Shocked by dh's angry violent outburst... What to do?

[itreallyhappened]

Happily married to dh for 4 years with a 2yo ds.

Dh is the picture perfect family man but he does have the occasional angry outburst where he says I wind him up and Push his buttons. He's never been violent but I have been scared of his angry outbursts.

Last night we were at a party and both had too much to drink. We were arguing about which way to walk home and I was saying I knew the shortest way, dh just lost it with me. Shouting about how I always think I'm right etc and before I knew it he had his hands round my neck and was shaking me. Obviously I got him off and then we went home. I told him last night that it was over and he was just saying he'd get our son as he works less than me so can be there for him more than me.

This morning he couldn't even remember it but was deeply deeply apologetic. Said he had no excuse, doesn't feel angry in general and he said his only defence is his horrible drunkenness but he knows it's not n excuse. He doesn't drink much but has told me he will quit drink. He also said he'd go to anger management, basically anything I want . I believe he is remorseful.

This is totally out of character for him and I am still quite shocked. Whilst he does have a temper, his outbursts are rare and haven't ever resulted in violence.

Ds and I have come to my mums today. Dh is at our house. I wish this hadn't happened. I want to give him a second chance as I do believe that it was a one off but in the back of my mind i don't know if we can go back from this. It's been a hard year for us both health wise, I was made redundant, we moved house, we lost a pregnancy and there has been a lot of pressure on us but I thought we were in a good place.

I don't really know why I am writing this - am I a total mug if I give him another chance?

What are the meds, if you don't mind me asking?

I really don't think I would or could stay with dh if he strangled me, drink, meds, anger issues, depression, whatever. I couldn't and wouldn't want to get over it. I don't think his response is very heartening either I'm afraid. His initial reaction is what he really thinks about it and to me it is coming across as though he cares about you and your son but he doesn't really believe he has a problem, he is doing it to stop you leaving. Who knows why he doesn't want you to leave? Also what motivation does he have to respect and care for you if you are not threatening to leave?

I think it is really worrying that you say he has regular angry outbursts during which you feel scared of him but then say this strangling is "totally out of character" - how can those two things be reconciled?

I very much doubt this is down to drunkenness, meds or anything other than a man who fundamentally believes you "push his buttons" and doesn't fundamentally believe that aggression against you is wrong.

Anger management is not appropriate, and potentially dangerous if this is a case of DV. This is from Women's Aid: Couples work, anger management, mediation and restorative justice are not appropriate responses to men?s abusive behaviour to women.

The thing is, when a man says he'll attend AM classes, it can give you a false sense of optimism because it looks like he's taking responsibility for his actions and taking some action. But this ignores the fact that having an anger problem and being a DV perpetrator are totally different phenomena. DV is intentional behaviour - it is not a loss of control - and AM will do nothing to change a DV perpetrator. Perpetrators use the idea of having an anger problem to shift responsibility from themselves and their choices to commit violence. Notice that one of his first responses was to blame you, which was also meant to shift responsibility from himself.

OP, I have been strangled too. It can kill you or do really serious damage to you really quickly. Either he knew what he was doing, or he didn't. If he did, he is an abuser and is a very dangerous man. If he didn't and was genuinely out of control in some way due to drink or medication, then he is a very dangerous man.

All food for thought.

phyllis it is a good point that I'm the only one he gets angry with. I think I am. I've never witnessed him really angry with ds and I have witnessed ds (typical gorgeous but testing 2.5yr old) really wind up dh. I don't know about work or his friends but I don't think he is. Like I say, it's out of character.

offred also thought provoking what you post. I did say he had occasional angry outbursts though, not regular ones. And these have only been in the last few months - which ties in with the starting of the meds.
I assume he doesn't want me to leave because he loves me. This is what he tells me and I do believe him.

The meds are prednisone, Salofalk and Azathioprine. They are all for a physical condition. Until now we thought his mental health was fine.

Just been to the kitchen to ask if he's coming to watch x factor (going through the motions) and he's finishing tidying up then going to read more about anger issues. He looks broken.

My genuine belief is that he's a good person who totally fucked up. I don't think he will do it again but I don't know if once is once too many times for us to ever be the same again.

Thank you all for The helpful and thought provoking posts. Where would I be without mums net? I wanted to ring my best friend but how do you go from "how was your weekend?" to "Friday night was fun but my neck is still sore from where dh who you've known and loved for 6years had his hands round it". It is just unbelievable yet sadly so so true :(

This is what chills me about strangulation; "Strangulation is a significant risk factor for attempted or completed homicide of women by their male intimates. In a study of 57 women who were killed by a male partner during 1995-1996 in Chicago, 53% of the victims had experienced strangulation in the preceding year and 18% of the victims had been killed by strangulation.7In another study of women victims it was found that 45% of the attempted homicide victims and 43% of the homicide victims had been strangled in the past year by their male partner, as compared to 10% of the victims who were abused but were neither a homicide or an attempted homicide victim.9"

Taken from - here

I just find it chilling. It is a very particular type of violence which makes me think of real hate and trying to make someone quiet.

X posts phyllis

I do think he was out of control. You're right, it is dangerous. He didn't blame me though, not at all.

That is chilling offred. It is :(

That is the part that is good itreallyhappened. What a terrible and confusing situation

The not blaming you part I mean.

I thought I'd had my run of bad luck this year losing my job and my baby. I'm so done with 2012.

Yes offred - if he'd even said such a word as to vaguely imply I'd been the cause of his actions then this whole situation would have played out very differently.

I feel lonely and a bit scared now about the future, not scared about what he might do as I genuinely think it's an isolated incident. But I feel scared about being alone if I can't forgive him. My poor little boy doesn't deserve any of this shit :(

Don't get ahead of yourself. It won't help. Bit by bit and don't have expectations.

Oh I misread. But he has blamed you for his "outbursts" in the past, right?

Well good luck OP, but I do think you are exposing yourself to an extremely dangerous situation. Keep alert. My prediction is that he will either not actually make it to an AM class, or fail to complete it.

Yeah phyllis twice when he has been shouts he's said I've pushed his buttons. It never occurred to me this was wrong until someone pointed it out here today. When I pointed it out to him he totally took it onboard. He says he's scared of his behaviour so let's see what he does about it.

Thanks ladies

He hasn't blamed you for this episode but he also can't remember it.

It seems to me that it's very important he talk to his doctor about the episode in the context of his medication and perhaps his decision to drink whilst taking it - although of course lots of meds do say avoid alcohol when there's no proven link to any of the side-effects.

I would certainly challenge his interpretation of events as needing anger management, if it is solely directed to you (and given his previous form for blaming you for winding him up). Perhaps a chat with Women's Aid to see what they recommend for men who might be concerned about their behaviour? Did he grow up in an abusive household? I wonder if he is mirroring behaviour he's seen as 'normal' in the past.

Funny that you wrote that tribpot. We've just had a brief chat about it and he was saying how he'd read anger was learnt and whilst there was no physical abuse in his household his mum was always shouting at him and his brother, his dad and mum argued a lot and him and his brother fought a lot. It was just how they were. My family were not like that.

I've told him I want to forgive him but I don't know if I can.

We'll see where we go

Something else that has occurred OP is that you appear to describe someone who is very very nice most of the time, and then when he is angry, not very nice. Does he bottle things up a lot? People who do that tend to be quite passive for a lot of the time and then explode.

You also say that he did not feel the stressful year you've both had was a factor. Anger has to come from somewhere, be it as a reason to control, a release of feeling, anger at that person, anger at another situation etc. How do you rate his emotional intelligence?

Another poster is right, anger management is not suitable for a domestic abuse perpetrator. That is because it could make someone who is controlling, even better at being controlling. Sometimes when people are crap at managing their emotions, it gives the victim more warning that the perpetrator is going to lose their temper if they were good at hiding it, it would increase the risk to the victim. That said, OP- you have said this is a one off incident. Take a look at this:
www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/PowerandControl.pdf
Does any of that look familiar? The things in that picture are abuse. I didn't get that impression from your posts, but see what you think.

If I had strangled a family member, and genuinely didn't feel in control to the point of being scared of my own behaviour, I would move out for their safety regardless of what they wanted. Just a thought.

Abuse can be a learned behaviour, but that isn't an excuse for it.

itreallyhappened - I think you should ask him to make an appoinment at the Drs tomorrow (go together) and discuss his meds, ask if they could have had this effect on him, especially when combined with alcohol. You will need for him to be honest with the Dr about what happened and that will give you an added measure of how seriously he's taking this - if he's prepared to do that or not.

It's easy for other people to say 'leave the bastard' but when it's you in the relationship it's not so easy, nor always necessary. On the other hand - your vows do not condemn you to a miserable life. Your DS will be better off growing up safe & secure - whether this is with his parents together or apart is something you have to work out - don't assume 'together' is the best thing for DS.

He's offered to go and stay elsewhere - if you need him to do that, then tell him you'd appreciate it if he did.

Big Hugs
x

I haven't actually posted this on here before, but felt I should share.

I had an argument with exP, over nothing really. I asked him to leave the room as he was shouting, needed to calm down, and DS was in the room.

He grabbed me by the throat, threw me on the bed, and shouted in my face.

Again, like you, I knew he had a bit of a temper, but he had never been violent to me before then.

I decided to give things another go, more for DS than for me.

A few months later, when he was being very tetchy, I told him that he was swearing too much in front of DS, and needed to calm down (again). He raised his voice and walked towards me with just this look on his face, and I knew what was coming. I was holding DS at the time.

I told him to leave, and our relationship ended that day, though really it had ended months before, when he hurt me.

I thought I could forgive him, I even wanted to a bit I think. But I couldn't, I didn't. And his promises of "it will never happen again" were bollocks.

Am not going to shriek "LEAVE THE BASTARD" at you, but really - once they've stepped over that line, and hurt you that first time, there really is no going back.

So sorry you're dealing with this.

OP - your DH has made a full admission, accepted responsibility and has not tried to accuse you of causing his behaviour.

Everybody makes a mistake - given this is a serious one, I think he should be entitled to one chance only. I do not sense that he is a habitual abuser with a drinking problem. It sounds to me as if there was a lot of tension bubbling underneath the surface and in his intoxicated state he was incapable of controlling himself.

Give him a chance to make this right. I know this won't be the popular view, but I truly believe in the capacity of human beings to recognise when they've done something wrong and that it is possible, in the vast majority of cases for people to make up for one off mistakes.

I hope this works out for you.

It takes a special type of man to hold his wife, the mother of his child, up by the throat and try to strangle her.

I am not sure you realize just what chilling reading this is.

You are already walking on egg shells. He says you push his buttons, blaming you for his anger. Now he has an even bigger hold on you. He has showed you you how far he is prepared to go, what he is capable of. And this hold over you will now never go away. Every time he is angry from now on, you will be scared. "Is today the day he hit me/knife me/strangle me" and worse "Will my child see his dad violent to mum"

And it is your choice... Not your childs choice.

I wish your child luck.

delia - interesting and scary model. None of those sound like him. The only thing he has ever done is say that he would get ds if we split and that was also on Friday night so forms part of the one horrible incident.

It's good to know others also think that it could be a blip on an otherwise lovely man but boobalot story does scare me. When we spoke briefly last night he said part of his reading had showed there must be triggers to anger and he says he feels very inadequate that he hasn't been able to give me another baby. We'd been trying a while before we lost one in march and been trying since with nothing. There's been nothing to say it is down to sperm but another potential side effect of his meds were poor speem quality but unfortunately they were the meds which doc recommended so as dh had been so ill we decided him getting better should be prioritised over ttc. I wondered whether the ttc and pregnancy loss had affected him more than he was lettin on as he was always positive and strong for me but I think he probably has been feeling the pressure.

delia I don't rate his EI much to be honest. I'm very in touch with my feelings but since we got together he's always been a bottler-up of emotions. Then he'll explode in one of his shouty episodes. It's always bothered me but nobody's perfect and I just thought this was a flaw of his (I have plenty of my own as do we all!!) I am however impressed by his attitude to this and the fact he's taking it so seriously.

He did say to me last night that he needed my support in all this and I told him that I was still working out whether I was going to stay and this needed to be something he did for himself. Was this harsh of me ? I didn't think so.

This morning I still feel numb.

I work tue-thu so am off today with ds which is good and just what I need.

chipping - I get your point about dh and I going to the doctor together but I really think this should be something he deals with himself.

IMO nothing you have had about him justifies him trying to kill you.

I am so sorry for you. I really think you need professional help.

said about him, not had.

I'm sure he's a very nice man most of the time, but as Justfabulous says he tried to kill you. Let's not beat around the bush. He tried to kill you. He says you push his buttons. He said he'd get DS if you split. Doesn't sound very nice to me. I understand you don't want to give up on things, but this man has shown you that he is willing to strangle you. What happens the next time you "push his buttons"? You say he's been under pressure with ttc, but he didn't try to strangle his boss or a friend, did he? He put his hands round YOUR throat. You lost a baby, have you tried to kill anyone because of it?
I don't mean to upset you but it's easy to get caught up in it when you love the person, but the fact remains, your husband tried to kill you. Can you live wondering when the pressure will get too much for him again and wondering if this time he'll go just that little bit further?