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does it ever work with a man who's 'Out Of Your League' in many aspects? (sorry, long)

283 replies

allchangeplease · 23/09/2012 18:35

I'm wondering how much does confidence matter in these situoations? If you had success with a man you (secretly) looked up to, was down to sheer confidence, or was it flattery admiration that worked?
A bit of a backstory. I've contacted this man on a dating site, I REALLY like everything he said, the photos (no Greek God but really appeals to me), he also (!) included a photo which was published in eligible bachelor section of a glossy albeit years ago Shock, though he doesn't look as good now - he made a funny comment about that, and if you are wondering, it wasn't that that made me interested, I noticed the fact later in his long intro. He is obviously talented, he is a publushed poet, he states that he is comfortable financially and I just love his sense of humour AND his voice recording. He sounds kind and not dull like so many online guys. He also does sound very confident behind the humour. I was like that Shock as normally I find very very few men online interesting and worth contacting and none so far compared for me. I know, I know, he may be an arsehole with issues in RL, as he never got married and he is approaching 50. But I want to meet him at least.
He hasn't replied to me first time round, so I wrote to him again Blush after listening to his voice once more, thinking that it was unusual for him not even to ask questions, even though I haven't ticked some of his 'potential partner' boxes, but normally men like my photos (nothing revealing or overtly sexy) and at least attempt some dialogue. I felt I wanted him even more as he is a challenge. He said he'd prefer a woman with English as home language while I'm foreign but spent all my grown up life here, he also said she needs to be in or near London when I'm not, though I do visit quite often. He also wants someone with a good stable social circle which really I don't have as i didn't study here and just have a few friends, not a 'network'. When i wrote to him i explained that I know I'm not 'perfect' and then asked him, the second time, whether he is sure he doesn't want to meet. He now replied with an auto reply that he will write to me when he subscribes. It's very easy to sunscribe so you can send mesages, if anything you can do so for a week for under 10 pounds, it's been two weeks since mu last message and a day or so since his reply. Obviously he is not that keen.
Do you think it's worth pursuaing or eve nmeeting if he does reply? He is a bit on a posh side with his speech and looks, I just worry that English guys like this are really snobsat heart and even if attracted to a woman, just wouldn't see her seriously as LTR partner material? He is not the only example of a man I'm attarcted to but don't 'push it' out of this lack of confidence/cynicism. I always hide the lack of confidence by playing cool if met with lujkewarm response, or with just physical interest, but deep down I want to be braver and try a pushy approach. Did this ever work for you, when yo knew that socially and possibly financially he is of higher status?
Is it worth it or not, as even if you gain his interest you may have to prove yourself for a long time to him and his friends etc.? I do admire Kate for being so thick skinned what with the sniggering from William's friends, before he proposed. Yes, it's nothing like as this 'high up' in my case but on a smaller scale still applies.
If it did work for you, do you think it's because he just liked you and you didn't actually put any effort i.e. luck of the draw, or did the efforts you made paid off, and any advice in this case? Is it justa case of being brazen and forgetting about all the issues?

OP posts:
Offred · 23/09/2012 22:42

What I think is worth the effort is giving everyone a chance, being confident in what you want/expect and not getting swept up too soon.

AnyFucker · 23/09/2012 22:43

OP, you sound a bit daft, and like you might need to find another hobby

hth Smile (no offence meant)

Offred · 23/09/2012 22:44

Damn AF. I thought saying get a hobby was too mean.

scottishmummy · 23/09/2012 22:45

can you have chemistry in online relationship.NO
oxymoron.Theres no such thing as online relationship
there is you wishfully filling in blanks and daydreaming what ifs

cheesesarnie · 23/09/2012 22:46

second everything that af said.

op- you need to find another man to obsess over i'm afraid.

AnyFucker · 23/09/2012 22:47

Offred, sometimes being a bit cruel is the kind option Smile

I doubt Op will listen anyway, she's on a mission

scottishmummy · 23/09/2012 22:48

you can't have relationship online
that's projecting hopes,wishes,fantasy onto words on a screen
online is fun.you want enduring connection get a dog or meet real man

Offred · 23/09/2012 22:48

Dh says "she should hide out in a bush outside his house and take photos, that'd help" Shock

allchangeplease · 23/09/2012 22:50

Offred, as I said it's not only about this guy but his 'type' if you like, I just want to understand them, are they really snobs and nothing can be done about it? It's a little hurtful believe it or not when someone rejects you purely based on your social group (I'm white so it's not racial, and I once dated a young guy like this who came up with 'I'm sorry for you, as you attractive and intelligent but not part of the social scene'. Shock). Maybe growing up in the UK, you just don't notice the issue but it's glaring to a foreign-born people as in many countries there aer no obvious class-divides. I'm attacted to the type but wonder whether I should stop it or just be much braver if I want to date them. This is not just about him but he just stands out on the internet (if you read the profile you'd see it) but I did say lots of times that I don't know him and would only want to meet and see.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 23/09/2012 22:50

Let you down as a partner? You haven't even met this bloke! It's a dating site and he's not even committed to subscribing to it. You messaged him twice he's not got back to you about meeting up.

Back off and focus on yourself in real life, not these dating sites.

expatinscotland · 23/09/2012 22:52

Get together with some mates. Go out on the pull. At least you've actually met the bloke in real life then!

allchangeplease · 23/09/2012 22:52

scottish - I mean, that's why I want to meet him, how can you say he feels no chemistry if he never met me? we are not messaging now so it's not an online relationship like some have..I'm not interested in that.

OP posts:
Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 23/09/2012 22:52

He probably asks for an English woman, and I'm presuming he means British, but that's annoyed me already, because these websites attract a bucketful of Russian Svetlanas seeking green cards and a marriage of convenience.

I'm using this as an example, because my mate joined dating direct, and was constantly bothered by emails from Russia, for women promising to make a good wife, when all he wanted was a blossoming deep relationship, conversation with a partner.of a similar background.

My husband and I have a relationship very much based around English humour. I work in a global office and in a country outside the UK and i find it a bit exhausting and flat some days. It's nice that someone gets my core personality iyswim.

For them to have established friendships, possibly because he's met some obsessive women in his past history, that he felt smothered him. Therefore he wants people to be secure in their own networks instead of owning his? And i'm assuming he gets smothered quite easily if he is single and 50.

Is it......George....Clooney....?

Look at his age, he knows what he wants, and what he doesn't want. He's stated that, and he's put you off twice. Just leave him alone op. He's not better than you, he's just different.

scottishmummy · 23/09/2012 22:54

you write as if it's qualitative research,types and subsets
this is your real life and you're preoccupied by types and categories
it's not about English or not.it's about getting a grip and stop fannying about categorizing

AnyFucker · 23/09/2012 22:54

heh @ is it George Clooney

scottishmummy · 23/09/2012 22:57

he's not chosen to met you yet because there no chemistry
you may be one of many women he communicates with
you seem to be constructing relationship out of nothing.it's words on a screen.thats all

allchangeplease · 23/09/2012 22:59

expat - please read carefully, I didn't mean this guy shouldn't let me down, I was describing a potential partner, and what's important above the social stuff. How am I not backing off? He messaged yesterday that he will write when subscribes so I'm just waiting but I'm chatting with others who write at the same time.
Where should I go on the pull? I don't drink much/not a pub goer. I'm not 20 either Grin.
There are a lot of examples on MN about people finding partners and husbands online, scottish. It's not a complete fantasy. People over 35 find it hard to meet men who are free, sadly.

OP posts:
Leverette · 23/09/2012 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Offred · 23/09/2012 23:01

But.... But... Do you not know how dating sites work?!

People write what they think are their bottom lines and the ones who are successful in meeting partners use that to exclude others based only on what they really don't want and meet anyone else that might be ok before they progress onto thinking about feelings and long term relationships.

A high number of people exclude people for what seems to the other person like arbitrary reasons but I don't understand why in that case it would work to push it?!

Why do you believe people are "out of your league" or "higher social status"? There's no such thing.

scottishmummy · 23/09/2012 23:02

yes,operative word being meet.you've never met him
online date yes,but meet in rl before you start analyzing it all
unless of course you like the drama and what ifs

Offred · 23/09/2012 23:04

People who obsess over every tiniest detail of a profile, hand wring about bullying racist men into liking them even though they are foreign, won't give people a chance unless they have exceptional profiles and expect an emotional connection right away are not likely to be suited to meeting someone worthwhile online IMHO.

hatesponge · 23/09/2012 23:04

you can appear to have all kinds of chemistry online. but you can't ever know til you meet someone. and guys online are not always what they seem - I had one telling me he loved me a fortnight ago, bombarded me with 100s of texts a day, said I was the sort of woman he wanted to marry Hmm - we had one date and I have barely heard from him since, and doubt very much I will see him again. A lot of men (and women) online are more in love with the idea of a relationship, the reality of one scares the fuck out of them.

I don't think you had anything to lose by messaging this guy once, twice at a push. I wouldn't pursue it any further though unless he contacts you. If he doesnt contact you though I honestly dont think its a 'league' thing. IT shouldnt dissuade you from contacting anyone else you like the look/sound of either. but really dont put all your eggs in one basket, internet men are mostly crappy tbh, and it's best to keep your expectations low!

allchangeplease · 23/09/2012 23:08

scottishmummy where once did I sau this was a relationship? you do puzzle me! You also contradict yourself - you say no one can tell if there is chemistry online, yet you just said that he hasn't met me as there is no chemistry (from reading my profile).
Binfull, Grin at George Clooney! I'm a British citizen and have lived in this country for 20 yrs, I'm divorced, all of this is stated in my profile, he knows where I live now and that I'm often in London. I was very upfront with all my 'non-ticked boxes' which women with agenda don't do, they just lie. As to wanting someone who doesn't rely on his network I agree, you have a point, but is this the worst that can happen if the partner is loving/appreciates you and has SOME friends and their own work?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 23/09/2012 23:10

You could make up a new identity and contact him again. Help. Did I really say that! If you are so determined to meet him.

scottishmummy · 23/09/2012 23:11

you seem v preoccupied by minuatie
There no real life chemistry as you've never met
and he doesn't seem to have potential chemistry or interest as he's never asked to met you

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