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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Birthday....

249 replies

theendishere · 10/10/2012 07:26

I've been seeing someone for about 4 months. It's my birthday in a few weeks and a month or so ago he suggested going away to a nice hotel overnight near the date to celebrate it. Since he first mentioned it he's not said any more about it and he can't ne planning a surprise as i have to plan in advance and my son will be with me on the actual day, so he can't be planning it for then.
last night i mentioned by texr that my son would be away with his dad the weekend before my birthday plus another couple of days and it would be good to arranged to see eachother more (didn't mention bday at this point). His text in reply said he was going to watch his beloved team palying football on the saturday but would be good to do things the rest of the time (the sunday and monday morning are out as he'll have his kids then). So i appears that the hotel stay isn't happeneing! I'd really hoped i'd see him on the sat before my birthday, regardless of what we were doing. I send a text ust saying "footbal on my birthday weekend!!! I think i'll forgive you"x" he hasn't replied. Due to see him later but worried i shouldn't have sent the text or mentioned my birthday...

OP posts:
MushroomSoup · 27/10/2012 22:18

Don't text him!!

Doha · 27/10/2012 22:19

I'm here please put the mobile in a drawer and walk away.
You are starting to see things a bit clearer --he is not good for you

you CAN and WILL find someone better

theendishere · 27/10/2012 22:25

Thanks Doha & Mushroom :)
yes, seeing things a little clearer but not clear enough yet!!
Feeling a bit sad about the birthday trip away . He can't be the nice thoughful person id imagined to have mentioned that, then not follow it through

OP posts:
theendishere · 27/10/2012 22:28

Just got a text from him, saying he hadn't heard from me! Then saying he though i must be out on "one of my sat nights" no kiss at the end which is unusual for him. It seems it's ok for him not to want to see me, but not ok for me to go out without him...

OP posts:
Doha · 27/10/2012 22:29

DO NOT REPLY

theendishere · 27/10/2012 22:32

Really don't understand him. Why if he's not interested even bother texting me? Really just to keep me "there"?

OP posts:
Doha · 27/10/2012 22:38

He is keeping you onside, dangling just a wee bit of contact to keep you keen and grateful.
He doesn't see you as a forever partner--he sees you as someone useful tohave around when there is nothing else to do

Doha · 27/10/2012 22:39

he wants you available when he has nothing better to do

TicketToHull · 27/10/2012 22:39

Well what effect is it having on you? Keeping you unsure/anxious but grateful for any contact? If that's the case (and I may well be wrong!) that might be the motivation of his texting. After all, you're not casting him aside because of this are you - it sounds like you're searching for any reason to keep being interested and investing, even though he's behaving like a twat.

Doha · 27/10/2012 22:39

he wants you available when he has nothing better to do

TicketToHull · 27/10/2012 22:39

Cross posted with Doha

theendishere · 27/10/2012 22:43

Yep, have to say that's how it feels - him "keeping me onside"
As soon as i don't reply to him when he expects me to, he's back....

OP posts:
theendishere · 27/10/2012 22:45

Yes agree some of his behviour is pretty "twattish"

OP posts:
doctordwt · 27/10/2012 22:49

He IS interested - in using you.

He texts you and is nice to you so that he can get free sex.

He's nice to you because it gets him what he wants - his rocks off, or a bit of attention, whatever.

Would it help if you tried to look at it like this? Every time you text, that's one more bit if wasted time for you. Every week you stay with this miserable partner, that's another week you've stopped yourself from moving on mentally and getting ready to meet someone else, someone nicer, better, kinder, funnier, who would fall in love with you.

Do something POSITIVE and don't text.

theendishere · 27/10/2012 22:57

Thanks doctor :) I know you're right!
i've got lots of stuff planned with friends (not including him) over the next few weeks, so will try to focus on that, and hope things move on here so i can soon start looking forward to my new life.
Thank goodness for mumsnet!

OP posts:
Doha · 27/10/2012 23:07

Block him delete his number..

The end

theendishere · 28/10/2012 09:38

Can't bring myself to block/delete him just yet. But i seuspect this week (ie my birthday week) will help decide things - i have a strong suspicion that he won't have planned anything for the evening.

OP posts:
Doha · 28/10/2012 10:27

you are still hanging out for crumbs of his attention.
Surely you can see that he is throwing these crumbs to keep you on side.
You "will do" for him till something better turns up.

So what happens if he has arranged something for your birthday--will that negate all his twatish behaviour until the next time ?

RinderThrillerNight · 28/10/2012 10:33

I think you should be asking yourself why you are so desperate that you are still hanging on to this bloke doing something for your birthday. Why do you want to spend your birthday with somebody who quite clearly has such little regard for you?

Forget about him. Spend time on your own, recovering from your nasty breakup. Gah. I know you won't listen to me as just about everybody else has said the same to you on this thread.

Tell me, did you reply to his text last night?

HissyByName · 28/10/2012 10:42

you WANT to be a victim, do you?

Cos that's the way this is going. You do know that don't you.

WtF does he think gives him the right to question you about how you spend your time?

A normal persoin would not chase/panic, they would wait and see what you had to say about what you've been busy with and even then, only from the position of hoping you had a nice time. Cos afterall, you deserve to be happy.

His 'one of your Saturday nights' comment is DISGUSTING! It implies that you're up to no good, that you're either drunk or off shagging someone, so in a round about way he's accusing you of being loose, or low class.

No decent boyf would begrudge someone they care about having a night out.

This man is weak and insecure. He gives you FA, but remains entitled to judge you in the worst way possible.

Dump this twat now, or you'll find yourself trapped in an abusive relationship.

Single is better than this.

You are sounding like you are thriving off ther drama of all this. Dangerous territory.

End it now. This man is not a crutch, he's actually a crotch (did you see what I did there!? :) )

Read all your threads about this twat and tell the OP what you think she should do.

stuffitunderthebed · 28/10/2012 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

swallowedAfly · 28/10/2012 12:54

maybe she can't. maybe if she loves this drama and crap and this is the kind of relationship she enjoys then maybe this is the standard she gets to have.

sadly unless she wants to sort out her messed up priorities, do the work on herself that needs doing and grow some self respect and backbone this is exactly the kind of man and relationship she 'deserves'.

there's no knights in shining armour - we're grown ups whose lives depend on our choices. the op is making shit ones. so the outcome is predicable surely?

theendishere · 28/10/2012 13:36

def not enjoying the drama and how low down on his priority list i am. Think he is a "distraction" fromt he divorce.
I'm still trying not to contact him :)

OP posts:
stuffitunderthebed · 28/10/2012 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stuffitunderthebed · 28/10/2012 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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