Shocked by dh's angry violent outburst... What to do?

[itreallyhappened]

Happily married to dh for 4 years with a 2yo ds.

Dh is the picture perfect family man but he does have the occasional angry outburst where he says I wind him up and Push his buttons. He's never been violent but I have been scared of his angry outbursts.

Last night we were at a party and both had too much to drink. We were arguing about which way to walk home and I was saying I knew the shortest way, dh just lost it with me. Shouting about how I always think I'm right etc and before I knew it he had his hands round my neck and was shaking me. Obviously I got him off and then we went home. I told him last night that it was over and he was just saying he'd get our son as he works less than me so can be there for him more than me.

This morning he couldn't even remember it but was deeply deeply apologetic. Said he had no excuse, doesn't feel angry in general and he said his only defence is his horrible drunkenness but he knows it's not n excuse. He doesn't drink much but has told me he will quit drink. He also said he'd go to anger management, basically anything I want . I believe he is remorseful.

This is totally out of character for him and I am still quite shocked. Whilst he does have a temper, his outbursts are rare and haven't ever resulted in violence.

Ds and I have come to my mums today. Dh is at our house. I wish this hadn't happened. I want to give him a second chance as I do believe that it was a one off but in the back of my mind i don't know if we can go back from this. It's been a hard year for us both health wise, I was made redundant, we moved house, we lost a pregnancy and there has been a lot of pressure on us but I thought we were in a good place.

I don't really know why I am writing this - am I a total mug if I give him another chance?

He did say to me last night that he needed my support in all this and I told him that I was still working out whether I was going to stay and this needed to be something he did for himself. Was this harsh of me ? I didn't think so.

Certainly not. There is an implication that either he is seeking help 'for you', i.e. would not do so if you did not insist on it, and you therefore have an obligation to stand by him. Or that you have to support him by not 'winding him up' as per his previous accusations. Neither is correct; you could point out you are currently supporting him by not going to the police.

I think you calmly but firmly reject the flowers. They trivialise the situation. He may have the best of intentions but that is beside the point.

Actually I think you need to go to the doctor for yourself to get your neck checked out if you are still sore. It would also be useful to have a record of this with the doctor in case you need to prove that it happened at some point in the future.

itreallyhappened - I agree that your H needs to do this for and by himself - but, don't lose out because of that. Going to the Drs as well doesn't mean you are doing it for him or whatever - it simply means you will hear & know what he has said. You will ensure it's on his medical records and this may help you further down the line if things don't work out. You will also hear it from the horses mouth whether the Dr thinks the meds (combined with alcohol) could have had this affect or not. If you aren't there - you only have your H's word for what was said and right now, that's not good enough (IMO).

Flowers - leave them where they are. Don't thank him for them, but don't throw them in his face. If he's a bastard biding his time it wont matter and if he's a genuine bloke who has fucked up he knows they wont 'fix' everything, but he is also doing other things and you have to be open to allowing him to make it up to you or there's no point in carrying on.

Do you really think this is beyond repair for you?

I don't know.....

I hope it's not beyond repair.

I didn't touch the flowers, h put them in a vase as i had just ignored them on the side and said, I got you flowers I thought they might make you smile, I'm so sorry. I have just left them where they are. The look I gave him said it all.

We Just spoke to one another and he is clearly very upset by this all but not in a dramatic way, genuinely destroyed. Says he's disgusted with himself and ashamed. He says he understands if I can't stay with him but he just wants me to give him a chance to prove he can get help and be a better man. He's been quite open about what he thinks some of the causes are and in all of them whilst there are other issues at play he is accepting full responsibility and I respect that.

I have suffered from depression in the past and he was my absolute rock so whilst I was never violent I know I was not easy to live with and I also know I would have found it a lot harder to have got through those dark times without him.

I know I don't owe him anything as he was violent to me but I want to give him that chance, to show me he's a human who is flawed and who made a mistake but who is capable of change. I think I will try.

Yes I second the proposal that you should go to the doctor yourself, OP.

I know you dearly want to think of this as a blip and something that can't/won't be repeated. I know you want to keep your family together and I do understand that, I'm sure everyone here will too.

But I shudder to think of how close you were to being maimed or dying. Even if he can't remember it, to have gone for your throat! How can I say this, it's as vulnerable and instantly disabling as you can get. If your neck is still sore now, then it must have been a severe and prolonged attack.

I just fear for you, I really do.

OP,
I too believe that people can change if they want to change, and from what you say it sounds like he does.
I gave you that link to the power and control wheel to show what behaviours abusers exhibit. Duluth has an equality wheel showing what equal and respectful relationships should be like, if you fancy a Google. I can only comment based on the info you've given. Based on that, his attitudes to his behaviour seem entirely appropriate, he does not appear to have entrenched poor views of women, he is remorseful. What I'm trying to say, is, I think other people are over egging it here. What he did was bad. Absolutely. And very reckless. But it seems there's a good chance this could be worked out if you wanted to.

I'd be more afraid for you if I could nit understand where his behaviour has cone from, as that would suggest attitude and abuse problems. You have identified a number of factors that have led to this incident:
Alcohol - a known disinhibitor of behaviour and mood
Medication - and crucially a recent change in meds
Build up of stress - you point out he may have bottled up all the events in this difficult year - the mc, hid health issues, TTC, on top of the usual daily stresses,
Poor thinking/emotional awareness - his defence mechanism of seeking to blame you when he has got frustrated in the past - prevented him from taking responsibility and considering other causes of his pent-up frustration.

I honestly cannot believe the number of people here who would be happy to excuse this as a blip in behaviour. Strangling can kill you very, very quickly. OP's husband came very close to killing her and is trying to deflect blame by saying he can't remember what happened and talking about anger management, FFS!

You're encouraging her to stay in a situation where there is at least some risk of this happening again. Would you tolerate this in your own relationships or in those of your daughters?

As far as I'm concerned the only acceptable risk of not being strangled by your partner is no risk.

"OP's husband came very close to killing her"

Did he?

"As far as I'm concerned the only acceptable risk of not being strangled by your partner is no risk."

So you only advocate relationships with men who have no hands?

What are you saying, Thing? Think about it.

All people are saying is OP should stay away from a man who has throttled you!

Seems fair enough to me.

It takes literally seconds to kill someone that way. By way of reminder, this is Vincent Tabak's evidence in his trial for the murder of Joanna Yates:

"Vincent Tabak killed Joanna Yeates by grabbing her around the throat after she began screaming but had not meant to seriously harm her, a murder trial jury heard on Monday.

Tabak claims he held a hand around the landscape architect's throat for about 20 seconds using no more than "moderate force"."

OP says before I knew it he had his hands round my neck and was shaking me is highly dangerous. It is one of the most vulnerable parts of your body and this assault could have had dire consequences.

OP I still think you are taking a massive risk here.

I repeat - I think you should go to the police. There is always a first time. It's not just one mistake - next time it happens it could cost you your life and your 2yo will grow up without a mum.

I think the OP will stay. I don't think she will see the doctor or tell the police. I worry for her and her child as one day he will see what goes on and that is another child traumatised. Sometimes walking away is the best thing to do. Staying for the sake of the child is not always the right thing to do, leaving for the sake of the child is the most loving thing you can do for your child.

Agree with JustFabulous

op has your h been to the doctor yet?
if not why not?
what is he waiting for?

have you been to your gp and reported what happened and been checked out?
if not why not?

I wish I knew you and your H IRL. If everything you say is as it is (I don't mean you are not telling the truth, just that sometimes you see/hear/feel what you want to & I'd like to see him for myself) then I think he deserves the opportunity to prove himself. He does seem to have made a real effort in getting books, reading stuff on line & working through it. He hasn't tried to blame you, he hasn't just moped around the house looking 'forlorn' - he's taken action. Did he go to the Drs yesterday? Did you go with him?

On the other hand, what he did is fucking scary :(

Think you need to hear the doc's view before you make any major decisions.

"getting books, reading stuff on line &" buying flowers - hmmm keeps it all in the family doesnt it?
unless he goes outside the couple relationship to seek help then this is controlling and absuive and keeping it a secret...
he needs to go and be open with his GP because if it is meds related gp needs to know now today...

We are going to doctor together tomorrow.

Reason it's not sooner is that we have both been at work and we want to go together and tomorrow we can get an evening appointment.

I looked at the equality model and it does sound like us in every respect. Apart from the one time he used violence. Once too many of course.

I am not staying just for my son. I am staying for the man my h has been for the past 8 years and for the man I can see he is trying to be. I am staying because I made some vows for better or worse and I am going to see if we can get through this 'worse' bit. But mostly I am staying because I love him and despite his hideous action I believe he is a good man who fucked up big time.

I am still reeling a bit from the enormity of it and the seriousness. It doesn't seem like my life. I know it will take work (on his part) for us to get back to where we were but I do believe in forgiving A mistake.

It may not work out - not because I think he will do it again but cause I dot know if I will ever feel the same, but I want to try.

We'll see what the doctor says tomorrow.

Thanks for all the support

His "mistake" could have left your son without his mummy.

Make sure he is doing all the work to make this right. You concentrate on keeping your child safe.

P.s. he wanted to go to doctor straight away and get outside support. I am the one making him wait as I want to be there too.

I know justfabulous - I am critically aware of this. And it scares me. But to leave I would be punishing all of us - I truly believe it won't happen again.

Good for you. I think he sounds remorseful but only you can tell. If you get vague answers from the GP, do ask for a referral to a specialist with experience in this sort of medication. Good luck.

Funny you say that wonder - initially we ha questions about the medication affecting sperm and all the specialist could tell us was "maybe it does, maybe it doesn't". Useful hey :(

AThing I don't want to derail the OP's thread, but I am replying to you because I think it's important everyone understands how risky strangulation is. You can be killed after a really very short period of compression to the neck - as little as 10 seconds - because many people who die in this way die from the heart stopping rather than from suffocation. This fact became more widely publicised during the Joanna Yeates trial last year, and contributes to the phenomenon of a number of people managing to kill themselves every year when they engage in choking play by themselves.

If you bother to read the thread you'll see I said upthread that I have been strangled. Funnily enough I get a bit het up about people suggesting that it's something a woman should just weigh up against an "otherwise good" relationship.

"If I leave I will be punishing all of us."

No you won't. You will be making sure your son has his mummy. You will be making sure you aren't under threat of being killed. You will be making it 100% clear to your husband that what he did was a crime and not something you are willing to go through again.

WRT to his sperm being affected by medication. You are being unfair to the doctor. In some cases the meds will affect it and in other people there will be no change so there is no definite yes or no. I aslso suggest very strongly you put off TTC for a good while yet.

I do understand your point and it is scary.

You're right to highlight it. I know I could have died, I'm acutely aware of that. Nearly died with my ectopic this year so I seem to have had two lucky escapes. I want to move forward with h though. I'm confident I am doing the right thing by trying.

But seriously thank you for All the support and challenge., it really helps crystallise my feelings