Shocked by dh's angry violent outburst... What to do?

[itreallyhappened]

Happily married to dh for 4 years with a 2yo ds.

Dh is the picture perfect family man but he does have the occasional angry outburst where he says I wind him up and Push his buttons. He's never been violent but I have been scared of his angry outbursts.

Last night we were at a party and both had too much to drink. We were arguing about which way to walk home and I was saying I knew the shortest way, dh just lost it with me. Shouting about how I always think I'm right etc and before I knew it he had his hands round my neck and was shaking me. Obviously I got him off and then we went home. I told him last night that it was over and he was just saying he'd get our son as he works less than me so can be there for him more than me.

This morning he couldn't even remember it but was deeply deeply apologetic. Said he had no excuse, doesn't feel angry in general and he said his only defence is his horrible drunkenness but he knows it's not n excuse. He doesn't drink much but has told me he will quit drink. He also said he'd go to anger management, basically anything I want . I believe he is remorseful.

This is totally out of character for him and I am still quite shocked. Whilst he does have a temper, his outbursts are rare and haven't ever resulted in violence.

Ds and I have come to my mums today. Dh is at our house. I wish this hadn't happened. I want to give him a second chance as I do believe that it was a one off but in the back of my mind i don't know if we can go back from this. It's been a hard year for us both health wise, I was made redundant, we moved house, we lost a pregnancy and there has been a lot of pressure on us but I thought we were in a good place.

I don't really know why I am writing this - am I a total mug if I give him another chance?

Tell your friends. YOU have nothing to be ashamed of. Telling your friends will mean you have someone to keep you to account if you accept crap.

Keeping it secret means you will tolerate more and more.

If you really can't tell your friends ....it's because it is really intolerable. Think about it

You're right.

Completely right. I am so ashamed of him and what he did.

But the thought of going into a family of two (me and ds) the week I was expecting to become a family of 4 is unbearable. Maybe long term I would be happier without dh though. Who knows. I am going to see him today - I think that will help me decide whether I want to give it another go or not.

What he says to you today will be absolutely crucial. If he even hints that what happened was your fault, or that you need to change as much as he does, then that's the end I'm afraid. He needs to accept full responsibility for what he did or you will forever be afraid of "setting him off" again in the future.

I agree. I know I want it to work as I am desperate for him to say the thing I know he needs to say for me to start forgiving him. But if he behaves like an arse then i feel I will have no choice but to end it.

Going to leave ds at mum's for a couple of hours and go and talk to him. Feeling nervous about how it will go

Will be thinking about you itreallyhappened. Remember that you don't have to agree to anything at all during your meet-up with him, keep that in your head and it might take away some pressure from you. Tell him you'll need time to come to a decision and go away and think about how the chat went, how he behaved, etc. Also, don't start forgiving him based on what he says. Words are easy. Reserve forgiveness until you see what he does. If he promises the moon on a stick and you forgive him and go back, you might find he suddenly drags his feet about arranging counselling, etc.

Also sending hugs for your lost baby. I'm so sorry that happened, and can completely understand how much more awful and difficult that makes the timing of all this. I'm sure your DH is also feeling sad too, but if how he's dealing with it is to hurt you, then that needs to be addressed. What he did is not acceptable, and I'm glad that you realise that.

Thanks for the hugs ponygirl - the timing is awful - although maybe has something to do with it all. You're right though. I don't have to make any decisions.

I agree with CailinDana - both of her posts.

I think the best thing to do today, is listen then go away to think - don't agree to anything.

I'll be thinking of you today.

I'm also very sorry about the baby :(

Well I went home and had a good talk to dh. He is highly remorseful, told me it was completely unacceptable and he didn't know why he did it. He says he cant even rememeber it. He said he is not 'that person' to which I said "well you are now cause you've done it". And he became upset saying he cannot believe he has put his marriage and family on the edge. I told him that by saying i push his buttons etc he is effectively blaming me (id never looked at it that way so thanks to the poster who spotted it) and he took that on board and agreed that it wasnt fair to blame me, and he needs to take responsibility for managing his emotions. He said he is going to spend the afternoon researching Anger management and call the doctor this morning to try and get an appointment. I asked him if he felt that the various pressures we'd been under this year had somehow contributed to it and he said no, whatever has happened doesn't give him any reason to behave like that. In some ways that makes me feel better as he's not searching for excuses and taking the opportunity to use our other problems as an excuse, but in other ways it makes me feel worse cause I don't understand why it happened....

I stayed for an hour and then came back to my mum and dads. He asked me if ds and I would go home tonight. He said he would like to cook us dinner if i wanted to and then if I wanted he would go to a hotel, or to his parents or I could go to my parents or he would sleep in the spare room. He says he can't believe he's fucked up so badly and he will do whatever it takes to prove to me that it was a foolish one off. He feels sick to his stomach that he hurt me and especially as he added to my hurt this week.

I mentioned in the op that dh has been unwell this year and he is on meds, one of which side effects is psychotic behaviour. We laughed when he read out the side effects 6 weeks ago but are now taking it more seriously. Dh said today, "I'm not trying to use this as an excuse but there is a side effect of my meds which could explain my behaviour. I shouldn't have drunk on them and will not do so again".

I do believe that dh is a good person. He isn't controlling, jealous or anything like that and I was deeply relieved to hear him take full responsibility for everything and not use make any attempt at excusing himself or blaming me in any way. I think he has a point about alcohol and his meds and though its not an excuse I do think people do things that aren't the 'REAL' them when they have been drinking heavily.

I have said ds and I will go back at 6 for dinner and that dh can sleep in the spare room.

In my heart I want to give him another chance. He made a mistake. Yes it was awful and yes he shouldn't have done it but he did.

I don't know if I can ever feel the same again but I want to try.

Thank you all for the wonderful advice and support.

I wish your child good luck.

Please do not stay with him if he does it again.

And it wouldn't be YOU who broke up the family. It would be him as he broke the deal you have when you marry someone to never hurt them.

You're right justfabulous - it would be him that caused it but at this moment in time I am the one who has the choice to either stay or to break up the family.

Have just got home to dinner in the oven and dh reading "anger management for dummies". Clearly he's been crying a lot though has tried to hide it. Says he never realised he had a problem and just thought he was irritable but clearly he has got a problem and he wants to get counselling.

I feel sad for him, sad for me and just sad about the whole thing really.

I want to comfort him as he obviously feels awful but I am not in the place where I want to comfort him. It is a strange strange feeling.

If he says he doesn't remember strangling you and shaking you how can he be sure he won't do it again? He is saying he had a total lack of control.

Also be wary: last night you posted that he said he will "quit drink."

Today this has gone down to "I shouldn't have drunk on them and will not do so again".

On top of anything else, I would consider phoning the police and asking for this incident to go on file, in case anything happens in the future.

There's no way I'd consider staying with DH if he did something like this to me, drunk, depressed or otherwise. Nor would he be left alone with the children.

I think that was a very positive talk and I do think you're doing the right thing by trying again. I think what your DH has said does show that he realises his behaviour was totally unacceptable. I would be very very hopeful that it's a genuine mistake that won't happen again.

Just to clarify - has he said he will give up drinking?

Yes cailin - ironically he isn't a big drinker anyway but says he isn't going to drink again. He is mortified.

I believe this is a one off and I want to give him a second chance. Time will tell if it was the right thing to do or not I guess and i am finding it hard to look at him the same right now. I don't know whether we can get over it but I want to try.... For ds as much as me.

It's very easy to say you'd leave your dh (I've said it to friends who've been cheated on) but when you're faced with it and all that goes with it it's a different story. I feel at this stage I still have a choice.

I wouldn't leave ds with him if I wasn't sure he would be safe and of course ds will remain my top priority.

Thank you everyone

You can't stay with him for your son. That is too much pressure on a small child.

You're right- I'm not staying just for ds but I did take my vows too and although what he did was vile I want to see if we can get past it. Right now I don't know. I kind of wish it were just me and ds in the house even though dh is being like he always usually is (cooking, washing up, playing with ds, running bath etc etc). He just seems different to me now. He hurt me.

Fucking shit how your world can fall apart in a night isn't it.

It is. I have had to leave 2 men who hit me so I have a tiny understanding of what you have been through and I have also been physically assaulted (strangled) so I get the fear.

Just please please be careful and don't let anything go.

So sorry that that happened to you fabulous.

I hope you have found peace and happiness now. I feel numb at the moment :(

Dh is bathing ds and I booted up the laptop to do some work and thought I'd have a look at his Internet history to see if he really did spend the day looking at anger management. There were lots of sites he'd visited about anger management and I can see he's been googling "anger ruined my marriage" and phrases like that and reading lots of self help stuff. He's also obviously been looking for counsellors. This shows me he accepts he has a problem and wants to fix it. But it doesn't change the fact I see him differently now.

Took my wedding ring off on Friday night and no desire to put it back on. I never thought this would happen to me. Who does though?

No one .

I understand about feeling differently towards your partner. I took one of the hitters back. I knew pretty quick I felt nothing for huim anymore but gave it a few weeks to be sure. Once it is gone it is hard to get back, not impossible though but ime it depends on the reason for it going in the first place.

Be careful of him sweeping this away saying it is an "anger management" problem. If he truly had problems controlling his anger, you wouldn't be the only one on the receiving end of it - he'd be having problems with anger at work, with family, friends etc. Does that happen? This is difficult to hear, but if you are the only one he has "anger management" problems with, then what is really happening is he is giving himself permission to be violent to you.

If he honestly can't remember strangling his wife and claims that it might be medication induced psychosis then he is not safe to be around a small child or you.

If you plan to stay (although I really do think you would be better not to) he urgently needs to tell his doctor what happened and to have his medication reviewed.

itreallyhappened - I've read your OP and subsequent updates.

• I'm glad he has taken sole responsibility for the incident, that is encouraging
• It is also encouraging that he has identified the seriousness of his behaviour
• IMO the actions he has agreed to undertake are reasonable and fair

I think it is now important that he uphold these promises and get help. He has to be clear that if he doesn't, you will not accept it. The road to changing behaviour can be long and have ups and downs, and to be fair to this man it could be that there are odd occasions that he fails to control his temper in the future. I guess I mean that its a balance between putting your foot down about unacceptable violent behaviour, without becoming over sensitive to every single 'bad day' he may have in the future.

IME alcohol really doesn't mix well with mental health prescriptions, or anger, or those with a depressive personality.

I would do as others have advised and I think anger management eccellent, and possibly counselling for you both-sounds like you've had a tough year.It also sounds like your dh has been irritable and needs to deal with how he blames you.

Please do not think I'm excusing dv when I say this, but my fil had a slight change in meds and had some unbelievable behaviour as a result:memory loss and hallucinations-it was only some antibiotics but addded to another med he takes and it was like he had a bad acid trip.

I am really really not excusing this-just think he needs to tell all to dr including the meds.