got a date tonight and I'm getting nervous!

[CrispyHedgehog]

help!!!!

[AnyFucker]

the one thing you must do here is get the STI tests, love. You don't want a nasty physical reminder of this attack (to go along with all the other mental/emotional ones)

[izzyizin]

I would like to make it crystal clear that in urging you to obtain evidence that sexual intercourse took place and to have as much evidence as possible documented by health professionals, I am in NO WAY urging you to report this man to the police, Crispy.

My sole concern is that you have independently documented material which can be used to substantiate your account if you should decide at a later date to make a complaint to the poice.

[Lueji]

You can still go to the gp or a&e and complain about the pains.
If they have uv light, or a dermatologist might, the bruises are likely to show.

I have had those "invisible" bruises and it's maddening, because the pain is there but nobody notices them.

Please, the way he is keeping in contact with you, you need to go to the police. He's been violent once and it looks like he's not letting go.

Stay safe.

[higgle]

I was a criminal defence solicitor for 23 years and dealt with many rape cases. I would urge you to go to the police and ensure your injuries are recorded by your GP as soon as possible. I fully accept you may not want proceedings to be instituted against this man immediately. It is not a pleasant process and you are quite right in assuming any court proceedings would be an ordeal for you even with support. The reason I urge you to do this is that as more information has become available he does seem to fit the profile of someone who may have done this before or who will do it again.
The police will also be able to advise you about what steps to take for your personal security.

[izzyizin]

I haven't recovered my lost post and any rewrite is beyond me at the moment, but I hope the following will enable you to see what manner of man you had dealings with on Tuesday night.

He is not the type that prowls the streets looking for lone women to sexually assault. He doesn't watch to establish whether a property is occupied by a lone woman before breaking in to sexually assault her.

As he's not driven by compulsion to commit sexual offences on a regular/ predictable cycle, he chooses his victims as and when opportunity arises.

He is arrogant. He doesn't believe he will be caught but he targets women who are of a similar age to him partly so that he cannot be accused of taking advantage of a significantly younger women.

In additon, this enables him to take advantage of the speedy establishment of common ground which can occur when making the acquaintance of someone from a same/similar age group for the first time.

He selects his victims on the probability that he will be able to overpower them. They will be smaller in height than he is and/or of slim build.

He is confident in his masculinity - he works out or keeps himself fit/in shape by running, rowing, swimming etc.

Unlike another category of 'date rapists', he will not seek to get his victim drunk/drugged to the point of being semi-conscious/out of it, but he will use alcohol/drugs to give himself 'dutch courage'.

When committing sexual offences he is aggressive and will use force as he sees fit to subdue his victim. He may say abusive or humiliating words/phrases or use commands. He looks solely to his own pleasure - there is no foreplay.

He uses the power that he is able to exert over his victim to prove his virility.

Men who fall within this category of rapists do not necessarily lack empathy towards others but they are able to suppress empathy towards their victims to the extent that they are not concerned about them either before, during, or after the act.

These men are cunning and the man who raped you is more practised than most as his employment has given him more access than most to women who, in common with yourself, did not believe that a man who saves lives for a living could harm them... until they discovered otherwise.

Everything you've said about your experience indicates that he's raped before, Crispy, and he's going to rape again...and again, until old age or the law stops him.

[CrispyHedgehog]

omg izzy... that's remarkably accurate from the small dealing I had.

He's not particularly tall.. about 5-8/5-10, very slim but athletic, on his non ambulance days he works as a personal trainer and does extreme sports.
He didn't really drink much alcohol, probably the equivalent of a pint of beer over the whole evening.. just pints of lemonade with a tiny bit of beer in the top.

I probably had 3 or 4 vodkas, but very heavily diluted with soft drink, so I wasn't drunk either.

I'm 5ft0.

Saw gp again this morning. He gave me the number of an organisation called The Haven which will hold my hand through the entire process for as long and as far as I decide to take it. I'm just screwing up my nerve to ring them now.
I know this is incredibly selfish of me but I'm scared that if I go down the court route they'll dredge up my entire past, which while not particularly promiscuous, I do have a bit of history of depression and psychological issues as a result of my health which has been pretty rough the last few years.

I know a barrister could easily turn things around and put me in a very negative light and I just don't know if I could bear that :/

[DreamingofSummer]

Crispy more hugs and cyber support. We are all rooting for you

[higgle]

Please get guidance from the police and expert support asap. I just want to reassure you that your sexual past would not be put before the court, in general terms it is a forbidden area for the defence. I would imagine that if the matter came before a court the issue would be one of consent. Sadly the defence would exploit the fact that the rape was not reported immediately.

[izzyizin]

O Crispy, honey, you're thinking way too far ahead and the scenario you envisage is highly unlikely to happen.

Given the inevitable lack of witnesses, date rape comes down to one person's word against that of another and, unless there are significant injuries or other victims come forward or there is some compelling reason to proceed, it's probable that the CPS will decide there is insufficient evidence to prosecute especially as it would seem that you've not had a rape kit done and may not be be able to prove that he had intercourse with you.

You may say in that case, what's the point of reporting him? And the answer is that his card will be marked, his prints, mugshot, dna, will be on file and the fact he was arrested on suspicion of rape on x date will show on an enhanced CRB check.

It may not stop him raping again but it sure as hell is going to make him think twice, thrice, and frice before he commits another sexual offence and it will put an end to any notion he may have about texting/calling/dropping in on you.

[tschiffely]

Crispy, I am completely shocked and outraged to read this. No wise words from me, although some great advice and support already given. .

[izzyizin]

As higgle has said, although criminal and other Courts are adversarial in nature there are strict rules of engagement, as it were, and the days when a rape victim's past sexual history was raked up and paraded before the jury are long gone.

Depression and psychological issues connected with ill-health are something that just about every in an average Court room will have experienced either personally or through the experience of their friends/relatives.

I seem to recall it used to be that 1 in 10 could expect to have dealings with doctors/shrinks in connection with 'mental health' issues during the course of their lives and, given the propensity for GPs to hand out antids like candy I suspect it's nearer 4 in 10 or higher these days.

You'd have nothing to fear on that score and you should also bear in mind that from statement to giving evidence and beyond, unlike his, your anonymity is guaranteed.

In short, only those you choose to tell will be privy to what has happened to you and what may be happening in respect due process of law.

[AnyFucker]

You are getting great advice, love

Perhaps make that initial contact with The Haven, and see how it goes ? Nobody will push you into a process you are not happy with

[fiventhree]

Crispy, the Royal College of GPs estimated even ten years ago that one in four patient appointments are related in one way or another to mental health issues, if you include patients who are attending to report a different issue which is a mental health issue in disguise, as well as specific MH symptoms.

In years since the, MH issues have come out of the closet, and include high profile politician and other public figures openly relating their own MH experiences.

[AnyFucker]

Viking, that wouldn't be sensible.

[CrispyHedgehog]

It's not serious mh issues, as I said some situational depression and confidence self esteem issues due to my appearance. My body requires a lot of reconstructive surgery and so I'm very wary of letting people see me naked.. I think I look reasonably normal when I'm clothed but undressed I look like a freak. But I'm sure someone clever would be able to twist that into something else.

Viking I dunno.. I'll give it some thought. I'm not sure if the name he gave me is correct, his surname is a bit 'rock star' and he told me he'd changed it; he showed me photos of how he used to look and the name on those was different but I don't rememeber exactly what it was.

I have to be careful, the cunt knows where I live. I live alone and the front of my house is sort of hidden, anything could happen and no one would see anything. I've also got friends who would go and sort him out if I told them.

This is really stupid, but I keep thinking I'll be ruining his life if I tell his identity wtf is that about? I'm remembering more things from the other night too, like how he gave himself a tour of my house and criticised it. Commented on my books.. the paintings on my walls.. weird wierd wierd

At least he hasn't sent me any texts or anything today.

[izzyizin]

I don't want to add to your worries, Crispy, but if he doesn't text you again, there's a possibility he will turn up on doorstep when you least expect it.

Given his modus operandi, I wouldn't put it past him to turn up in his ambulance with one of his colleagues on board because he chooses victims who he believes won't 'make a fuss' - his reasoning is that nice girls don't do 'it' on the first date but if they do, and even when they're forced to do 'it', they're not likely to want anyone else to know about it.

By the same token, he believes that as you are a 'nice girl' and, as such, if he turned up with a colleague in tow 'just passing by and I said to wotsit here let's pay a quick call on Crispy and she might give us a coffee' said with cheery voice, all smiles, he'll be betting that you won't respond with 'I've got the police on to you - fuck off to the far side of fuck you fucking rapist and when you get there etc' - and you won't, will you? I mean, who would? A 'loose' woman might, but would a 'nice girl' shout her mouth off like a fishwife?

The insidiousness of sexual coercion is well documented and I referred to aspects of it in my long gone and lost forever thread - which I still hope to rewrite from sodding scratch. Briefly, rapists of his ilk rely on the culture of silence that many victims buy into because they have similar fears to your own.

[AnyFucker]

Izzy is soooo right.

[izzyizin]

When you first encountered him, Crispy, was he wearing typical paramedic uniform? Bright green with fluorescent yellow go faster stripes or similar?

A change of surname can be a way of changing more than just a name - it can be a way of changing history.

[AllMuddledUp]

Crispy I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I have no advice, but I couldn't read your thread without replying. Sending you a virtual hug.

[CrispyHedgehog]

Yes he had normal uniform on, I met his crew mate and saw their ambulance.

I wondered the same about his name change but it did fit with scars he had from a serious accident. He also mentioned an exw and dc who now live in another country.... Wonder why?

First time I've done a post feom my phone so apologies if there are errors etc.

I'm thinking and thinking and going over all the what ifs and different options. I spoke to the friend who was with me when I met him and she didn't pick up any red flags either.

[CrispyHedgehog]

Viking please don't do anything.

I have enough info to identify him, dob, which station he works out of, area he lives in, place where he does the fitness stuff etc. He even sent me his schedule for the next couple weeks so I could make plans to see him looking back that was a bit much before even the first date wasn't it?