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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ex staying too long at pick ups

107 replies

downday · 07/10/2012 10:30

my ex husband picks up my children on the weekends and a day during the week, and on pick up and dropping them off, he takes ages putting whatever stuff they had away, getting them organised (despite me having everything ready) and generally saying hello. this would be fine but we are not on good terms and i think he is doing it on purpose - i have told him lots of times that i want him just to come, pick them up, drop them off and thats it, no more. and every single time he comes he asks to go to the loo - he does a number 2 every single time and it leaves the worst smell ever, and this is the only time i get to have a bath and its really starting to pee me off. i know this sounds really trivial - but its upsetting, and we had an argument this morning because i said 'can you not go in your own house' and he said i was 'denying him the right to go to the toilet!'
the thing is he lives ten minutes away! surely he can go in his own house? i do not mind - but it is every single time.

am i being really unreasonable? in some ways, i think i am. but in another light, he should just be respecting me and literally coming to deal with the children and being on his way. please someone put me in my place and tell me to get over this. im left on my own again today upset because of the interactions we had over pick up.

OP posts:
Pugless · 07/10/2012 10:34

Do what i do, weather permitting the dcs are stood at the front gate waiting playing a game of spot daddy first

Original poster
downday · 07/10/2012 10:37

she was outside sleeping in the pram and the bag of stuff was ready. he still came in opened the fridge asking for bottles (not giving me a minute to get the bag for him) and asking me things and to go to the loo etc

OP posts:
HecateLarpo · 07/10/2012 10:38

Have the children ready at the gate.

As soon as he arrives, say bye, have a nice time and walk into the house and shut the door.

don't let him in.

Could he possibly be ridiculous enough to be waiting to go to the loo at yours in some bizarre territory marking/pissing off exercise? If so, then he is an utter twat and just say no. you are denying me the right to go to the toilet Hmm no, you are denying him access to your home and telling him to go in his own loo!

If you have the children at the gate and you don't let him in, and when they come back, you send them through and block the door, say goodbye and shut the door, and therefore give him no access to your home, then he may perhaps stop doing this?

HecateLarpo · 07/10/2012 10:40

Have the bag ready. don't let him into the house.

Look, if you have to be waiting outside with the door locked and the keys in your hand - do that!

Keep your door locked. Don't let him just walk in.

MrsTomHardy · 07/10/2012 10:41

Not nice for you.....
I wouldn't let him in.....once my xp and i split he never entered this house again, although it is my house so easier said than done i suppose... But you do need to put a stop to it....good luck

Original poster
downday · 07/10/2012 10:44

he thinks we should be working on our relationship you see. i have told him, no we are not working on our relationship at this stage, we are working on being civil to each other. i do want us to have a good relationship i think it will be better - but i don't want him in the house for now as its been far too difficult.

he makes me sound like im being so unreasonable... you all are making it seem ok to not let him in. its so confusing. why should i listen to him i guess.

OP posts:
Qwertyytrewq · 07/10/2012 10:44

Could you drop off?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2012 10:45

No you are not being unreasonable in the least. He likely did not respect you at all when you were together either, that situation has not changed and now he can still disregard any boundaries you care to set for him now that you are separated. He knows he can still yank your chain and does all that he does to provoke you and leave you unhappy. He knows full well what he is doing and enjoys seeing your discomfort as well.

Being reasonable does not work with such damaged people because they use that to walk over all their victim. I would now arrange to have the handover done somewhere else like a contact center or some other place other than your home. If contact arrangements have not been legally formalised I would take steps to ensure this is now done. He is completely disregarding your wishes; this is about power and control and still wanting both over you. He does not give a toss for you or his children really if he is acting like this.

Pugless · 07/10/2012 10:45

He is just being a twat then just making something that could be simple difficult. Explain again that he is only coming to your to pick up and drop off dcs. Or just charge him a £1 too use the loo and explain that its for the loo paper and water Grin

MrsTomHardy · 07/10/2012 10:45

He is being unreasonable and he's doing it purposely to wind you up

SeveredEdMcDunnough · 07/10/2012 10:45

What Hecate said. It's territory marking - however horrible that sounds. He probably doesn't even think about it.

It's horrid - and he's got NO RIGHT to use your toilet, come into your home, you can refuse entry you know.

Stand outside, hand him the bottles or whatever it is he comes in to get and say no, I'd rather you didn't come in. He is being a proper bully.

Do you think he would force his way in? Can you maybe have someone else there with you, so he can't make a fuss?

He's clearly using this as an opportunity to bully you and it's really unpleasant, and he shouldn't be allowed to do it - if someone was there with you he wouldn't feel able to.

AmberLeaf · 07/10/2012 10:46

He really doesn't need to come inside.

Be ready at the gate, your door locked and your keys in your pocket.

He's taking the piss and yes I agree its a territory marking exercise.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2012 10:49

"He thinks we should be working on our relationship you see. i have told him, no we are not working on our relationship at this stage, we are working on being civil to each other"

Not surprised to read that first sentence at all. He will never ever be civil to you though because in his warped mind that means he has "lost". Also he does not want to be civil to you because you again to his warped brain have caused him all this anguish. Such men never ever take any responsibility for their actions nor apologise for them.

Do read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft if you have never done so.

Lovingfreedom · 07/10/2012 10:53

My ex also drops the kids off at the gate. Sometimes I wave, but if he's being a twat I don't bother...I just greet the kids. I always act around him like I am in a hurry to do something important...thereby avoiding chit chat etc. Don't let him into the house. He does not have a 'right' to use your bathroom. I've seen this before with a friend of mine too...either her ex has a bowel problem or he times his visits carefully and always stinks up her flat.

cece · 07/10/2012 10:56

Everyone outside. Door locked. You with coat on and if he asks say no I am going out and walk off down the road... or get in car and drive away.

Lovingfreedom · 07/10/2012 11:01

TBH my opinion on being civil is a non-starter with guys like this. It's just like when you were married and you were 'working on the relationship' and he was still acting like a twat.

IME the only way to get any kind of sensible working relationship with a guy like this is to speak to them only about absolute essentials preferably by email, to keep your word limit to a minimum and not be drawn into explaining yourself about anything.

If you try to think about him like someone who is making a delivery. Would you be civil to the delivery man? Yes... Would you let them come in for a chin-wag...no... Would you think they have a right to come in and take a dump in your bathroom...probably not. And importantly, are you concerned about what the delivery man thinks about you, your house, your behaviour, whether you do the decent thing...no. Your ex is your ex...get him and his stinking backside out of your house.

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable.

BertieBotts · 07/10/2012 11:12

Cheeky bastard! Shock

I wouldn't let him in either. I'd send him a text or email ASAP saying something along the lines of "I think things are becoming confusing for DCs so to set a clear boundary I do not want you to come into my house any more. I will make sure DCs are ready with all their things when you come to collect them."

Then just remember, No is a complete sentence. You are NOT unreasonable and he can go in his own house - just tell him don't be so ridiculous if he comes out with these claims about you depriving him of toilet use Hmm You wouldn't just go and use the toilet in your next door neighbour's house, would you? Unless yours was out of order for some reason.

MsNobodyAgain · 07/10/2012 11:12

He sounds like my ex. He used to march in, use the toilet, read several papers, top the boiler up, etc.

As others have said, either be outside with everything packed up or move the meeting point to a neutral area. I eventually had to tell my ex I would meet him half way between our respective houses. Things got a lot easier after that.

Heleninahandcart · 07/10/2012 11:21

He is doing it deliberately, it's a marking his territory thing. Ex used to do this too. First it was wanting a glass of water, then marching right through to the kitchen, and progressed to using the loo. There was always something and there always will be something with your ExH because that is how he tries to exert control.

I started dropping off DC off at his place instead. Far better if you could just have DC ready at the door, be 'busy', smile and wave as you shut it.

Dryjuice25 · 07/10/2012 11:48

Am in the same boat........its like he thinks the separation is a joke. He expects to stay for hours in the guise of seeing ds who is 12weeks. He likes to help himself to my special coffee, don't wash his cups, and leaves bits of his tobacco all over my work tops and it gets on my nerves. When I complain I get told that I'm a psycho bitch who likes to pick arguments on trivia.

He also expects to watch what he likes on telly and lies about trying to get a job. He won't babysit the kids so I can work instead as he "should be the one working" and this is mainly(and a lot of other issues) why we separated.

I feel disrespected and taken advantage of. Getting him to leave was a tough call and he wants to get back together but continues to be an utter twat.....cant get rid of the manchild.

Just yesterday I went to town, left dc with him for the first time at his as grandparents had travelled miles to see dcs. I prepared a bottle. 2hours later I got an abusive call to say I was out with other man and that I had abandoned a breastfed baby. He said that I was a bad mother and a skanky whore. WTF? He expected to wait at home!!! And this vomit is coming from a man who is desperate to get back together. WTAF!!!!!! I'm beginning to think that he has some kind of cognitive handicap.

I don't know what to do to rid this poison out of my life once and for all. He thinks he owns me because I had dcs with him and that I am a bad mother who don't deserve dcs if I split for good. And if I feel low because of all this mess, it's PND and he is not to blame. I just don't know what to do about this man. I thought I was well rid fgs.

So yes you have my sympathy. Good luck.

SeveredEdMcDunnough · 07/10/2012 11:51

Dryjuice I think it's clear the abuse is continuing for you. I would advise stopping him coming round, stopping contact and asking him to go through a solicitor as his behaviour is bad for you, and for your child to witness.

What an arsehole.

Soditall · 07/10/2012 11:54

I had this for ages.My ex husband would also give me the creeps with the way he'd be staring at me when he was picking up/dropping of our children.I started to make sure I had them ready and at the gate waiting for him,he'd pull up and I'd go back into my house.

Now my lovely husband deals with him and I stay out of sight.Makes my flesh crawl just thinking about what he was like with me.

Dryjuice25 · 07/10/2012 12:10

Severed -I know what you mean. I must have done something terrible in my previous life to be inflicted with him.

I have to explain everyday why I want out which ends up in horrific arguments and slag offs. He is bad news.

I like to think I'm tough but Iwas in tears yesterday and yes I think its time to use the legal channels.

And oh yes he is a prize arsehole...

SeveredEdMcDunnough · 07/10/2012 12:12

I think I would send one text asking him to stop contacting me, to keep everything in writing through a solicitor and that any further harassment would be dealt with by the police.

You have a right to live free from harassment.

He is abusing you.

Dryjuice25 · 07/10/2012 12:27

Severed- Thanks for taking your time on this. I have tried talking and everything else. Hopefully the solicitors will help stop this nightmare. I agree its abuse and control. The guy is beyond vile

Sorry op didn't mean to hijack like this