Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

does it ever work with a man who's 'Out Of Your League' in many aspects? (sorry, long)

283 replies

allchangeplease · 23/09/2012 18:35

I'm wondering how much does confidence matter in these situoations? If you had success with a man you (secretly) looked up to, was down to sheer confidence, or was it flattery admiration that worked?
A bit of a backstory. I've contacted this man on a dating site, I REALLY like everything he said, the photos (no Greek God but really appeals to me), he also (!) included a photo which was published in eligible bachelor section of a glossy albeit years ago Shock, though he doesn't look as good now - he made a funny comment about that, and if you are wondering, it wasn't that that made me interested, I noticed the fact later in his long intro. He is obviously talented, he is a publushed poet, he states that he is comfortable financially and I just love his sense of humour AND his voice recording. He sounds kind and not dull like so many online guys. He also does sound very confident behind the humour. I was like that Shock as normally I find very very few men online interesting and worth contacting and none so far compared for me. I know, I know, he may be an arsehole with issues in RL, as he never got married and he is approaching 50. But I want to meet him at least.
He hasn't replied to me first time round, so I wrote to him again Blush after listening to his voice once more, thinking that it was unusual for him not even to ask questions, even though I haven't ticked some of his 'potential partner' boxes, but normally men like my photos (nothing revealing or overtly sexy) and at least attempt some dialogue. I felt I wanted him even more as he is a challenge. He said he'd prefer a woman with English as home language while I'm foreign but spent all my grown up life here, he also said she needs to be in or near London when I'm not, though I do visit quite often. He also wants someone with a good stable social circle which really I don't have as i didn't study here and just have a few friends, not a 'network'. When i wrote to him i explained that I know I'm not 'perfect' and then asked him, the second time, whether he is sure he doesn't want to meet. He now replied with an auto reply that he will write to me when he subscribes. It's very easy to sunscribe so you can send mesages, if anything you can do so for a week for under 10 pounds, it's been two weeks since mu last message and a day or so since his reply. Obviously he is not that keen.
Do you think it's worth pursuaing or eve nmeeting if he does reply? He is a bit on a posh side with his speech and looks, I just worry that English guys like this are really snobsat heart and even if attracted to a woman, just wouldn't see her seriously as LTR partner material? He is not the only example of a man I'm attarcted to but don't 'push it' out of this lack of confidence/cynicism. I always hide the lack of confidence by playing cool if met with lujkewarm response, or with just physical interest, but deep down I want to be braver and try a pushy approach. Did this ever work for you, when yo knew that socially and possibly financially he is of higher status?
Is it worth it or not, as even if you gain his interest you may have to prove yourself for a long time to him and his friends etc.? I do admire Kate for being so thick skinned what with the sniggering from William's friends, before he proposed. Yes, it's nothing like as this 'high up' in my case but on a smaller scale still applies.
If it did work for you, do you think it's because he just liked you and you didn't actually put any effort i.e. luck of the draw, or did the efforts you made paid off, and any advice in this case? Is it justa case of being brazen and forgetting about all the issues?

OP posts:
tiredofwaitingforitalltochange · 23/09/2012 19:45

What AF said

dequoisagitil · 23/09/2012 19:50

A guy who is a 'challenge' and who you put on a pedestal can only bring you misery.

Punkatheart · 23/09/2012 19:52

Things don't add up and the fact that he hasn't even committed to subscribing. You are worth more, my love. Look for someone special and who hasn't disappeared up their own back entrance!

nkf · 23/09/2012 19:53

He's said he doesn't want to meet you. Good thing too. I spent far too much time in my youth with poets. What was I thinking of? I doubt he's out of your leage - but he doesn't want to meet up. That's all you need to know really.

Punkatheart · 23/09/2012 20:10

There was an old poet who thought he was God
But really he was an egocentric old sod
He hid behind racism and said he was rich
But was truly deluded and his willy was a tich

No more wine for me!

Offred · 23/09/2012 20:22

Gosh, why is your self esteem so low that you have decided from a dating profile that someone is "out of my league"?! And two messages with no response and you are still obsessing over him? And he's a poet?!

Pah, move on...

EdMcDunnough · 23/09/2012 20:29

I don't know, honestly.

I have a very close friend who is totally out of my league yet we got it on for a while, a year or so ago. We are too different to live together or build our lives around each other but on some level it seems to work out. Maybe more like brother and sister than lovers but there is still this sexual element to it.

I think you don't know until you try - I never expected to meet someone like him, and he has his sights set way over my head, but still, I get a lot out of being around him...he makes me feel happy which is difficult with everything that's going on.

I think of him as a gift...but he still annoys me a lot sometimes Smile

carlywurly · 23/09/2012 20:30

Grin punkatheart

I think internet dating can be like seeing a shop full of lovely, glittery things which aren't necessarily available to buy. Leave this one well alone - you don't fit some major criteria for him, and sound a tiny bit pushy tbh. You don't live locally - a deal breaker to start with if he's after a regular relationship.

Also, if he's a poet, it might be quite a big deal for him that his partner shares his first language - I commented to DP recently, that it would matter to me if English weren't his first language, as so much of our shared humour is based on silly puns and the like. I have a close friend who has lived in England for much of his life, and has always been bi lingual, but when we chat, there are some nuances which are lost in translation.

Everyone is entitled to have their own selection criteria, but internet dating makes this far more obvious than would be the case in RL. And he sounds a bit of a dick, in honesty.

EdMcDunnough · 23/09/2012 20:31

I would step away from dating sites though. They are dream fodder, nothing more unless you're VERY lucky - honestly it's just so sad (I mean genuinely) tryingto build something out of nothing - they are faces and a bit of writing, you don't KNOW these guys. iyswim it is far better to wait and meet someone REAL in real life that you can get to know.

It'll happen.

AnyFucker · 23/09/2012 20:42

Grin @ Punk

Mumsyblouse · 23/09/2012 20:53

I obviously have a huge ego, but I don't get what 'out of my league' really means? I don't think anyone is out of my league, they might be not my type and I may not be theirs, but not better than me. I really do think this is a self-esteem issue, someone may have money/status but you may have a lovely personality/body/laugh at their jokes/have your own money/status. Usually people have something to exchange, a younger attractive woman with a sexy foreign accent may be out of the league of a not so hot 50 something poet who has never married. It's all a question of perspective.

Heleninahandcart · 23/09/2012 20:54

I just worry that English guys like this are really snobsat heart and even if attracted to a woman, just wouldn't see her seriously as LTR partner material?

Yes, but that is not because he is out of your 'league', it's because he already sounds like a knobber imho.

Posh voice, but no subscription.

50 and never married
Poet, I'm with MadameDefarge on this one Grin
trading of past 'glory' of eligible bachelor. Eww!

Apart from this, he has said he is not interested and the only credit I can give him is that he was polite about this. The question you should ask is why you would want to be with someone who is not interested, and why you think you are somehow below his 'league'.

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 23/09/2012 20:54

I would LOVE to see this guys profile.

I'm sure it would be like bringing your "dream boy" to meet your mates.

Two sentences in and all of a sudden he's as flat and tasteless as a half empty tin of Bass Shandy, and you feel mortified for building him up.

Apart from the fact that he seems to have done that himself...Grin

AnyFucker · 23/09/2012 20:57

hey, OP, if you brought him to meet me if I was part of your friendship group, my lip would curl

he sounds like a tosser

hatesponge · 23/09/2012 21:07

I agree that no-one is better than anyone else - I am sure some people think they are - I have known people in the past who wouldn't date anyone who wasn't wealthy/public school educated etc but frankly that's their issue and I wouldn't want to date anyone who had such a narrow view!

LastMangoInParis · 23/09/2012 21:10

Mumsy has nailed it! Smile
It's completely perspective-dependent - and you're not doing yourself any favours creating 'league-tables' (especially when you end up on a lower rung than someone who doesn't seem interested in you).
Also, though, as others have said WRT to messaging him: once is fine (but only sort of, really, if you don't fit the criteria he's looking for), twice, if he hasn't responded, is a bit bold. Three times probably is moving into harassment territory.
I think you should consider how you'd feel if someone was taking this bullish 'confident' approach with you, and start respecting his boundaries.
I think the fact that on the one hand you seem in awe of him, but on the other hand you don't seem to want to respect his boundaries does suggest that you need to stand back and think about why this is, what you're looking for, why that's what you think you want and how to try and develop a relationship that's more equal and fulfilling (if a relationship is really what you want right now).

AllPastYears · 23/09/2012 21:27

"What AF said"

That's basically it, isn't it - I mean, if AF is been on a relationships thread, she always hits the spot and all the rest of us might as well just put "What AF said". Grin

AnyFucker · 23/09/2012 21:31

don't be daft, APY < your fiver is in the post > Grin

allchangeplease · 23/09/2012 22:25

thank you for your opinions, everyone!
Punkheart you're so funny! off the cuff spot-on poem Grin! I hope he's not THAT bad though!
Thanks hatesponge and Mango for good advice regarding the whole 'leagues' mentality, and thanks, Cogito for wise words.
AF funnily enough I don't agree with, I'm not usually treated badly by partners, it happened a couple of times within short flings, when I was younger and too impulsive, but generally I don't ket men control me. I had a BF a year ago who was successful but very controlling, if I was submissive I'd live in the lap of luxury now and ge was VERY attractive/sexy, but no thanks, finished after three months. This guy seems kind and someone who could fancy me, going by what he said he liked in a woman, that's why I wanted him to meet me in person. Of course I don't KNOW him but I wanted to find out by meeting.
Some posters misread my OP: I have not written to him three times and he did not say he wasn't interested. I've writte ntwice and second time he sent the message that he will write when he subscribes again, maybe a fob-off but what for - there is a choice of one liners there including 'sorry we are not compatible' and 'sorry but i said i wanted to meet only local people'.
To clarify , there aer non negotiables on that site and also 'important'/'preferred' for all of the boxes, so location and English origin were in the latter, not non-negotiable. I'm not at all thinking of writing the third time, but I was asking if it's worth meeting up if he does reply properly, or not seeing as he is not in a ruch to sunscribe for my sake!
I have not monitored the number of women he net - he mentioned he's met a lot but not the right woman.
He does have a proper job, he's not just a poet, but thanks for all hte funny poet comments Madame and others!
The point is he seems SO different from everyone on sites, he's not dull but seems to be kind too, maybe it's unfair to others as he might just write extremely well and talk even better, but this is what does attract people. It does bother me that he has never married and he does look a little eccentric but I sort of like that. My history is that in my LTRs (all English guys btw) I seemed to pick partners who were seriously attarcted but who I lacked respect for. I thought to myself , why don't I ever go for someone I really admire/like? the answer is I probably didn't feel confident enough. Now I feel more confident as I'm older and indded as one wise poster said, should see my own qualities as different but no less valuable. FWIW he responded to the second message, if I didn't feel brave I just wouldn't have sent it. But am I setting myself up fpr long and tedious 'prove yourself' course with such guys (not just him)? I really want to kjnow the truth about men with high social status (but not seriously rich), they do attract a lot of foreign ladies but what are they really like in r-ships, worth the effort? sorry if generalisation, but I wonder if anyone has experience with this. Again, this is not just about this one guy.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/09/2012 22:33

can I just tell you something ?

there are only 1) twats and 2) the non-british who set much store by "high social status"

scottishmummy · 23/09/2012 22:35

I've never considered any man out my league.I'm subordinate to no man
doesn't read as if he's that into you
either there's Chemistry or not.you'll know if there is chemistry

allchangeplease · 23/09/2012 22:38

by high status I don't mean 'high profile' or very rich, as I'm not cut out for this kind of demanding lifestyle, but the well-educated ones who have strong social networks and feel very secure, most of them have had help with their jobs through networks, but having said that some are really sweet sensitive guys by the look of it and I do like social confidence/charm. I know I don't get on with men who achived it all themselves but are very controlling by nature as a result. I like other types too of course, but I wonder whether these really are a no-go not worth the effort - or conversely, they are well worth the effort? After all I want someone decent and who wouldn't let me down as a partner. I find that men with low confidence aer often not reliable, and hard to respect.

OP posts:
Offred · 23/09/2012 22:39

"what AF said!" Grin

OP - you are SO attached to this dating profile you have never even met. Good lord it is verging on insanity to be so attached and thinking about/reading into and obsessing over something so imaginary and superficial. I can't understand why you are so intense about it?!

Offred · 23/09/2012 22:39

And scottishmummy - me either.

allchangeplease · 23/09/2012 22:42

scottish, but can there be chemistry on internet without meeting? I'd justrather he decided after meeting me not before, but ball is now in his court.

AFnot sure what you meant, who are these non-british - the women? This guy is very English but he implies that he'd prefer a GF who is English and has a good 'network' (even though doesn't say the latter directly). I'm British by passport but that's not the point.

OP posts: