My husband has been having an affair and is leaving me

[DaydreamDolly]

I can't believe I'm writing this. 2 DD's youngest 6 months. Been going on 2 yrs on and off. He loves her. I'm devastated. What am I going to do? He told me at 10pm so I haven't told anyone in RL yet.

I'll always want to be friends and despite the fact that I may have made the biggest mistake I'm ever likely to make in my life, I know you'd never be able to forgive me and I can't ask you to. I've fucked up and I know it! Xxx

Blimey. That's almost word for word the text I got from STBEx-H not long after he left. He's been gone now for over 3 months and has only just admitted (yesterday) that he's seeing someone else. Errrr... no shit Sherlock!

Chin up Dolly - you are marvellous, dignified and splendid.

Ignore his self pitying texts, he is trying to put it back on you "YOU" will never be able to forgive me etc. This is yet another trick that they do. My STBXH did it to me. "You said you would never trust me again anyway" Yes I said that after he said he didnt love me and would never come back.......... But he turned it around as if it was all my decision to end it .

You are doing so well. I wish I had had the strength to disengage a lot earlier than I did. I was desperate and in shock and in a bad way and just piled more grief on myself by inviting him to trample all over me.......

Stay strong. You are doing so well xx

OMFG Dolly, his texts are actually riling me on your behalf

What a selfish fucking arsehole he is.
HE made his bed and now must lie in it, how dare he attempt to make you feel any sympathy towards him.

Keep your head held high and stay strong x

I had the same sort of message too
Would I ever forgive him...will regret it for the rest of his life....blah blah.

He wasn't feeling that way when he was lapping up the excitement of the affair, no but he is now his little bubble has burst.

Ah yes Skye, that was another gem...."you would always bring it (the affair) up in an argument"

Lou's husband said the exact same thing, didn't he? "I know you would never take me back" - so passive-aggressive, making it all your fault for not taking him back when he hasn't ever asked you to consider it. Totally plays on the fact the person left behind is desperate because the leaving came out of nowhere and they're in shock. Highly manipulative.

My ExH said it too.
I've only become aware of "The Script" since reading painful threads on here. I am astonished at the predictability of them all. It's almost word for word.

Trib yes that was my first thought too, that Lou's Chunt said exactly the same thing to her. Cleared the house of all his belongings, then said I know you could never forgive me. (didnt actually ask her to.........).

Dolly I have lurked and read but had no advice more than you have been given. We have DD's pretty much the same age and if DH ever did this to me I would like to think I could be as strong as you are being right now yet I couldn't - I know it.

You are going to be such a role model to your girls by being strong like you are, I am really rooting for you and just know whilst it may be crap for a while eventually you will look back and realise how much happier life is without him.

Good luck x

I never replied to those texts. He wrote them because I had texted to say I only want to talk to you about the children and/or finances. I haven't heard anything today but 6.30pm is looming and my stomach is in knots.

Stay strong. You CAN do it!!!

Poor Dolly you are bound to feel anxious, that's perfectly normal.

You're a tower of strength, you'll manage - and manage it well.

He's pathetic. You, however, are amazing. Damn straight, he's made a big mistake, the sodding loser.

Dolly Firstly I am so sorry to read about what you've been going through. Being left by someone you trust and love is horrendous.

You've had amazing advice on this thread. I went through something very similar 7 years ago and wish I'd posted on MN at the time. Perhaps if I had I wouldn't have taken the scenic route back to recovery....! I went via denial, delusional hope, regret, begging him to come back, sort of getting him back for him to leave again, bitterness, depression and so on. I would have done anything to patch my little family back together and protect my DS.

The advice you've been given is spot on and I hope minimises some of the pain for you. I don't have anything to add except to say I thought I'd never cope / survive or be happy again. I was left with a 4 month old baby and found out my ExP had essentially been with someone else for 2 years too. I felt incredibly vulnerable because I felt like I'd been living with, and had a baby with, a stranger.

Like you I also got texts which were very "pity me" - what I learnt the hard way is that he just could not be trusted. His promises, his guilt, his love - nothing could be relied upon.

Anyway - I came on board to let you know that the pain does pass - and that you and your DCs will be fine. Though you may not feel like it yet you are in a much better situation than you were 6 months ago when you thought he was reliable and your DH. You're already stronger than you realise and this chaos will die down and you'll feel in control of you life again.

Hold your head up high, keep doing the right thing, remain dignified and surround yourself with friends / family who love you and you can trust.

If I could go back and say anything to myself 7 years ago it would be "he's not worth your tears or your pain - and there's much out there for you...." ! No one has the right to lie and deceive someone and you're worth much more than that.

FWIW I wound never want to go through the same thing again - however I'm able now to be grateful for what it taught me about relationships, lying, love, friendship, family, being a mum, money, work - the list goes on. It was a crash course in all that's important.

Good luck. You have nothing to be nervous about- you're doing amazingly.

Right. The 6.30pm appointment. OK, so what's your plan, Dolly? I wouldn't recommend that you are alone when he turns up, or you'll get more of the sad, spaniel eyes and the 'how are you sweetheart?' shit. And although you are definitely strong enough to deal with this I don't see why you should have to. Where ever you are going can you have the person you are meeting at your house by 6.15 say? (So if you are going to Mum and Dad's have Dad round with you, so that as soon as the wimp turns up you and Dad can leave him with girls). Presumably he won't want to start an emotional conversation with Dad there. If it were at all possible I would phone all my friends and find one who has a hunky younger/older brother or friend that your DH has NEVER MET and beg, borrow or steal him to just be round at your house so that you can say casually to ex, 'Right, we'll be off then'......and then get said brother/friend just to walk you round corner to your Mum and Dads. It would leave your ex absolutely gutted and drive him mad wondering who the hell this bloke is and how long you've known him......

Any comments along the lines of 'I hope we'll be friends' (which my ex also said, Arseholes United Script 101), should be met with a brisk, 'I'm afraid my friends don't treat me like that', IMO.

Good luck - you're doing fabulously. . Loads of support here for you.

I know you'd never be able to forgive me and I can't ask you to What a hoary old chestnutclassic line!!!

Read: Here's a trite one liner I found that makes me look noble and is designed to make you believe that I give a damn about you am too sensitive to your feelings to beg you to forgive me so the onus is on you to tell me I'm forgiven and I'll be back like a shot... if it doesn't work out with Ms ER and I'll stay as long as it takes me to light upon her successor.

This is how you want it to go this evening, honey:

Have your coat on ready to leave as soon as he arrives. Keep conversation to the minimum i.e dc have/haven't had tea, I'll leave you to get on with it, see you in a few hours... and off you go making sure you have a spray bottle of perfume in your bag.

On your return ring the doorbell and say you seem to have mislaid your keys. Keeping coat on, make a small production of looking for keys down side of sofa, in kitchen etc while engaging in small talk with him - i.e how are/dc etc.

After a few minutes of pantomime ask to 'borrow' his keys in case you can't find yours by the morning.

After he hands over keys say 'a friend's arriving soon, I won't detain you, I'll be in touch re contact soon' while removing coat and making towards front door holding perfume spray.
Open front door and stand beside it plumping up newly done hair and generally primping (helps if you have hall mirror) in readiness for your guest's arrival. As he exits, spray perfume behind your ears/on wrists thus accidentally* spraying him too so that he returns to ow smelling of you.

Needless to say, he won't be getting his keys back because he has no need of them.

*Credit is due to Blatherskite for this stroke of genius which came about on another OP's thread.

Chin up, shoulders back, Dolly. Channel complete indifference to him... you can do it and we'll all be 'with' you.

LOL - cross posted with izzy there! Sounds like we have similar ideas for pissing him off and having him wondering how much fun YOU might be having without him.

He only left Monday and it's unlikely he'd swallow it especially as Dolly's only going to be gone for a couple of hours and it'll be obvious what she's been up to when she returns with her new hair-do, swo.

After a few weeks of making it clear in deeds as well as words that she's lost all feeling for him, it'll be time for Dolly to drop a few hints to the effect that she's getting out and about and has made some new male friends.

By that time the novelty of shacking up with Ms ER will have well and truly worn off for him.

I've got a feeling that once Dolly gets back 'out there' with her girlfriends, she won't need to borrow or rent a hunk

God those texts are dreadful, what an idiot.

Good luck Dolly.

Good luck Dolly!

Am going through exactly the same thing at the moment, after begging him to come back from the other woman, blaming myself for him "needing" to cheat and generally coming across as some sort of desperado I've realised I'm better off without this man-child I called a husband.

Your husband's texts are a pathetic attempt to make you feel sorry for him (my husband did the old "I'm a mess, I need help" routine). Don't fall for it! I did before I came to my senses and realised he's just trying to excuse very poor behaviour.

We deserve better!!!

Oh Dolly Im so sorry youre going through this. What an absolute shitbag he is. The advice on here has been excellent and I just wanted to say keep your chin up, you can and will get through this

Good luck Dolly

He's here. Turned up early and is trying to make conversation with me in front of the DCs. I am now upstairs settling the baby and will leave as soon as she is down. His wedding ring is off.

His wedding ring is off He doesn't fucking deserve to be wearing it Dolly, don't you forget that.

As hard as it probably is at the moment with him there, maintain your dignity. I hope he fucks the fuck off asap tonight. xx

Good plan, Dolly. You're doing brilliantly.