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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has been having an affair and is leaving me

828 replies

DaydreamDolly · 08/10/2012 02:19

I can't believe I'm writing this. 2 DD's youngest 6 months. Been going on 2 yrs on and off. He loves her. I'm devastated. What am I going to do? He told me at 10pm so I haven't told anyone in RL yet.

OP posts:
skyebluezombie · 16/10/2012 18:54

I once read on another thread that one MN got revenge by putting an ad in the paper with OW mobile number on it. The advert.....

Bitch free to good home

Apparently she had lots of calls Grin

I was very tempted but didnt dare do it, lol Grin

More seriously - OW texted me (when I thought that we were friends) and said that Twunt said "that I always looked so miserable to see him and it would be nice if I could look pleased to see him". So because I was so bloody desperate to get him back I plastered a grin on my face and tried really hard... Now I look back and wish I had just punched him in the face instead Grin

My poor DD spent her first weekend with twunt in his new house this weekend and didnt want to sleepover with him. I encouraged her to but inside I was glad that it must hurt him that she would rather be with me..... She stayed and was OK but is saying that she doesnt want to sleepover again.

Poor little girl came home and said I miss you when Im with Daddy, but I miss Daddy when Im with you ... :(

You are doing so very well Dolly. I keep saying it, but you are. Please just ignore his twattish texts and laugh at them like the twat he is. I lost 3 stone in a matter of weeks after twunt left as all I could eat each day was a banana.... Everybody tells me that Im looking good now..

deleted203 · 16/10/2012 20:14

Just checking in Dolly, and you are still doing really well. Agree with poster who has said not to speak about anything other than DDs. Well done on ignoring his stupid text! It wasn't anything that required a reply. With my ex, the only thing I would discuss were very simple arrangements such as 'what time will you be picking up the children?'. Anything else I would simply ignore on the grounds that it wasn't any of his business to ask me how I was feeling, etc. I didn't reply to any of the texts telling me he missed me, or that I was looking good. Ignored anything that asked me what I was doing, and completely ignored texts ranting at me calling me a bitch, etc. Believe me it is FAR more effective than getting into any kind of dialogue with him - as someone else said, he wants to feel he is still in control of you, or still part of your life, or that he still has the right to make these kind of comments to you. The best way I found was to try and think of him as the taxi driver who was picking my children up for something. And therefore conversations such as 'what are you doing' or 'you look good' were not appropriate to have with him. Stay strong and have a good evening Smile

Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 16/10/2012 20:44

You lot are like my cheerleaders! I have you all in mind when I have to speak to him! The support here is invaluable. I have my 3 girlfriends here again tonight for pizza (them) and wine (me)
He has told his dad this evening and I have had a very emotional phone conversation win him (DFIL) who truly is a fantastic man and is so upset. Sad He is incredulous but obviously has to support his son but he says not at the detriment to his relationship with me. Told me he loves me like his own Sad Lovely man.

OP posts:
skyebluezombie · 16/10/2012 20:48

ooh, dont say that Dolly. We all got told off for waving pompoms on Lou's thread Grin

Lovely conversation to have with your FIL. I am similar with my BIL. Obviously he has to support twunt, but he doesnt understand or condone what he has done. I rang my MIL twice after the split and never heard from her again! (No great loss though.....)

I had friends round for wine and pizza on Saturday before going out and it was great.

My Absolute should be through this week. 6 months ago, I was in little pieces on the ground. Today I am planning a future and am reasonably happy.

You will get there too Dolly xx

deleted203 · 16/10/2012 21:23

Well done FIL! Of course he is their son and they will always love him - but they don't have to agree with his choice of action. He sounds a very nice man. Sorry about your MIL skye. My ex MIL is actually the best thing I got out of my marriage (apart from DCs naturally) and she was terrifically supportive to me and kids. (Although I had to grit my teeth when she still clearly thought son shone out of her DSs arse). But she babysat several nights a week to allow me to work and was never, ever critical of me. It IS possible to remain on good terms with in-laws (provided you want to and they are reasonable people). Skye - really pleased to hear you are planning a future.

Now girls, all together.....'give us a D (D!) give us an O (O!) gives us an L (L!) give us an L (L!) gives us a Y (Y!) YEAH DOLLY! Grin

Agnesinroom25 · 16/10/2012 23:14

First thing I do when I log in Dolly, is check on this thread. You are an amazing role model for your girls they are going to think their mum rocks when they are older.

Hope you have a good sleep xx

ledkr · 16/10/2012 23:25

Hi dolly just poppin by a little drink after my birthday drinks. It's lovely to be able to help someone who feels as shit as we did once, I guess it makes it all worth it x
Another day done clever girl

Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 17/10/2012 00:02

That strangers care is the most humbling thing. We need to have a great big meet, the scorned wives who came out on top meet!

OP posts:
ToothbrushThief · 17/10/2012 07:24

I don't see myself as scorned

I think I made a mistake and chose an inadequate. What's more..it was me who petitioned for divorce. It was him who was shocked when we did divorce.

He's not scorning you Dolly. He's just moving you into a compartment of 'mother of my children' and has filled vacancy for sex provider.

The timing of his behaviour and the fact he thinks its acceptable to flirt indicate to me that he still regards you as his property. When you petition and remove his rights he will be the one feeling scorned.
That action really will wipe the smile off his face..

I completed my divorce in under 4 months. Huge step forward. How do you feel about taking that action?

ToothbrushThief · 17/10/2012 07:24

Has she got any children btw?

ledkr · 17/10/2012 07:50

I felt scorned at first, I felt old and fat and ugly. I felt discarded like an old sock.
Now I realise that on fact I was too strong and intelligent for him and ow has just inherited all his faults.
I realised that of have never had the guts to leave and have the fantastic life I have had since so he did do me a huge favor.

Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 17/10/2012 08:22

Toothbrush. I think it's the only option so yes, I will file for divorce on the ground of adultery. The solicitor I saw yesterday is writing to me to outline her costs to do this. According to her he should meet the legal fees.
The OW has no children. I wonder if she wants any? He doesn't. He didn't really want to have our children although he loves them dearly. I asked him if she wanted kids and he didn't know. Deep relationship eh?! What a joke.
I have woken up this morning with a massive cold sore. So much for looking good this evening Blush
DD1 woke in the night, she had a nightmare. That woke DD2 so I was up for an hour then up for the day at 6am. Tired days are so much worse.
Ledkr, happy birthday was it yesterday? X

OP posts:
Agnesinroom25 · 17/10/2012 08:49

The coldsore is stress I had loads for a while. You can buy patches that heal them quicker and disguise them.
One day at a time Dolly x

Haahoostory · 17/10/2012 09:31

Be strong today dolly. He really is a first class twunt. I hope your older daughter is ok and you're managing ok with them both. That must be so hard, when you've been used to him helping you in the evenings and on the weekends. Keep going! And stay strong - I think you are amazing.
It's good he doesn't want anymore children, that'll mean he stays focused on his 2 beautiful girls and being the best father he can be to them.
Stick an extra layer of mascara on and keep your posture nice and tall. And don't engage in small talk. Go dolly! X x

CremeEggThief · 17/10/2012 09:41

Yep, get rid of him ASAP today.

4 months on, I still haven't filed for divorce. Why? Because it's what he has been trying to force me into. In fact, he even broke the news he was leaving me for someone else to me as, "I want a divorce. I'm not happy and I think I can be happier with someone else" Shock

So for me, not filing for divorce until I want to is my way of taking back control. He is the one in a hurry. Well you know what? The divorce happens when I want it to and not before!

LifeMovesOn · 17/10/2012 10:36

Cremeeggthief - good going, I was the same. I started MY divorce on the grounds of his adulterty when I was ready. And the day my Absolute came through I was so happy. That saddened me though, since when I married I thought it was for life. Then I realised that it was for me, but not for him and his loss! So I rejoiced some more and all my friends and family rejoiced with me.

ledkr - I felt exactly the same, too Sad. Not any more Smile.

Dolly - have a good day, sorry you had another rough night x

Doha · 17/10/2012 10:42

Don't ask him any more questions about his new relationship because he will enjoy the control and the interest you are taking in him. It is better to stay aloof and disinterested.
Do not tell him of your plans to divorce, let in come as a surprise-you have no need to tell him that he will have to pay for the divore hahahaha.
Discuss the kids only nothing more nothing less. The more you disengageand appear to move on the less appealing his new relationship will be when the drama and interest have waned.
Chin up Dolly, your doing great and we are all behind you ( me with a massive club in my hands) Smile

MyDonkeysAZombie · 17/10/2012 10:43

Glad your DFIL has phoned you, Dolly, he sounds a decent sort.

Am sure your friends were a tonic, shame your sleep was disturbed.

(Happy birthday for yesterday, Ledkr!).

Doha · 17/10/2012 10:47

oops soory for ignoring you Ledkr

belated happy birthday----another year older another year wiser Smile

janey1234 · 17/10/2012 11:27

Big (hugs)dolly - just read this thread and had to say you are AMAZING, you really are.

Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 17/10/2012 12:38

Thanks Janey. I don't feel it at the moment I feel bloody knackered. Loving the weight loss though, it's a definite perk! I'm lighter than I was pre pregnancy Grin

OP posts:
blackcurrants · 17/10/2012 15:08

Just checking in to say you're doing bloody brilliantly, Dolly - and milk that light free feeling -that's because you've lost approx 12 stone of dickhead from your life. Doesn't it feel good?

[quick hugs]

ledkr · 17/10/2012 16:17

Thanks for the birthday wishes. Had a lovely day which is another bonus of losing the ex he never even got me a card from the dc new dh goes to town with pressies cards and meal out with all my family.

To be honest the less detail you have re their relationship the less you can torment yourself with. Stay in your nice bubble.

Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 17/10/2012 19:43

Ledkr thank you I needed to hear that re details of their relationship. He's here now putting DD1 to bed and that strengthened my resolve to ask. Although I have noticed he now has a new door key on his set of keys. Prick. Ill update once he's gone. Which will be bloody soon if I have my way

OP posts:
Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 17/10/2012 19:43

'Not to ask' that is!

OP posts: