My husband has been having an affair and is leaving me

[DaydreamDolly]

I can't believe I'm writing this. 2 DD's youngest 6 months. Been going on 2 yrs on and off. He loves her. I'm devastated. What am I going to do? He told me at 10pm so I haven't told anyone in RL yet.

You're taking control back tomorrow and clearly showing him that this is not a game. That should dampen his feelings of smugness and give the self serving self centered twunt a wake up call. your right dolly, you have to feel a bit sorry for this ow. Sleep well x

He's opted out of family life Dolly. You are not stopping him from being a father - he now fathers in contact time HIS choice. If the DC are hospitalised then he needs to be called. If he wants to know if DC is having a good day....tough.

Sounds like he things a few throwaway texts will mean he is a 'great Dad'. Don't screw yourself in knots appeasing his guilt.

I can promise if you ring him at 4:30am one night to say DD is teething and crying...he'll not want to be a father then

Good luck tomorrow Dolly. Hope the legal advice serves you well.

Hit him full in the chest with both barrels--don't dare miss

Dolly I had leaky eyes when I read what you said about having good days already. All of this will build up a self esteem like you've never known. The first time I took my dc abroad for a holiday paid for by me I was watching them on a beach and felt such an overwhelming sense of pride I cried.
You will be amazed at what you can do and achieve.
I used to have lots of long baths with dd whilst supping on a beer and feeling all liberated and strong.
I can categorically state that I am glad he left me.
Now cut contact and you are laughing.

Thinking of you and your daughters, Dolly. Big hugs xx

Hold that head high today Dolly. You are being strong and taking control.

Whilst grieving for the life you thought you had, you're dealing with the reality of it. This is a positive step. I am so amazed and impressed. You're probably feeling crumpled and miserable ...but from outside you're doing great! He's lost one amazing woman. Twunt

I still feel really ok today! I'm amazed. I feel like that Katie Perry song 'Wide awake'.
He rang DD1 this morning and has messaged saying he is finding it really hard and he now knows how lucky he was. It's only a matter of time before he asks to come back and I realise I really don't want him to even ask. But I know the answer would be no thanks!! I'm wide awake.

This will be a case of your h not knowing what he's got until he's issued with the divorce papers, by which time you will be that little bit stronger.

Hope you have a lovely day with your girls today Dolly x

HE'S finding it hard? He's trying to court sympathy. I can see the tables are turning already.

I have just read the whole thread (took me 2 hours after lots of interuptions from mini-humans, how very dare they !)

You are doing a fantastic job Dolly, really really fantastic. Would love to see his face when he realises you wont take him back (because it will happen!)

Well done you!

What he means when he says that is that he now realises that his life was more pleasant for him when he had you at home as his faithful wife and the OW on the side.

He had two women to love him, one to do his housework, and his children nearby.

He threw away most of his cushy life for the bit in the side. He threw away the cake for the icing, the stupid fool.

On his own terms he has totally screwed himself over.

Meanwhile he has alerted you to what a worthless knobhead he is.

Now you know that throughout the entirety of you second daughter's conception, gestation and short life he was screwing around and risking the health of both of you.

His little drama with himself as the star is not playing out quite as he imagined it would when he allowed himself be talked into leaving you.

I imagine he thought you'd be a lot more distraught and gratifyingly beggy than you have been, and that he'd be able to keep both options open for a while.

Hi Dolly,

I just want to add my two pennies, I think you are doing amazing - Its hard, I know but keep going. Very soon the tables will be turned and he will be begging to come home. You will then realise how strong and independant you have become.

I hope today is a good one.

I said to him the other day, "You'll find it hard to cheat on her seeing as she's at all your work functions and trips", his reply? "I'll find a way"

and as the posters above have said, he probably thinks he can keep you on side, home comforts etc just when it suits him.

Well done Dolly sussing him out and staying so calm, hope even with his colossal ego he will start to realise he has screwed things up with you.

Ali400's idea about a notebook was a good one, recalling ex's annoying habits, and Toothbrush Thief's suggestion of 3 positive things you've achieved each day. Maybe make it A4 size and include a short chapter at the back with some of the current twattery or future messing about if it occurs regarding collection of DDs.

The more you distance yourself the closer he will want to become. And than you can just ignore ignore ignore knowing he is suffering suffering suffering because you are not begging him like his huge ego needs so much.

Grass not greener then ?

diddums

Stupid man

I hope you don't cave to the emotional blackmail that I feel is inevitably heading your way very soon

He will be "ill", "depressed", not eating properly, not taking care of himself, struggling at work, missing the children, unkempt and hangdog, tail firmly between his legs (temporarily)

it's all the drama of him, isn't it ?

don't listen to a fucking word of it

Go Dolly!! HHMF sums it up again in fine fashion, he will display all the usual symptoms of feeling pathetically sorry for himself.

When mine left to be with his whore OW and she then told him to fuck off since he was only a bit of fun (oh how I eventually laughed), he was with his sister's best friend only two weeks later. He told my DD that he couldn't bear being on his own, he needed someone! And he's still with her and they make each other so miserable that I smile every day because of that. Life is still hard, don't kid yourself, but you are so right in doing what you are and getting on with things.

I thank my stars every day that this horrible, new 'man' who replaced the person I thought my husband of 22 years, is no longer anything to do with me (sadly he is still the "father of my beautiful daughter" - and that is exactly how he is referred to).

Ali -it was so good reading your story, your love for your mum and your new family really shines through. My DD was 16 when it all happened and I still worry about the long term effect on her now, but your post made me feel all warm and fluffy! Thank you.

Good luck today Dolly, we're all behind you sweetheart.

Good luck love. Today I did a little dance when I read your post about not wanting him back. Revenge for you will be very sweet indeed. He is like a text book knobhead.
Off on hols today with my dds even though on remarried I so enjoy doing things together man less so to speak I got so used to it

Go Dolly :o. Listen to the great advice above though.

Enjoy your holiday, Ledkr. :)

Dearest Dolly, you are doing brilliantly in these hideous circumstances.

So much self control not to reply to his smarmy little texts. I mean, 'sweetheart', How does he have the actual gall?

He is being totally inappropriate and is kidding himself when he uses these terms of endearment that he is keeping things civil. He seems not to care how much he's hurt you.

In fact, it's still all about him isn't it? he's finding it hard, he now realises how lucky he was (bit too fucking late)

What a stupid, stupid man.

Loved reading about your hilarious time with girls in the bath, it's so wonderful to have daughters isn't it?

Others have said it, and it sounds as if you are doing just this: When you are going through hell, KEEP GOING...

All the best Dolly

Is it strange that I don't feel anger to the OW? Just pity.

No, it's not that strange, but it says a lot about your inner strength and the rational way you are dealing with this.

I think the worst part of these situations is the way they come to realise, too late, that in leaving their wife, they leave their family. They become a stranger in their own home, and all those spontaneous moments that make parenting so rewarding are lost to them. Contact arrangements are so unsatisfactory in comparison.

Sadly in my experience when the reality starts to bite, and they realise that what's done can't be undone, and it's a bloody awful, costly mess and they're no longer in control, that's when they start to shift the blame.

So be prepared for that Dolly. I hope the solicitor you've found will serve you well. You can always post here for additional advice/second opinions!

I can't wait to see you all on Wednesday.

How awful for you Dolly. I suppose they think this kind of crap makes them sound kind and generous... In reality, it is so deeply patronising and insulting it takes your breath away.

Blimey, I've just read this all the way through....I hope it went well at the lawyers today.

It'll sharpen the divides between them when they are replying to all the lawyers letters and watching the bill rack up. It's tedious and boring and he has to pay for it all by the sounds of it.

Just checking in to cheer you on, Dolly

Hope today went well, Dolly. Think of it as a very positive step towards your future. You are doing fantastically well at holding your head up. As other posters have said, keep ignoring his patronising texts - just DO NOT reply at all unless it is a genuine question such as 'what time can I pick DD up on Sat?' in which case I would simply text back, '11.00am' or whatever you have decided.

It's not strange to simply feel pity for the OW - I am very, very sorry for the woman my ex is now with, mostly because she's stuck with him and his moods. They got together after we split and she sold her house to move in with him and looks very tired and stressed when I occasionally see her in town. I, on the other hand, now have a fab DH who is incredibly loving, faithful and supportive, as opposed to incredibly selfish and childish (which the Ex was).

It's very early days for you, but you are doing so well and believe me - when I now see my ex who is father of 3 of my dcs and who I was married to for 14 years all I feel is IMMENSE relief and gratitude that I am not still with him. My sole regret, honestly, is that I wasted so many years on him.

Let us know how today went.

Sol wants £750 up front to proceed so my parents are going to go down tomorrow and pay it so we can start proceedings. H is now saying he has made a huge mistake and wants his family back together. Note he didn't say he wanted me back, just the family back. He's only go and do it again 6 months down the line so I told him this, and that I had no intention of taking him back. He said 'I'll fight for you' I said 'Don't bother on my account its futile' Stupid idiot who is this man I married??!! Problem is he is off to his fathers tonight and I know he wants us back together so I bet he'll stoke his fire and ill have more messages later (sigh)

bloody hell, thats a lot to pay upfront. Do you qualify for legal aid? its worth looking into if you can find a solicitor in your area.

what a total idiot your H is. Im sure that you would like to get your family back together, I still would even though I know it would never be right with my twunt every again, so I would never do it if he did come back. but you need to remember what he has done to you, what he would do to you again - and remember he comment about being able to find a way to cheat on her too.

Nobody can tell you what to do, but I think that you have had the wake up call that you need to remind you why you should no longer be married to this man...