Shocked by dh's angry violent outburst... What to do?

[itreallyhappened]

Happily married to dh for 4 years with a 2yo ds.

Dh is the picture perfect family man but he does have the occasional angry outburst where he says I wind him up and Push his buttons. He's never been violent but I have been scared of his angry outbursts.

Last night we were at a party and both had too much to drink. We were arguing about which way to walk home and I was saying I knew the shortest way, dh just lost it with me. Shouting about how I always think I'm right etc and before I knew it he had his hands round my neck and was shaking me. Obviously I got him off and then we went home. I told him last night that it was over and he was just saying he'd get our son as he works less than me so can be there for him more than me.

This morning he couldn't even remember it but was deeply deeply apologetic. Said he had no excuse, doesn't feel angry in general and he said his only defence is his horrible drunkenness but he knows it's not n excuse. He doesn't drink much but has told me he will quit drink. He also said he'd go to anger management, basically anything I want . I believe he is remorseful.

This is totally out of character for him and I am still quite shocked. Whilst he does have a temper, his outbursts are rare and haven't ever resulted in violence.

Ds and I have come to my mums today. Dh is at our house. I wish this hadn't happened. I want to give him a second chance as I do believe that it was a one off but in the back of my mind i don't know if we can go back from this. It's been a hard year for us both health wise, I was made redundant, we moved house, we lost a pregnancy and there has been a lot of pressure on us but I thought we were in a good place.

I don't really know why I am writing this - am I a total mug if I give him another chance?

"If I leave I will be punishing all of us."

No. You wont. You will not only ensure that your son has his mum, but also his dad.

Can you imagine what would happen if you had died? Do you think your husband would have continued to care for your son like nothing happened?

Or what if you had survived, but with a serious brain damage? This happens too!

A hanging is a pretty swift death! Usually.

It happened to the child of one of our previous neighbours. He was a teenager, wanting to play a ghoulish trick on his older brother. He tied a noose around his neck, tied it to the top of the staircase, and walked down the stairs. Slipped. Strangulated himself. He did not die. But has been living in an institution the last ten years, needs full time care 24/7.

Anyway, back to the point. Dont take risks, all right?

So there's A LARGE group who basically think I should leave?

I'm now wondering if I'm a total mug for giving him another chance

Personally, I am not thinking you should leave, I am just surprised at how quickly you took him back and continued life as normal.

But the fact that you have not wanted to report it to the police, and not wanted to see the doctor for yourself, or in any other way report it or make it official, is because you want to keep it in the family. I just wonder why that is. If it is because you have reported him for something before, when he has lost his temper, or because you are worried that things will escalate the next time you call.

Good luck OP :)

Honestly? - its because I am genuinely trying to come to terms with the fact that my world has potentially crumbled and I'm trying to figure out the best way to move forward.

Believe me life in my house is anything but normal right now :(

sorry.

Is that really what you feel as I think you are not telling anyone official as you are scared as then it is really real?

I know you must be feeling devastated but you need to get him out for a bit so you can have some space to think without having him there.

I am scared of it being real. You're right. I want to pretend it didn't happen. I know we can't but I don't want to go straight to the extreme of splitting up my family if there's a way we can work through it without doing that. I know some of you will think i'm foolish. I'm surprised at myself to be honest.

Just be careful and stop trying to make everything fine immediately.

The best thing you could do right now is to get him to move out for a bit Focus his mind.

I would suggest you are still in shock. My now ex dp strangled me relatively recently. I haven't seen him since, my choice. The first week, I tried to carry on as usual, apart from breaking down in tears constantly, so not really as usual. The second week, I did absolutely nothing, just sat, in shock. With a bit of distance I can see this is what it was.

I found the fact sheet posted by Offred. It chilled me to the bone. People had told me how dangerous this was, what the consequences could have been, seeing it presented so factually really hit me. Have you read it? It is true, there is something particularly shocking about strangling, it seemed to me almost premeditated. I can't believe they don't know what they are doing, he chose to stop....what if he'd chosen to carry on a bit longer?

It's unbelievable to think the person that says he loves you could do such a thing to you. When I reported it to the police they pointed out that they had been called on a few other occasions, and I would urge you to log this with them. They were so supportive.

When I looked back the anger, aggression and finally attack had escalated over the previous year. It's so easy to see things as isolated incidents, have a think back and be honest with yourself, has he been getting more aggressive over time?

As someone else said, it is a first time the first time he does it, but are you prepared to see if there will be a second time? It's a massive gamble, not one I could take for the sake of my dd, and ME!

Despite logic, it is very very difficult to end it, I think about it constantly still, but knew I couldn't risk my life, or leave my dd motherless.

Good luck with your decision, op. Also, so sorry about your baby, I have also been there and know the pain. xxx

I think you are making a HUGE mistake in sweeping all this under the carpet and making everything ok for him again. You are protecting someone who could easily have killed you. Where are the consequences ? if a strange bloke came up to you in Sainsbury's and put his hands around your neck, he would be banged up.

it isn't ok, because he is your husband

at all

he is no less likely than that stranger is to do it again

because you never thought he would do such a thing in the first place

now he has, it has changed everything

you covering up for him is ill advised and dangerous

OP, I think you should examine your past relationship very carefully

is there a history of him being a bit too verbal, pushing past you roughly, throwing objects, slamming doors, leaning a bit too close to you, "accidentally" trapping your fingers or treading on your toes etc etc ?

I am not saying to leave either, it isn't my choice. I do wish you would wait a little and give it time to sink in properly before you decide what you are going to do though. You don't actually need to make a decision just now though.

I know you really want to believe it is the meds but I find it hard to believe that if the meds had caused him psychosis that it would be so entirely contained in that one moment and he would be fine now or that alcohol could cause it either. I just don't think it makes sense. Psychosis doesn't turn people into stranglers neither does alcohol or stress.

Every victim of dv feels at the time that their partner showed no sign and was wonderful apart from xyz and since you have more than one thing to say that about it makes me worry.

I think you should give serious contemplation to reporting it to the police or doctor too. I don't think it is something that should be kept within the family, like others have said it doesn't take much to kill someone through strangling.

The boyfriend who hit me found it a lot harder - and needed less provocation - to do it a second time.

easier, not harder.

Once abusive partners know you'll put up with x, I'm sure they think 'O ok, in that case here's x again, plus y and z'.

Yes I'm afraid it'll be a green light. Most women suffer abuse 30 or more times before they get help.

That's the ones who are still alive, of course...unlike the two women every week who are killed by their partners or exes.

A barrier has been past.

Now he knows that next time he does it, you will be mad at him for a short while. You will cover for him. You will become his partner in crime, as you are so scared of the consequences of his actions, to your life, your relationship, so ashamed (nothing to be ashamed of) and scared to talk about it, that you rather take the risk of it not being so bad next time, or it not happening at all, that you cover for him.

Personally I think if HE were horrified at his actions/terrified of it happening again/taking it in any way seriously he would have removed HIMSELF for a reasonable amount of time, he would have seen the GP IMMEDIATELY, booking a further appointment to go with you if you wished it, would have sorted himself out a couple of possible counselling places/taken time off work as potentially his stress is so bad that HE STRANGLED HIS WIFE......

if he had done this I would be thinking, OK well he thinks it's serious...not because he nearly lost his marriage and his family but because HE REALLY HURT YOU and he is determined that it will never happen again.

Crying, being sad and showing remorse are of course expected...but what is he sorry for...the enormity of his actions/the possibility he could ever hurt his life partner? or the fact that he has messed up big time and could end up single with limited access to his child?

Your emotions and your thoughts will naturally be all over the place now: please consider that this was real and should be treated as such, whatever you think, feel or do about your relationship. You would advise anyone to report an assault to the police and to be checked over by a GP. You don't have to press charges, but you do need to make sure that for both of your sakes this incident is acknowledged as the serious, life changing event that it is.

When this takes root in the real world and not just as a "one off" that the two of you alone know about then you may well find it easier to decide what to do. At the moment you are the guardian of his dirty secret as well as the victim....it's not a healthy place to be...complicit in your own injury and taking too much responsibility for the consequences of his actions.

I seem to have had two lucky escapes

You do realise you've typed this? That you think you've had a lucky escape that your husband, the father of your child didn't kill you when he strangled you?

You seemed to be doing ok. Now you're normalising it. Trivialising it. Trotting out the 'it's best for the children' party line.

It's becoming the script and that's hard to see when you're in it but is painfully clear to the people reading it.

Also, I notice how, apart from the wailing and gnashing of teeth he hasn't actually done anything.

He should have left and gotten help away from you and your DS. Instead, he stayed put and you left to go to your mums. But it's ok. Because he cooked a dinner.

My exP was disgusted with himself, promised it would never happen again, couldn't stand himself etc... The same bullshit excuses that these type of people always roll out.

I told him when it happened that if he did anything again it would have been the end of it. I was foolish to think that that would be enough of a stand. And as much as things went back to normal on surface level after that, emotionally they never did, and I spent the rest of our "relationship" terrified of him.

I made excuses because exP had been dealing with something incredibly stressful. And that made it okay, right? That made it okay for him to grab my throat, throw me on the bed and squeeze my throat? That made it okay for him to shout in my face that he would speak to me however the fuck he wanted but I wasn't to speak to him like that again, did I understand. It was just him dealing with stress, right?

I say this because as much as he might be dealing with some emotional issues right now, that in NO WAY gives him permission to use you as a physical outlet for those feelings.

This is not your fault.
You are not to blame for his actions - and HE is to blame for the consequences of them.

I've been a victim of domestic violence once for ten years emotional and physical and once for six months when my face ended up looking like a car crash.

This is not a man who is going to be abusive again.

He takes medication that causes psychosis he drank whilst on the medication, it's clear that the cause of his outbursts in the last five months and this episode are related to the medication.

I take anti psychotics because I have had psychotic episodes, when you have those your personality changes from that to a monsters, you behave in such a way your own mother would not recognise you.

I clearly believe he does not remember he had what can only be described as a mental fit.

Abusive partners have patterns they don't wait eight years for that pattern to emerge. The reason the op is so shocked and bewildered is she didn't recognise the person who strangled he he bears no relation to her husband at all.

They both need support and they need to get him on different medication.

Their marriage deserves to recover this isn't a serial abuser.

Please op give him a chance he is as shocked as you because he doesn't recognise the man he was that night either.

Ask the doctor I bet he can confirm it was a psychotic episode.

I joined to reply to this thread only.

This is not a man who is going to be abusive again.

there is absolutely no way you can know that.

Yours is an opinion, just like everyone else's, except it is a dangerous one.