ex staying too long at pick ups

[downday]

my ex husband picks up my children on the weekends and a day during the week, and on pick up and dropping them off, he takes ages putting whatever stuff they had away, getting them organised (despite me having everything ready) and generally saying hello. this would be fine but we are not on good terms and i think he is doing it on purpose - i have told him lots of times that i want him just to come, pick them up, drop them off and thats it, no more. and every single time he comes he asks to go to the loo - he does a number 2 every single time and it leaves the worst smell ever, and this is the only time i get to have a bath and its really starting to pee me off. i know this sounds really trivial - but its upsetting, and we had an argument this morning because i said 'can you not go in your own house' and he said i was 'denying him the right to go to the toilet!'
the thing is he lives ten minutes away! surely he can go in his own house? i do not mind - but it is every single time.

am i being really unreasonable? in some ways, i think i am. but in another light, he should just be respecting me and literally coming to deal with the children and being on his way. please someone put me in my place and tell me to get over this. im left on my own again today upset because of the interactions we had over pick up.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

Really sympathise OP - currently trying to extricate myself from a bad marriage as I said and know what it's like to be afraid of letting go, to keep thinking that maybe you could/should try to make it work etc.

But I'm with Orange and pictish here.

This guy is deadwood and you need to move on and stop beating yourself up. When you started this thread you actually thought your not liking the everytime-there's-a-pickup-shitting might be unreasonable.

We all think it's absolutely gross, and completely illustrates his lack of respect.

He won't change, he won't make you happy. Move on!!!!

There might be some lovely man out there whose shit smells like roses who will make you happy, but if not you are better off on your own (not that you are on your own because you've got your children) than with this disrespectful, controlling twat.

[clam]

Now you see, I think you're backing yourself right into a position of weakness by giving any sort of house-room to the idea that there's hope for you to get back together. Tell yourself, AND HIM, that it's over, full stop, then IF anything changes, you could maybe consider it in the future, although why you would want to is beyond me. You've done the hard work bit by booting him out. Don't undo it all now.

[clam]

Oh, and what pictish said.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

You've done the hard work bit by booting him out. Don't undo it all now.

Yes. If you let him back, you're probably stuck with each other for good. Is this really what you want?

[ivykaty44]

I suppose you could ask him

Do you shit in my loo to remind me each week the shitty smell and come to think of it relationship I have escaped from and how lucky I am not to have to put up with that type of crap any more?

[downday]

im just really upset about the whole thing to be honest. i wish he would just be the person i want him to be... i guess i have to realise he isn't going to suddenly change and start respecting me.

perhaps like clam says the next time he does something to annoy me which probably won't take long, i will tell him it is completely over and go down that route (which means properly sorting the house and finances out which hasn't been done yet and getting more legal about everything) and then if by some miracle things change then so.

its so hard.

[clam]

The thing is, though, that he isn't the person you want him to be.
So how about letting go of that dream, get yourself healed instead of trying to fix him, and then leave yourself ready for a decent bloke to come your way.

[sudaname]

My DD is in process of splitting from her partner and father of her 8yr old DS .He is a very controlling person - and my advice to her which l got from a solicitor friend was that it is best to not let him in to her new accomodation whatsoever and meet him somewhere public to hand over /return their son to each other.
l know that is quite a sad state of affairs to come to, but with a controlling person like this it is the only way. These sorts only need to be given an inch and take a mile and l was only saying the other day to my DD (she's not left him yet) when she was saying 'But l want us to be civilised blah blah..' that very same scenario as in OP and that is 'What will you say then in your 'civilised' pick ups at your new home, when he first asks to use the loo ?' (guaranteed he'll think of that one !) - are you going to say 'No'.?
Then of course you are the unreasonable one , to keep someone at the door who's 'dying' for the loo.
So only way unfortunately is to not let the situation arise in the first place.

[CaliforniaLeaving]

My take on it is, he's trying to come in and make sure you don't have anyone else, he's trying to "mark his territory" the loo thing has to stop. Say no, and don't let him in. Or move the hand over to a public place Have a talk with a solicitor and if he continues his ridiculous behavior tell him that the contact can be through the solicitor if he prefers.
You need to make a clan break, this wishy washy, needing to heal isn't helping anyone.

[Mayisout]

My take on it is, he's trying to come in and make sure you don't have anyone else, he's trying to mark his territory

You could borrow a friends DP/DB/DH and have a man's jacket hanging in the hall and the tv on with a sport prog playing loudly and borrowed man watching it. He could even come out to the hall to meet the ex

(no, not really, would cause great hassle for you and DCs but it would be lovely to see ex's face)

[downday]

sudaname i think you have it when you say you give them an inch and they take a mile - that sums him up in every way.

i don't know much about how solicitors work and what they do, and i don't think i can afford one for a start. i guess ill have to get my act together and sort all this stuff out if we are going to have a clean break. if we had of been able to be friends for the sake of the kids that wud have been the best option its such a shame.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You need to tell him its over.

He knows full well what he is doing here and enjoys seeing your discomfort as well. Using your loo is another way to manipulate and control you; he loves doing this to you. He has never respected you and never will as long as he has a hole in his bum. Sorry to use such a crude reference but it's fact. He never respected you throughout your marriage; being separated just gives him permission to still pour scorn on you.

I would also seriously consider using the legal routings now re access to your children because he is a;so completely disregarding any boundaries you care to set.

I would also suggest you have a look at Womens Aid Freedom Programme as it is for those women who have been in abusive relationships.

You have to break this unhealthy dynamic because he won't change and you cannot help or rescue anyone who does not want to be helped. He is also not and has never been your project to rescue and or save.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Many solicitors will give you a 30 minute consultation; phone a couple of them in your hometown and ask around.

You certainly need legal advice; you cannot go on as you are because your children will pick up on all this crap from him as well.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You give an inch; they take a mile.

My friend's ex has also acted like a shit when it has come to handovers; my friend has learnt the hard way that in such cases it is best to use neutral places re handovers. Even now post separation he keeps asking to stay over or visit her house. She also had to resort to legal means because of his controlling nature.

Such controlling men detest their chosen victim and your man would never have willingly remained or wanted to be friendly. His main priority is him; his children are but of secondary concern to him even if he is bothered with them which they often are not.

Your ex is also responsible financially for his children.

[perfectstorm]

It's a control thing. Neutral venue is, I agree, much better unless you are willing to flat out refuse to let him in. He's doing this to retain the upper hand.

I'm sad to say it, but you were wise to separate, weren't you? What a life you must have had with him.

[Tiago]

"I feel sick"

Answer: Then I recommend you see a doctor.

Don't let him in the house.

[thixotropic]

Loads of sensible suggestions. Now how about some silly ones to cheer you up.

Let him use the loo, hide all the bog roll and towels, let him go home in shitty skiddy pants.

Take the door off the loo, hire some burly mnetters to hang round glowering whilst he tries to dump.

Webcam in the loo, mnetters will ensure that
#creepy ex dumps in my loo every time he Picks up kids
Goes viral on his ass

I'm sure others will be along with more ideas on how to internet kill the controlling little Fuck.

Hth.
X

[skyebluesapphire]

at hide the toilet roll

Fantastic idea!

[ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm]

"Are you denying me the right to use the toilet?"

"I am denying you the right to use MY toilet. You are welcome to use any other toilet you like. Now fuck off."

Is what needs said. Before you close the door.
LMFAO love this and the entire post by thixotropic..

My ex also tried tha same stuff on including leaving his stuff lying around when he came in and left.
When i got a new fella it stopped. Very. Abruptly.

Its definately a form of control and territory marking.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

im just really upset about the whole thing to be honest. i wish he would just be the person i want him to be..

I get this. My dh is like two people in one. One is a kind, decent person with a good sense of humour. The other is a screwed up, critical, insecure, jealous, mean-minded, negative, controlling twat.

The first guy is a really good dad, and the second one is a bloody awful husband.

They come as a package unfortunately. And I need to harden my heart towards the good guy beause thinking about him makes me feel like I can live with the bad one, who is destroying me.

I'm sure your ex has his good points, too. But you can't edit him and the sooner you accept this, the faster you can move forward into a happier life.

You've got mixed feelings about your dh and you've given him mixed messages about splitting. His behaviour suggests he won't change - he doesn't want to give you space, does he?

I agree with others on here who say you need to be clearer with him and with yourself, really.

[CuriousMama]

Maybe you should have this fitted

[downday]

lol that was funny. such good advice.. yes i was very very wise to separate it was awful with him.

there has been more drama. i didn't tell you, but he has been coming in to put the baby to sleep in her cot if he is dropping her off at night. ive been warning him about this and how if he keeps disregarding my boundaries (ie not arguing in the house etc) i wont have it. so tonight i got strength from this thread and texted him to say i would be taking her and putting her down ,and i did not want him him the house no more.

with a bit of resistance and argument on the phone, that was ok. then i got this text off him there:
you are obviously very naive to someone who is experiencing pain and hurt, i have not disrespected you i have tried to enter into negotiation and consultation with you during the hurt and pain (despite me saying not to do this in the house) disrespect does not mean someone disagreeing with what you want sometimes, you need to set aside your unhappy feelings for dds sake. yes i do care how you feel, ive always tried my best and tried to do as much as i colud and will continue to cos i love you, clearly we have to agree to disagree, i want the best for you but i don't think it was fair you doing that to be, it was an abuse of your power(???) to do that, putting your own feelings first.

so i sent one back saying he was naive about what respect is and saying he has done more than disagree, and that he needs to find out what goes on in the real world when people separate.

by the way he cried when i took the baby

[Walkacrossthesand]

The question is, downday, did you feel loved when you lived with him? Or is he just ducking & weaving to say whatever is necessary to keep you on a hook? He's not behaving like someone who is willing to do 'anything' to mend the relationship is he - he could, for example, ask you how you want to handle things & then do as you ask....novel idea!

[tallwivglasses]

Be prepared for the tears to stop and the nastiness to start.

Please stop engaging with him. This can't be amicable for a long time if ever

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

Well done downday for being so strong. Do you feel better now you've taken back some control? Hang onto that feeling.

Sorry to hear that he cried, that can't have been easy. But don't let it shake your resolve. Blurring the boundaries makes things harder in the long run.