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does it ever work with a man who's 'Out Of Your League' in many aspects? (sorry, long)

283 replies

allchangeplease · 23/09/2012 18:35

I'm wondering how much does confidence matter in these situoations? If you had success with a man you (secretly) looked up to, was down to sheer confidence, or was it flattery admiration that worked?
A bit of a backstory. I've contacted this man on a dating site, I REALLY like everything he said, the photos (no Greek God but really appeals to me), he also (!) included a photo which was published in eligible bachelor section of a glossy albeit years ago Shock, though he doesn't look as good now - he made a funny comment about that, and if you are wondering, it wasn't that that made me interested, I noticed the fact later in his long intro. He is obviously talented, he is a publushed poet, he states that he is comfortable financially and I just love his sense of humour AND his voice recording. He sounds kind and not dull like so many online guys. He also does sound very confident behind the humour. I was like that Shock as normally I find very very few men online interesting and worth contacting and none so far compared for me. I know, I know, he may be an arsehole with issues in RL, as he never got married and he is approaching 50. But I want to meet him at least.
He hasn't replied to me first time round, so I wrote to him again Blush after listening to his voice once more, thinking that it was unusual for him not even to ask questions, even though I haven't ticked some of his 'potential partner' boxes, but normally men like my photos (nothing revealing or overtly sexy) and at least attempt some dialogue. I felt I wanted him even more as he is a challenge. He said he'd prefer a woman with English as home language while I'm foreign but spent all my grown up life here, he also said she needs to be in or near London when I'm not, though I do visit quite often. He also wants someone with a good stable social circle which really I don't have as i didn't study here and just have a few friends, not a 'network'. When i wrote to him i explained that I know I'm not 'perfect' and then asked him, the second time, whether he is sure he doesn't want to meet. He now replied with an auto reply that he will write to me when he subscribes. It's very easy to sunscribe so you can send mesages, if anything you can do so for a week for under 10 pounds, it's been two weeks since mu last message and a day or so since his reply. Obviously he is not that keen.
Do you think it's worth pursuaing or eve nmeeting if he does reply? He is a bit on a posh side with his speech and looks, I just worry that English guys like this are really snobsat heart and even if attracted to a woman, just wouldn't see her seriously as LTR partner material? He is not the only example of a man I'm attarcted to but don't 'push it' out of this lack of confidence/cynicism. I always hide the lack of confidence by playing cool if met with lujkewarm response, or with just physical interest, but deep down I want to be braver and try a pushy approach. Did this ever work for you, when yo knew that socially and possibly financially he is of higher status?
Is it worth it or not, as even if you gain his interest you may have to prove yourself for a long time to him and his friends etc.? I do admire Kate for being so thick skinned what with the sniggering from William's friends, before he proposed. Yes, it's nothing like as this 'high up' in my case but on a smaller scale still applies.
If it did work for you, do you think it's because he just liked you and you didn't actually put any effort i.e. luck of the draw, or did the efforts you made paid off, and any advice in this case? Is it justa case of being brazen and forgetting about all the issues?

OP posts:
LemonDrizzled · 23/09/2012 23:32

AnyFucker you are out of my league but I LOVE you...

allchangeplease · 23/09/2012 23:33

Yes, Lemon, I would. He is not really wealthy, as I said before I wasn't interested in wealth. The point is that these men seem to be closed off to liking a woman for what she is as they have these rigid requests on the sites. Maybe internet dating isn't for me, as I don't sound too great on the paper.

OP posts:
LizLemon007 · 23/09/2012 23:33

Another thing about leagues.. now, I wouldn't give a good looking man who was a tosser the time of day. Because if he is a tosser he's not worthy of me (ie, out of MY league because I'm nice :-) )

I didn't want to make it sound like I had LOWERED the bar since my 20s. It may have sounded like that. I've stopped chasing the guys that have so much charisma that every woman fancies them. But I wouldn't be interested in anybody who wasn't a decent man. So in some ways, it might seem like I'm pitching below my weight now, but I'm just.... pitching in worthier leagues.

Aspiemum2 · 23/09/2012 23:33

Oh I do love a man who boasts about previous conquests Wink wonder why he's single at 50 Hmm

AnyFucker · 23/09/2012 23:34

OP has form ?

oh well, I had a larf

it killed a half hour rather than watching DH snore his head oiff in the armchair, and there is nowt on telly

like, I said, OP, you are a bit daft, but I say that now in a slightly less well-disposed fashion

allchangeplease · 23/09/2012 23:34

AF, I hear that he may be a tosser, though obviously having not met him it's hard to confirm!

OP posts:
Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 23/09/2012 23:34

Yes do post his profile, and we will pass a glance over it and offer our opinions.

I'm happily married btw and not muscling in as competition.

I enjoy reading profiles as a hobby though. Particularly when friends require an honest opinion. I think these sites are easy to get lost in, a lot of it seems to consist of folk weaving a romantic gossamer of falseness around a very boring personality. Men I mean. I think the women come across slightly better.

allchangeplease · 23/09/2012 23:35

'on paper'

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/09/2012 23:35

Lemon, you are in my league, love Grin

LizLemon007 · 23/09/2012 23:36

I don't sound great on paper either! single parent, unemployed!! But if you click with somebody you click with them.

Are you looking for somebody who will moodily retire to a dark room to write poetry!? was his really the profile that caught your eye???

Go back and have another look at the profiles and see if anybody with a bit more self-awareness than the poet jumps out at you!

It can be hard to see people's good points on line. Pictures of bald guys are the most confusing!!! they could be absolute thugs, or they could be lovely guys who are just bald.

geegee888 · 23/09/2012 23:36

OP - are you the poster whom people smile at maliciously and have the disease that makes you young looking and pretty?

LizLemon007 · 23/09/2012 23:37

Aw thank you!! Wine

AnyFucker · 23/09/2012 23:38

arf

LemonDrizzled · 23/09/2012 23:40

I may in fact be leagues above you AF as I pretend to love going to the opera and wear a tiara to Tescos. Grin
I have a lovely bit of rough boyfriend who makes me happy so I overlook the fact he doesn't have a dinner jacket and drives a Berlingo!

LizLemon007 · 23/09/2012 23:40

There was one guy who said he was more sensual than other men. Yuck!! I hid his profile. He even managed to work the word sensual into his profile name. His interests were listed as sexual coming of age stories and erotic from the early 20th century. Jayzuss! how terrifying. And he of all the men on there liked me and kept messaging me. I had to tell him I was a prude to get him to give up on me.

LizLemon007 · 23/09/2012 23:41

Anyfucker, were you talking to the other lemon. I'm in your league too doncha know.

AnyFucker · 23/09/2012 23:41

hehe, lemon Grin

hatesponge · 23/09/2012 23:42

On paper I'm brilliant Grin. However it makes little difference as the only men I attract online are nutters, weirdos, racists, pervs...you get the idea!

Punkatheart · 23/09/2012 23:42

I discovered my OH on a dating site last year when we had split up. His profile made him sound lovely - saying that he adored his daughter and he was starting a new chapter in his life. The reality? He is a cowardly selfish man who left a partner with cancer; he is at least £20,000 in debt and his daughter never wants to see him again. The reality is often so much more complicated than - in his case - the jolly picture. I need to meet people in the flesh - see the truth in their eyes, smell them, listen to the way they say the words and not the order in which they say them.

Please post his profile. He sounds awful!

allchangeplease · 23/09/2012 23:42

Leverette, with no results though. I'm also discriminating, and have criteria, but if I see that someone is making a special effort and appreciates me I'd at least talk to a guy with more questions, before dismissing him. Of course I don't have to, and he may well still write to me, but in principle I would consider those who don't tick all boxes if they make an effort. Maybe this is a woman's mentality, and men actually appreciate cool attitude, I don't know with online.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/09/2012 23:43

my messages could equally work for both lemons

I don't place one lemon above another, on the basis of their internet ramblings Grin

LizLemon007 · 23/09/2012 23:44

keep your options open! it's like stocks and shares really Grin

AnyFucker · 23/09/2012 23:44

I do hate "sensual" men though, I mean fuck how wanky is that ?

I bet "sensual" men do that feathery stroking shit < shudders >

LizLemon007 · 23/09/2012 23:45

wow punkatheart.... :-0

LemonDrizzled · 23/09/2012 23:46

Anyway AF if you did place one lemon above the other it would wobble and fall off. Lemons are best with their bottoms on the ground as it were...

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