My husband has been having an affair and is leaving me

[DaydreamDolly]

I can't believe I'm writing this. 2 DD's youngest 6 months. Been going on 2 yrs on and off. He loves her. I'm devastated. What am I going to do? He told me at 10pm so I haven't told anyone in RL yet.

The things he comes out with!

I am sure you will be calm and cool and dignified and fabulous.

It's a lot for your DD to take in.
I expect wise MNetters will know, I am sure there are picturebooks aimed at 3 year olds you can read to your eldest to help her understand part of what's happening, sorry if that's been suggested upthread.

One week after dropping the bomb my exH said:' I really wish I can see you happy and smiling again one day'.... So my miserable messy face was giving him even more power and satisfaction, I was suffering and crying while OW was there having a laugh behind my back and making plans for the future...but once I got over it all, and was leading a normal happy life again, he came back in the picture trying to blame me for moving on and forgetting about him (he was already cheating at OW at this point) and when I told him to fuck off he tried to make me feel guilty for been so rude to poor him. OP you must be looking absolutely fabulous every time you see him, I would even go as far as borrow money (better yet ask him for money) just to buy fabulous new clothes to suit your new figure, it doesn't matter if it is 2nd hand/charity shop or ebay, buy outfits he never saw before and make you look and specially feel amazing. My xH hated when I got my nails done and put make up on, if I knew any better at that time that would be exactly what I should have done on daily basis just to make an statement that his opinions no longer count and I was taking control back...but in reality he made me shave my hair (the hair he adored before) just because he didn't like it anymore. And he made me shave my hair 2 weeks before dumping me, and because I sensed something was wrong I would have done anything to fix the relationship but he leaving - actually demanded me to leave - was still a big shock, even though there was a tiny bit of relief. If you feel a bit of relief for not been with him hang onto this at all times.

"you're looking good separation suits you"

A day will come when you will look back and laugh, with derision, at that.

What a knobhead!

"you're looking good separation suits you"

answer - " Well you look like shit, doesn't suit you at all"

Should have said:

"Well you look like shit, the guilt at what you've done to your lovely family doesn't suit you at all"

Shit ladies...making you shave your hair, flirting with you after leaving, still using you as a confidante and 'mummy replacement' (for them)........some of these guys know no limits.

This stuff is all about 'marking' women as their possessions. It is the typical behaviour of a philanderer (by which I mean the sort of man who has a number of affairs, and not a one off). The Frank Pittman book in infidelity describes this sort of personality to a T, and includes all the elements you have described.

The other point he makes about philanderers is that underneath it all the dislike women, because they fear them.

they

Oh dear how patronising. Try not to overdo it or he will think in his silly mind that you are trying to tempt him back. I perfected the art of looking subtly gorgeous glowing skin long eyelashes and a dab of gloss. Funky but casual clothes eg nice jeans and understated t shirt.
I re invented myself and them met and married a young hunk Imagine my ex face when he saw him especially as one of his probs was he hated getting old.
Your time will come my friend x

Why do they hate women? I must read that book.

"You're looking good, separation suits you"

"Don't say things like that, people might think you're a dickhead"

Why do they hate women? I must read that book.

what book? Did I miss something?

Fiveand three said up post:'The Frank Pittman book in infidelity describes this sort of personality to a T, and includes all the elements you have described'

From what I remember, Pittman identifies 3 types of affair haver, of which the philanderer is one. That type feels uncomfortable and over competitive around other men, and tends to see women as possessions.That types is often the type of bloke who has a madonna/whore thing going, too. So for example, and excuse me here Dolly, Dolly's h is still trying to use her services for friendly and domestic reassurance, as that is what he took from her or sees her as, now she is a mother.

So he needed a new whore (as he has unnaturally split women into madonna and whore types); hence the affair. But he can still get 'mothering' from her.

The book is:

www.amazon.co.uk/Private-Lies-Infidelity-Betrayal-Intimacy/dp/0393307077

I read several books on infidelity after discovering my h at it.

I think the Shirley Glass one, often quoted, is great for supporting women post affair and helping them to understand and move forward, but the Pittman one is really good too, as it is written by a man who is also a psychiatrist and therapist with many years counselling experience, and he is good at diagnosing men and why they have done it.

Huuuuumm I didn't have a child with my cheating xH so maybe he wasn't a philanderer even though he was a serial cheater never satisfied with only 1 woman. No woman was perfect enough for him as he obviously deserved soooo much better than us all put together.

popcorn, that is a philanderering mentality, though.

100% delusional

I've just had almost exactly the same text Dolly - "tell [DD2] that daddy loves her very much". Clearly not enough to stop shagging other people and be a proper father though!

Funnily enough my STBXH looks like crap too! He used to look quite handsome but now every time I look at him I think he looks like Frank Gallagher from Shameless - slightly unkempt and permanently looking hungover.

On the other hand I've had my hair coloured and cut, my nails are looking tip top, I've lost weight and am out of the maternity wear now.

And whereas he's basically shutting out the world and hardly speaks to his friends and family since this has happened, I've found a lovely network of people who have always been there in the background but are now a great source of friendship and support.

It's hard with the kids. My eldest (6) gets upset every time daddy leaves and asks all sorts of questions about why daddy isn't here. My 2 yr sometimes goes from room to room looking for him and then asks "where's daddy gone". It's heartbreaking really.

To be honest McB, it is self serving and self pitying claptrap from childlike men. I bet you were tempted to text back telling him to fuck off and tell her himself, if he ever finds the time in his busy life. And then to have a good speech on the subject prepared for her when she criticises him as an adult.

Hurrah for Dolly and McB :).

Just went to the gym and Body Combat for the first time since before finding out 4 months ago. No prices for guessing who my imaginary opponent was!

You are all inspirational kickass women, and I bloody love you.

[high-fives and fancy spa visits all round]

I've lost weight (about a stone I think, at least one dress size anyway) after ex P left. He hasn't mentionned it. It's mostly due to stress as I've been eating what I want (and drinking a fair amount of wine!)

Dolly, that's great about DD2 sleeping through and crawling! It must feel weird not to tell him about it. I miss that bit of joint parenting, when DS is in bed and we have a chat about funny things he's said, how great he is generally etc. I phone my mum now for updates like that. She's a doting Granny and is more than happy to hear me whitter on about DS.

You might want to look in the library for some picture books about divorce for DD1. I found one called "Mum and Dad Glue" that was good. It's pretty harrowing though and I couldn't get through it without choking up.

I'm just catching up with your news, Dolly - and all the others in our situation. You are doing fantastically well - don't ever doubt it!

The way you're still communicating with him - like saying "I'm in the bath" in a text to him - it's opening yourself up to him making comments like he did. I know it's really hard, but try and be as non-emotive, personal as you possibly can. Look upon it as a business arrangement almost. Yep, I know he (was) your husband - he's chosen not to be any more. He's now with the OW (and bloody good luck to her ).

With regards the job, I agree with others that if possible, try and do one, even if it's not what you're doing presently (if only to get a bit of adult interaction!) And if things are so bad with this company, is it worth waiting for any redundancy (would you get a good payout?). It is liberating having that little bit of money as your own.

I was so desperate to confront my ex-'s whore that all logical thought went out of my brain. Three years down the line (three years tomorrow I do believe ) I am so, so glad I didn't. I wouldn't give either of them the satisfaction of seeing how betrayed, angry, hurt, devastated. Neither of them were worth that (and still aren't, she is long gone). Thank god for my friends who made sure I didn't even go out on my own when I got (apparently) that glint in my eye. That and the fact she lives 3.5-4 hours drive from me!

It is so hard at the moment, all the different emotions going through you. But they all help to make you see what a complete and utter loser/tosser/fuckwit/arse - all the words he deserves. He's probably not happy and he's right when he says to you that he's made his bed, he's got to lie in it. He seems to like saying that, almost waiting for you to say how much you still love him, forgive him and please come home. That's what he's waiting for. He's just biding his time with his fantasy woman (as he's made his bed.....). They're still living in their fantasy world and it will hit him one day what he's lost, especially his children.

Good luck when he comes over tomorrow - look your best, don't speak to him any more than about the children (and any financial matters - but please get anything financial confirmed on email from him, even if it's you sending to him).

Ill reply properly later but just want to say you ladies are all such an inspiration to me. Thank you all for posting your stories xx

He really is a deluded arse. Ignore ignore. I found my ex getting more and more frantic the less reaction he got from me. The idea that my life didn't hinge on him was really shocking to him.

Re DC - have you told them how things are (sorry if you've covered this)

Mine (older to be fair) said they'd rather have known more. They will ask. It's normal and they're working stuff out. They will be sad. That's normal. DC do recover amazingly well though. The younger the better, I reckon as well.