DH told me he is leaving me for new GF

[potatocakes]

My husband told me earlier that he is leaving me for his new GF, who he met a few weeks ago at work. He told me they chatted briefly and she decided to fly down from Scotland to have sex with him. He lied and told me he was going to a work event. He told me two weeks ago that he had made a mistake and that we could work on stuff together, but since then he has found out she is pregnant and has decided to go with her. I am also 18weeks pregnant and we have two ds and we have been very happily married for 3years, together for 6.
i didn't know what to do for the best, so he is currently downstairs talking to his GF on google chat... I just can't stop my heart from pounding, i have to be up in 5 hours with the kids :( how do i act normal about it around them? This is such a shock i don't even know what to do :(

PS I know three couples who have met this way, two of them had horrible relationships and are now divorced/divorcing.

Yes, wait until reality sets in and it's no longer the romantic scenario of "them against the world".

OP I'm so sorry you are going through this - please make sure you ask for support in RL.

If he's away for the week, that gives you the time to gather his paperwork. I get the feeling he's gonna be a monster over maintenance payments and really want to forewarn you as fuck ups this big will be expensive from his pov. You need the security of being able to send his income details to the CSA (& courts if needed later).

You'll also have time to get his Mum to collect his belongings and to change the locks. He cannot step back into your home and be around your children in his current frame of mind. That photo demo'd he's lost the bloody plot and teh emotional risk to your kids is too great while he's demonstrating that level of inhumanity in his behavior.

Your eldest can think Daddy is working away for another week or so yet. At least until you've had time to work down the list I wrote for you in an earlier post.

It's more than OK to grieve for what the two of you built together and to let yourself go thru all the stages of grief from anger to acceptance. You are human and the feelings that accompany a marriage and 3 kids aren't gonna evaporate overnight. If it takes a couple of years to plod through your feelings that that's OK. If it helps you could consider that your husband has died and been replaced by an evil changeling to help you get thru each day. Do take each day as it comes.

What's happened to you was beyond your control and a massive shock, rendering virtually all you held to be true and dear suddenly null and void in an instant. You should allow yourself the time & space to grieve. Overnight you've gone from being part of a loving, respectful caring partnership. The shock to you is as sudden as if he'd been run over by a bus.

What's not OK is to allow this creature (because he can no longer be considered your loving husband) to inflict any more damage on you and yours than he already has. If you feel up to it, do ask the midwife to give you a quick check towards the end of the week just to make sure you are OK with the pg.

Your kids WILL get you through this emotionally if you let them. I remember being so flooded with love for my newborn when I first held him, that my feelings about his father became not irrelevant but definately shifted WAY down my list of priorities.

I honestly pity his dad nowadays - a far cry from the gut wrenching hurt of the early days. I'm hoping you'll be able to post here in a year or so to say you are approaching a similar state of mind.

Nothing useful to add other than you have been treated appallingly. Please take bochead's advice and, no matter that you feel like seven shades of bleurgh, use this week to get all the paperwork you can. It will be worth it in the not-so distant future. Best of luck.

DEAR GOD, WHAT A FUCKHEAD! I'm so sorry, OP. You must be all over the place :(

Yes, you are getting good advice and please do allow yourself to call on support in real life. Unfortunately, the 'him' you want to comfort you never existed by the sound of things. If you can, try to remember you're missing the marriage & husband you thought he was - it helps you figure out what you want for real, going forward.

I hope you're managing to get some rest and eat properly. Good luck.

I am so sorry as you must be feeling like you have hit by a sledge hammer but once the pain eases you will see that you and your boys deserve someone better than a man child led by his dick.

He is a complete failure as a husband, and as a human being.

He is an unforgivable scrotumface without the morals of an alleycat, who has just ruined his own life.

In a couple if years time, you will be happy again, but he will always have to live with the fact that he has behaved in a way that causes his own mother to hold him in utter contempt.

The shit faced dick for brains, I hope she destroys him and leaves him an empty shell of a man, offering blowjobs at the docks because his wages don't cover his child support payments.

Revolting little hank of recto pubic hair

colditz What a putdown!

op print that and stick it on your fridge! xx

Loving the "rectopube" Colditz- describes him perfectly!

Bochead - brilliant post by the way

Bochead all his payslips are online on his work laptop which he has with him, and i looked for his p60 and that must be online too. We have a joint account, which his wages are currently paid into, would this be enough evidence of income?

I had a very busy and confusing day yesterday, he decided to phone me and was a knob really. He told me that he wasn't exactly having a bed of roses up there either... That just made me so so cross; i am dealing with everything, including telling his family, and he's having a tough time having sex with his new GF and generally being comforted? He takes no responsibility for his actions, or his children or even the immense pain he has caused me :( i just don't understand how it could go from loving talking and holding me, and telling me he loves me so much on friday to letting me know he and his GF are hurting too on monday... How is this my life? It feels like a horror movie :(

I am boxing up all his stuff tomorrow, and i mean everything... My brother is working from home on friday 15 minutes away, so if he tries anything he will be round straight away.

Colditz your post made me laugh, and my brother to choke on his food :D thank you all for being there :)

Life's not a bed of roses for him either? -oh the poor love.

I hope you told him to fuck off.

If I were you is have my brother with me on Friday just as moral support. I think your ex is less likely to piss about and be hurtful to you in front of your brother.

You don't need the stress of your ex playing games and being nasty. Please have someone with you when he comes. Lets him know you're taking action, you're not going to be a pushover and he's made his dirty bed-he can lie in it.

Where in the uk are you potato?

I'm still so angry for you. I've been thinking about you and your boys and what he's done to you. I can't believe how he has behaved towards you.

Hope your ds is doing ok x

Good, I hope she's giving him hell, it's all very different when they look at each other, and think 'oh shit, this is it now!'
did you talk to your boys together? or did he just piss off up there? Really hope you're staying strong, glad at least your family know no, and are supporting you.

What an absolute nightmare for you I really hope you are ok ?
He's going to come crawling back when it all goes tits up I hope you tell him to go fuck himself !!!

I think you should be suggesting he gets a DNA test when the baby is born as if the OW was so willing anad eagre to have sex with him so quickly ater meeting him, who knows who else she spread her legs open for recently--not just her DH.

OP if you have had sex with him receently you must get an STI check love.

The airport meet and greet on Fridayoffer still stands

Doha, will you be holding a board with rectopube on it?!

Not exactly a bed of roses for him, oh diddums. What a total bell end.

Hope you tell your midwife at the next appointment and best to get yourself checked over, it is degrading even having to think about it but you'll want to know everything is all right health-wise.

Your brother sounds a good sort. In a mad way, having to keep ordinary domestic stuff going can help you keep functioning, even though it all falls on your shoulders. Hope "d"h's family are suitably disgusted by his actions.

How terrible this is. Just wanted to add a hug and post this info in addition to Bochead's. Knowledge is power, OP...

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce ? Advice and Links

It is useful if you can get to grips with the language of family law and procedure, and get an understanding of your rights, BEFORE you see a solicitor. If you are well prepared you will save time and money.

Children

If there are children involved, their welfare, needs and interests are paramount. Parents have responsibilities, not rights, in this regard. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It does not mean equal (50/50) parenting time - children are not possessions to be ?fairly? divided between separating parents.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (?Statement of Arrangements for Children?). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order - ?Residence and Contact? regarding children, ?Financial Order? or ?Ancillary Relief? in the case of Finance. Information and links to these can be found in the Directgov link below. Residence and Contact Orders are likely to be renamed Child Arrangements Orders in future.

Always see a specialist family lawyer!

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don?t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation ? there?s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don?t just stick with the first lawyer you find ? shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you?re happy with.

If you can?t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law.

You can also find out about Legal Aid and get advice on the Community Legal Advice Helpline on 08345 345 4 345
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Dl1/Directories/UsefulContactsByCategory/Governmentcitizensandrightscontacts/DG_195356

Or search in your area for Community Legal Advisors:
legaladviserfinder.justice.gov.uk/AdviserSearch.do

Co-operative Legal Services offer DIY/Self-Help Divorce packages, as well as a Managed Divorce service. Their fee structure is more transparent and they have a telephone advice line as well as offering really good advice on their website:
www.co-operative.coop/legalservices/family-and-relationships/

You can read advice and search by area for a family lawyer here:
www.resolution.org.uk/

You will also read good advice and find a family lawyer here:
www.divorceaid.co.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients ? Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. This can help by encouraging discussion about arrangements for children and finance in a structured way in a neutral setting. However, it only works if both parties are willing to reach agreement.

If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. This is important because while a Mediator should have knowledge of family law, and will often explain family law, they are not there to give tailored legal advice to either party - so it?s important to have that first.

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:
www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights and issues around contact are further explained here:
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown
www.maypole.org.uk/

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read ? there are others of course:

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements ? savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

If you have no access to financial information, or you are aware that assets are being hidden from you, then obviously you will not be able to reach agreement on finances. If there are children, as you cannot divorce without adequate arrangements being agreed on finance and children, you will have to apply for a financial order anyway. If there are no children, and you are unable to agree on finances, you will also have to apply for a financial order (follow the Direct.gov links below). This seeks financial information from both parties going back 12 months. So it is in your interests to act quickly once you have made the decision to divorce.

If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

CSA maintenance calculator:
www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

Handy tax credits calculator:
www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/payments-entitlement/entitlement/question-how-much.htm#7

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

CAB Benefits Check:
www.citizensadvice.co.uk/getadvice/benefit-calculator/A2B-Benefit-Calculator/#730

Parenting issues:
www.familylives.org.uk
www.theparentconnection.org.uk

Other Support for Women ? Children, Housing, Domestic Violence
www.womensaid.org.uk/ and refuge.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 2000 247
www.ncdv.org.uk/ - Helpline 0844 8044 999
www.gingerbread.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 802 0925
Housing www.england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships/relationship_breakdown
(Note that there is usually an appropriate link on these websites for England, Wales and Scotland where the law, advice and contact information may differ.

What is it with these men? Not a bed of roses?!

I remember STBXH saying "it's not easy for me either"... Whilst lodging with friends, having every meal cooked for him, while I was left with a 4yo DD and a £700 mortgage to manage on my own! Poor bloody diddums!

They make their bed, they lie in it. If its not that comfortable its not our problem!

Well done on boxing up all his stuff. I did the same, 3 days after he wrote me a nasty letter, I boxed up everything and put it in the driveway for when he dropped DD back. It quite upset him apparently!

You are doing very well.

OMG!!!!!!!!!! I do not have words, well just these ones 'Your husband is a big big piece of shit, nothing else'. It is really unbelievable. I send you a big hug from here, and well done for telling his mother, and having your family around, you need lots of comfort and help. Keep strong for your children, and yourself, and really, just do not talk to him, if he ever says he is not in a bed of roses, just hung up, you do not have to put up with that too, on the top of all the hurt he has already done.

Don't take his calls or respond to his texts or emails. You have got to start disengaging. And I hope you've flung all his stuff in any old way, without any effort.

I hate this "man" .

If you can find his National Insurance number you can contact CSA straight away. Best to do that ASAP as they can only back date payment to when you contact them, and not before.
You are being very brave and strong. Don't be afraid to have someone see you cry, it is good to let it out sometimes. Also agree with the poster who said sometimes keeping it all together helps keep you going, so maybe do what you can first, and then have friends over for wine and a good chat? Adult conversation can help and people will be very supportive in ways you could only have imagined before you ask :)

Oh boy.

If you have any letters from the tax credits people, or child benefits, his NI number should say on there too.

How are you today potatocakes?

You don't need the NI number to start a CSA claim, his name and DOB and employer will be plenty to get them started. Slows things down a bit, is all.