My husband has been having an affair and is leaving me

[DaydreamDolly]

I can't believe I'm writing this. 2 DD's youngest 6 months. Been going on 2 yrs on and off. He loves her. I'm devastated. What am I going to do? He told me at 10pm so I haven't told anyone in RL yet.

A hug !??? Wtf !!!

He is an arsehole.

I think he's actually seeing you as some sisterly woman he's inconvenienced rather than a wonder woman he's walked out on. Wanker.

You don't need him and he needs to realise that and see you are coping without him.

Trust me you will come out of this much better than him.

Watch "he's just not that into you". The woman who's husband leaves and she then rebuilds her life.... that's you.

What a fucking wankbadger cunt!

Tell him to stick his hug, you don't know where's he's been!

Incidentally, have you considered having an STI check? Sorry to mention it...

You are doing fab, really fab. I admire your strength,x

You're welcome! It's the one time I did something wrong but I think exP was waiting for a slip up so he could go back on his promise to "take care of us" and "not let DS go without" etc etc. And even if he hadn't reacted in the way he did, it wasn't worth it as it didn't make me feel better at all. I regretted it as soon as I pressed send. So don't make the mistakes I did!

That's good that you'll be going out when he comes round. Keep away from him and his offers of hugs

It is totally shit that so many of us have been through similar experiences but the sad truth is that men who do things like this are pathetically unimaginative so our experiences are REALLY similar and we're able to help each other through them.

Sorry you are feeling lonely tonight. exP was living with his parents for ages after he moved out and I could comfort myself with the fact that he was back in his childhood room, in a single bed and probably being driven mad by his elderly parents. Now he's moved in with OW (and her kids) and it kills me that he's chosen another family over DS and me. It makes me much lonelier to think that he's happy and I'm not. God, that sounds pathetic and worse than it actually is! I am lonely sometimes but I have my lovely DS with me most of the time (exP has him overnight once a fortnight). I get all the morning cuddles, the chats over dinner, silly games, meeting his schoolfriends, all the day to day normality of being a mum to a brilliant little boy and that does make everything easier to bear.

A fucking HUG??!!!
Tosspotting wanker.

Oh dear, how awful.

Hope you can arrange for a member of your family to be there while he comes to "see the girls" and "give you a hug" - while you go out.

tell him to keep his fucking filthy hands off you

the last person to give you comfort is him

he is fucking deluded, what a self-centred arsehole he is

you will look back on this as a lucky escape, believe me, although it doesn't feel like that now

you need to very quickly make sure he "sees the girls" away from your house

it is now your domain, and I would feel sullied by his presence there if I were you

I did contact the OW five months after I had found out about the affair. She came across as a weak pathetic creature who had used my husband as an exit affair from her own relationship. She said the bubble had burst when their affair was exposed.
The reasons she said my husband had given her as to why our marriage was over, helped me draw a line under the whole sordid business. He was not the person I loved, that person was lost,dead and gone forever. I hold him in contempt.
That doesn't stop the hurt or the tears but it does get better.
The support I received on here and from family and friends was amazing. To know that I was not alone was so comforting.
Oh and after stopping drinking 15 years ago because he was an alcoholic, he has now started again. She must be thrilled with her catch.

Ugh. I second everything that Happy Halloween said.

That would rank as one of the most patronising insincere hugs ever.

We know your pain. It's sad we've been through it. A couple of tips that worked for me....
I put little post it notes around my house saying things like "be patient, the pain will fade", "I will be fine" I also stuck pictures of my DD everywhere (beside the bed for when I didn't sleep/woke in the night). I know these kinds of things aren't for everyone but they helped me enormously. I put them near the kettle, on the fridge, places I went to frequently.
I also wrote stuff down in a diary of sorts (I'm not a diary keeper at all!). It was amazingly cathartic when I threw it away months down the line. I knew I'd cleared a major hurdle when I felt ready to bin it. It was like letting go of my painful feelings. I smile thinking about it!
I put makeup on as soon as I could. I made myself look as good as possible even if I was melting inside - I faked it for awhile and then I realised I wasn't faking it anymore. I felt better!
I also went to my GP and he was brilliant and supportive.
I HATE asking for help, but during my wanky time, I got over myself and asked for help whenever possible.
You will learn that you are a fabulous, resilient, cool and amazing woman. It's a crappy way to find out, but know this to be true. You will get through this.
One step at a time.

Is there anything he hated you doing ?... do it.

For me I painted our bedroom purple and brought all new bed linen to get rid of the bastard on my sheets. It felt good.

He also used to moan about cooking fish as he hated the smell so much it made him sick so whenever he came round afterwards to collect stuff I used to make sure I was making a nice fish supper....

I second the photos thing. I put a massive collage of photos of dd next to my bed so she was the first thing I saw when I woke up. It helps x

You are doing so well Dolly - I was in your position 5 years ago and really wish I'd have had some of the advice you've had here. I wrote a letter to OW telling her of the damage she had caused and pouring my heart out to the woman who stole my family - do you know what her response was? "How does she know my address?" Not one single acknowledgement of any wrong doing or regret. Keep your dignity OP, you will be so proud of yourself if you do.

Don't be fooled by his sudden niceness - it's all an act for your sympathy. He'll probably be going back to OW telling her how devastated you are and that you can't cope without him. My exH even begged me to say that he couldn't see DS so that he could tell OW that he couldn't leave - I could have got him to stay just by saying those words. I absolutely would never say those words and he walked out of the door into the arms of his OW - I will never regret this decision.

Keep cuddling your girls - you are a fantastic Mum, and you will always be.

I agree with the new bedding - I redecorated the whole house, got rid of all of his furniture and bought all new - eBay bargains mostly - new curtains, new photos on walls, cushions, etc all traces of him gone. Our home now has lots of pink in it and is beautiful, I even threw away his favourite mug. And every time you get rid of something belonging to him you are reclaiming your home as yours and saying goodbye to another part of him. Sounds a bit daft but was very cathartic.

(((Hugs)))

try and be out tomorrow night. Can your Dad come and wait with DD until he gets there?

I decorated DD's bedroom in bright loud wallpaper. He hated that sort of thing. DD loves it. I redecorated my bedroom. I also stopped him entering the house and made it clear it wasn't welcome. A few issues over this but I held firm and it really is the best thing for me (you) to feel in control and not like an open house for him when he fancies.

You could also tell him you may need privacy to start a new relationship yourself - boundaries need to be drawn don't they...

If he doesn't like it perhaps you can deliver the DC to him and enter the property he is living at. Make him consider it from your position

A hug??????????? A hug. Arrogant twat. He regards you as his property... he thinks you'll be so desperate for his leftovers that he can come and enjoy feeling benevolent and bountiful by hugging you???

All great ideas re new bedding and furnishings. We just had the whole house redecorated a few months ago but I chose it all without any input from him. I guess he let me do it (is usually a massive control freak but literally didn't want any say in paint colours which was so strange and out of character) because he knew he wouldn't be living here.
Lots of things are adding up, as they do.
Going to make that solicitors apt tomorrow.
Looked at my beautiful babies sleeping and I know we will have a happy life. They are all I need and I will be everything they need.

Silence is your weapon so use it, he'll feed off anything you give him so take a step back and keep on being fantastic you're doing so well. It does get better. I found it useful to write a list of goals which I stuck on my wall to motivate and focus me- short, mid and long term. It doesn't matter how many as you can add them as they come to you!

I second doing up the bedroom with some fresh bedding and put your stamp well and truly on it.

Very proud of you!

Doing really well, Dolly! We're all cheering for you. I would think about changing the bedding, if nothing else, to have a fresh start on clean sheets that that prick has never slept in. DO make the solicitors appt. You need to file for divorce asap so that the asshole can wake up to exactly what he has thrown away, and you can move on with your life. You know yourself that your relationship can never be salvaged now, so there is no point in clinging to any of it. Cut all ties - and by taking charge of this you are not the little woman he has left who would be grateful for a hug from him (patronising twat). You are a strong, confident, independent woman who has made the decision that HE is not good enough for you and you no longer want HIM. You and your beautiful babies will have a happy life, believe me.

Up with DD2. I hate being awake in the middle of the night it's a lonely time.
I'm going back to being empowered tomorrow, no more wallowing. Positive action day tomorrow.

I really and truly despise him.

"Be there to give you a hug" .... "miss you already"...

Just who the actual fuck does he think he is?

You are doing well. Keep your head up and tell him to take his hug with him to the far side of fuck.

And I actually second the posters who said he should have the children often (except the baby of course) though obviously not if it would be distressing for them.

I think it's utter bullshit that dads get to just waltz out of everyone's lives and carry on with someone else while popping in every few weeks to say hello to their children or take them on a fun outing. That's not parenting. Parenting is the poo explosions at 2 a.m.!

There's nothing wrong with having a good wallow now and again, Dolly. By providing a vent for deep emotions the occasional, or regular for that matter, wallow enables us to move on with a little less baggage each time we indulge ourselves.

If you feel in need of a wholesome despairing weep of the 'woe is me' variety, book a slot when no-one else is around, set a time limit of say half an hour, and go for it

I'm up with my little one.. just wanted to add it's ok to be upset.

Don't feel you have to be superwoman. It's normal and natural to grieve and cry and feel down.

I remember reading dd then aged 6 a bedtime story and feeling so sad about everything it felt like my heart was breaking with every word. But you keep going for the children and slowly and surely things aren't so painful anymore.

Checking in for the early hours slot.
I asked my ExH to return the house keys to me when he left. He was reluctant of course but when I explained that he had chosen to not live there he handed them over. I didn't force him, I asked. He didn't like it but couldn't really argue. I suppose it's taking back control and made him feel the permanence of his decision.
Similarly to you, he came round to see DD to put her to bed etc.. I hit the roof when I found him in the cupboards eating food that I'd bought. He still felt entitled to everything in the house! After that I never let him cross the threshold again without inviting him in and asking him to wait in the hall like a visitor.
The point I'm trying to make is that you need to establish boundaries very early on. He will be shocked and annoyed. However, he has moved out/on and did so a long time ago. You're in the process of catching up (and you're doing brilliantly!) and when you get ahead of him (with mindset/divorce petition etc. ) he will not be happy.
You are perfectly entitled to wallow and grieve. While wallowing, consider your acceptable boundaries. If you're around when he comes over to see DC, explain the boundaries and watch his face change.
Keep going Dolly, you're utterly Tip Top!

Just a lurker wanting to say that you sound amazing and he didn't deserve you. Good luck with the solicitors.