Shocked by dh's angry violent outburst... What to do?

[itreallyhappened]

Happily married to dh for 4 years with a 2yo ds.

Dh is the picture perfect family man but he does have the occasional angry outburst where he says I wind him up and Push his buttons. He's never been violent but I have been scared of his angry outbursts.

Last night we were at a party and both had too much to drink. We were arguing about which way to walk home and I was saying I knew the shortest way, dh just lost it with me. Shouting about how I always think I'm right etc and before I knew it he had his hands round my neck and was shaking me. Obviously I got him off and then we went home. I told him last night that it was over and he was just saying he'd get our son as he works less than me so can be there for him more than me.

This morning he couldn't even remember it but was deeply deeply apologetic. Said he had no excuse, doesn't feel angry in general and he said his only defence is his horrible drunkenness but he knows it's not n excuse. He doesn't drink much but has told me he will quit drink. He also said he'd go to anger management, basically anything I want . I believe he is remorseful.

This is totally out of character for him and I am still quite shocked. Whilst he does have a temper, his outbursts are rare and haven't ever resulted in violence.

Ds and I have come to my mums today. Dh is at our house. I wish this hadn't happened. I want to give him a second chance as I do believe that it was a one off but in the back of my mind i don't know if we can go back from this. It's been a hard year for us both health wise, I was made redundant, we moved house, we lost a pregnancy and there has been a lot of pressure on us but I thought we were in a good place.

I don't really know why I am writing this - am I a total mug if I give him another chance?

My exp used to drink too much and/or smoke too much weed and do this kind of thing. He always maintained the next day he couldn't remember, but I sometimes wondered if this was really true. He was always profusely apologetic and promised he wouldn't do it again, but he always did. He also always swore he wouldn't drink/smoke again but he always did.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I have only read the op so haven't caught up with the thread, but obviously I cannot tell you what to do, but thought I would share what happened in my case. My dp was also a nice guy from a nice family and no one would guess, but unfortunately he had a nasty side that he couldn't keep under control so I left him in the end.

The last thing I'll say is if you are going forward together please consider making some kind of official report of what happened and please, since you will not know whether the meds caused it, do not put it down to the meds and be wary about him in future. I doubt the doctor told you the meds did cause it, i suspect what they actually said was, when you said "could it be down to the meds?" the doctor said "it could" or "it is possible" which is actually a non-committal response. Please read up on dv and abuse and make absolutely sure you are safe, contemplate speaking to women's aid. It might seem overkill if you have decided to believe he is not abusive and stay but after strangling and angry outbursts it is vitally important if you stay that you do this, even more important than if you left because you are choosing to live with the risk, you don't need to ignore the risk to believe he is a good man etc, hedge your bets and keep yourself safe. Also please come back if even the slightest thing makes you afraid in future.

Good luck OP, but unfortunately I think that your husband may have just learned that he can strangle you and you will still stay with him.

Please stay alert and watch out for a tendency in yourself to underreact to things, because that is the case for very many women in similar situations - you already said that you didn't previously notice he was blaming you for making him lose his temper. And please don't feel you have to stop posting if you stay with him.

MN will still be here if you need us

All the best x

Have just read a lot of the thread and I just wanted to point out that psychosis does not mean angry/aggressive/violent. Psychosis refers to losing grip on reality, so can mean delusional thoughts or visual/auditory hallucinations and has nothing to do with violence. The only time a someone experiencing pychosis will be violent ( which happens rarely btw) is if they maybe have voices telling tgem to do something - which doesn't really sound like what happened with your dh.

I often see people misinterpreting what psychosis means, I think perhaps people confuse pychosis with psychopathic (which also has a slightly differente meaning to what people commonly think but get ho). It seems that people often associate many "psychiatric" words with anger/violence when in fact violence and mental illness are rarely linked and the vast majority of angry, violent acts are committed by perfectly "sane" people.

I know you have made your mind up and I wish you luck, but just thought you should be aware that even if psychosis is a side effect of the meds, it is unlikely to be the cause in this case as your dp was not psychotic any way (I'm guessing he has not been hearing voices or having delusional thoughts?)

It is far more likely that the cause if his anger was a combination of his personality and the alcohol. Just thought you should proceed with your eyes open, and be aware that the drugs were probably not the cause.

Yes agree mummy - prednisone has anger as a side effect too.

Thanks everyone.

offred and scare I will keep a check on how I respond to things. It has been really helpful having you ladies here on hand. I'd have gone stir crazy over the past few days.

Thanks to all who said I can come back if needed. I will let you know.

hildeband - (I'm glad you're getting happier). I will keep ds top of mind. Don't feel guilty for the choices you made in the past. You love your DCS and sound like a wonderful mum who's been through a shit load.

It does make me feel chilled that this was angry behaviour directed at me. (your point is valid happypills so thanks for being firm on it. ) i feel Really chilled. But I have made my choice.... And we will see how it goes.

And thanks to the mnetters who PMd me too.... I will get round to replying but it really means a lot. Xx

Should also point out that H is the one being pro active about going back to the doctor at anger and getting some private counselling. He said out of nowhere "whilst we are the only ones who know it doesnt seem real and I want people in the outside world to know so they can tell me as well how awful what I did was".

Just thought it was an interesting comment in the context that mnetters were worried he would want to keep what happened just between us.

I am hopeful

I agree, that's an insightful comment from your DH, really. I'm optimistically thinking that, having now made connections between his family's emotional incontinence and his habit of blaming you for his temper, there's real progress to be made. The issues would not have become apparent had he not attacked you as he, appallingly, did. My optimistic side hopes his assault was medically triggered and will, with careful work (his), prove a catalyst to a happier and more peaceful future.

Unlike some other posters on your thread, I don't pretend to absolute authority on what psychosis means, how it may manifest or which medications may cause it. I'm under the impression that virtually anything can trigger an episode - we all dream; psychosis represents a dreaming mind in a waking body. I had hallucinatory (perceptual psychosis) episodes in late puberty and, later, a different kind of episode that was also hormonal. My GP described it as extreme PMT but I see "menstrual psychosis" now exists as a diagnosis. I was irrationally aggressive at this time. Steroids, as others have mentioned, are infamous for causing delusional rage.

You do have to proceed with caution. One grave danger for you, I think, is that a single assault can promote a lifetime of fear. Bancroft speaks of this in "Why does he do that?". I second those who've suggested you read it. I can only think you may both need outside help in working through this to a successful conclusion. You can't go through the rest of your life on high alert for murder attempts by your husband, but how does one decide on the realistic level of danger and how can you ever be sure? I really do wish you good luck and wise counsel with this - and, of course, remind you that Mumsnet's here for you.

Really - you don't have to stop posting, we can still be here for you. It's going to be a hard road through this - you don't have to do it alone.

However, if you do stop posting, but come back at a later stage - please post under this name. Name changing will only get you less helpful advice.

People might say 'I'm not surprised' but they wont say 'I told you so' or at least - if they do - they will get themselves told to STFU. This is your life and your decision & the vast majority of us will support you - no matter what.

Thanks chirping. You've been great. I will keep posting,

Chipping! - sorry!

I think the comment is insightful too but be wary about the motivation. If he's doing this because he's afraid of losing you and not because he's afraid of having hurt you that insight isn't going to keep you from harm as it becomes apparent that strangling you hasn't caused you to be lost.

You must be feeling absolutely sick of talking all this over though!

really just to add to what Chipping said, don't be afraid to keep posting no matter what happens.

There's always support for you. Good luck.

Yes please don't stop posting. I let my exp do this sort of thing numerous times before I left him so I certainly won't judge you.

I agree OP, keep posting, don't let yourself become isolated by this. You have asked for opinions and that was a very brave move. You will get nothing but support, especially from the people who have been there. There is no smugness from anyone on here, just concern for your safety based on what you have said. Often the objective point of view is easier to get to through people who don't know those involved personally, that's also why counselling is so good. Be aware that your OH may have read this thread. Please never feel you can't talk here, keep the door open.

I quite like Chirping

How have you been today?

Hi, well DH went back to the doctor, told him everything.

Dr said it could have been the drug and alcohol combo but to finish the one week left of prednisolone. Dh asked how he could get help for his anger and doc told him that because he was an educated person who had recognised the problem and was reading up about it then he would be ok . Dh has got the phone number of some helplines but if not has asked if I'm ok with him getting private counselling as he thinks a few sessions could help. He is very scared by his behaviour. Of course I've said it's money we'll spent and go for it. He called my mum yesterday off his own back to apologise and talk things through with her.

He has also bought a journal as he tells me writing is a good outlet for emotions.... I guess that's what I used mnet for in some of my troubled times so I understand that.

It's been a tough week. I went out last night with friends and let my hair down (on soft drinks) and had a great night just not thinking about any of it. It was nice to relax and have mindless chit chat. They are very new friends so I wouldn't dream of telling them what's going on.

Today I am spending the day shopping with mum and then we are going to have a family weekend, go out walking, park, pub lunch.... The usual.

I will keep posting but I think we are making some progress

Thanks

Sounds really positive. Counselling excellent idea. Bit about the dr.Keep posting.

Well that all sounds good. It really does sound like he scared himself as well as you. He's not shirking from telling people, even talking to your Mum - which most of us would avoid like the plague (opps didn't mean to make that sound like we'd avoid your Mum!).

It's good you had a night out. I hope you have a nice weekend.

sounds good. suggest dh lays off drink for next few weeks. or just one glass on an evening.

I would think it better that this bloke never drank again off his own bat, after nearly killing his wife