Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationship: 12

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Oh Maggie, there is nothing wrong with you other than a desire to keep your kids safe, you are a lioness. It's like when NSDH took DS2 and wouldn't give him back - I should have called the police, but I was just so scared that it would escalate things if I did that, and I would have done almost anything just to walk out of that house safely with my baby. So I sat beside him and talked and even nodded when he talked bout us still working on things and let him hug me, because I saw it as my best route to get my son back. That's what you did today, be proud of yourself that you did that and kept DD safe and calm in the face of something awful.

What time is he due home? I have a suggestion, could you call 101, the police non-emergency number? Just say that you are scared of his reaction, he's been difficult in the past. You're not reporting anything (although, if you wanted to, you could), your just getting advice, but also then flagging the address should a call have to go through later. I hope that doesn't sound overly dramatic, I'm just worried about you. Hugs.

Thanks guys xx he is due home at 10.30pm, I feel sick waiting to hear the key in the door. I have told my DBro a little of what happened today and if I've not text him by midnight to say I'm ok he knows to come round/call the police etc. I think FW is going to play the victim game now as usual after a bout of PA. He always says I can make the situation change-he means to shag him ((puke)) never again.

What are you waiting for HIM to do Maggie? What do YOU want? He cannot expect you to really 'talk' after his disgusting behaviour. Sane people do not have conversations about insane behaviour, they see it for what it is. He's insane - so how can you possibly have a conversation about it.

We have all been there (especially starting with the whole 'house is a sh1thole' - oh blah blah blah, well f@@@ing clean it then you ars@@hole!!!! if you don't like it, or move out but stop f@@in banging on about it!!!) blame you, blame you, blame you, your fault, dah di dah, yeah right! of course. You are so mighty and magnificant and perfect despite scaring the sh1t out of your own babies and someone you are supposed to love. A joke.

Don't get down sweetie, get out! get even! or something other than being down as this is not anything you've done, you are just still prepared to wear the 'mantle' right now. He's wrong, don't talk, nothing to say, he's not listening, if you talk that means he won't have to , and what can he say thats of any relevance any more?

Get yourself a good comedy programme to watch and lift yourself out of his pit as that where he wants you to be, so that he doesn't have to be in it, but you climb out and leave him there.

Hugs and love to you. I'm sorry if words seem harsh. I think it makes us cross when we see such awful treatment of such caring people, and all been there far too many times too. xxxx

Do you think there's a chance he'll go on a bender after work again, as a punishment to you? I'm just worried he'll roll in drunk at 2.30am, and am worried how he'll be with you then.

Thanks Shriek you give good pep talks!

Pony to be honest for once I am hoping he does, very oddly there has never ever been any physical violence when he's had a drink. He has always been at his most dangerous when stone cold sober, its usually the other way around with men isn't it? Its really odd-like he has this ball of anger bubbling away inside of him. I sometimes thinks he drinks to stop feeling angry.

Thanks Hilde tomorrow shall me mostly spend packing my stuff to get to my mums on tuesday I think. I just hope he's not got a day off work. Well done on changing the locks you are an inspiration!

Any of you use Skype? If you ever feel in danger wouldn't it be possible to have a close friend/ally to be 'sitting' in skype that could be a witness in such circumstances, and call the police on behalf of you? Thinking out loud really. Or filming a scene and sending it to the MIL etc. Watching their grandchildren scared and crying of their monster of a father. What are we all protecting. Youtube should be flooded with them showing the world what horrendous treatments many inflict upon their 'loved' (joke) ones!

So glad that you have found something helpful in there, just want you to be feeling stronger, brighter and capable of anything you want to do, aren't you.

Relieved to hear alcohol might reduce threat! be safe and do it... go.. xxxx

hilde, so glad they're all back with you. And so that FW is discussing arrangements with the kids when nothing has yet been agreed. But just par for the course with him, I guess. Stick to your guns. He can puppy-dog all he likes.

Stay safe Maggie. xxx

Thanks everyone. 10.40pm and he's not here yet, am on bloody pins waiting. The sound of a key in a door is going to haunt me all my life! I've hidden my car/house keys and purse just in case-how bloody normal is that?!! Its an insane way to live.

Keep your mobile on you as well.

It is an insane way to live. But it can be different. Hold on to that thought. One day, soon, it will be different.

Hi all, just checking in after a week away. Sending good wishes for safety and peace tonight to Maggie.

Have skimmed through some of the posts from the last week... and wanted to say thanks to kimberlina for posting excerpts of your fw's email. It all seemed quite familiar to me, so that I was shocked when other people were shocked by what he'd said!

wobbly, I hope you're still here, just lurking. I believe you, too. I have noticed you on other boards because before I knew about EA, I recognised my NSDH in your own charming/charmless one. I believe you, but I know that the hardest thing to do is believe yourself.

Yes, as proved by this week. We had a week's family holiday and fw was almost uniformly negative when just with family and almost uniformly positive when with friends as well. I've been detaching almost too well (accused of looking at him coldly recently!) and observed quite a bit that I could see wasn't right. Including two occasions where I was not even able to use a public loo in peace without, on the first occasion, a rant before he'd give me some change to go in and, on the second occasion, calls from outside and rolled eyes when I came out about how long ds and I had taken! The man is crazy!! There were also long arguments with dd1 who (admittedly she is difficult) seems able to do nothing right with him much of the time, all because he cannot accept blame, far less say sorry, and resorts to insults and teasing instead. DD2, otoh, is becoming the golden girl, whose side is nearly always taken in arguments and who seems very keen to be on his good side and stay close to him (and who wouldn't, given the alternative).

So at times this week I have been surer than I've been before that I need to get out. It's all quite clear again as I write this down. But then as soon as normality returns (he just popped into the room to ask how my evening was going and take on board a suggestion of mine, isn't that nice?), I think: but it would be so hard to leave; maybe I'll just stick it out for a few more months/years.

Anyway, just a few more days and then he's off pretty much all the way till mid-December, so that should get us through Christmas... Lots of time for reading and re-reading the books that should be giving me clarity if only I could find a safe space to read them!

Oh maggie love, you poor thing. You are wonderful and strong, protecting your dcs like that, what else could you have done in the circs, you were great. We're like resistance fighters, we might go along with things to keep things safe for kids but underneath we are in rebellion and plotting our freedom. I have been in the same situation and I also went along with things to keep us safe, but each day is bringing me nearer to freedom and it is the case for you too. Keep hope. Also, imagine if a random man off the street threatened and hurt you, you would have trauma counselling, etc etc - it is bloody scary what you went through and are going through and you are not a kung fu champion, so you have to find other ways to protect yourself and your LOs. Bless you I feel so bad for you waiting that bloody key in the door. Please let us know you're ok. xxxxxxx hugs and support.

Pony thank you for the thoughts I am going to make offer on flat tomorrow. I am seeing bank on Tues to try and get a personal loan. My mum knows all and is going to take flat in her name because not sure if I would pass credit check!! Bless her, thank God for family, eh.

Hugs and strength to all. xxx

Feeling bit miserbale about leaving family home tho and hoping I can get back into it soon!

Hi Charlotte, is your OH away then till mid Dec - how lovely if so, it'll give you some time to see woods for trees and heal a bit maybe empowering for you? I bloody wish my FW would go away or even out sometimes, but he's like limescale, can't shift him.....

Maggie how's you? Keep posting so we know you're safe.

So, he came home....sober ..pacing the floor, shouting etc that I have taken all his money-wtf? He never gives me any to take, he just has nothing else to shout at me about. DD said today innocently at the visit that we were going to see grandma (my mum) soon. She knew we were going before christmas, was just vvv bad timing she told everyone after what happened this avo. My punishment...the dishcloth rammed hard into my face I have somehow managed to get out of the situation and am now upstairs in the bedroom with door closed tight and safe. He has stayed downstairs. He thinks by us going to my mums is us leaving home, he said he doesn't want to miss us leaving as he wants to be here to literally kick me out of the door. Nice. He seems almost surprised that I do want us to spilt. That's what I get I suppose for putting up with this shit for 13 years and now he's not liking that I'm standing up to him. Also he said its all my fault as he has really been trying for the last few weeks-wtf!! He is deranged. If coming home at 5am to your poorly daughter is trying than god knows what would happen if he wasn't. I don't know where he has put all the phone chargers so going to turn my phone off for a bit to save battery incase round two of him kicking off is looming and I need help. Plan for tomorrow-pack all I can possibly fit in car and get ready to go to my mums asap. I feel like my head is going to burst

maggie support and strength to you. Pack and leave but do it very carefully and secretively - leaving is the moment they can kick off. Call 999 if you need to. You are fully entitled to protection from this awful violence. Could you db come round and collect you and dcs now? Take care.

Oh maggie I am so worried for you. Keep posting. I will be up bf in the night will check you.
My situation seems so mildly comparison but I can see how things can escalate.
Tonight goes like this...
Me telling him to pick baby and me up from church what six fifteen as I'm going to band prac at seven. He drops ds1 at mums then I call at six fifteen and...he's in the loo! Twenty mins late he turns up. Already this week I missed my baby movie and late for friends bcos he's so tardy. But he wants me home early so he can go see bond film! Anyhow he picks me up I'm so angry I just say nothing and he prattles away. No apology. Then he gives me the silent treatment until I end apologising for being moody.
He was of course on time for his film.
I am always wrong.
I am going to set the alarm early so it wakes him up as ds1 always late for nursery.
I just don't get why he can't admit he's wrong ever! And why I always give in and admit blame to avoid the extended sulk.
My back is dreadful. I'm sick from painkillers. And chest rubbish too. No energy to stand up for myself.
Oh andmy dh is a Kung fu expert so here's hoping it never gets physical. Even just pushing match we had in kitchen too much.
Shite he's back later!

Hi everyone....as you can tell by the hour it is I've not slept a wink he came up to the bedroom after I sent my last post with his bed shorts off ((puke)) saying he was getting into bed for "cuddles" I got up and started to go downstairs and he did the same storming past me saying to "watch my back" charming.

Had a long e-mail chat with DBro, he knows if I don't contact him everyday then Im not safe so I feel good having his sort of security. I know I am going to have to play the long game here whilst keeping DC away from him as much as possible. I was going to try and get my stuff down to my mums bit by bit but this will be too obvious i think and he will kick off. Tonight was a taster of how he will react when we do go so is too dangerous to just leave quickly. Need to be clever and get my poker face back on. Has anyone had experience of using self storage places? I know they can be quite expensive but think I may need to bung it on my credit card and then I can get all mine and DCs treasured bits out safely and secretly day by day. Then when the time comes, we can just leave and never have to return. I worked so hard to make our home nice and practically paid for everything in this house so Ill be dammed if Im going to leave him to have our nice house for him and his friends to party in whilst me and the kids walk away with absolutely nothing. I know he will damage all my stuff after we go and also make it as hard as possible for me to get back into the house to get stuff - especially DCs bits they love as he knows that will hurt me the most. I have found a storage place locally but in a place I don't think he goes near, so will take me a ten minute drive there and back and then after we have gone I can just get a van to collect our stuff from there to our new home, just waiting for them to email me a quote when they wake up! DBro said he will come over one day when FW at work and help me get all my bits out of the loft and shed etc. Could furnish a new home with all the lovely bits I have stashed! Bits Ive never been allowed to put up.

Had planned on going to my mums this week anyway so will suggest to him tomorrow I will go with kids to have a epic detaching session cooling off period and then be back at the weekend/next week. (I was really going to look at primary schools and nurseries for DD and DS) That will bring me into mid-november and then end of november/early december he starts getting really busy at work for xmas dos so will hopefully not be around much. Then after xmas BOOM bye bye bully FW. My god sounds so simple and straightforward - if only hey.....

Thank you so much for your continued support, I wouldn't even be this focused if it wasn't for this thread - as the last 13 years have shown I have just been pushing it aside pretending its not happening. Sick of feeling so unhappy and run down now though, am just so tired of it all - has been making me ill for years and can't do it anymore Hugs to you all, you wonderful wonderful lovely ladies!! xx

ps - Ginga so sorry you are still not feeling better, breastfeeding can take it out of you too, I got really run down when bf DD - all you need on top of it all is a selfish FW, I recall the first 4 months of both DD and DS being full of FW tantrums - shouldn't that be the happiest time sharing the joy of a new baby, only in normal families it would appear not ones like all of ours with FWs in lead staring roles!! ((hugs))

Oh maggie,

I know you want to get your stuff out but if he starts getting really nasty just get yourselves out and have love,y Xmas at your parents house instead?
X

Please just go, today if you can Maggie. I've said before that I think he is really dangerous, and I still think this. You've more or less told him you're thinking of leaving. Your DD has mentioned about you going to your mum's. I think he's on the edge of ramping things up seriously. hilde thinks so too, and she has experience of DV.

I think if you suggest you leave to him, even if just for a cooling off period, things could get difficult and you'll end up staying because you're too scared to do anything else. Remember, you are not asking his permission to go, you are telling him. If you suggest anything, it'll get turned around. Be strong. If you just packed up and went today, it wouldn't be out of the blue to him after last night, and you eliminate having to have any discussion with him.

Why not phone Women's Aid or the police non-emergency number and just chat about stuff? I'm worried that you are so used to normalising and minimising that you are missing the genuine danger you are in. I looked back on my posts about you moving 200 miles away, and realised that you are fleeing DV, so there is no way there is an issue with you going.

And happy anniversary hilde - you are doing so well, you are an inspiration. I've got my six-month anniversary very soon, and just after that DS2 turns one.

thanks pony. he wants us to sign a 'parental responsibilty agreement' and his line is im going nuts and he will eventually get dd living with him. ?!? crazy guy.always reflecting it back onto me he just cant see himself at all!! im going for residency order . yes im keeping all his ranting crazy emails and am gng to push for him to have a mental health assesment if i can as a condition of contact plus , no drinking.going to block landlines and mobiles so he can only email in future.