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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My husband has been having an affair and is leaving me

828 replies

DaydreamDolly · 08/10/2012 02:19

I can't believe I'm writing this. 2 DD's youngest 6 months. Been going on 2 yrs on and off. He loves her. I'm devastated. What am I going to do? He told me at 10pm so I haven't told anyone in RL yet.

OP posts:
AnEerieAirOfHorror · 13/10/2012 09:34

Karmas a bitch dont forget that the OW cheated too so whats to say she want cheat on him and pull the rug from under his feet?

Get on with your new shiny life with your family and the future will be good for you. Then sit back and smile when karma kicks him up the arse lol

AnEerieAirOfHorror · 13/10/2012 09:47

I agree stop thinking about them togeether it will not help you. Have no contact and get the space you need to get your head around the new situation as you cant change it but you can control what you do in your life from now on with no partner to consider.

Feel the freedom you now have.

Think about you. Do you want new clothes, hair style, where do you like going on holiday? Is there a food you like but he didnt so you didnt cook it, if so have it for dinner.

What music do you like? Put on a cd and change the beding and clean your bedroom. Do you want to redecorate it?

Can your mum and dad babysit so you can go out for a meal with friends or to see a film? Or go to a cafe on your own or go swimming or to the gym to give you space and time to find you and to make plans that suit you?

The world is yours reveal in it Grin

ProphetOfDoom · 13/10/2012 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Donkeysdontridebicycles · 13/10/2012 13:16

Hope Jasper provides lots of fun, even when kittens get tired and need rest and conk out they are so adorable.

Hope you get some relaxation yourself, there are practical considerations but for 48 hours let yourself and your little ones nest a while.

PS Did you Google the F1 qualifying heats hope the results didn't slip out when daddy came round Wink.

ToothbrushThief · 13/10/2012 13:27

I'm 2nding and 3rding the no contact strategy. I had to see him for handover and found that stirred it all up every single time. Even e-mails needled me and I had huge angst over how to respond and was usually very angry and bitter and confrontational despite not intending to be so. At the same time as being like this I was often giving him what he wanted either financially or in relation to my DC.

A friend then intercepted my e-mails and replied to them with my thoughts. I used to give them my draft,so a full on rant, you useless tosser, waste of space, inadequate ....you get the picture... And they turned them into an assertive business like communication.

My healing began once I'd limited contact as much as was possible. Your DC need you healed. Even if people tell you that a good relationship with your ex is good for DC ...well yes, but not yet. It might come but not now. Now it is on your terms and personally those terms meant I don't wish to have contact more than necessary. It's more important that you recover.

ProphetOfDoom · 13/10/2012 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LineRunner · 13/10/2012 17:11

May I also endorse No Contact. I am much happier since I saw the light and instigated No Contact at all with my ExH.

He had left me to do all the parenting, yet was using contact with me to undermine and criticise precisely the role he had thrust onto me against my wishes.

I do agree with Toothbrush that you need to start to heal and for that you need peace and calm.

BessieMcBean · 13/10/2012 17:19

Wonderful advice here.

But a bit Confused at this one

The world is yours reveal in it - should OP take up pole dancing? Spose she might find it liberating Wink

ledkr · 13/10/2012 17:39

Why don't you engineer a fortnight of no contact,it made such a difference and disallowed him to be a smug fucker to me.
You will feel much better for it,i promise.

deleted203 · 13/10/2012 20:28

Just checking in to say you're doing really well still, Dolly and that we're all thinking of you. One thing I really enjoyed about Ex leaving was that I could do EXACTLY as I wanted with dcs without hearing his moaning/snide remarks about it. I remember picking them up from school one day and going on the beach (we live at seaside). They had a lovely play, we had fish and chips and an ice-cream and wandered home when we felt like it with me thinking, 'you know....I don't have to worry about getting home and tidying up for some selfish git who will be expecting me to have his tea cooked and who will just criticise all my efforts anyway'. It was very liberating. Hope you've had a good day today.

DaydreamDolly · 14/10/2012 00:02

Sowornout that's how I feel. I as constantly criticised that i even questioned every thing I did and wondered if he'd approve. I know I'm better off alone but it's still very painful and I do still love him.
I have tonight, under no uncertain terms, that as far as I'm concerned there is no going back. I feel better now I've made that clear.

OP posts:
DaydreamDolly · 14/10/2012 00:03

There should have been a 'told him' in there.

OP posts:
blackcurrants · 14/10/2012 01:01

well done, Dolly - from his previous form with texts etc you can probably expect some long sighs and spaniel eyes at some point soon (which is in place of the 'can we try again' you might have got if you hadn't made that as clear as you've just done) - but it's good that you've set out your terms. I just wanted to check in and say I think you're doing brilliantly, people say weekend evenings are the hardest, I hope you've got some good RL support around. Take care of yourself, don't forget to eat. x

theresafire · 14/10/2012 01:05

You are fab Dolly , he is a loser.

Haahoostory · 14/10/2012 07:25

Keep staying strong dolly. He is the loser, he has chosen lust over the true love of his family. He will regret it.

ToothbrushThief · 14/10/2012 07:44

There is no easy way to stop loving. There is no easy way to suddenly be alone when previously partnered. You will get there though.

Revel in the pluses and remind yourself of them think of his worst habits. Be glad they are not yours to endure anymore

I do sowornout's thing of whisking kids off out for surprise outing after school. It's so lovely to plan and it come to something rather than collapse at a negative response.

Half term is coming and I'm thinking of days out with little toothbrush. Really easy to decide... What do you fancy doing? And we do!

In the beginning I did have a bit of inertia and found lack of another adult hard. I think when they are younger lack of another adult is more noticeable My DD was 7 when we split. Can you meet friends and share days out - even if its just meeting for a short time, walk, coffee etc

Keeping busy is really important to stop you dwelling. You'll find he stops entering your thoughts so much.

Minstrelsaremarvellous · 14/10/2012 07:44

Morning Dolly, what have you got planned for the day? Hope you're getting some sleep and eating? Thinking of you

DaydreamDolly · 14/10/2012 08:29

I feel like such a mug, I'm here dealing with the kids and he's in his love nest enjoying a lie in, un rushed sex, leisurely breakfast etc. Then he comes here and collects his children for a few hours of fun and fucks off back to her afterwards. Something tells me he won't regret it and will rather enjoy his new life!
I've been thinking about our lives and realise that he kept me so separate from any socialising he did, it was all 'work' and we never socialised together. I'd suggest a night out and he was really not bothered at all. We didn't go out with other couples as H said he didn't have anything in common with any of them. More like he thinks he's something special and nobody else is.
I can't remember the last time he told me he loved me, without me saying it first.
I should have noticed all these things before shouldn't I. Makes me even more resolved to never, ever take him back.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 14/10/2012 08:43

Don't feel like a mug - as hard as it is, doing the day to day stuff for your kids is what being a parent is all about.

He's being a jolly uncle. It's not the same.

He knows that.

And so do they, unfortunately.

deleted203 · 14/10/2012 08:44

Morning, Dolly. Smile I've just seen F1 results (if you want to spoil his afternoon) and they are:-

  1. Vettel
  2. Webber
  3. Alonso

Grin. Have a good day.

ToothbrushThief · 14/10/2012 08:47

I can remember my DD telling me about ex and new g/f having evenings out, using local gym for saunas and swims, social nights at the pub....whilst I sorted laundry, supervised homework, listened to tantrums (which escalated because DC were unsettled) and struggled to make ends meet.

I wish I could say that is either ok or rare but I think it's fairly typical for many lone parents. Sorry.

The best advice I can give is a blunt 'get over it' :) - I have spent hours bitterly considering how unfair this situation is to me, to the DC and to society. There is no solution. It really is a situation of making sure he pays what you can get him to pay in terms of his financial responsibility and then just accept it and don't waste time on thinking about it.

My eldest doesn't see her Dad by choice. He's apparently gutted by this. (Reap as you sow.) Does this make me happy? No because I still feel a father's role is important to a child and I feel for her because she doesn't have one. It does balance out some of my bitterness at how his life seemed so easy when mine was hard work.

Overall, remember not all men are like this.

I have a new partner. He's a fantastic father to his DC. He offers my youngest DC what she is missing in terms of a father (we all know he isn't her Dad but its nice to have a figure offering that role) He also adores me, treats me, tells me I'm gorgeous, cooks and cleans up after himself. I am still hugely wary of him because I cannot believe a man like this exists! What's the catch?

Meanwhile my house is mine. I do what I like. My relationship with DC is rock solid and I feel blessed. Those first few years I remember as very hard and unfair. They were, can't change that, but it won't always feel like this.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 14/10/2012 08:52

Hi Dolly. You are doing it all and I feel for you. I found myself too that weekends could be difficult sometimes also as there are often fewer people around to spend time with. Do you have anything planned for today or could you find someone to meet up with?

Your xh is likely to enjoy some parts of his new life but he won't find being a dad on his own with two young kids easy. You on the other hand will watch your kids grow up every step of the way. It's often not easy being a single parent but actually one of the things that I am thankful for is that my kids and I are much closer now that xh has left. And we have a lot of fun that we would never have had with xh.

ledkr · 14/10/2012 09:28

Dolly I stil find that annoying now dd thinks the sum shines out of her fathers arse and ow is lovely.
I have always tried to soothe myself by imagining if it were the other way around and I didn't get to keep the kids,of course I wouldn't rather that happened. I may do all the crap stuff but I get the good bits too and not in measured amounts.
When I met my dh we also had unrushed sex leisurely breakfasts and lovely times together. I am currently looking forward to dog racing and a meal with friends next sat and a night away in November.
Yes it's tough to organise and get child are etc but we still do it cos we want to and your turn will come my lovely. Life isn't over it's just beginning.
Push those thoughts aside they will do you no good

ProphetOfDoom · 14/10/2012 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DaydreamDolly · 14/10/2012 10:16

Thank you all, once again. Every single post gives me something to focus on.
Sowornout I am so definitely telling him the F1 result - F1 is his passion, apparently she likes it too, so I just know they'll be planning to watch it together later. I'm not even going to pretend I let it slip either I'm just going to tell him Grin
He said he'd be here to pick up the girls between 10-11am. At 9.30 I texted asking for his eta as I want the girls ready and waiting so he doesn't come in. He texted back at 10am saying he'd be here at 11am. Oh, don't rush will you.
I have spoken to his family. They are really sad and think he's a tosser but they have to support him don't they? It's a tricky one as I love them but I can't talk candidly to them it doesn't feel the same.

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