My husband has been having an affair and is leaving me

[DaydreamDolly]

I can't believe I'm writing this. 2 DD's youngest 6 months. Been going on 2 yrs on and off. He loves her. I'm devastated. What am I going to do? He told me at 10pm so I haven't told anyone in RL yet.

Hope the messages will make you laugh very hard. Think circus with you stbxh being the clown.

Good on you. Do not take him back ever he is scum to do that to you for two years and doing it when making another person is twatish to a high degree.

Now he knows its for real and he cant control you he will try everything. Ignore ignore ignore.

Stay strong and you are awesome

pompom

Your parents might well be advised to write you out of their wills while this is going on, otherwise if they pass while you are still married your ex could be entitled to half what you inherit.

A colleagues parents did this when she got divorced.

He does like a bit of drama doesnt he? switch your phone off for the night. Leave the landline on in case of emergencies.

When dh split from his ex she sent him so many txt messages slagging me off (she left him but it's all my fault apparently I've never worked out how) that we had her arrested and charged with harrassment. It made her look bad in front of the judges when it went to court.

His new girls got herself a prize hasn't she? he's already making overtures to another woman only this time he's married to her.

Dolly - I don't like to be negative but I had a bad experience with one solicitor. I did my own divorce (approx £800 all in?) but then employed a sol to help do the financial order. They took an upfront payment of £500 and achieved nothing with it.

I have no idea of what I could have done differently because they promised lots and delivered very little but it made me much more shrewd about my negotiations with them. I asked more detailed questions and wanted quotes.

He will have to pay for the divorce but the financial negotiations will be borne by you. It's those that can be prolonged. Can I suggest you get advice and go to your sol with what you have researched and then take advice fully informed....rather than go and take advice and then have to research the advice they give you before a further appt to discuss it.

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As for regretful twunt ..... I'm sorry to say this but it does appear that you have not played the game right Dolly. I think at this point you're supposed to get on your knees begging him to come back and promising to keep him happy. Meanwhile, he feels that you will rightly now appreciate him and thus be happy to ignore his little indiscretions and if one day a better offer comes along...well so be it. You should have been a better wife
Twunt

C'mon let's hear it. 3 positives for today. Mine;

1. My boss backed me over difficult issue
2. My little girl told me a funny story about playing rugby at school
3. I'm losing weight

Twuntfile;
What can I say....my twunt is history

Ah, it's started sooner than I thought

Funny how the threat of giving your 25% of your salary losing your family can concentrate the mind....

Turn off your phone, Dolly and get someone to delete the text msgs before you read them

They are not going to say anything that is good for you

giving over

He reaps what he sows, this mess is all his own making.

Ok 3 positives

1. DD1 drew a pic at playgroup today of 'mummy and me'
2. I haven't cried at all today
3. I managed to eat dinner for the first time since it happened.

Hi dolly, just read your thread and think you are doing amazingly. You dd's will be proud of you when they are older.

As fluffy cloud says be aware if will, a family member was separated from her abusive h, and was in the process of divorce when she was left some Money, sadly he legally took half. It was a long time ago but it might be worth looking into.

He sounds very manipulating, his texts are shocking.

Glad you manage to eat something.

Keep going, Dolly. Three oexcellent things :).

Great list of positives! Hang in there.

To be honest, £750 up front is not a lot of money. It's worth every penny if they are good.

He can't exactly dispute the grounds for divorce, which will be adultery. What he can do is contest the arrangements for finance and children, and that can hold up the divorce. That's when a good solicitor is worth every penny.

You may be able to prevent costs escalating if you can agree these arrangements at mediation - but take advice from your solicitor first.

Ok, to get through a day at this point with no crying is a HUGE thing. Well done!

Re: the solicitor, £750 is not a lot for an initial payment (my divorce/financial settlement ended up costing me £15,000 and the ex £25,000 - and then the judge ordered a costs hearing because the ex had dragged his feet for so long and costs were awarded against him. So.....it cost him £40,000 for being an arse about the whole thing - on top of what he had to pay me as a settlement). What you need to do is speak to solicitor about applying for legal aid now (which you should be entitled to). Legal aid will then pay the costs so that you don't have to find the money, but you will be expected to repay it out of any settlement you get, unless you can get costs awarded against the ex.

Please don't even consider taking him back for the sake of the children. To my absolute regret the first time my ex deserted us and whored around for 6 months I filed for divorce and then he put so much pressure on me (with 3 kids under 4) about wanting his 'family' back, and knowing what a 'huge mistake' he'd made that I felt horribly guilty for the kids and took him back, cancelling the divorce.

All that happened was that he was a complete bastard and the marriage limped on for another 3 years until he (once again) announced he didn't want me and didn't think he was a family man any longer. I then had to start the whole process again, which was much harder on the children, who were then 3 years older and missed him more.

Keep strong. Keep going. You're doing brilliantly.

Isn't it £300 in costs to start it off? £450 up front plus costs?

Dolly a good 3 things. I liked the picture. Work on today's 3 things. Make them happen :)

He really is a thrill-seeker isn't he? Seeking the 'thrill'of an affair, the 'thrill' of leaving you, now the 'thrill' of 'fighting for you' - bleurgh!

I think the thrill of a swift knee-to-the-groin from the MN collective...

Dolly I have been following your thread since it all happened last week, and haven't posted before as haven't felt I could add anything more to the amazing advice you've been getting. But today I just wanted to say how amazingly you are doing - so strong, so sensible, and such a fantastic mother. All of this will serve you and your beautiful girls so well and you will create a happy and strong future for yourselves I am sure.
Well done for standing firm and recognising the truth of the situation - it's not you he wants back its the cosy, easy family life he used to have that he has royally fucked up and now thinks he can just get back with a click of his fingers. I cannot imagine the strength of will and emotional resolve it must be taking you to face this and remain true to yourself and your girls. Really, really, you are an outstanding woman. Keep going! Well done. Be proud of yourself. I'm in awe xx

Lots of posts like that Dolly. You are being really strong and not letting him be a complete arse

You're amazing Dolly.
Look after your dd's and youself.
Look forward to seeing your 3 positives from today.
(Delurked to post)

Can I add another post like that then?
Have been lurking along since last week and this is such inspirational reading Dolly - there are loads of people reading along wishing you well and full of admiration for you. They may not all be posting but everyone reading this is shaking their pompoms for you.
I also can't imagine the strength of will and emotional resolve this is taking but keep on staying strong for your girls.
I didn't think I had anything further to add to the excellent advice you've had but this 'thrill seeker' stuff is ringing a bell. Worked alongside a seemingly nice bloke a few years back. Met his wife once - great woman. When she was 8 months pregnant with their second child it became all too obvious he was having an affair with another colleague. When I asked him why he was doing something so disgusting his answer was "I can't help myself - I need the thrill of it". I left the company soon afterwards but continued to hear news from colleagues - seems like that affair fizzled out but 2 years later he left DW for a different OW. 2 weeks later all " I want to keep my family together" and the DW took him back. Latest news is he has 2 affairs on the go and strong rumours he's seeing prostitutes too. The poor wife. From what I saw with that bloke is he saw himself as the main player in a big drama and liked to have all the drama revolving around him - so he always had to up the drama ante. The words being used here are all about drama too - "I'll fight for you" etc. What these men don't realise is it's not dramatic or thrilling - it's sordid, grim, and horribly destructive. I would have liked to tell that other wife don't take him back - he's clearly going to this again, just worse and worse. At least I can say that to you - so keep going Dolly. Stay Strong! Your family will be so much happier without this thrill/drama seeker (knob) around to destabilise it. Good luck with today's 3 things

Dolly, your family is together - it's just that he has decided not to be part of it anymore.

Dolly you have done amazingly well so far, don't let him get under your skin, he's planting the seeds now to try and worm his way back in to your life, didn't take him long did it!

Stay strong.

Thanks ladies, yes he is going to be persistent I think, but I really do feel resolute. I think continuing on my own will actually be easier than taking him back for whatever reason and never being able to relax. I want someone who loves me enough to love only me.
Viper that story strikes fear in my heart and only confirms what I sadly know.
I'm still young (33) and I have plenty of time to rebuild my life without his destructive influence. I must stay strong and you are all helping this hugely so thank you, thank you, once again

I don't wish to out myself by telling you my life story since the split. But it has held the biggest lows..... and also the biggest highs. The lows are just a passage and I've passed through them. It's all good now.