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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has been having an affair and is leaving me

828 replies

DaydreamDolly · 08/10/2012 02:19

I can't believe I'm writing this. 2 DD's youngest 6 months. Been going on 2 yrs on and off. He loves her. I'm devastated. What am I going to do? He told me at 10pm so I haven't told anyone in RL yet.

OP posts:
BornToFolk · 25/10/2012 10:05

Yay, go Dolly!
He's so totally lacking in respect for you - to think he can just cheat, walk out and then expect to walk straight back in again. Um no.

I think you've been incredibly strong. If my ex-twunt had come back after 2 weeks, to be honest, I probably would have taken him back, I was so desperate for my life to be normal again. It would have been totally the wrong thing to do though.

Chin up and do be prepared for it to get nasty. My ex-twunt promised the earth about providing for me and DS and now he's going back on it. Off to the solicitor again later...

Is anyone interested in a general support thread for the recently twunt-free? There's been so much support and good feeling on this thread and it would be nice to continue it elsewhere.

BadgersBottom · 25/10/2012 10:10

"I wouldn't have you back if your arse was stuffed with gold"

Best. Quote. Ever.

Grin
MmeGuillotine · 25/10/2012 10:11

High fives, Dolly. You are amazing! x

skyebluezombie · 25/10/2012 10:18

"I wouldn't have you back if your arse was stuffed with gold"

Best. Quote. Ever.

*BadgersBottom" I totally agree [hgrin] [hgrin]

Dolly you must use that quote from "Saffysmum" if you need to. I dont expect my twunt to come back, but Im storing that one away, just in case...

Bear

Remember you will be very up and down. Even if you are taking control of the situation, as I did in the end, it is still upsetting to go through it and your life has still been turned upside down. Just try and figure on the positives and as we all keep saying, make sure you know your rights and sort out the finances etc

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 25/10/2012 15:47

Good on you Dolly! Am sure you can't feel the high of this the whole time, but you did brilliantly and I'm sure you'll get a warm glow when you think to yourself in those dark hours how you have handled all of this.

You have not allowed him to take the absolute piss as he has been trying to do.

Wine Cheers!

ToothbrushThief · 25/10/2012 21:24

C'mon Dolly let's have your 3

  1. meal cooked for me by lovely man
  2. friend delivered flowers for me
  3. school event tonight was brilliant
Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 26/10/2012 07:29

Sorry Toothbrush yesterday was actually a really down day Sad But today will be better!
My 3 from yesterday

  1. Had lovely talk and hugs from FIL and step MIL
  2. DD1 wanted me to cuddle her as she fell asleep and it was lovely
  3. my cleaner came Grin
OP posts:
AnEerieAirOfHorror · 26/10/2012 08:42

They are all good things.

My advice is to just roll with the bad days its ok to feel down.

Today will be a good day Grin

what one thing are you planing to do today that you like and will make you smile?

CremeEggThief · 26/10/2012 10:58

If it helps, I have had a couple of wobbly days lately, and I'm further along the path than you, at 4 and a half months. You are doing brilliantly!

Thanks
ToothbrushThief · 26/10/2012 11:45

I had a foul foul day yesterday. Ended sat at my desk after everyone had left crying. Dried eyes and came home, still a bit fragile ...to cooked meal and someone to talk it all through with so chose to consider the day only after 5:30!

Dolly down days are inevitable. I'm so glad the outlaws are being supportive. They must be feeling their own sadness over his actions.

I have cleaner envy....

blackcurrants · 26/10/2012 12:39

I love my cleaner - we scrape together the money to pay her, but it means that once a fortnight the house is SPARKLY clean and on the weekend between her visits a quick dab around the bathroom and kitchen keeps things in order. Gives me time to do important things like (1) Watch Curious George with DS and ... no, that's pretty much his sole idea of what matters!

Hope today is a better day, Dolly - it seems that the ups and downs even out over time, but there's still a way to go. Wishing you a GOOD afternoon, full of lovely things.

MyDonkeysAZombie · 26/10/2012 12:55

Dolly, cuddles as DD falls asleep, that's lovely. You have had a very emotional time, the 3 positive things a day is such a simple but good way to hang onto the better moments.

Toothbrush Thief, hope you have a better day today.

skyebluezombie · 26/10/2012 13:31

Dolly - my DD insists on cuddles on the sofa before bed and then cuddles in bed and she doesnt want me to go until she falls asleep.

Anybody use to watch Friends? Remember the "Hug and Roll" with Ross and Rachel? Thats what its like with me and DD Grin

Its so lovely because before twunt left she wasnt particularly cuddly and she always went to him for stories and cuddles etc. Now he is missing out on all of that and I have got all the time....

Do cleaners tidy up or do you need to tidy up first so that they can clean?..... My house is always a tip!

Doha · 26/10/2012 17:21

Any more texts ro the twunt Dolly?

Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 26/10/2012 20:03

Yeah. I've just had to tell him to leave me alone as he phoned asking what is said to his dad, as they've just had a row on the phone after his dad told him what he thought of him. As if its my fault that his dad is angry?? Angry He started telling me what they argued about, and he said, my mum and brother and sister knew something wasn't right, he was the only fucker that didn't. I hung up at that point. Cos he wasn't the only fucker that didn't was he. This fucker didn't.
Anyway, 3 things today;

  1. mum had DD2 for the morning while DD1 was at pre school so I could catch up on some sleep after averaging 3 hours lip last night!
  2. Had lunch with a lovely friend
  3. DD's parting shot as I left her bedroom tonight was 'mummy I love love love you' SmileSmileSmile
OP posts:
Doha · 26/10/2012 20:26

Well Dolly my 3 things are

  1. Dolly has stayed strong and has hung up on the twunt and told him to bugger off (well sort of)
  2. Dolly seems to have the support of her FIL
  3. Dolly has her DD's who love her very much and gets all the cuddles to herself----(dead jealous teenage DD in this household aghhhhhhhhhhhhh)

Hope you have a good weekend Dolly

Fluffycloudland77 · 26/10/2012 20:30

If he won't leave you alone the police can arrest him and caution him for harassment. We did this with dhs ex.

They can either offer him a caution or "words of advice" eg leave her alone or next time we charge you.

It's very sobering sitting in a police station being effectively told off for being a prick.

The only time he should be contacting you is to arrange contact and he needs to be minding his fucking mouth tbh.

blackcurrants · 26/10/2012 20:42

Aww bless your DD, that's so sweet! I am getting "I luff you tooo" from DS now, which (let's be frank) I do fish for a bit, cos it makes my heart melt/turn over/sing with joy. The best feeling :)

And well done on the hanging up. Your not his dumping ground any more, the stupid fucking fucker.

maleview70 · 26/10/2012 21:11

In life, the only things that really matter are family and friends. He is neither because 1. Friends dont do that to you and 2. He is not related other than by marriage and there are millions of people who can replace him in that role.

Believe me as I went through the same (Roles reversed obviously). You do and will become stronger. You wont take any shit off any bloke again and you will reap the rewards.

You are doing great so far. Keep strong and dont let him worm his way back in. The best pain you can inflict on him is to get on with your life, be happy and find happiness and he will only then truly realise what he has lost.

ToothbrushThief · 26/10/2012 21:37

Aw at love love love you.

  1. I have chocolate
  2. I will lie in tomorrow
  3. gorgeous DD swam like a dolphin tonight

You do find out who you can count on at times like this Dolly. FiL sounds a good 'un

AnEerieAirOfHorror · 26/10/2012 21:54

Hugs and remeber you dont have to answer the phone to him anymore. You have voice mail let him use it. This way you dont have to get in to any conversation with him.

If he becomes agressaive or angry at pick up tell him one to calm down and pick the kids up and if not ask him to leave if he does not call the police and have him charged and have contact at a center instead. His choice.

AnEerieAirOfHorror · 26/10/2012 21:56

You dont have to take any of his emotional outburst anymore ever. He give up that right.

griphook · 26/10/2012 22:11

Well done for staying strong, keep it going.

Love your dd.

50shadesofgreyhair · 27/10/2012 08:40

You are doing really well. Detach more - as AnEerie says, you don't have to take any more of his outbursts any more....you have to set yourself strong and firm boundaries. Only have contact about the kids, and keep it calm and business like. Just refuse to engage in any emotional stuff. It is vital for your recovery and your sanity that you detach as much as possible. It was doing this that got me through and I can't emphasise it enough. Stop seeing things from his point of view and caring about how he feels or even reacting at all to how he feels. Its hard, but crucial.

MyDonkeysAZombie · 27/10/2012 09:36

So he doesn't like being ticked off by his dad, cue lashing out in a self justifying strop. Too bad, so sad! You have kept your dignity Dolly you don't have to listen a minute longer than you wish if he doesn't stay civil.

Short thread hijack: Hello Doha, Teenage DD parents' club yaaaay (waves pom poms weakly and un- coolly).

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