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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH told me he is leaving me for new GF

197 replies

potatocakes · 21/10/2012 01:28

My husband told me earlier that he is leaving me for his new GF, who he met a few weeks ago at work. He told me they chatted briefly and she decided to fly down from Scotland to have sex with him. He lied and told me he was going to a work event. He told me two weeks ago that he had made a mistake and that we could work on stuff together, but since then he has found out she is pregnant and has decided to go with her. I am also 18weeks pregnant and we have two ds and we have been very happily married for 3years, together for 6.
i didn't know what to do for the best, so he is currently downstairs talking to his GF on google chat... I just can't stop my heart from pounding, i have to be up in 5 hours with the kids :( how do i act normal about it around them? This is such a shock i don't even know what to do :(

OP posts:
NotGeoffVader · 21/10/2012 13:25

So sorry to hear you're going through this, potato. Bochead has some excellent advice. Also, if you are after some chit chat with those who have been in a similar situation, then pop over to the thread called 'facing pregnancy alone'. Unfortunately the situation is not unusual. :(

I think you do need to update the family, but you need to find a way to disengage the emotions you're going through from the reality of the situation when you do. That's not to say you should not be upset, but it is not likely to foster good relations with the IL's if you apportion blame - even though he is at fault. They will see that.

I think he is being a total and utter arse. Sending you some hugs.

Aspiemum2 · 21/10/2012 13:26

Bochead - What a great and helpful post that was. I'm so sorry for your own experience btw but imagine what you've learnt will be tremendously helpful to the op

tschiffely · 21/10/2012 13:30

Bochead, excellent post.

OP, so sorry this is happening to you, can't imagine the turmoil you must be in right now. Your h is a complete arsehole. As always, loads of excellent advice on here.

Bogeyface · 21/10/2012 13:49

I can see a pattern here. You were with him 6 years and have a 5 year old. He has been with her for 5 minutes and she is now pregnant. If it is any small consolation he will leave her just as he has left you.

Was he single when you met him?

He sounds like someone who is addicted to "new" love and when it becomes the normal steady love that goes the distance, he gets bored and moves on. What I am trying to say is that there is nothing you could have done to stop this. You will go through times of wondering if you should have had more sex, asked less of him, etc and then he wouldnt have strayed, but you could have been the perfect Stepford Wife and he would still have done this.

This is his failure, not yours. And when you come out the other side, as you will, you will be a better, stronger, wiser person. He will still be the fucked up failure that he is now, unable to commit long term to anyone and will end up a lonely old man, because men like that never learn. But you, well you will be happy and settled with someone who loves and deserves you.

tribpot · 21/10/2012 13:50

Despite what predictive text thinks, bochead is no bonehead Grin

Xales · 21/10/2012 14:04

So sorry you are going through this.

If no one has added it to the list of things to do please can I add get yourself to an STI clinic for your own health and that of your baby as soon as possible.

Whether the child is his or not he has clearly had unprotected sex as he believes it is Sad If the child is not his she has clearly slept with someone else recently and increased the risk to you via him.

If he comes crawling back do not sleep with him until he has been totally and utterly humiliated by testing also.

MadamFollywillFreakyouout · 21/10/2012 14:19

Please tell his mother, you need all the support you can get right now. :(

solidgoldbrass · 21/10/2012 14:57

Sorry but while you can tell him/ask him to leave the family home you cannot force him to do so. A person can only be forced out of the marital home if s/he is violent; infidelity is not a legal justification for changing the locks and refusing the person entry - if you were to do this and he doesn't want to move out, he could break in or the police could be called in order to compel you to give him a set of keys.

DaydreamDolly · 21/10/2012 20:09

How are you potatocakes? I hope you're holding up and being strong, has he gone??

Original poster
potatocakes · 21/10/2012 21:40

Hi DaydreamDolly he has flown to Glasgow to be with the OW, back on Friday to pick up clothes etc... He has decided being an arsehole rather than nice is now the way to go, and showed me a picture of her in underwear before he left that is indelibly stuck in my brain.

My mum is staying with me, and i spoke to MIL and she is so angry. FIL left her last year so she is very sympathetic. It was nice to hear her reassurances that I would always be a part of her family.

I am just trying to focus on practical stuff, and making sure that the boys are okay. 5year old is very aware something untoward has happened, which is just devastating :(

Bochead thank you for your advice, i will try and follow it :)

OP posts:
tribpot · 21/10/2012 21:42

The utter, utter wanker. Angry Angry Angry Angry

Aspiemum2 · 21/10/2012 21:44

He did what?? Is he normally such a wanker? What on earth did he hope to achieve by showing you that photo?

Picking up on the changing the locks issue, I assume as he has now left of his own free will the op is free to change the locks? I know nothing about legal aspects so got totally shafted by my ex!

Offred · 21/10/2012 21:46

Oh god... Sad that is just awfulSad

ledkr · 21/10/2012 21:46

When he showed you that picture he showed himself to be not of the normal human race and you are therefore better of without him. That must have put you off him a bit though.

Bogeyface · 21/10/2012 21:47

WTAF?!?! He showed you a picture of her in underwear?

Wow, that is a whole new level of twuntishness!

Right, you have 5 days. See a solicitor tomorrow and see if there is anything you can do about keeping him out of the house. Get copies of EVERYTHING so he cant stiff you on child support. What is he doing about work if he is buggering off to Scotland for a week?

Get everything bagged up and in the shed/garage/garden and text him to tell him where it is so he doesnt need to come to the house. Add a bolt to the door so he cant just let himself in, that is legal as you havent changed the locks.

skyebluezombie · 21/10/2012 21:49

what a total twat. showing you a picture....words fail me...... which doesnt happen often Grin

There is always a debate in these situations regarding locks. If anybody suggests changing them, people jump in and say legally she cant, then everybody else jumps in and says sod the law, she should Grin, so I dont advise on locks any more.....

Im glad that your MIL is being OK. When I rang mine to tell her that STBXH had walked out, she said "oh well, these things happen".

Hopefully yours will be much more supportive.

I know it will be hard for you, but you really need to retain your dignity, only have necessary contact with him and get legal advice asap, especially regarding divorce. Your situation is slightly different to the norm as you are pregnant. But please do ensure that you protect yourself financially asap. There is no knowing what your H will do next.

joanofarchitrave · 21/10/2012 21:53

He did what?

[boggle]

Get the scariest lawyer you can find, tomorrow.

Bogeyface · 21/10/2012 22:04

There is another woman posting on MN at the moment. Her husband left her when his OW got pg, and she is pg too. She is coping just fine and you will too.

Make sure that you get an address from him for the divorce paperwork, and preferably her name too if you can. Then you can name her as co-respondent in the divorce, and she will then be privy to the fact that the father of her baby already has a pregnant wife. I will bet you a weeks wages that she doesnt know at the moment!

Bogeyface · 21/10/2012 22:05

Oh and I wonder how exciting he will be when he is paying 25% of his wages to you for child support!

weegiemum · 21/10/2012 22:08

I'll get the MN glasgow girls together and we'll go round and give him a good Glasgow welcome ..... Grin

Seriously, what an arse. You deserve so much more than him, and so do your dc. Take care xx

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 21/10/2012 22:09

I am so angry for you op?

Please-whatever happens in the future never, ever take this man back as a partner.

He is spineless, spiteful, cowardly, cruel, selfish and sly.

You do not need him in your life and your boys can do without him as a role model.

Complete bastard.

Hope you get lots of rl support op and wishing you and your boys the very best of luck. Best wishes for baby too.

Doha · 21/10/2012 22:11

Another Glasgow MNer here.....

I live 5 minutes from the airport--perhaps a wee trip is needed to the departure gate on Friday!!!!!

Antone care to join me

skyebluezombie · 21/10/2012 22:13

loving the idea of a Glasgow welcome. Does that include the famous Glasgow Kiss? When you have finished, can you come down to Devon and "welcome" my STBXH Grin

rhondajean · 21/10/2012 22:16

I'm not far from Glasgow and in these circumstances very happy to drive up with my boxing gloves which are always in the boot

It'll end badly, mark my words.

CremeEggThief · 21/10/2012 22:20

Wow! Just wow wow at the photo! He must have no empathy, social skills, morals, or sense of what is right and wrong at all.

Just when you think you've heard it all...

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