My husband has been having an affair and is leaving me

[DaydreamDolly]

I can't believe I'm writing this. 2 DD's youngest 6 months. Been going on 2 yrs on and off. He loves her. I'm devastated. What am I going to do? He told me at 10pm so I haven't told anyone in RL yet.

It is grief, and shock. It's horrible when you think you were in a happy relationship and the other person has effectively checked out.

I found it very difficult to spend time with my (happily married) friends after exP and I split up. All their talk of their husbands (just normal everyday things, nothing out of the ordinary) made me so jealous I felt sick. I got over it fairly quickly though. I do still feel jealous and miss the companionship of a relationship but the pain does get better, I promise.

Sob if you need to. Let it out.

Cubiclejockey, one of my friends had an affair with a man in a relationship. He left his girlfriend and is now with her. She says she feels incredibly guilty and is always looking over her shoulder. She can't trust him properly. That's the kind of relationship you have with someone you know if capable of an affair -not great really.

Dolly - I am so sorry. I just don't think men leave until they've got it all set up somewhere else which is why it always seem they move on quickly - (unless they get found out and chucked out). I was horrified and devastated at the planning that had gone into leaving me - and how the new life was there already to be lived. I felt like I'd been in a car crash.

It's hard and it does hurt and I'm so sorry. I wish I had cleverer things to say. It's baby steps towards a new life which is there for you, in time. Surround yourself with friends and people who love you and get some proper hugs and cry on them if you need to.

I became a self help book junkie . Not for everyone but a few of the heartbreak ones did help me feel stronger. I'll go and look at the bookshelf!

Dolly - so much experience on here. No one ever thinks it will happen to them, that they will become that cliche; because no one ever picks a man to love that they think is capable of this. Shakes your faith in human nature as well as giving you a bereavement and many other practical issues to deal with.

I don't think anyone can tell you that the next few months will be easy but we can tell you that you will get through it and there will be a bright future for you.

My life has had more ups since divorce than I had whilst married. I regret staying married for so long (I took him back after a fling) I don't regret divorcing him

I regret some humiliating behaviour when I was distressed, desperate and trying to make things alright. I think we all want you to find your way through the mess in as wholesome way as possible. It can never be easy but there are better and worse ways to do it

So sad. It's like a bereavement really - you have suffered an appalling shock. I'm pleased you've organised a GP appointment. Keep coming back here, and take each day as it comes.

It's deeply upsetting but you will manage Dolly.

I hope you manage some sleep tonight. You can do it for you and your girls. I guess just take 1 day at a time. Keep reaching out to people in rl and on here. We are all thinking of you x

Hope you are doing ok Dolly

Evening Dolly, we're all still here. Sounds like a bad day...?
I will never forget the acute pain that I imagine you're feeling now. You're probably in the most intense phase and you've got a lot of catching up to do. He's had this mapped out for awhile and you're being forced to move fast and mentally that's exhausting.
However, you will soon catch up and overtake him. I found myself living the most authentic, fulfilled and rewarding life post my ExH leaving. I swear it turned me into a better person and a better parent. The pain will go.
In the meantime, a warm indulgent bath, glass of vino or warm milk, a hot water bottle (or Jasper), and bed. Learn some relaxation techniques. (There handy to have when he starts spouting more shite in weeks to come )
Try and sleep, the darkest hour is just before dawn.

Dolly take strength from so many of us who were ther like you before. Just know that there is an end to it eventually and you will be happy again one day. In the meantime this is a sad and vile time in your life but only temporary and you will be on here one day soon giving wisdom to some other poor woman who feels the same as you do now.
Everyday that passes is another one ticked off until you feel normal again.
Don't think about them being all loved up together think of how insecure she will be with him knowing he's a big cheating arse.

So sorry Dolly

Be kind to yourself. Surround yourself with your good friends and family. Allow yourself to mourn the loss of what you once had, this is natural.

So sorry you are going through this, it's yet another stepping stone on your way to recovery.

x

And don't forget how bloody well you've done so far. You are allowed your down days, today marked another hurdle to climb, you have done so with such dignity.

I found myself living the most authentic, fulfilled and rewarding life, post my ExH leaving. I swear it turned me into a better person and a better parent

This. Exactly this. My soul is peaceful if that makes any sense.

(The initial months were shite though.... )

Hope you're managing to get some rest Dolly, and that this evening was a little more gentle for you x

Thank you thank you and thank you again everyone for still posting. You're a lifeline. Had 2 of my friend/neighbours round tonight and really enjoyed it. It lifted me and made me realise he's been spouting shit shit shit about making a mistake etc, if he meant it he'd already be begging and he's not. He's making arrangements for them to move into a flat together 'nearer the girls' well she's getting nowhere near them for a long time, how confusing for DD1! I am not putting her through that. Have decided DD1 out of sorts because I'm out of sorts, not because she misses her daddy. He was away such a lot she's not seen much less of him this week. So ill pull myself together and get on with it. Thinking of them together tonight actually now doesn't bother me. She'll be the one soon lying in bed wondering where he is. Not me.
Jasper is adorable and such a great distraction! Have put him to bed with a cosy blanket and ticking watch to emulate litter mates heart beats, how daft is that

You know the saying Dolly?
The best revenge you can have on the OW is to let her keep him. :)
You sound so strong and together you wil be fine.

Glad you have had a good night with friends. Its exactly what you need. and yes, if he wanted you back he would be round begging. Lou's Chunt did the same to her, I love you, you will never forgive me, blah blah blah, after moving out every single bloody thing he owned......

My twunt announced he didnt love me, then walked out, then said things like give me 3 or 6 months, who knows I might change my mind. and like a fool I begged him to give me another chance, I would do anything, be whatever he wanted me to be..... Once the shock wore off, I saw him for the twat he was. Never change yourself for anyone.....

My DD 4yo still announces every now and then that she misses Daddy, particularly to strangers, she announces that he went to live somewhere else. When he first left it broke my heart to hear it, but now its ok. I just keep assuring her that I love her and that Daddy loves her. When she is old enough, she will understand for herself what happened, as will your DD, but the important now is to not trash her Dad in front of her (I know its really hard not to.........).

Im glad that the new man in your life is settling in well (Jasper)

Yes the burden will now shift to her shoulders, let her wonder where he is, let her wonder if he's telling the truth or not, after all he has form!

Jasper sounds just the tonic you all need right now, bless him, he sounds adorable

I am a lot younger than most people on here, and way inexperienced in terms of relationships- but I hope that if something like this was to ever happen to me, I could deal with it with as much grace and poise as Dolly has.

Have fun snuggly kitten times, hug your babies and be thankful that you found out H was a twat sooner rather than later. Now once you get through all this shit, you will have a brilliant new life waiting for you.

OW does not have that. She has let herself in for a life of looking over her shoulder, wondering who he's texting and knowing that if she builds a life with him- there will be a seriously heightened chance of him throwing it all away for some slapper.

It may not seem it now, but you're the lucky one. x

Hi there I m in a similar situation with 3dc aged 5, 3, 1 but a few months down the line. It s so much better, children more settled, established and surprisingly kept to contact routine between h and dcs. I got some great advice from mumsnetters and I ve had an initial meeting with solicitor which shed some light on necessary procedures and what I m entitled to. My soon to be ex h is volatile so it can be hard work at times. I go to Relate for counselling every two weeks and that's really helped. It's shitty but it does get easier. Slowly my situation became less daunting. Relate was very good for me to think through boundaries regarding me the children and my ex. Ex often took advantage if me wanting him back but now I have set strong boundaries which he finally is asking seriously. Don t get me wrong, I still often fantasise about what I m going to do to the ow when I first meet her but I'm generally i m more calm now than before. And let's remember now the ow has moved into the 'wife' position there's a vacancy..........(LOL!) keep strong and hold your nerve xxxx

Sorry bout typos! I meant' ....took advantage of me.....' And '.....finally is taking seriously...'

I feel angry this morning. I realise why he wants to see the kids in the morning. It's cos the Grand Prix is on at 1pm so they can have a nice cosy afternoon watching it can't they. Bastards.

Hi Dolly

It's totally normal to feel angry about everything and so hurt. You wouldn't be human if you didn't! I think others are right when they say now the ow is the partner there is a vacancy!!.. he won't be able to help himself and there will be someone else.

It's amazing how ignorant these men are. About 6 months after my dh left me (no contact in all that time) he then added meon msn messenger saying he thought it would be "nice" if we could be friends!!!! I couldn't believe it. I told him us being friends would be like having a dog that died and being told its ok you can still take it for a walk.... ie not going to happen!!! I also told him he had devastated dd who always saw him as her dad as he'd been there since she was 6 months to 6 years old and then just buggered off completely. His reply? "Oh well I see you're still very bitter". Damn right I was!!!!

Honestly things will get better slowly. What are your plans for the weekend? Jasper sounds lovely :)

Oh Dolly You obviously know him well. Sort of thing me ex would have done.

It's funny how we do nothing without analysing impact on DC (even tolerating painful events from ex) yet they do nothing without analysing impact in them.

Wonder how he feels at being replaced by a kitten. Must hurt your ego

Hi Dolly,

The Grand Prix (qualifying) at 1pm is a repeat from this morning so you can ruin it all by casually mentioning the results....

I know it's a small thing but I hate it when I find out before watching as totally ruins it

I haven't watched it yet thought MN was a safe place to hang out to avoid result

You are amazing, stay strong.

I've just read the whole thread Dolly, and you've got some amazing support and advice on here, but I couldn't just read and run.

You are a strong lady, already you are coping well. When I kicked Twunt out after 22 years of marriage because he was slowly destroying me with his lies and appalling treatment of me, I felt like I'd been hit by a train.

It is a bereavement, and in some ways, it's harder, because the person who caused all the pain is still around, and not only that, they're living a new life and appear to have all the answers, and be unscathed. Like they've walked away from a fatal car crash without a mark on them. But please believe me - things will get better for you and worse for him.

You will recover from this, but it won't be overnight, and it won't be a doddle. But you will get there. You'll have good days, bad days and crap days, and ok days. You'll want to hide under your duvet and sob, you'll want to get your gladrags on and dance until dawn. Probably in the space of a week! I know I did. I was on such a rollercoaster, it was unbelievable. Some days pure adrenalin fuelled by injustice, rage, and 'how the fuck dare he' had me running around, throwing his stuff into bin bags like a duracell bunny on speed. Other days, I sobbed my heart out and felt incredibly weak and pathetic.

All of this has to be gone through - the highs, the lows. Whilst you are recovering, and 18 months on, I'm still having good and bad days, but neither so extreme, he will be in his honeymoon period with OW. This will be like rubbing salt into your wounds. Stay strong through this - remember that it will pass. As you already know, she hasn't exactly won a gold medal nailing this guy. What he did to you, he will surely do to her. Remember that the situation has changed, but the people in the situation are the same. He's the same arsehole who cheated on his wife, she's the same OW who fell for all his crap, and you're the strong woman who's going to get through it all. He will miss you, he will miss his kids. He is not going to come out of this without a scratch on him.

What you have to focus on, is that when he hits rock bottom and realises what he's lost, it will be his problem, and not yours. Do not allow him to guilt trip you with all the tears and angst. His tears, his angst, his problem. Get teflon twunt coated! Do what I do, and ignore, ignore, ignore. Sort out everything legally and through a solicitor, and ignore the texts, ignore all the fall out that he's caused.

Your priority is you. If you are ok, your kids will be ok. Lean on your lovely friends and family, lean on us, lean on counsellors, read Dr Phil, sleep, eat well, and focus on treating yourself as you would your best friend.

My ex is now going through hell, because after 18 months of living 'the dream' with OW, he finally realises what he misses. Shame, huh?

Good luck
Saffysmum x

I love the idea of letting him know the results.
Stop visualising what they are doing, push it from your mind . Watching the Grand Prix doesn't sound romantic to me in those early stages you don't watch tv.
I know this sounds sad but I found weekends hard and used to fill time going to local events like fetes and fairs the kids love it and you get to eat cake ha ha.
I used to have a plan for most days as didn't like too much time to think.
Make contact today brisk and formal. I was so hurt that when I saw the bastard I felt worse so my sisters did the handover for a bit.
Very healing and powerful is no contact.