My husband has been having an affair and is leaving me

[DaydreamDolly]

I can't believe I'm writing this. 2 DD's youngest 6 months. Been going on 2 yrs on and off. He loves her. I'm devastated. What am I going to do? He told me at 10pm so I haven't told anyone in RL yet.

Toothbrush and Ali thank you so much. The notebook idea is brilliant. I am trying not to over romanticise our relationship as I know now he really hasn't been very nice to me since DD2 was born. At weekends he'd just mope around (I now know he was love sick) and our weekends were quite tense. I knew he wasn't happy but I had so much to deal with and I didn't want to face it. I did try though, and was forever saying things like 'We had a really nice time this weekend didn't we?' Just trying to get him to say something positive. He never really did.
Such a shame as the man I married would have done anything for me. But he's changed. I mourn for that man, not this latest version.
I woke at 2am and happened to look at my phone. I had a message sent at 1am saying 'Hope the girls are ok, sleep tight baby xx' He's got issues.
I went out last night for my friends hen night but I only had 1 drink. I don't think drinking and late nights coupled with getting up early are good for my state of mind, or my kids! Still feel exhausted though. For the first few hours being out was ok, then I found myself retreating into my shell. Didn't want to talk to anyone just wanted to get home to bed. I know I'll get there but it's so early.
Cuddling on the sofa with DD1 whilst DD2 naps upstairs. She seems fine today and hasn't mentioned daddy once.

baby steps Dolly, well done for even managing to go to the hen night.

STBXH has issues, probably control issues and trying to keep you sweet-thus having 2 females "wanting him". How quickly is his bubble going to burst when the solicitors letter citing adultry arrives, just now he tyhinks you are bluffing and the door is still open.
Again it is amazing when you reflect on the past that youmstart to see little signs of where and when it all started, how his attitude and behaviour changes, also how you tried to convince yourself that everything was ok

Enjoy your cuddles Dolly, twat is missing out on so much-and whatever else you do DO NOT reply to any texts.

Hope you have a lovely, lazy day with lots of cuddles with your babies. XXX

Dolly, you are doing very well to even go out at all. I went to my cousins 18/21st party 3 weeks after STBXH had left. Mum told all the family he had gone, apart from one person that she couldnt get hold of. so guess who comes up to me at the party and says, oh so where's twunt tonight? Cue me bursting into tears and telling the whole sad story to her. Turns out her first husband had walked out on her, so she knew what I was going through.

I went home at 9.30 that night, but the main thing is I went. And you did brilliantly by going on the hen night. You are right, it is very early and you are still doing so well.

Its amazing how strong we can be. Since my trouble and being on MN so much I am amazed by the strength of the women on here (and some men), who are going through so much and how we all manage to cope with it, while our ex's are still running around like headless chicken.

xx

Dolly,

I have read through all of this, and whilst I can't offer anything new to say, I just want to echo everyone else in saying you are absolutely remarkable and dignified. I'm so sorry that you are going through this though.

Can you put your sim card into an old phone and get a new sim? Let everyone else know your new number, so that the old number is only used by him? It means that his patronising and grandiose texts can lurk there, unread (unless you want to read them). Urrgggghh what a dick!

I think the script going through his head is something along the lines of 'I know I have hurt you, but it's not really my fault, it's all to do with the thrill seeking you see - but I'll do my noble best to support you emotionally through this, my crushed little flower'.

Oh and 'separation suits you' - don't even get me started! Separation implies an element of mutual agreement. More accurate to state 'betrayal suits you'. Knob.

I am really cross on your behalf.

I add my voice to those who think you would benefit from establishing more boundaries about him using your house for contact - it's causing you so much pain.

Anyway, rant over. Enjoy the rest of the weekend.

Beryl yes I think that is the script, he loves to be loved and can't bear to be made out to be the bad guy - go figure?!
I'm pleased to report he hasn't made contact again today.
Yesterday I stipulated 1 night in the week to put girls to bed then immediately clear off, and 1 day of the weekend (only half a day for DD2 though) I also told him if he wanted to speak to DD1 on the phone to call the house phone which I will get her to answer. That way I don't really need to speak to him much at all.
Still coming to terms with the past 2 years all being a bit of a false life, but I'm definitely getting stronger. I wish I could fast forward to a place where I can smile and laugh properly again though.

I remember feeling like that place didn't exist and I'd never get there. In the months it took me to get there I had some fabulous times as well as some real lows. I was frustrated by the fact I couldn't end my feelings for him. I was always churned up again by contact. It's bliss when it happens.

Dolly I saw my friend last night the one who literally picked me up off the floor when I found out about ow. We laughed heartily about it all like you will one day.
I remember going out the first time and feeling out of it and really sad that I was single again, I text him pitifully
I soon got to enjoy it again though.

Thanks ledkr that's the sort of thing I need to hear. Feeling really strong tonight. I now know, unequivocally, that he's done me a huge favour. Or rather she has.
Had such a lovely evening with the girls tonight. The 3 of us had a bath together, and we laughed and laughed and laughed, DD1 laughed so much she said her tummy hurt Both sleeping soundly by 7pm and I feel relaxed and not quite happy, but not overly sad. I know tomorrow etc may be different but I take heart in knowing I can have good days already. Bring it on. Life mark 2!!!!

Glad you have had a better day today Dolly. Thats the rollercoaster for you.... It will be very up and down, good day bad day etc.

You are doing so well and your DD's will be happy with you

'You shoot me down, but I won't fall, I am titanium...' good song for you to sing out loud to dolly x

Mentally note those good times and use them to pull you through the bad days... I did that a lot in the first few weeks.

The bath sounded great fun :).

Ah and so the messages start.... Ill copy and paste again near with me

How's DD1 been today sweetheart?
I've been resisting calling all day, but I miss them so much.
I didn't want to call in case it caused you issues and made her ask more questions. Has she been OK? I'll call in the morning, I can't wait to see you all on Wednesday.

Oh FFS! What's with all the 'sweetheart' and 'babe' stuff?

Please dont respond Dolly. He is putting himself on a pedestal, preening his inflated ego. Shameful bastard.

Oh why do they do this.... He has no right to address you with any form of endearment, (unless he calls everybody sweetheart). He may miss his children, but its been his choice to leave them hasn't it? and he has no right to be saying things like I cant wait to see you all on Weds....

Can you either ignore it, or just text back something like - please only text me regarding contact issues adn nothing else?

Dolly love have you got an old phone you can use for Casanova Ex to contact you regarding your DD's only??
You really don't need the hassle of receiving all this contact, he has already disregarded your requst for minimal contact and by the sounds of it the OW has been giving him a hard time regarding you and the DC's.

Have you agreed a time for him to call DD in the morning if so let her answer and when she is finished hang up-you have no need to talk at all.

I haven't replied. Is it strange that I don't feel anger to the OW? Just pity. She has no idea what she's got herself into. I feel sorry for her cos I know how convincing he can be and you can get carried away with it. She probably thinks they're a modern day Romeo and Juliet when all he wanted was an escape and he'll never be happy. I said to him the other day 'You'll find it hard to cheat on her seeing as she's at all your work functions and trips' his reply? 'Im sure I'll find a way' Unbelievable.

Dolly, I have read your thread and am so sad to hear what this man you have loved has done, but at the same time so incredibly impressed with how you have handled what is undoubtedly one of your darkest times.

I am also very heartened by the amount of support you have received here, it's been wonderful. I have nothing helpful to contribute but i have been thinking of you and your lovely girls x

Thanks Sanctuary, and you're right, there's been so many inspirational women on this thread that have helped me enormously. Women are (generally) bloody wonderful.

Hi dolly, have read your thread and would only add to the (sound) advice to date, and the well-deserved plaudits you've had regarding the dignity & togetherness you are showing through this ordeal, that IMO its sensible simply not to reply to any texts/emails that concern matters other than the DCs. Only respond to those which relate to your children. If you do, from what you've said about your STBEXH, he's likely to take your responses as evidence of you wanting to punish him (through coldness etc.) and from that infer ongoing emotion. Obviously you're hurting and extremely emotional but he needs/feeds off your dialogue, for whatever reason, only he really knows. The most devastating thing you can do to him (which happens also to the be most profitable way for you to move forward) is just to ignore, ignore ignore.

Keep going, you're doing phenomenally well x

Glad you had a good time with your girls. They are going to remember that when they're older - how much fun Mum was and all the happy times with you. The good day/bad day rollercoaster is wearing but I know what you mean, it does help to know that good days are even possible!

Good plan on the not replying. I am still learning that lesson! The best thing to do is dis-engage.

Hope tomorrow (filing of the divorce) goes well.

Yes you're so right about the dialogue. I do find it hard to ignore texts asking about the girls because I feel if he genuinely wants to ask after them I should reply, but exactly that, my replies would be cold and he would feed off them. So better to ignore and deal with the fall out from that I guess.