Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has been having an affair and is leaving me

828 replies

DaydreamDolly · 08/10/2012 02:19

I can't believe I'm writing this. 2 DD's youngest 6 months. Been going on 2 yrs on and off. He loves her. I'm devastated. What am I going to do? He told me at 10pm so I haven't told anyone in RL yet.

OP posts:
ToothbrushThief · 10/10/2012 06:57

Dolly you really are handling this well. Won't feel like it to you I'm sure but you are. Hold your nerve, keep venting here and getting support and you will have a future where you accept this event as a very sad part of your life but 'only a passing event'

You will have lonely very sad moments and often nighttime and evenings. Can't lie, it will take awhile to feel completely over this. But that process is a slow climb up with little dips. Each dip feels horrible but when you come out, you've moved on a bit more. It will all get easier. It is so so sad that you're in this position due to a weak partner but shed him and you'll fly higher without him.

I love your positive empowered aim. Don't feel bad if you can't muster it all the time though. Keep going and seeing what he has done. Don't succumb to any sob story or little gestures designed to make him feel good about himself

Have a good positive day. Plan naughty treats or activities with the Dc. We love doing our own thing now, whether that is lying in bed, choosing food or clothes or decoration that he frowned upon. We go puddle jumping, getting filthy with no negative remarks. There are so many good things

Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 10/10/2012 07:59

Thank you. I can't believe he hasn't called to speak to DD1. Sad

OP posts:
Donkeysdontridebicycles · 10/10/2012 08:27

Unfortunately that shows his priorities. As long as he's happy Hmm still if you play nicely you'll get a hug later, eh?

Try to stay calm, focus on your girld and good luck with that solicitor's appointment later.

Donkeysdontridebicycles · 10/10/2012 08:28

^^ That should read girls, sorry.

Minstrelsaremarvellous · 10/10/2012 09:09

Not uncommon I'm afraid. Mine disappeared for almost 3mths and saw DD a grand total of 3 times during this time. He will talk the talk about being a good dad too. I'm sorry, but anyone who had an affair with children involved is not a good parent. Selfish selfish selfish.
Be prepared for lots of disappointment in your STBEXH, he is not the man you once knew.

Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 10/10/2012 09:10

My sister has looked into income support and child tax credits and is coming over tomorrow night to help me fill in all the forms I need. That will focus my mind then ill go to the solicitor after that. I got these texts last night whilst he was with her (will copy and paste but on my phone so will have to do new posts)

OP posts:
Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 10/10/2012 09:11

I love you and miss you and have to live with my mistakes.

OP posts:
Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 10/10/2012 09:11

I'll always want to be friends and despite the fact that I may have made the biggest mistake I'm ever likely to make in my life, I know you'd never be able to forgive me and I can't ask you to. I've fucked up and I know it! Xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 10/10/2012 09:11

I'm sorry for you and sad for me. Xxx

OP posts:
maleview70 · 10/10/2012 09:21

What a dickhead. Self Pity Alert.

He is just hedging his bets in case it goes tits up with her. Expect more of the same in the coming weeks/ months.

There will almost certainly be a face to face "What have i done moment and I miss you so much" when he realises that his new relationship is no different to the one he had with you exept without his daughters.

This is where you need to be strong as its so easy to fall into the " Im lonely and I miss him" etc trap that so many fall into.

When this happens, just picture the two of them together and that is usually enough to get past it.

You dont need to be his friend. What you do need is for him to be a reliable father and someone who takes his financial responsibility seriously.

Whatever you do dont get involved in text messaging back and to as it is pandering to his ego.

Sassybeast · 10/10/2012 09:26

What a self indulgent prat. Agree that he's hedging his bets.
I would be tempted to ignore his outpourings, then in a few hours text him and ask him to have the kids this weekend as you have plans Wink

AnEerieAirOfHorror · 10/10/2012 09:34

He is trying to keep you sweet in case he changes his mind and wants to come back after he has had his fun. He will say what he thinks you want to hear.

He thinks if he is nice and reminds you of what you had you will welcome him back with open arms. That you will now become the other women and he can have his cake and eat it or he can still fuck both of you.

My advice ask him not to contact you unless its related to the children. When he brakes that (and he willas its about him not you) ask him to go thru solisater only. Set up contact pick up and drop off from your home with someone else to do it so he does mot see you.

Could you get a new phone or sim card so he is the only one that uses the old phone and get someone else to read them before you?

You need to distance yourself from them. Block them on fb and get caller id on your landline.

Get that appointment sorted and are you renting or is there a mortage? Can you contact csa to get mainance sorted out as soon as poss?

You need to look after yourself and your children. The only thing this man now has a right to is to see his children and thats it.

Btw what a twat sorry its turned out like this but your family and friends sound great.

MadAboutHotChoc · 10/10/2012 09:41

What a head fuck.

You need to DETACH from this self serving whiny pathetic man.

What he is doing is trying to make himself look like the good guy.

IGNORE his texts and other communications if these do not relate to child access.

thetrackisback · 10/10/2012 09:51

I would challenge the I feel sorry for you text. All you need to say is something on the lines of : there is really no need to feel sorry for me. I am very upset by your behaviour but I will and already am moving forward and making plans. You might want toput your energy into making sure you do the right things for your children.

thetrackisback · 10/10/2012 09:52

Keep on as you are doing. You sound very dignified!! Good luck! Xx

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 10/10/2012 10:05

This man WILL come back with his -cock- tail between his legs, I guarantee it

Be ready for that

Fairylea · 10/10/2012 10:06

It wouldn't achieve anything but I'd be so tempted to get someone to take screen shots of the texts and send them to ow through fb or whatever with no other message. I'm sure she'd be delighted to know he's still telling you he loves you and has made the biggest mistake of his life.

As I said.... not a good idea really but so tempting.

hzgreen · 10/10/2012 10:10

i have been watching this thread but haven't had anything to say so far as others have given so much better advice than i could but i really feel that i want to comment about the texts. please consider retaining a dignified silence, i believe he is manipulating you and trying to get a response. from what you have said about this man he thrives on attention and i think he is still trying to get that attention from you despite having left you, therefore i think he is playing both of you.

i agree with madabout only communicate about the children he has no right to have access to your feelings and emotions and certainly has no right to ask you to feel sorry for him or stroke his ego which i believe he is doing with these texts.

i think you are doing amazingly well under the circumstances, you have been very mature and dignified even though this is so hard for you, by remaining distant you will be protecting yourself from further manipulation and letting him know that actually he's not that importnant to you (regardless of how you really feel about him!) xxx

FellatioNelson · 10/10/2012 10:20

I think that too Happy

olgaga · 10/10/2012 10:41

hzgreen good advice. Ignore the texts, unless in relation to the children. Note that when he makes assumptions about how you are feeling, he also assumes he has the ability to control those feelings - to "make things better".

But that's no longer the case.

It's far more effective - and humiliating to him - to restrict your communications to practical and child-related matters.

Making your feelings off-limits to him makes it clear that they are yours to control, not his.

SwedishKaz · 10/10/2012 11:22

Dolly, you are amazing. You cope so well, and you are so lucky to have your DC and your friends & family.
Well done you!
You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

Stay strong.

BornToFolk · 10/10/2012 11:23

ugh, what a tool! Remember, this situation is entirely of his making. He chose, over and over, to have a relationship with another person. It didn't happen by accident.
If he's miserable, it's because of his own actions. Tosser.

ExP emailed me at work the day after he left asking how DS was and how I was. I replied saying DS was fine, I was not and he was not to email me at work again. He hasn't since. It's important to develop boundaries early on.

Shirsten · 10/10/2012 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Agnesinroom25 · 10/10/2012 11:55

You sound so strong Dolly. I wish I had been as strong as you.
I would bet a weeks wages that he wil try to come back.
They're all so boring these men with their sordid little affairs as soon as it comes out and isn't exciting anymore they shit their pants.
All follow the same script and they are all so bloody boring and whiny when the wife grows a pair instead of siting at home in her pjs crying like he expected her too.
Good luck Dolly, I think you are going to be just fine x.

Agnesinroom25 · 10/10/2012 11:57

Should be shocked and whiny. Rather than boring.