ex staying too long at pick ups

[downday]

my ex husband picks up my children on the weekends and a day during the week, and on pick up and dropping them off, he takes ages putting whatever stuff they had away, getting them organised (despite me having everything ready) and generally saying hello. this would be fine but we are not on good terms and i think he is doing it on purpose - i have told him lots of times that i want him just to come, pick them up, drop them off and thats it, no more. and every single time he comes he asks to go to the loo - he does a number 2 every single time and it leaves the worst smell ever, and this is the only time i get to have a bath and its really starting to pee me off. i know this sounds really trivial - but its upsetting, and we had an argument this morning because i said 'can you not go in your own house' and he said i was 'denying him the right to go to the toilet!'
the thing is he lives ten minutes away! surely he can go in his own house? i do not mind - but it is every single time.

am i being really unreasonable? in some ways, i think i am. but in another light, he should just be respecting me and literally coming to deal with the children and being on his way. please someone put me in my place and tell me to get over this. im left on my own again today upset because of the interactions we had over pick up.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

Dryjuice second what people say about this being abuse and that you need to use legal channels to deal with him. I am trying to separate and dh too wants to get back together and seems to think that this is achievable by bullying.

OP, you have been given some great advice. You do not and should not have to tolerate this. The using the loo is terrible, as people say it's territory marking and about control. It's also deeply disrespectful to you and your home, coming and dumping his shit in it like this. What a disgusting man. It actually makes me feel sick.

Agree that you need to have the children ready, not let him across the threshold again. If you write to him and make it plain that this is the way it has to be and he still refuses to respect it, you will have to use legal means to stop him violating your space and privacy like this.

[downday]

hey dry im sorry you are going through this too, please feel welcome to stay and be on the thread for support.

thanks to everyone who have replied, it has helped SO much for me to be able to see clearly. i don't have a solicitor and don't want to go down that route yet. i have tried doing things by emails he won't respond...so i do text and leave voicemails now, and have made it clear we are not to do it at pick up and drop off.

i rang him awhile ago and said i was upset after this morning, i have told him over and over again that i just want him to pick up and thats it, and i don't want him coming in anymore. he acted all hurt and we talked a bit about the separation and how i thought there would be little prospect now of getting back together - this really hurt him - but i tried to explain he has done nothing so far to show that he has changed, respects me, or is trying.

i think the best plan if things are still upsetting, is to meet him at a mutual place. it would work better than me going to his.

[SavoyCabbage]

Well done.

Don't let him tell you that you are being unreasonable or difficult because you aren't. He is trying to get at you by saying those things to you. He's going to say that he is trying to fix the relationship and make you feel guilty for not doing what he wants.

Start making your home your own. Move things around. Paint a room. (or the front door) . Buy new cups. not to play games but so that it's more your home.

[skyebluesapphire]

I put all DD's things outside the door, weather permitting and he doesn't come in at all. He chose to walk out on us therefore has no right to be in my home.

I agree with making small changes to make the home your own. It's amazing how you can change the look and feel of a room with curtains, throws, cushions and bedding.

[zippey]

I wouldnt let him come into the home. I agree that he is marking his territory.

Id also look at hiring a rugby player for an hour just to stand with you while he picks up the children. He might not be so fast at trying to sneak into your house then!

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

Agree with posters who say you should make it feel like your space now. Go to TK Maxx and buy some nice scented candles to get rid of the smell.

Can't believe how stupid some men are. Does your ex really think that creating an awful stench in your bathroom is going to endear him to you and help his cause re getting back together? Does he think having your nostrils assaulted will make you nostalgic for his presence in your life? Sure it must remind you of what you are missing, but not in a good way.

I know I'm being flippant, but honestly, one of the things I can't wait for is not having to see dh's pubes in the bath, washing his pants, seeing his athlete's foot cream next to the bed or worst of all, walking in on him when he's sat on the loo reading a motorbiking magazine with his boxers round his ankles (he has a habit of not shutting the door properly so I don't realise he's there). Ugh.

He's actually a nice, clean kind of person, but when you don't love/want to be with someone any more all their personal habits and bodily functions become repulsive.

Good luck OP.

[ivykaty44]

Excellent advise here

Don't let him in the house
don't let him use the "I need a poo" as an excuse to get in - you are a grown man if you have a bowel problem see your gp asap as it could be serious.

Or just say I think you may need these (hand him a packet of emmodium) and then walk off quickly as you have soemwhere to be

[clam]

You shouldn't have told him you were upset - that's giving away your power to him.
You also shouldn't have said "little" chance of getting back together. Shouldn't that be "zero" chance?
He is most definitely doing this deliberately - basically he's shitting all over you, almost literally. If he accuses you of "denying him the right to go to the loo," shrug and say "whatever" and do not engage.

[VBisme]

I second the post asking why you can't take the kids to him? Then you've full control over timings.
If its only 10 minutes away it won't take much effort, whereas using a separate drop off point still relies on him getting there on time.

[CuriousMama]

No way would I let him in. Exdh used to use our computer for ages until I just said no. He's like a big kid though but would never wait to do a shit in our loo

[Teahouse]

I second taking the kids to his. I used to do this as my ex-h also used to come into the house. It was a pain for me but I found it easier than dealing with him in my home.

[PickledFanjoCat]

Pooing in your house every time is bloody weird unless he has a disorder of the bowel.

[downday]

there is loads of immodium from when he lived here i might give them to him next time he asks - some of the posts made me laugh and cheered me up! i agree...its not the ideal way to try to get me back. and painting the front door... lol

he is living with his mum at the minute you see, so if i drop the kids off at theirs, i am going to have to go - she likes me, and will expect me to come in and talk to her and the family and play happy families. she is hard work, and trust me, its not an easy solution me going there.... plus i do not find driving there and back easy especially in rush hour. he works round the corner from my house so it makes more sense for him to call here... but i can always meet him at his work during the week, or somewhere out at weekends. it is preferable to me than going to either of our houses.

he has texted me saying he 'feels sick'... he is always acting all dramatic like this when i say i don't think there is much chance of getting back. i don't know where he gets all hte hopes from. .. its not like he kept to any of his promises like he would get help, he would change etc etc. i don't know why he is expecting that we would get back!

[MsNobodyAgain]

Because he's an entitled arsehole!

If I had a penny for every time my ex said he would change, was gutted, would kill himself...well, you know how that saying ends.

[MsNobodyAgain]

I hasten to add my ex is still alive, not gutted and has never changed. Just so you know.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

downday

I would use legal means re future contact with your children otherwise he will keep wiedling the power and control stick over you. It will be ever thus. The other respondent was right; he is an entitled arsehole and I would also add he acts like this also because he can. His mother backs him up too undoubtedly.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

If he 'feels sick' better hope he doesn't come round and throw up in YOUR loo.

[pictish]

Well he's expecting it, because you are allowing him hope OP.

we talked a bit about the separation and how i thought there would be little prospect now of getting back together - this really hurt him - but i tried to explain he has done nothing so far to show that he has changed, respects me, or is trying.

Even in that you are saying that his behaviour must change. You are not saying 'It is over. There is nothing you can do. It is too late. We are finished for good.'

Now I happen to think this guy is a twat - shitting in your house every time? It's just showing you he can do what he likes. Say no ffs - and tell him it is over. Stop entering into dialogue with him.

[downday]

i guess pictish i don't want to say its over for good and make that final decision yet - its too soon for me. but i need at least 2 years to heal... and perhaps in time if he shows change we can work on our relationship. but i mean he is expecting us to get together soon... i have not given him hope of this, ive been very clear that it will take a lot of time. i guess the 2 year thing shocked him . i just don't want to be leading him on. if thats too long for HIM then that is fine, HE can end it. but i wanted to give us that chance to change, that chance to heal, before i completely finished it and went through with everyhting.

[pictish]

May I ask what you need to heal from?

Why the split in the first place?

[nkf]

My ex sort of did this for a while. The kids would pack their stuff and it would be ready. And then he would make them unpack it in the hall and go over it item by item. And loudly complain that they didn't have the right stuff. It was all aimed at me. I know it was. So I took to being out of earshot and now he's in and out at top speed. If I ever catch him starting, I just make myself scarce.

[downday]

all the hurt, arguments, emotional abuse - the marriage breakdown

[OrangeImperialGoldBlether]

Oh come on, OP, show some spirit! Anyone would need a dozen lifetimes to heal from this bloke! You're not going to do it in your lifetime - tell him that he's better off finding someone who finds his smell attractive. He's disgusting going to your bathroom each time - that alone would be the end of it for me.

[pictish]

Well he isn't going to change - 2 years or 2 decades down the line. He is proving that, by using what limited contact he has with you to maintain control. With his shit.

Come on OP. Put yourself out of your misery, and him out of your damn toilet.

[pictish]

"Are you denying me the right to use the toilet?"

"I am denying you the right to use MY toilet. You are welcome to use any other toilet you like. Now fuck off."

Is what needs said. Before you close the door.