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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

does it ever work with a man who's 'Out Of Your League' in many aspects? (sorry, long)

283 replies

allchangeplease · 23/09/2012 18:35

I'm wondering how much does confidence matter in these situoations? If you had success with a man you (secretly) looked up to, was down to sheer confidence, or was it flattery admiration that worked?
A bit of a backstory. I've contacted this man on a dating site, I REALLY like everything he said, the photos (no Greek God but really appeals to me), he also (!) included a photo which was published in eligible bachelor section of a glossy albeit years ago Shock, though he doesn't look as good now - he made a funny comment about that, and if you are wondering, it wasn't that that made me interested, I noticed the fact later in his long intro. He is obviously talented, he is a publushed poet, he states that he is comfortable financially and I just love his sense of humour AND his voice recording. He sounds kind and not dull like so many online guys. He also does sound very confident behind the humour. I was like that Shock as normally I find very very few men online interesting and worth contacting and none so far compared for me. I know, I know, he may be an arsehole with issues in RL, as he never got married and he is approaching 50. But I want to meet him at least.
He hasn't replied to me first time round, so I wrote to him again Blush after listening to his voice once more, thinking that it was unusual for him not even to ask questions, even though I haven't ticked some of his 'potential partner' boxes, but normally men like my photos (nothing revealing or overtly sexy) and at least attempt some dialogue. I felt I wanted him even more as he is a challenge. He said he'd prefer a woman with English as home language while I'm foreign but spent all my grown up life here, he also said she needs to be in or near London when I'm not, though I do visit quite often. He also wants someone with a good stable social circle which really I don't have as i didn't study here and just have a few friends, not a 'network'. When i wrote to him i explained that I know I'm not 'perfect' and then asked him, the second time, whether he is sure he doesn't want to meet. He now replied with an auto reply that he will write to me when he subscribes. It's very easy to sunscribe so you can send mesages, if anything you can do so for a week for under 10 pounds, it's been two weeks since mu last message and a day or so since his reply. Obviously he is not that keen.
Do you think it's worth pursuaing or eve nmeeting if he does reply? He is a bit on a posh side with his speech and looks, I just worry that English guys like this are really snobsat heart and even if attracted to a woman, just wouldn't see her seriously as LTR partner material? He is not the only example of a man I'm attarcted to but don't 'push it' out of this lack of confidence/cynicism. I always hide the lack of confidence by playing cool if met with lujkewarm response, or with just physical interest, but deep down I want to be braver and try a pushy approach. Did this ever work for you, when yo knew that socially and possibly financially he is of higher status?
Is it worth it or not, as even if you gain his interest you may have to prove yourself for a long time to him and his friends etc.? I do admire Kate for being so thick skinned what with the sniggering from William's friends, before he proposed. Yes, it's nothing like as this 'high up' in my case but on a smaller scale still applies.
If it did work for you, do you think it's because he just liked you and you didn't actually put any effort i.e. luck of the draw, or did the efforts you made paid off, and any advice in this case? Is it justa case of being brazen and forgetting about all the issues?

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allchangeplease · 23/09/2012 23:47

geegee, sorry? whatever you mean, no I'm not Confused.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/09/2012 23:47

true Grin

allchangeplease · 23/09/2012 23:48

Lemon - is that what they do, retire into a dark room? I though they pace the fields Grin.

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Downunderdolly · 23/09/2012 23:49

I don't normally post that much but as I am currently testing out the internet dating waters and - whilst British - am living in a foreign country so have the same kind of issues to face in not really knowing and understanding the nuances of 'society'.

I think you asked a couple of main questions but they are seperate to this man.

  1. Nuances of society and how men of a 'certain standing' as you put it have nothing to do with this specific situation. For whatever reason the guy is not drawn to your profile or your correspondence with him. Don't take it personally. He does not know you, you don't him. You thought you may have something in common enough to meet. He doesn't. Stop giving him headspace. You imagined his character, you can't tell from a profile, you have lost nothing, his 'rejection' is not personal at all.
  1. I fully understand that you can get 'excited' when you see someone's profile that breaks the mould in terms of online dating, perhaps more eloquant or funny than others. Take this is a good sign that if you are attracted to this type of man, then more may come along and use the site you are on - he did, why not more?
  1. Maybe try and think why this guy's 'rejection' has got under your skin so much? I don't want to sound mean but it's really not that normal a response and I don't think that helpful for your future dating adventures if you get so fixated on someone that you dont' know, haven't met and haven't even exchanged any messages with (beyond reading his profile and an automated response). Perhaps you are frustrated with other things in your life that 'don't seem fair' and projecting onto this guy (this possibly sounds patronising but trying to help).
  1. In terms of your questions about social standing/social types - you can't generalise. You will get terrific bore/snobs who only flock to the same crowd, just as you will get fabulously interesting and fun people who know their own mind and are great company. It does sound though that you may have zeroed in on this 'type' outside of their individual personalities which is really just as unappealing as someone that only wants to date an 'English' person etc and unlikely to end well - plus will likely raise alarm bells if you do get close as just as unattractive as someone only wanting to be with you for money/tits/blonde hair/french accent - tick appropriate dehumanizing box.

That said you sound like you know what you want, so good luck in finding it but leave this guy who may or may not be an arsehole or may or not be fabulous alone because irrespective of the truth, he just isn't that into your online profile.

Good luck xx

LemonDrizzled · 23/09/2012 23:52

That's a sensible post Dolly

allchangeplease · 23/09/2012 23:53

Lemon, Grin at sensual man, yuk! there are all sorts of horrors especially on free sites, but everywhere in small doses.
Punk, that's horrible! sorry to hear that the liar was your P.
I can't post his profile, not respectful, is it.

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Offred · 23/09/2012 23:53

But you cannot "appreciate" someone from an online profile... Surely if you think that that is where you are going very wrong. I don't believe you give people a chance from what you say you arbitrarily exclude a number of people for superficial reasons and then further exclude people on meeting.

MummysHappyPills · 23/09/2012 23:55

Surely his profile is in the public domain anyway? Can't you just "guide" us to it? Grin Not like we can contact him anyway if we're not subscribed... Smile

MummysHappyPills · 23/09/2012 23:57

Btw is anyone else picturing a Nigel Havers a la corrie gigolo type?! Grin

Offred · 23/09/2012 23:57

And then you complain when someone doesn't want to meet you when you are not someone they said they wanted to meet...

suburbophobe · 23/09/2012 23:58

Well, I haven't read the whole thread so I don't know if he's contacted you but it really reminds me of the brilliant saying:

Don't make someone a priority for whom you are only an option....

Punkatheart · 23/09/2012 23:59

If his name begins with P and it's six letters...it may be my ex...run for the hills.

It is sad though...because undoubtedly there are men among all the idiots who are wonderful. Just sad/lonely/wanting a relationship with some depth. I just haven't got the energy to seek 'em out. Collection of cats and bad knitting awaits.

MadameDefarge · 23/09/2012 23:59

you could just tell us the site and hint at his name....or pm me it...i will prob know him....

MadameDefarge · 24/09/2012 00:00

you could just tell us the site and hint at his name....or pm me it...

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 24/09/2012 00:00

Did he have a B&W photo of himself, face half shaded, staring thoughtfully off into the distance of a sash bay window, whilst wearing a polo neck sweater, op?

I often wonder who takes the pic......

allchangeplease · 24/09/2012 00:01

Dolly, thanks. As to your number 3 - I did mention before that when i was in my 20s the guy came up with 'sorry for you' speech, based on the fact that all me attractiveness/intelligence didn't count for much as I was an outsider of his social group, meaning I would get a lot more attention if /i was part of it. He was extremely arrogant (very young) but it affected me, so I'm sensitive to this type rejectig me and wondering whether there are exceptions (I'm sure there are). Then another guy who was really after me for sex said that his wife would only be from his social group (I didn't shag him). So it's not just this guy and I'm not fixated, it's only been a week of me thinking why hasn't he replied, and who knows he may still reply, in which case wondering whether to meet.
How are these issues affect your online dating? you seem to understand nuances, even though you say yo don't. Agree with other points.

OP posts:
Punkatheart · 24/09/2012 00:05

You are still seriously thinking of meeting up with a 'wealthy poet' (an oxymoron) who only wants English women living in London...and frankly sounds like a complete tosser?

(Slaps forehead)

MadameDefarge · 24/09/2012 00:05

sodding phone....but am gagging to check out this profile

allchangeplease · 24/09/2012 00:05

Offred you do have to fancy someone on meeting, I do not discriminate more than men do as to age/kids'location etc, I meant I'm also limited in choices as they don't contact me if these things don't suit them. On meeting..I will see the first guy again but I douby I will start fancying him, he'd be good as a friend maybe which is also great. I'm chatting to others, I'm not just stuck on one. But you can't meet everyone regardless of whether the photo appeals ot not, and what they say. I'm dipping the toe, not up to weekly meeting with a new man yet.

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allchangeplease · 24/09/2012 00:07

Punk, I nearly got scared! It does start with P (screen name) but no it's seven letters

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LemonDrizzled · 24/09/2012 00:08

HappyPills I'm channelling aging roue here - in a Noel Coward type dressing gown looking languid with a cheroot.

allchangeplease · 24/09/2012 00:09

Mummy and Madame, I will pm if he doesn't message me, but I can't put it on here.

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allchangeplease · 24/09/2012 00:10

suburb I agree, he is not a priority he is my favourite on the internet now and i haven't looked at THAT many profiles yet. The man i already met has a very good profile too, as i say shame i didn't fancy him on meeting.

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izzyizin · 24/09/2012 00:11

Some of those internet dating site terms explained:

Sensual - wears entire can of Lynx for first date; thereafter reeks of BO
Tactile - more arms than an octopus and hands that could pinch arse for Italy
Romantic - turns overhead lights off in bid to hide his acne/paunch/bad breath
Sensitive - Mummy's boy
Considerate - lends you his phone to call and pay for your cab home
Good sense of humour -except when the joke's on him
Liberal thinker - pervert
Free thinker - see above
Educated - barely
Intellectual - has attained basic literacy skills
Successful - won school conker championship yonks ago
Musical - plays air guitar badly
Sporty - couch potato

allchangeplease · 24/09/2012 00:12

Collection of cats and bad knitting Grin
Punk, you should write, not just knit! comic talent no doubt - prose AND poetry at that!

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