got a date tonight and I'm getting nervous!

[CrispyHedgehog]

help!!!!

[AnyFucker]

then give it a rest, viking, you are sounding creepy and if you frighten crispy off I will hunt you down myself

[AnyFucker]

yes, crispy, it was a bit much

hindsight, and all that

it's not your fault he attacked you though

[underthewestway]

Crispy, I rarely post and I haven't read the full thread, but I just thought it might help if I share what happened to me in February.

Without going into details I was woke up in a hotel room on a Sat morning with no idea how I had got there. I'd been for dinner at a posh restaurant with some friends - a married couple - left them to go to the tube and then it is all a blank. I spent 5 days in a state of bewilderment, unable to process things. It was awful, I felt like I'd gone mad.....and then I found a tampon which had been inside me since that night (sorry if tmi). Then I knew I had to do something. I went to the police, totally unable to explain what had happened and they have, at every step of the way, taken me seriously, investigated, interviewed, got CCTV evidence etc. At no point did anyone suggest that I was making it up, or even suggest that I was drunk, which, for the record I wasn't, not that that would give anyone the right to take me to a hotel and rape me iykwim.

I also live in London and the Haven were BRILLIANT. No pressure to do anything with the tests, or judgement, or anything. Just lovely.

I suppose what I'm saying it...for me, it was a huge relief to admit and start to accept what had happened, and reporting it helped me to do that. It made me able to define it and start to separate it as something someone had done to me, rather than something I had brought on myself. It really clearly became someone elses's fault. I know everyone's experience is different and I certainly wouldn't advise you to do it if you don't feel able, but my experience of London police and the Haven in particular was great. I don't know what will come of the ongoing investigation, but for some reason that hasn't really felt like the point for me, and similarly, you can report, or go to the Haven and not proceed if that doesn't feel right for you. But at least you will have the option, whereas the longer you leave it to get checked out by them, you won't. After 5 days there was no DNA evidence for me.

Sorry for length!

[AnyFucker]

westway I am so sorry that happened to you

[PeppermintPasty]

God I'm so sorry darling woman. How utterly shit. I'm gobsmacked for you.
I will just say that something very similar happened to a dear friend of mine many years ago. She was numb with shock for days and days. I think it was the "normal" ie going on a date/being excited etc, juxtaposed with the totally alien things that happened that evening.

The point is-we took pictures of her injuries, she wasn't ready to go to the police, but we(me and another friend) thought she might in the future. Sounds a bit silly, but I even took a "witness statement" from her as gently as I could (annoying trainee lawyer) and she signed it. A couple of weeks later she did go to the police. The things she did, with our help, helped the police immeasurably. And helped her too. So even some photos would be worth taking. You just never know how you will feel later on.

Sending you love.

[bumhead]

So sorry this happened to you Crispy xxx

It happened to me too years ago and I never reported it.
Some days I wish I had

Be strong xxx

[underthewestway]

AnyFucker - thank you

[underthewestway]

' I do have a bit of history of depression and psychological issues as a result of my health which has been pretty rough the last few years'

Crispy, I've just seen this, and just to reassure you... I also have a history of depression and see a shrink every week (privately, not NHS). I was also wary of commenting on this without advice. If you go to the Haven they are very clear with you about what is and is not disclosable. You do not have to disclose that at this stage it if you don't want to: when they asked me about mental health I just said I didn't want to answer and that was fine. If it did go to court you could then take advice about what to do. In retrospect, my fear about this was because I was still worried it was my fault: I wouldn't be so bothered about it now.

If you would like any more info in the process at the Haven then just PM me as my experience is relatively recent and I remember it really clearly! I was at the Paddington one.

[izzyizin]

There are 3 'Havens' in London. They are, effectively, one stop shops for victims of rape/sexual assault staffed by women doctors and crisis workers where forensic evidence such as vaginal swabs can be gathered if this is what the victim wishes/is prepared to undergo and where the process can be stopped at any point by the victim.

The service provides support/referrals through giving statements to giving evidence (where applicable)

No matter what the circumstances, victims are unquestionably BELIEVED and no pressure WHATSOEVER is put on them to make complaints to the police.

Some Met Police district borough forces will refer victims to the Havens; some have access to rape suites staffed in much the same way as these facilities with services provided by various outside agencies who work in the fields of sexual attack/assault/dv.

'The Havens' is a resource for Londoners, or for those who are victimised while in London, which, if it isn't already, should be bookmarked for future reference.

However, the Havens are located in three of the capital's teaching hospitals and, given that Crispy met her rapist in a hospital and fell victim to a man who may be found delivering stretcher/trolley borne casualities to any one of these hospitals, she may not feel entirely comfortable or secure about visiting any of these facilities.

FTR, the Havens can advise with regard to any stis that a victim may have contracted due to a sexual assault, but tests cannot be carried out until several weeks or more have elapsed as it takes some time for stis to present in laboratory/petri dish detectable form.

[CrispyHedgehog]

Thanks all of you.. I'm so sorry this seems to be somethng that so many women have had inflicted on them. I just don't get it.. why would someone DO that?! Why would you want someone to be struggling and fighting against you when you could be with someone who actually wants you? Gahhh

Thank you for the info about the Haven.. I'm just wondering which one to go to.. none of them are anywhere near me so I'll look at which is easiest to get to and go from there, oddly enough one of them is where I see my consultant so I'm very familiar with it and the A&E dept and entrance is well away from the outpatient bit so that should be ok.

The friend who was with me when I met him is coming over to spend the day, she's lovely but she's one of those bouncy, positive people and tbh I'm not sure if I'm up to that. I just want to wallow on my sofa with a blanket and repeats of come dine with me.

[aleene]

Crispy, I hope you were able to speak with your friend and get support today.

Westway, I am so sorry that happened to you. I hope you get some answers.

[aleene]

Bumhead too

[CrispyHedgehog]

I put her off.
Had a duvet day instead.
Feel like a bitch over it tbh.

I've been trying to call the havens but no reply yet. I'll try again early in the morning. I have to do something. I nipped to the local shop today and nearly had a heart attack when an ambulance went by, got all shaky and tearful. I can't live like that.

I'm also going to go to the first pub we went to, as we were getting very odd looks in there and I want to ask why. Maybe he said or did something weird before I got there?

In one hour it will be a week to the minute that I met him. I wish I didn't know that but I do. I wish it had never happened but it did. If I'd worn a different dress that night he wouldn't have noticed me and none of this would have happened. It's just all if if if :(

i wish I could just go to sleep and wake up and it have been a bad dream. Or wiped from my brain. Something. Anything.

fucking no good bastard shit cunt
I hate him
I hate myself
why ws i so fuckng stupid

[MushroomSoup]

Please don't beat yourself up. You have no reason to be hard on yourself. Nothing that happened is because of anything you did or didn't do, or anything you wore or didn't wear or anything you said or didn't say.

It happened because of his sick behaviour.
Sending you hugs and strength x

[CrispyHedgehog]

Thank you mushroom. It's just hard not to look at everything and what i could have done differntly..

Sorry that previous post looks weird.. I started writing it earlier, went off to do something, came back and a load of gibberish came out

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

If I'd worn a different dress that night he wouldn't have noticed me

Fuck that! Please don't make any of this your fault, none of it is your fault, it's all his.

If you find yourself turning this in on yourself, blaming yourself for someone who is not just a cunt but a criminal, call someone x

[izzyizin]

Other than not having gone to the hospital with your friend there's nothing you could have done differently, Crispy, and in my book not supporting a friend in need of medical help is not an option.

It is a fact that many some of the most flawed individuals who walk this earth go into 'public service' and their 'uniform/status' blinds many to the man/woman behind the 'hero' persona they are able to present merely because of the work they do.

When he was full-on in the pub, putting his arm around you, behaving as if he'd known you for years, I suspect that warning bells were sounding; you were thinking wtf but you didn't feel able to call him on it because 'this man regularly sees things that would send someone else bonkers, he puts himself on the line for others and he deserves to able to let off steam in his off-duty hours'.

Maybe you were too busy 'rationalising' along the lines of 'okay so I don't like all this tactile stuff, but maybe this is just his way of sloughing off the 'horrors' that are part of his work and who am I to judge him for that? He's obviously a man's man, full of bonhomie, likes his extreme sports, and it's no skin off my nose to listen to him bore for England for a couple of hours in gratitude for the work he and others do rather than any attraction I feel towards him' to get your brain round the fact that this man was showing you who he is.

When he 'insisted' on walking you home, who would have foreseen the harm in that? If you'd keeled over in the street on any other occasion you'd be heaving a sigh of relief if he, a paramedic, came along and when he asked to use your toilet, how could you have refused?

Could you have said 'sorry, haven't got one' or 'sorry it's not working' and sent him off with his legs crossed? Who among us would have said 'no' or stood at our open front door until a 'hero' had relieved themselves? And what chance would we have stood if the the 'hero' dragged us in and shut the door?

And let's not forget this man wasn't some random you and lets not forget that this man wasn't some random you'd picked up from a bar/club or the internet. You'd seen in him his superman outfit and had every reasonable expectation that he'd be as well-mannered as Clark Kent in his off duty hours.

I can't see anything in the above for you to blame yourself for, can you?

[izzyizin]

I doubt you'll gain much from going to one of the Havens now, Crispy,

You said you were wearing shorts with opaques? Unless he spilled some of his seed on them, so to speak, and you've saved them unwashed together with your underwear, it's too late to prove without doubt that he had sexual intercourse with you.

Not that that's any reason why you shouldn't report him to the police but, if you do, you should be prepared for the CPS to decide not to prosecute him unless other victims come forward as a result of police enquiries - and, given my belief that you are by no means his first victim, that is a possibiity particularly if his name gets 'out there' but, not, I hasten to add, by using anyone here to spread the word.

Instead of waiting for your nearest Haven to answer your call, give Rape Crisis a ring. They can help and advise you and may provide someone to go with you when you have the sti tests you'll need in a couple of weeks time and arrange for you make a complaint if that's what you decide to do.

Btw, whatever you'd worn he'd have honed in on you. Being at least 6" smaller than him and looking to be of a similar age under harsh hospital lighting the only way you'd have escaped his attention is if you'd been wearing a burka.

[izzyizin]

My response at 00.09 is a partial re-write of my lost and gone forever treatise. Part 2 'why he did it' to follow.

I'm curious as to why you got 'very odd looks' at the first pub you went to. I wonder if he's been seen in there being all over a succession of different women in recent weeks? And I wonder if he clocked the 'very odd looks' and that's why you moved on to another venue? How did that come about?

As I've said, this man is not driven by demons compulsion to rape. He could go a month or more without indulging himself but if opportunity occurs every week or every few days, he'll take advantage of it.

[CrispyHedgehog]

Izzy, thanks

I don't think he'd have been in that pub before.. he doesn't live locally, doesn't even live in the same city.

He arrived at the first pub before me, sent me a text asking what I wanted to drink and he was sitting on the benches outside the pub when I arrived.. it was cold so I asked to go inside and he said that he'd sat outside so that I could have a cigarette if I wanted. It was fairly late when we met, 10pmish so when the first pub closed, we went on somewhere else, although he wsa hinting to go to my house at that point too. When I said I wsn't ready to invite him into my home yet he smiled and nodded and said something like "ohh.. you gonna make me wait eh?"

It was odd in that first pub, there were only about 6 people in there - clearly all knew each other and were perched at the bar together chatting with the barman and it was quiet.. not a noisy pub at all but they looked at me very oddly when I passed them to go to the loo - as if they were trying to understand something.. not sure how to describe it. When I went to the bar to get a drink.. again the barman was looking at me very strangely. Going there this evening with a friend, I'm hoping I'll get some kind of answer but really I doubt it tbh.

It wasn't that he bored me so much as that I realised fairly early on that the 'spark' or whatever wasn't there for me, I think tbh he put me off a bit with the intensity and full-on-ness... waaaaay too much too soon. But, I thought well he's come a fair distance so I'll be polite and see out the evening. (Damn my mother for teaching me manners!) I just didn't know how to leave without seeming rude.

[CrispyHedgehog]

Just remembered something.. he said he used to live in my area, and that pub used to be his local several years ago :s
When he was doing it.. he kept saying he'd been single for 7 years and it was his choice.. was I supposed to feel priveleged or soemthing???

Stupidly I've binned everything from that night.. couldn't bear seeing it.. even the glass he drank from.

[Lueji]

For all you know he could have followed you home and then attacked you.
Or on the way home, or after the second date, etc
Don't feel bad for being trusting.

[Heleninahandcart]

Crispy I have followed your thread from the beginning. I am so sorry he did this. His intent, his actions, his shame. Do try and be kind to yourself, nothing you said, wore or did makes any of this your responsibility.

[OrangeImperialGoldBlether]

Crispy, have the binmen been?

I hope you can find out something from the people at the bar. You're brave going back there tonight.

I don't think you need to keep anything from the night because I don't think this person will deny having sex with you.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

[CrispyHedgehog]

I don't know if the binmen came.. they're a bit random and I've not really paid attention tbh. I could go and look

His car will be seen parked on my drive on the cctv, not sure if it would be clear enough to pick up the reg or not tho. All I can remember is it was a dark blue 2 seater convertible thing.. and he was very precious about it.

I'm wobbling a bit about going to that pub again, and really I'm not sure there's any point. I doubt they'll tell me anything.

Thanks all of you for being so lovely to me, it really means a lot. I don't want to tell anyone in rl because I don't want to be looked at differently.