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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do women marry, have children with and stay with men who are ..

184 replies

beetroot · 26/03/2006 18:42

Lazy and dont repect them?

I have seen it on Mumnset so much over the years adn it still astounds me.

OP posts:
puff · 26/03/2006 20:47

Hey mytwop, the thing with Mumsnet is, you will get diversity and polarity of opinion in spadefuls. That's what makes it so good. Try not to take comments too personally - although that can be hard when you are feeling shaky I know.

tillykins · 26/03/2006 20:48

I don't think I agree moondog

I think its probably an overused term, but recognising you have low self esteem is probably easier than raising it

Caligula · 26/03/2006 20:51

I don't think people who have low self-esteem recognise they do though.

It may be over-used, but it's under-recognised.

blueteddy · 26/03/2006 20:51

Low self esteem does often play a huge part in why women stay in less than healthy relationships.
They may have been made to feel worthless by their parents, gone on to have bad relationships & felt it was almost the norm & that they didn't deserve any better.
Beetroot does offer a lot of support to women who are going through relationship problems. I am sure she didn't mean to upset anyone.

monkeytrousers · 26/03/2006 20:53

I was just saying to DP the other day that while DS gets 'wrong' we never take it to the kinds of extremes our parents did and so he will grow up knowing what people who love him sound like, and they don't endlessly shout, scream, criticize, and belittle. I was confused about what love meant when I 'escaped' from home. Looking back I'm not surprised.

snowleopard · 26/03/2006 20:55

Mytwopenceworth, I'm sorry that I've been a bit flippant and thoughtless today, and I don't think anyone meant to upset you. It's easy for us all to address Beety's question in the abstract and mull over and analyse what makes people stay with disrespectful partners. Of course it's different when you're on the inside of a horrible situation and you feel trapped. Contrary to what you've said, I don't think it's your fault, that you are in this situation, or that you can't change it.

I hope people MN can help by being supportive. But perhaps people who are directly supportive in response to a particular problem, might also discuss something in the abstract elsewhere and make generalisations without realising someone might be upset by that.

monkeytrousers · 26/03/2006 20:56

And how are women, of any level of self esteem, able to articulate their feelings on the subject if we don't discuss it on forums like this that they and us have access to? It's a very valid question and one that's never resolved so needs to be constantly brought up again.

monkeytrousers · 26/03/2006 20:58

Blueteddy, it's the condidion of consumerism to make us all feel bad about ourselves in the hope we'll try to buy ourselves to happiness.

motherinferior · 26/03/2006 21:00

(as evidenced by MT's and my serious research of skincare products Grin.)

Seriously MTPW, please, my comments weren't about you or your situation either.

blueteddy · 26/03/2006 21:00

I agree, monkeytrousers.

lafemmequipensequelleestunchap · 26/03/2006 21:00

tbh beetroot I think your original q did imply that women shoud leave - maybe you didn;t mean it to but it specifically said why do they stay? I think another reason people might like mytwopennorth might find it upsetting is the way in which the question is posed - again perhaps unintentionally - places the whole agency for the situation on the woman. To ask why women put up with it without asking why men do it in the first place does appear to be placing responsiblity on one person's shoulders. I feel very much for twopennorth - as I'm sure we all do. And I think her post illustrates at least some of the complexities of the answer, as well as some of the shortcomings of the question.

moondog · 26/03/2006 21:02

BTW,who are you woman thinking she is head apparel??
There are so many French noms de plume about these days...many people or the same one???

lafemmequipensequelleestunchap · 26/03/2006 21:03

erm. i'm the woman who thinks she is head apparel...(hat?) except in French. and without the eau. cos it was too long.

Original poster
beetroot · 26/03/2006 21:04

laf (no idea who you are) I think you might be right. Perhpas it was worded badly. HOwever I do think the quyestion 'why men do it' is anohter thread altogtehr

(oh you are the hat person!!??)

OP posts:
Original poster
beetroot · 26/03/2006 21:05

i always assume to much . dh tells me off for this to Grin

OP posts:
Enide · 26/03/2006 21:09

sorry but what a ridiculous question

we are all different and it is absurd to expect this to be answered for you (sorry beetroot).

I have a great marriage but am aware that I am LUCKY, it is not just because I am a certain person deserving of being treated well.

Sometimes i go through phases of being lazy and arguementative with my dh - don't expect him to leave me though Wink

snowleopard · 26/03/2006 21:10

Lack of respect for women is ingrained in our culture (and in many others). Men and women often collude in it.

granarybeck · 26/03/2006 21:11

Motherinferior, I think you are spot on that there are compromises that parenthood enforces upon our principles. It certainly has on mine.

But Beetroot I do recognise what you're saying about being treated with little respect on a day to day basis. I think what you mentioned about contraception may be part of it. That there have been times in my life where I have thought, oh well, shit, i've got myself into this situation (ie had children with this man), they're here now, i'm just going to have to make the best of it. That's not saying i would let someone treat me like shite everyday. (I had more of a one-off realisation of what my dh was like.) But the balance and options in all our lives are different i guess.

tigermoth · 26/03/2006 21:21

well, I had no lie in ( my dh got up at 12.00 pm) I did all the ferrying around today for the boys, I have just finished washing the kitchen floor and other bits of housework. True my dh has cooked supper - it's cooking in the oven. He's now at the pub. He will be back soon and then will ask me to do the veg and help serve up.

He is being lazy. I am really not bothered. I don't like lie ins. Dh has lots of stuff on his mind. I actually feel quite full of energy today. If dh knew I was feeling really tired or low today he'd do more. He is fantastic at reading my mood and reacting to it (this is not always a good thing). Fundamentally I feel he is always on my side, and knows me like no other person in the world. This is what my love for him is based on.

I honestly don't know if my self esteem is low and I should be expecting more. If I read mumsnet threads, I start comparing mine for better and for worse and end up feeling quite confused.

I do think people come on here to vent about one day, one aspect, one problem in their relationship. That's the only thing I am sure of. So I have never wondered that deeply why people who post on here stay with their partners.

Tortington · 26/03/2006 21:23

my personal opinion and i am entitled to it - is that staying together becuase of the kids is utter tosh. you are doing yourself and your children a diservice by using that as an excuse. my husband is a great father and if i left with the children he would continue to be a great father to them.

i understand ( i may not condone) but i understand that some women may not want to leave for financial reasons or becuase they havwe a nice life otherwise.

i think the kids excuse is another way of saying that your not confident your husband or partner would play an active part in your childrens lives should you split - becuase they may get another life and what your really saying is that your children and indeed yourself will infact realise that their dad and your husband never vlaued the family unit as much as you probably thought he did. becuase he finds another partner, or he still works all the time and cant come over at weekend becuase he still has to play golf or something. it will be a stark realiseation that he was hardly there anyway. and never valued you in the first place.

i dont agree with the title of the thread and original question becuase there are somany reasons for staying in a shit marriage that only the couple involved can know,

however i am sometimes astounded at the amount of crap some women put up with and wonder why a firm foot isn't put down.

today i read something about a fella who went on the piss last night and has a hangover and the woman was up all through the night with the kids and was tired. someone told her to open the cutains nick the duvet and put the kids in the room with him. damned good advice imo.

some people like to be a martyr too - thats another factor. and whats with the sulking and expecting men to be psychic? honestly, your asking for trouble.

expatinscotland · 26/03/2006 21:27

'I think the term 'low self esteem' is really really really overused........ '

My MIL uses this to explain why my SIL's partner - age 40 - has never had a job other than dealing drugs in his life and uses hash night and day. Poor thing, he just has no confidence.

Caligula · 26/03/2006 21:27

I think a lot of threads are like someone else said though, a whinge where women want to vent and want someone to sympathise with them. And you don't want to do that in RL because you don't want other people to think you've got relationship problems. And actually, maybe you haven't - everyone has days where they're inconsiderate / selfish/ unfair to their partners, however much you go in for the ideal of mutual respect, support etc. So venting to virtual strangers who will tell you what a twat he is is the perfect solution.

tigermoth · 26/03/2006 21:29

very true, caligula

Original poster
beetroot · 26/03/2006 21:32

you might be right caligua. but you have to expect not only the 'there theres', but the 'GET a Grips'

I think i get far to involed for my own good and want everyone to be happy Grin

OP posts:
crunchie · 26/03/2006 21:38

Beety I know your question wasn't meant to sound smug, as sometimes I agree with you. I wonder why people who are seemly intelligent women stick with being treated like shit. And I am putting aside those who are in genuinely absuive realationships. The figures astound me when I read 25% of whatever of women are or have been in an abusive relationship. I look around at my friends in RL and think who????

I think lots of good reasons are here and I hope 2p'sowrth doesn't leave, as I know you didn't mean it personally.

No-one deserves to be treated badly, I wish more people could find it within themsleves to see that