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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My husband has been having an affair and is leaving me

828 replies

DaydreamDolly · 08/10/2012 02:19

I can't believe I'm writing this. 2 DD's youngest 6 months. Been going on 2 yrs on and off. He loves her. I'm devastated. What am I going to do? He told me at 10pm so I haven't told anyone in RL yet.

OP posts:
olgaga · 24/10/2012 22:58

Well done Dolly, I'm so pleased to hear you are ok. I can go to bed now!

ToothbrushThief · 24/10/2012 23:03

I have such a big smile on my face for you and because of you Dolly

After ex and I split I regained a huge amount of confidence. My current relationship has only survived because he's respectful, doting, indulgent and treats me like I'm special. He knows I do not need him. I am determined to never need him. If he wants to keep me....he needs to work at it. (To be fair I give him same respect) it's a good feeling

Guiltypleasures001 · 24/10/2012 23:07

De lurking to wave pom poms in your general direction Dolly you go girl...

I have a bonus and he is better than any lottery win I could ever wish for. x

blackcurrants · 24/10/2012 23:28

So glad for you that it's gone so well, Dolly - have you got lawyered up yet? It seems like cheating scumbags go two ways, they either ramp it up (threats of suicide, emotional blackmail etc) or they suddenly get EXTREMELY nasty about money, residence, etc. You are being so strong emotionally, get some legal/financial big guns to hand as well!

[cheers and initiates group hugging]

AnEerieAirOfHorror · 24/10/2012 23:29

Bows down to your awesomeness Grin

So true what you said we dont need them. We chose who we want to share our life with and we only get one life, we have no use to share or waste it with twats.

Sweetdreams luv

skyebluezombie · 24/10/2012 23:59

Well Done Dolly. You are truly amazing.

He deserves whatever happens from now on. He started it but you can finish it.

xx

Casfoos · 25/10/2012 00:10

Hi just joined tonight and read this and it really struck a chord. Have been married for 25 yrs and probably breaking up with hubby, he had 3 affairs now says that he probably should have been honest after 1st or 2nd one, any way, take some of the good advice on here and first of all get your family around you, I never had that really, legal advice is a must, you need to know exactly where you stand, and I wish you all the very best, and yeah I know, I was for taking mine back lol! Love Carol xx

Casfoos · 25/10/2012 00:14

Oops just realised i was reading the posts all topsy turvy lol! Well done, much respect, love Carol

50shadesofgreyhair · 25/10/2012 02:07

Well done Dolly, I agree that you're an awesome lady.

I also agree with the wise poster upthread who says that he'll ramp things up in one of two ways next: he'll have a 'breakdown'. As a MH nurse, I've witnessed my fair share of breakdowns, and as a regular mumsnetter, and an ex-Mrs Twunt, I've unfortunately seen a fair share of 'twuntdowns' too. He will possibly try (and think he has) turn all this around, and it will be your fault. My twunt's mantra, after screwing around, and treating his family like shit on his shoe, was 'she threw me out of the family home' and regularly bemoaned same to anyone who would listen. When this had no effect whatsoever, because twunts live in their own little parallel universe created to make themselves teflon coated, and the rest of the world saw through it all, he then went into phase two, 'I had to leave her, I'd have had a breakdown if I stayed' routine. Again, no joy with this, so predictably enough, we quickly moved onto 'I'm having a breakdown because no one cares about me (except OW who is rapidly losing her appeal) and that's not fair' scenario. Lots of feeling sorry for himself, lots of veiled threats 'I can't cope' shit and lots of emotional blackmail. If your twunt does this, then ignore, ignore, ignore. His shit, created by him, for him to deal with. You need to detach and stay strong, and not get involved. You didn't cause the affair, and you won't cause the aftermath.

Alternative to this (or following it) will be the 'going to stall on the divorce and fight dirty, just because I can' phase. My twunt was a master at this. He ignored all the solicitors letters, he buggered off to Greece and didn't turn up to court, he really did the twunt equivalent of throwing all his toys out of his little pram. It cost him far more financially than it needed to, and pissed lady twunt off no end, because she thought he was stalling because he wanted to come back. The solution to this is get yourself a shit hot lawyer, and let them deal with it all. Don't get too embroiled in all the delaying tactics, because that's what he wants. I told myself (after he'd ignored yet another deadline) that in my heart I divorced the twunt the day I chucked him out, and the piece of paper making it official would be great, but it didn't really matter if I got that a month of two later than I hoped.

Your parting shot was great: I borrowed my much missed grandma's: "I wouldn't have you back if your arse was stuffed with gold." That worked too.

I've waffled, sorry, but in a nutshell, get the divorce rolling asap.

Saffysmum x

LordOfThe5Rings · 25/10/2012 03:32

Continue to stay strong! :)

Sugary · 25/10/2012 06:19

Well done! You are fabulous! Xx

ToothbrushThief · 25/10/2012 07:15

Funny how many of us have seen the same behaviour. My ex had a breakdown. To his shame (and one thing I will never forgive) he suckered my sister onto his side with veiled threats. Even worse he involved my (older than yours) DC. To have a young teenager treated to that behaviour.... Well he deserves to rot.

I am a soft touch so found it very distressing to get phone calls, texts and mails endlessly and all times of day/night. He left messages on my work answer machine 'by accident'. Every action he could think of to try and manipulate his return.

I was thinking about your twunt today though. I thinks he's shown exceptional arrogance. Tell your DW you've been having a 2 yr affair (covering a pregnancy)... Leave to live with OW, change your mind 2weeks later and think DW will just say... Oh that's ok.... He really is deluded!

CremeEggThief · 25/10/2012 08:29

Wonderful, just wonderful . SO proud of you :o.

Haahoostory · 25/10/2012 08:43

Well done dolly. That man has just lost the best thing that has ever happened to him. And he knows it Smile

BadgerFace · 25/10/2012 08:44

Dolly, I have been lurking but just wanted to say that you are AMAZING. Such cool, calm, collectedness in the face of the situation that awful man put you in can only be admired.

As awful as it has been, it sounds as though he has done you a favour in the long run and you can have a much happier life without him. I am sure that your bonus is waiting in the wings!

DaydreamDolly · 25/10/2012 08:52

Thanks everyone. Tired today and not quite as 'on top' as I was last night but I still know I did the right thing.
Our new life really starts today. Wish us luck! Smile

OP posts:
olgaga · 25/10/2012 09:00

I'm not at all surprised that you are tired this morning. It's a very draining experience you are going through.

Very best of luck Dolly - get the legal stuff underway!

CremeEggThief · 25/10/2012 09:07

Yes, take it easy for a few days now; well as easy as you can, with two little ones!

PedallingSquares · 25/10/2012 09:19

Just wanted to de-lurk to say well done Dolly.

How far you have come already since your first post. Go Dolly Grin

Wishing you loads of luck and twunt-free happiness

Looksgoodingravy · 25/10/2012 09:22

Here's to a bright future Dolly, be kind to yourself over the next few days, this is bound to be taking its toll emotionally, no wonder you're tired but you have done AMAZINGLY well!

MyDonkeysAZombie · 25/10/2012 09:35

Good morning Dolly

I don't doubt you feel less 'on top' than last night. It's uncharted territory for you but for the first time since the bombshell, you are streets ahead of your OH, and he is on the back foot. Two thoughts occur:

If your husband and OW had had a contraception failure during their shagfest your DDs might have had a half sibling or 2.

Imagine you had been the cheat. You tell your loyal loving trusting spouse that you've had a 2 year affair and you love them and are leaving your family. A fortnight on and you trample a bit more on his heart and say you have had second thoughts.

Do you for a nanosecond see him being magnanimous about that?

You deserve better. Good luck.

bringbacksideburns · 25/10/2012 09:40

Wow. You are the role model for all women who post on MN going through this right now.

Bloody good luck to you! Welcome to the rest of your life!

bigbird80 · 25/10/2012 09:45

Been lurking this entire thread. Just saying well done and good luck with your new life. It is great you have the self worth to tell him where to stick it. Your daughters will be happier women as a result with bags of self esteem and confidence. Well done dolly xx

LifeMovesOn · 25/10/2012 09:46

Dolly - we all knew he was going to do this to you, I'm so impressed you're standing firm, long may it continue if you really are wanting to ditch the loser. Your emotions are going to be up and down, what else can you expect after such a huge trauma in your life. Anyway, enough about him [hangry]; let's celebrate another day in your new life Wine

Toothbrush.... "I have such a big smile on my face for you and because of you Dolly

After ex and I split I regained a huge amount of confidence. My current relationship has only survived because he's respectful, doting, indulgent and treats me like I'm special. He knows I do not need him. I am determined to never need him. If he wants to keep me....he needs to work at it. (To be fair I give him same respect) it's a good feeling" What a superb statement - that is exactly how I feel. Thank you for putting it into words Smile

Have a great day to Dolly and all her supporters on here Thanks

BloodRedAlienReflux · 25/10/2012 09:49

Morning Dolly, have come out of lurkdome to say,you are amazing, even if you're getting a bit sick of reading it now!
Not surprised you're tired, getting a twunt untangled from your life is no easy task, but man you have done brilliantly, and have done the hardest bit. Onwards and upwards now Dolly! Grin

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