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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

got a date tonight and I'm getting nervous!

363 replies

CrispyHedgehog · 24/09/2012 16:50

help!!!!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/09/2012 07:29

tired your aggression is rather jarring on this thread, of all threads

I am sure OP is gratified to see all the support she is receiving, and would be upset to see a bunfight occurring here.

Viking1 · 26/09/2012 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TurnipCake · 26/09/2012 09:36

Oh Crispy, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I hope you're ok and somewhere you feel safe.

Original poster
CrispyHedgehog · 26/09/2012 12:36

Thanks everyone.
I really appreciate all your messages, the experience, knowledge and support you share with me is invaluable.

I saw a gp this morning, not my usual one but this one was nice.. gave me valium, told me she believed me and that nothing i had done had caused this. She encouraged me to go to the police, but I'm worried they won't believe me, after all, he's in one of the hero professions isn't he, trusted by everyone? She said they absolutely would and that i might need protecting, given that he knows where i live :( Seeing my own gp tomorrow.

I've to go see the nurse this afternoon for swabs n stuff :((

He sent me a text last night, thanking me for a lovely evening. Said he's a bit busy the rest of this week but we'll make plans for next week. I didn't answer it.

I'm ok if I'm on my own, it seems that as soon as I see another person I start shaking and sobbing. My house feels dirty and contaminated somehow.. I hate it now. I've got a slightly swollen eye and a grazed cheek, not sure how that happened.

I'm sort of ok, and I know I will be ok again soon. Just got a lot to process right now. I don't know whether to go to the police or not. I know I should, to make sure he can never do this to another person ever again, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to go through the ordeal, the going to court, being made out to be a liar, havng my whole life questioned etc. I just don't know if i can bear that.

OP posts:
NoMoreFrump · 26/09/2012 12:50

Hi Crispy, I don't often post in Relationships but I have delurked because I wanted you to know that you have support here whatever you decide. I don't have any experience of this but I think you are doing the right thing by taking one step at a time, in your own time.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Sad

ScrambledSmegs · 26/09/2012 13:17

You're doing brilliantly, Crispy. You don't need to put pressure on yourself to be 'ok' quickly, this isn't like having a cold Sad Just take your time, and concentrate on yourself.

The GP sounds very understanding, and sadly I think she's right that you may need protecting. That is one thing that going to the police can bring you. The texts are clearly about him minimising/trying to put a spin on the whole thing. Whoever mentionned 'gentleman rapist' is right, he's a cunning, nasty piece of work.

I don't know very much about police procedure, or the criminal justice system, but I hope that they would treat you with respect and understanding, and not force you into any situation that you couldn't cope with. Hopefully someone with more practical advice and experience will be along soon.

DreamingofSummer · 26/09/2012 14:05

Crispy

Cyber hugs! The GP sounds lovely and supportive. Is there anyone else in real life who could support you in going to the police?

OrangeImperialGoldBlether · 26/09/2012 14:16

I'm so sorry but I think it's vital you go to the police. He is now minimising what happened and acting as though you would see him again. Don't reply to any messages and don't speak to him.

Remember that some people join the 'hero professions' so that they are trusted. They like the power and the knowledge that everyone thinks they're great. He's not the first rapist who's worked in that job and won't be the last. What a vile pig that man is. Please, please make sure that others (ie the police) know what he's done.

LateDeveloper · 26/09/2012 14:32

So sorry this happened to you. It is absolutely not your fault. You are a victim of a horrible crime.

I can see why you are not sure about talking to the police - we have all read of cases where the case is not taken forward and the victim is not supported. But even the cps for whatever reason decide not to prosecute they will have his details on file for any previous or future crimes that emerge.

AnyFucker · 26/09/2012 14:34

It isn't OP's responsibility to make sure this man never rapes someone again.

OP should only go the police if she feels she can do it, with the support of Rape Crisis if need be. I really hope she can, but if she couldn't I would understand. I didn't report.

LateDeveloper · 26/09/2012 14:43

I would completely understand too and certainly didn't want to put any pressure on the op.

I didn't report either but.... I do have some regrets- it was over 20 years ago and similar circumstances, it took me a long long time to admit even to myself what it was.

DreamsTurnToGoldDust · 26/09/2012 14:48

I didnt report my rape, yes it was a long time ago, but I just couldnt. I totally understand if you dont want to go to the police, only you can decide that.

OP, I`m so sorry, have you got a support network at home? xx

ilovesprouts · 26/09/2012 14:56

omg hope u get this sorted x

OrangeImperialGoldBlether · 26/09/2012 14:58

Really shocked to see how prevalent rape is. Horrified.

AnyFucker · 26/09/2012 15:00

same here, LD. It was the Feminism section here on Mn that helped me see what happened to me in the correct terms. Before that, I had been doing the "victim blaming" stuff.

AnyFucker · 26/09/2012 15:10

IB, there was a very long thread in Feminism a little while ago called "small sexual assaults" or something similar. It was chock-full of this kind of stuff, where women had explained away and minimised and blamed themselves. Most of what was shared went unreported.

It's not right and it perpetuates victim-blaming. It's not up to individual women who have undergone such attacks recently though to smash the patriarchal system that supports such men. The whole attitude towards rape victims is changing very slowly but not nearly fast enough. it is still likely OP would have to answer questions like "did you say no loudly enough?", "what were you wearing", why did you invite him into your house" ? etc

I am not trying to put OP off reporting, I hope she does and in all likelihood she will be well-supported, but she needs help in navigating a system that is currently set up against her

OP, this is all getting a bit theoretical. Sorry, one of my soapboxes Sad

Love, have you thought about how you are going to react if he persists in messaging you, or turns up at your house ? You need to be prepared for that eventuality, so it doesn't come as a nasty shock. He is invested right now in minimising what he has done, and he won't care if he bulldozes you to reinforce to himself this was a "normal" and consensual encounter

TurnipCake · 26/09/2012 15:44

Crispy, it's entirely up to you to decide whether you report this to the police or not, there's no 'have to' about it, the choice is yours.

I never reported my rapist to the police, I just did what I needed to do to feel in control and safe. There's no right or wrong way of dealing with the aftermath of rape, whatever you decide, we will support you here.

vintagewarrior · 26/09/2012 16:57

Just offering support here too, I also never reported similar incident 19 years ago, wish I had, but very much understand why you are reluctant, i felt the same.
Massive hugs, thinking of you xxx

spondulix · 26/09/2012 18:35

So sorry for you. Sending you huge hugs - keep posting for support.

(((())))

aleene · 26/09/2012 18:59

Crispy, how did you get on with the nurse? You mentioned a swollen eye and grazed cheek - have you considered getting them photographed? I'm sorry, I am not pressuring you but it might be worth doing now in case you need it later.

Alittlestranger · 26/09/2012 19:12

((crispy)) I just wanted to add that don't feel you have to decide now if you want to go to the police or not. You can deal with this how you want and if in six months time you decide you want to make a report then you are entitled to do that.

It might be that the chances of conviction are better the sooner you report, but hopefully your GP made good notes.

ProphetOfDoom · 26/09/2012 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange · 26/09/2012 19:47

You mentioned a swollen eye and grazed cheek - have you considered getting them photographed? I'm sorry, I am not pressuring you but it might be worth doing now in case you need it later.

This is good advice, preferably a dated photo. Just so you have it if necessary. Agree also that if you report sooner is better than later, but you need to do what feels right for you.

Original poster
CrispyHedgehog · 27/09/2012 04:24

I didn't go to the nurse in the end.. just couldn't face it and my period started so I don't thik she'd have been able to do the swabs anyway. All the aches and pains have kicked in, my neck is killing me, arms, legs and stomach aren't too clever either. Can't really see any bruises tho.

Both the nurse and my gp rang later in the day to check I was ok which was really nice of t hem. Seeing my gp again in the morning.

I ddin't respond to his text, so he sent me a photo of his studio :/ I still didn't respond.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 27/09/2012 05:02

He targeted you, Crispy. This man uses as much force as he deems necessary to make his victims to submit but he rarely inflicts visible injuries on them that can be connected to him - by which I mean marks/bruises that correspond to handprints on the arms or neck for example.

The first text he sent you was to be expected and if you'd responded I doubt that you'd have heard from him again for couple of days.

The fact he texted a second time yesterday suggests he may be getting a bit antsy at your non-response.

It sounds as if you put up a hell of a fight; when he's replaying the tape, as it were, it may occur to him that you are not as submissive as he marked you out to be and this may lead him to call on you - possibly with a box of chocs/flowers on the pretext that he was 'just passing' - to reassure himself that you haven't blown the whistle on him.

Are you able to see who's at your front door without being observed before you open it?

I was just coming to the end of an extremely long missive to you when my laptop crashed - I'm going to try and recover it or try to recall it and do a rewrite.

In the meantime, I urge you to go to your GP later today and get as much as possible documented. Although you have started your period, get swabs taken as semen can be detected some 48-72hrs? after ejaculation.

Btw, as I very much doubt that you want any reminder of the other night in your photo album, don't bother taking photos of visible marks/injuries yourself as only those taken by an accredited police photographer or similar would be admissible evidence in a Court of Law in this matter.