My husband has been having an affair and is leaving me

[DaydreamDolly]

I can't believe I'm writing this. 2 DD's youngest 6 months. Been going on 2 yrs on and off. He loves her. I'm devastated. What am I going to do? He told me at 10pm so I haven't told anyone in RL yet.

Yes that saved me not knowing anything that and no contact. Even I feel angry at the extra key grrrrr is it her place or rented? They are total dicks aren't they?

I found the contact and exposure to his 'new' life really wound me up. I was analysing, why, what if etc. It's much healthier to leave that behind and focus on you and your new life. It will be good. I promise.

Happy Birthday Ledkr -yay to caring dh doing birthdays properly

I am hooting at the The OW has no children. She'll want them and then he'll not be able to cope. Karma

Yes ow in my case has had 2 kids and is always posting on FB about lack of help Mother's Day cards etc. fgs woman did you think he'd be a great dad after he left his 4 for you? Deluded or what

Can I just say that if there is any info that comes out, it's probably better to have it all now, before you start moving on.

My STBXH drip fed further information/dropped bombshells 10 (her name, how long it was going on and that he had moved in with her straight away, but would have to ask her permission to give me their address) and 15 weeks (they had got engaged) further down the line, infuriating me and setting back my recovery each time.
It really felt as if they were deliberately trying to rub salt into my wounds and to goad and provoke me. So that's why I think facing up to it all now, feel the pain, anger and hurt it causes, grieve and then slowly start to move on is ultimately better.

Of course none of us here and our DC should ever have had to go through any of the pain these selfish men have caused at all :( .

Dolly..thought you might be interested in this

First time I pasted that link it had a comment in the middle from an email of mine discussing new carpet??????? How did that get there? I mailed yesterday and cut link in its entirety?

Thank you Toothbrush. Your life sounds amazing! I hope to post something like that one day.
Last night was bad. I didn't remain dignified. I got too pissed and went off on one and let him see me fall apart a little. He is shocked that I am filing for divorce after less than 2 weeks I know why, it's cos he still thinks he'll be able to worm his way back in if he changes his mind, but at the moment he's sticking with his decision. I can't wait to tell him to stick it if he comes crawling back. So anyway I was pissed and late to bed again, DD2 up at 1.30am then up for day at 5am. So I really need to pull myself together, spend a few evenings in on my own having early nights so I can be for for the girls. I'm being too selfish at the moment it's not fair on them.
Am now at mums, DD1 at pre school DD2 downstairs with mum whilst I have come up to try and get some sleep. Feeling like a train wreck and so so sad

Dolly, would you be able to stay with your parents for a few days? It might do you the world of good and the dc might enjoy it.

And he WILL come crawling back.

I'm not surprised you lost it with him. It is hard to stay calm when faced with a man who has done such a disgraceful thing as him, making the 3 people he is supposed to love and protect feel vulnerable and deserted.
Yet he is the one who seems to have come out on top, but he hasn't dolly. His family, friends, work colleagues, everyone who knows him, will see him for the selfish, deceitful, spineless little shit he is. However, you my girl, will be the real winner in all this. It's you who will be seen as the hero, the person who held it all together, the person who stayed strong for her girls. You will be happy again. And when you finally meet and fall in love again, it will be a much better, happier and fulfilling relationship than he will ever have with his ow.
It's going to be ok honey x x

Dolly - I had the same conversation with my STBXH three weeks running, the last time the night before my solicitors appointment. Each time I said to him, are you sure, you really dont love me and there is no point in trying again. Each time he said yes. It was like a knife in my heart, but it made me certain that I had to file for divorce. So I filed 3 weeks after he finally ended it by writing me a nasty letter. I could have been divorced 3 months later, but wanted to wait for the financials to be sorted out, so it should be going through this week or next.

My friend filed for divorce, put in on hold at her husband's request, then he messed her around a lot, fucked her life completely and left again. So two years later, I will be divorced before she is and she really really wishes that she had gone ahead at the time rather than it still be going on now.

If you are certain that its what you want and that even if he did change his mind you would not forgive him, then you are doing the right thing in cracking on with it.

I liken it to ripping off a sticky plaster. Do it quick for instant pain that you can forget about, or do it slowly and drag the pain out.....

Dolly, you are so NOT being selfish! You are not the one that walked out. You are doing your best for your girls. It's totally understandable that you are not operating at 100% at the moment, you've had a massive shock and your life is not what you thought it was. Make the most of having your mum look after the DC and look after yourself.

You will find it easier to deal with your ex. The last time I lost it with exP was when I had a text from him saying he was not going to pay as much maintenance as he'd previously agreed. I phoned him up and gave it to him both barrels. Did not bloody good at all though! I don't bother ranting and raving now, that only works if someone is actually bothered about your feelings and opinions. He's clearly not so I communicate as little as possible now and with no friendliness at all.

Your ex is a scumbag. You are a good, caring mother with lots of supportive family and friends. Guess who's going to end up with the happier life? I don't believe in karma but I do believe that you get back what you put out. He's got a whole heap of shit due to him. You've got a whole load of love and compassion raining down on you.

Oh darling of course you lost it how could you not don't foget we are trying to help you feel better so we aren't likely to tell you our bad stories.
alright then I was devastated at times and just wanted life to go back to normal but at the same time knew that wasn't possible for many reasons.
You are right to do damage limitation too you don't want to fall apart do you?
I would really consider the no contact thing. Having him in your house doing normal things like putting dd to bed isn't good for your mind.
I used to get my hopes up and then when he left and seemed happy to do do I felt upset and anxious it was like picking at a scab. Please consider it. I also think I felt better when I stopped being so bloody reasonable and acted like the betrayed person I was eg alloof and mildly irritated.
Can you have a night out?
I went out with my new figure and funky new hair do and got lots of male attention. Made me feel that I was still attractive and would not be alone for ever.
I later enjoyed my new found popularity but that's a whole other thread ha

Come on then, Ledkr, give us the goss :o.

Dolly, hope you managed some sleep and are feeling better. Remember, you will have bad days too. Perfectly normal, given what you're going through. Just keep being kind to yourself and take it one day at a time.

Oh Dolly! I wish that was me. It's not. Just a thread I saw which I thought sounded really positive. My life is mundane by comparision however I feel relaxed, feel like I'm being the real me and am loving being divorced. Getting divorced was hard but post div it can be great

Agree that bad days happen. Don't feel less for having one. It's fine. Sounds like you're letting it out which is good. I hope a sleep has helped. Really try and stick to good sleep patterns (I didn't take my own advice....)

I'm going to bed soon I think. I'm surrounded by love and support which is helping immensely. However my mum told me today that they didn't want to tell me earlier but my DBIL saw H and his big noses girlfriend together shopping on Saturday afternoon in my local town. So she'd obv been waiting for him somewhere local that morning for him to finish with his visit and off he went to her. I mean ffs she lives 30 miles away why the fuck come and swan around on my doorstep?? Fucking selfish unthinking prick. What if me and DD'S had gone and bumped into them? His response was I'm not apologising for it I knew you weren't going to be there so I didn't see a problem. PRICK!!!

Have been lurking...just want to add my voice to those who are saying put some boundaries down wrt coming in the house etc.
You have to, as he clearly has none...
Bringing next woman along while he plays dad...
Going shopping after, make a day of it.
Words fail me really...utterly selfish prick.

It may seem like they are doing ok, but they have fuck all..
She has bagged herself a cheating husband, and he someone who thinks that's acceptable behaviour.
The foundation is rotton.
Makes me feel a bit sick.
Cut him off as far as possible, don't get mixed up in that madness.
You are clearly made of something else, with backbone, morals, dignity, and courage...rooting for you to come through.
Sleep well,, a clear conscience is a soft pillow. Xx

And why did bil and dm feel the need to inform you of that eh?
I used to cut people off and say sorry I don't talk about my ex thanks!
Hope you sleep well.

Creme egg don't be so nosey, ill tell you one day, twill make your hair curl lol

Im sorry you are hurting.

Im sorry you have not slept well

Im sorry your mum told you that as you didnt need to know.

Im sorry you contacted your ex and got an answer you didnt like

BUT

you no longer get to control what this man does.

You dont get a say in what 'they' do or do not do

You have no right to know what he does anymore as long as he sticks to the contact arrangments with his children and meets his financal agreements you dont get to know or have a say in what he does or does not do.

Its shit, it hurts and its unfair all of it. To you and your children but thats the new rules of the situation he put you in. You have learned that he lies to you, he cheats, he is selfish and most importantly he no longer care about you, your feeling or your rights.

I like the quote "when your going through hell,keep going". You are strong, you are smart and you have your own family. You have people that love you and care about you. You have a good future ahead of you even if you dont feel like it right now.

You are doing the best you can in shitty circumstances. You are being there for your children. You are putting their needs first. You are making sure they have a stable home environment. You are doing a good job.

Sleep, eat and get out for a walk or to a group or talj to another adult each day. Look after yourself. Take all the offer of help you can get. Have faith in yourself that you deserve better and so do your girls.

It will get better but dont tourcher yourself with thinking what he is up to or what he has done now or what he will do next as you cant control that and it will just hurt you. Easier said then done i know.

You have handle this as well as you could have and you are doing fine. You have nothing to feel bad about. Your children love you.

It will get better but give it time and take one day at a time. You can do this and get thru this.

I agree with the last post but do think it's all these little stages that knock you down. At each point that he lets you down with some shitty behaviour you will fill a mix of horror at what he has done, the fact he doesn't either care or realise the effect of his behaviour, the fact other people cannot protect you from experiencing this and might unwittingly add to it.

Someone earlier said its best to hear it all now and I kind of know what she means. A drip feed of hurts, betrayals etc doesn't give you the chance to get over it.

As previous poster says you do have to accept new terms. The new terms are that he can and will do what he likes. He might do the right thing. He might not.

The only only good thing of knowing (and accepting) this early on, is that your lack of trust & respect will strengthen your backbone (when inclined to remember the good times) ...and make you stand firm over issues that matter. Don't trust him. Don't give him an inch. Don't assume he will put his DC first ever. There are too many of us who can tell you otherwise.

The hurt ... There are no easy solutions. I think taking a day at a time, knowing it will not always be like this, enjoy the DC, talk, walk, sleep and eat well. Look after yourself. Force yourself to care about yourself....make up, clothes, whatever makes you feel worth something. Oh ...and get a brilliant solicitor.

AnEerieAirOfHorror is right - that's good advice.

Dignity or drama - you can't have both at the same time.

Understand that he is ahead of you in terms of emotional adjustment. This is a difficult time, you are on the back foot, playing catch-up with his plans.

Dolly is there any way you can organise contact without him coming to your home? It's really not going to work very well if you continue in this way - it will just add to the emotional hardship for you. Could you perhaps take your DDs to your mum's every Saturday morning and insist he sees them there?

I know you are concerned for your DDs but I'm not sure how seeing them in their own home will help the situation evolve in the medium to long-term. It'll get harder and harder.

Have you spoken to your GP about what you're going through? (Sorry, this thread is long and I am not up to date). You are going through emotions similar to a bereavement only it's worse than that - the cause of your trauma is still around, and it is so hard to exercise control.

Understand that the best form of control you have is not reacting, and not displaying your emotional turmoil to him.

You have done the right thing in getting the divorce process going. Feel free to PM me if there any legal/emotional aspects you would like to discuss further.

Dolly, the Twunt is showing classic defensive actions in his attitude. He knows he's in the wrong but in his world it's not his fault. It's really, really hard, but you have to try not to react with him, it justifies to him what an unhinged bitch you are and how he's made the right decision by leaving. Crap, hey - but that's how they work; they need some sort of justification for doing what they've done. He is NOT your husband any more, his choice, but your life and your girls are now what your life is all about.

He is an absolute classic arse, so wrapped up in his own deceit and misery that it's now becoming yours. DO NOT LET IT OR HIM DO THIS TO YOU

Look how much love and support you have from your family, friends (and us cyber-friends on here). He doesn't have a fraction of that and it will hurt him to know that.

As for your mum telling you about him and his latest squeeze - to be fair, if she hadn't have mentioned it and you'd have found out at some point that she'd seen them, you probably would have wanted to know why she didn't tell you! Your emotions are going to be all over the place and up and down for some time to come, it's part of the grieving process. And like olgaga said, you are grieving like you've had a bereavement only believe me, it is so much worse because he's still around, there isn't a body to dispose of (yet ).

When things like this happened to me - ie friends advising me my ex was seen in the village, or at the doctors, at first I totally freaked out and wanted to go see the doctor and tell him to get him off his books. Then I realised how sad he was to have to come back to where his life had been - and knowing he would feel that made me stronger.

I had to sell the marital home earlier this year since could not afford to keep it going on my own (he pays nothing, doesn't seem to think now his daughter is at uni that she needs a roof over her head ) and moved 5 miles down the road. Sad, but necessary and now I rejoice in MY new little cottage that I rent and my new life. My friends back in the old village spit feathers when he's seen around with his girlfriend, but I know how awkward he feels and that is all the satisfaction I need.

"Absolute classic arse" LifeMovesOn has nailed it.

Dolly hope you're feeling stronger today.

Hope you are ok today dolly.