Why do women marry, have children with and stay with men who are ..

[beetroot]

Lazy and dont repect them?

I have seen it on Mumnset so much over the years adn it still astounds me.

I think little tings that you don't notice much before you have kids and that would never become an issue turn in gigantic things after you have kids eg how disposable income is spent, how free time is spent, having lie-ins etc etc. Before kids many people have independent incomes so never notice what their partners spend their money on. Then suddenly you rely on one income or one and a half and you realise that your dp/dh isn't willing to give up beer and fags so your ds/dd can go to TumbleTots for example. You would never have known that pre-kids

I'm with Beety. People only treat you as badly as you let yourself be treated, frankly. And I can't imagine there are that many men out there who come home from the wedding and turn into big inept piles of shite.

(I also suspect the stereotypically female attitude of "do it exactly my way or don't do it at all" may be a factor here, too.)

(Oh, and I didn't get a lie in today. But I don't like lie ins, and nobody ever gets one in this house, unless they're ill.)

Also Lockets, sometimes people (ie me in the case of this morning) have a bit of a moan on Mumsnet about their husbands because it is what women have done since time immemorial, I imagine, moan amongst themselves, and it doesn't really mean anything.

agree expat.

my dh is the lucky one, as he is married to ME . Think it would be a bit much to expect breakfast in bed on top of that, really. (though I got the works this morning )

But seriously, we are a team. Before and after he comes home from work, he's on duty with me til the kids are in bed. That was how it was for me til I became a SAHM, thats how it'd be if he were at home and I worked.

Ultimately I'd go it alone if he were an ar$e. Bloody awful example to set my kids otherwise.

exactly DumbledoresGirl. It amazes me that this thread has come about just cos a couple of people were saying their dh's weren't helping out this morning!! If we all left our husbands/partners for that we'd all be single!!!

I wouldn't leave my DH for not helping. He's sometimes tired from working, so can't help.

But if I was going to bitch about him not helping, without a good reason, I'd bitch to him, so he'd get out of bed and help.

The implicaton of this thread seems to me to be that women who don't marry and stay with men who are lazy and don't respect them are better than women who do marry and stay with men who are lazy and don't respect them.

So I am not very suprised that the words smug and arrogant have been used about the thread initiator

I could also turn this argument on its head and ask why people (not necessarily women here, this equally applies to men) bale out of relationships at the first sign of trouble.

that should be "bail" shouldn't it?

NQC - it's the same as you venting on here about your MIL though, no one starts a thread saying why don't you have it out with her and stop moaning on Mumsnet!!

here here DG - we are o the same page tonight

Hmm, dooley, but is it? I mean, if I could leave my MIL, I would. It's not like I'm in a sane normal communicative relationship with her. (And confrontation doesn't really work with her. She cries. And nothing changes. From what I know, anyway.)

Certainly if I felt about my DH, the way I feel about his mum, well, he wouldn't be my DH.

(That being said, she's by no means a really bad MIL, she means well, etc etc. She just drives me mental.)

Beetroot, what's the alternative then?

It isn't bitching as I see it. It is just women getting together and having a bit of a moan about their partners. I would be prepared to bet that women have done that round the village well (or wherever) since women first got together with women.

And I don't do much behind my husband's back (not because I am afraid of him but because he is my best friend and we share everything). The minute my husband got up, I showed him what I had said about him here!

Oops! Women got together with men that should say!

oh if it only were that easy... 'unhappy with dh... pack up kids and go'.

I can't really complain about dh , except for the odd day/phase when he has his 'dark' moments which I had a struggle with not too long ago, but I've learned to live with it. I've got my moods so he can have his, well to a certain degree even.

He has most definitely changed over the years, mainly since we've had kids (both not planned, we alledgedly both were supposed to have problems conceiving). Part of the 'problem' ... sleep deprivation, lack of money, added responsibilties etc.

Also I do firmly believe there are 'blokes' out there who do change after the vows have been exchanged a la 'snare them first and then let them have it'. Not many probably but itonly takes a few rotten eggs to spoil the male image imho.

As for why stick with a man who neglects/abuses/disrespects... maybe it's fear of being alone and not knowing how to cope on your own, e.g. for when there's no family network to help you out (like in my case I have no family in this country!); fear of financial hardship, lack of self esteem... there are so many nuances to this, it can't simply be judged in black & white.

I personally would up and go if dh would turn violent and dare lay hand on either me or the kids. As they say... the most dangerous place in the world is between a mother and her child.

God this thread is horrible.

Soooo, easy to be smug when you have the 'perfect' marriage. Some of you are so sickly sweet about you perfect men that you make me want to vomit.

that's exactly what I thought GDG!!

Oh come on, how do you judge this? My Dh is fab and respects me hugely. Yet when he has his mood swings (depresision related) it damn well wouldn't seem so to an outsider, he has been known to swear at me in public and all sorts (not for a while tho thank goodness) but it's not him, he's great, and he can't help his illness.

I reckon it's the same for lots of women.

There's also the interpretation of respect- what I would take as too damned much, lots of women would be happy with. but frankly as long as they're happy, there is no issue.

What i would also say is that a few times I have run to Mum saying oh Dh is awful he does this and he says that when things are low, all marriages hit lows and these are very specific occasions. However, if you don't have anyone to run to and you post on here (which is fair enough we all need support) it becomes a permanent stand alone case doesn't it?

A few times when Dh was ill I posted on here and it was all 'leave him' but in fact my post was so coloured by emotion and anger that the wholeness of the value of our marriage was buried, iyswim?

Ha Beets its you is it?

Sometimes you dont really realise it till its too late. Also it can be hard getting someone who is difficult and resentful to change. THis can lead to big problems.

agree MrsBigD, it is not as easy as it seems

It might be a crap DH but you could lose:

• financial security
• a nice house
• a nice 'family' set up
• your in-laws/grandparents
• a secure pension
• chance of a career - without DH's support I would not be able to afford to work, and lots of people are better off on benefits, which means giving up the chance of working
• your children's mental health - and although we don't like to admit it, children are generally happier and more secure in a benign-but-crap-and-together parental situation

It isn't just pack-your-bags and off in the sports car for an adventure with Thelma. It generally means ruining lots of people's lives (including your children's).

what's so 'perfect' and 'smug' about respecting yourself and your partner? it's not always easy, but it's something that's worth working at, IMO.

my man doesn't do flowers and brekkie in bed and candlelight dinners and all that stuff.

what he does do is be a father to his kids and a partner in their home.

nothing smug or perfect about it at all.