making his behavior public to his family/work etc means that other people can focus on restoring his sanity asap and frees your head up to focus on the kids.

1. He needs to take responsibility fast - eg finding new bint somewhere to live with him. Purchasing 2 x baby gear, supporting 2x families etc. It's one heck of a complicated situation he has made for himself and he CANNOT be allowed to "forget" his existing obligations just cos that gives him the easy way out.

1. The circumstances of his new relationship scream "DRAMA" at me with uncertain paternity with recklessness, lack of foresight, irresponsibility etc written all over it. If you aren't careful based on his current form he'll drag you ALL down with him, + put your pregancy at risk to boot. He's like a train wreck waiting to happen. Protect yourself and don't let him cause you to miscarry.

"As an adult you can only take responsibility for your OWN actions, others have free will." This advice was given to me when I ran out of amniotic fluid as a result of my ex's abandonment at 7 months. I honestly think it was the best bit of advice I've ever recieved as it enabled me to detach from the sheer shock and hurt I felt just enough to keep going.

I'd advise against looking to MIL for support. She will probably side with her son eventually and even if she's cross with him will do everything to minimise his actions and try to keep you together whether or not that's best for you. Turn to your own friends and family for support...they have less to lose and can be more supportive to you.

Bonehead's advice is very comprehensive and sensible. Time to take control and get the best you can for yourself and kids. Good luck OP. x

OMG I am so sorry....predictive text changed Bochead to Bonehead.

Exs ow was very vile she knew our older dc but still slept with their dad she got pg straight away then announced it on FB before ex told our dc she rang me drunk on Xmas night to tell me I had no right to stop dh seeing dc (I wasn't) then had her engagement ring delivered to my house "to rub her nose in it" she told someone that!
She also joked and laughed about me having had mastectomy and ex wanting a real woman!
Vile is too good for her