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does it ever work with a man who's 'Out Of Your League' in many aspects? (sorry, long)

283 replies

allchangeplease · 23/09/2012 18:35

I'm wondering how much does confidence matter in these situoations? If you had success with a man you (secretly) looked up to, was down to sheer confidence, or was it flattery admiration that worked?
A bit of a backstory. I've contacted this man on a dating site, I REALLY like everything he said, the photos (no Greek God but really appeals to me), he also (!) included a photo which was published in eligible bachelor section of a glossy albeit years ago Shock, though he doesn't look as good now - he made a funny comment about that, and if you are wondering, it wasn't that that made me interested, I noticed the fact later in his long intro. He is obviously talented, he is a publushed poet, he states that he is comfortable financially and I just love his sense of humour AND his voice recording. He sounds kind and not dull like so many online guys. He also does sound very confident behind the humour. I was like that Shock as normally I find very very few men online interesting and worth contacting and none so far compared for me. I know, I know, he may be an arsehole with issues in RL, as he never got married and he is approaching 50. But I want to meet him at least.
He hasn't replied to me first time round, so I wrote to him again Blush after listening to his voice once more, thinking that it was unusual for him not even to ask questions, even though I haven't ticked some of his 'potential partner' boxes, but normally men like my photos (nothing revealing or overtly sexy) and at least attempt some dialogue. I felt I wanted him even more as he is a challenge. He said he'd prefer a woman with English as home language while I'm foreign but spent all my grown up life here, he also said she needs to be in or near London when I'm not, though I do visit quite often. He also wants someone with a good stable social circle which really I don't have as i didn't study here and just have a few friends, not a 'network'. When i wrote to him i explained that I know I'm not 'perfect' and then asked him, the second time, whether he is sure he doesn't want to meet. He now replied with an auto reply that he will write to me when he subscribes. It's very easy to sunscribe so you can send mesages, if anything you can do so for a week for under 10 pounds, it's been two weeks since mu last message and a day or so since his reply. Obviously he is not that keen.
Do you think it's worth pursuaing or eve nmeeting if he does reply? He is a bit on a posh side with his speech and looks, I just worry that English guys like this are really snobsat heart and even if attracted to a woman, just wouldn't see her seriously as LTR partner material? He is not the only example of a man I'm attarcted to but don't 'push it' out of this lack of confidence/cynicism. I always hide the lack of confidence by playing cool if met with lujkewarm response, or with just physical interest, but deep down I want to be braver and try a pushy approach. Did this ever work for you, when yo knew that socially and possibly financially he is of higher status?
Is it worth it or not, as even if you gain his interest you may have to prove yourself for a long time to him and his friends etc.? I do admire Kate for being so thick skinned what with the sniggering from William's friends, before he proposed. Yes, it's nothing like as this 'high up' in my case but on a smaller scale still applies.
If it did work for you, do you think it's because he just liked you and you didn't actually put any effort i.e. luck of the draw, or did the efforts you made paid off, and any advice in this case? Is it justa case of being brazen and forgetting about all the issues?

OP posts:
LizLemon007 · 23/09/2012 23:11

He does sound an absolute tosser! why would you want this guy??

But.... I think you are right about leagues. We're not supposed to acknowledge that they exist. But tbh, I think that's where I messed up in my 20s, I always aimed too high. The men I was interested in were always too goodlooking, or too popular, or too funny. They were attractive to too many other people and that's why they weren't going to value me as much.

It's sad but it's true and anybody who doesn't get this is either beautiful, or at the top of the league for some other reason.

SAYING that... chemistry is not a science! and so I think there can be a kind of two point leeway in SOME circumstances.

People say to you to go and meet somebody in real life, but that is really hard.

Offred · 23/09/2012 23:12

Or more likely Liz you dated men who simply thought they were better than you.

allchangeplease · 23/09/2012 23:14

I do give people a chance Offred, I met a couple of guys, got on with one enough to be friends but didn't fancy him, not much can be done about that (I was hopeful).
I don't think that deep understanding is not possible if people aer borm in different countries, it's very personal and also depends on a non-UK person, whether they make a serious effort or a flair for the language. I obviously found his profile funny and charming. The fact remains that he hasn't found anyone English and suitable yet, being in his late 40s, so why not cast a wider net, of course the intelligence and values have to be roughly on a level.

OP posts:
Offred · 23/09/2012 23:16

But why op are you so intense about something so superficial?! I imagine it is really off putting for him? Also why exclude meeting people you may be compatible with based on them having boring profiles and why go after arrogant tossers who consider themselves better than you and/or are racist?!

allchangeplease · 23/09/2012 23:17

LizLemon - thank you , you do understand! I liked your comment about leeway too. Why do you say he is a tosser (just for the English-born request?) Or do you see something else?

OP posts:
LizLemon007 · 23/09/2012 23:18

Well, more physically attractive to more people. I've always had a few men find me attractive. But I was going for men who were attractive to so many other women. I was making life hard for myself I guess.

allchangeplease · 23/09/2012 23:18

'or have a flair', I meant.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/09/2012 23:20

well, yes, this "social hierarchy" does exist, in some people's heads

and that is why you have been told, OP, this man is a tosser

are you listening at all ?

you keep re-stating your case, with no regard for what has been said before

Offred · 23/09/2012 23:21

God what a nasty thing to say though that being very attractive/popular/funny means you don't value people who aren't exactly like you! Confused your own qualities shouldn't affect the value you place on others, if they do you are a twunt.

Leverette · 23/09/2012 23:21

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LemonDrizzled · 23/09/2012 23:22

There is a particular type of person who is wealthy and educated and expects their partner to reflect well on them. If you wish to socialise with someone who sets store by appearances then you will have to conform to that stereotype. Is it really worth it? Wouldn't you rather be with someone less self important who wants to be with you for yourself?

Offred · 23/09/2012 23:22

LeveretteGrin

Aspiemum2 · 23/09/2012 23:24

Wtf?! I really don't get this thread at all. Not once have I met a guy and thought "now is he in my league?" Or "do we have a similar social standing"
Perhaps I'm missing something as Internet dating would be different I guess to meeting through friends etc but still...
You seem more obsessed with his social standing then anything else, what a very weak basis for a relationship albeit a one sided fictional one

allchangeplease · 23/09/2012 23:24

well, Offred I can meet everyone, I usually meet if the profile appeals and the photo isn't offputting, but I have age limits, location, whether they want many children, etc like most people, so this narrows the group. Internet is really not full of choices. If a profile is very boring why would I meet them? The guy I met recently was nice on the phone and interesting in messaging, so I did meet but he is older and somewhat different from the photos, and I didn't fancy him.

OP posts:
MummysHappyPills · 23/09/2012 23:24

Can you link to his profile? Go on, you know you want to! Once we have pulled him apart you'll go right off him I promise! Grin

AnyFucker · 23/09/2012 23:25

them poor bunny-wunnies Sad

Offred · 23/09/2012 23:26

Thoroughly agree with leverette you are crazy to be trying to tell him what he wants and especially when you have no idea who he is. The person who created the profile might be completely different to the image you have created in your mind.

LizLemon007 · 23/09/2012 23:27

allchangeplease, I'm not British either, but I've tried internet dating.

I think his profile makes him seem like being a poet is all their is to him. He is trading on what he hopes comes accross as class. So that's what he values about himself!? and he wants other people to value it too.

I think it's his prerogative not to meet up with you if you're not from London or because of some other detail that doesn't tick his box. I just don't personally like the sound of him. I think he sounds several metres up his own derriere, and rather comfortable there too!

I did a personality test on line once (parship) and got an 93% compatability score with some guy. We were exchanging emails all teh time. His sense of humour was the same as mine. I forgave him for spelling rapport like this 'we have such a rappore'. ha ha. His values were similar to mine though. He had a messy divorce behind him but wanted to move on, be a good dad, not be bitter, meet somebody else. He was a good person. i met him with such high hopes and ............. nope. It was not to be. NO chemistry at all. But such a nice guy.

Offred · 23/09/2012 23:28

Ok, ok, you are very choosy which is fine but he must cast his net wider and it irks you he hasn't subscribed and messaged you after 1 day... I get it... Hmm

FFS. I wish him luck, he will need it...

AnyFucker · 23/09/2012 23:28

OP, you have experienced the fact that men (and women) lie in their internet dating profiles, yes ?

what makes you think this tosser hasn't lied his arse off ?

poet, upper class, well educated, single

look, let's face it

he's married, works in a dry cleaners, lives in Wandsworth in a skip and picks his nose and eats it

(no offence to anyone who realy is/does those things)

geddoverit

allchangeplease · 23/09/2012 23:29

Leverette, I'm not forcing anyone, this was a question 'why wouldn't he..?' as I'm trying to understand. The fact remains, he is single at his age and searching quite hard by the sound of how many women he's met.

OP posts:
Offred · 23/09/2012 23:30

And all those people you exclude based on your arbitrary desires and judgements of their crappy pics... Well the ones you do meet they aren't the same as their pictures... Hmm

Offred · 23/09/2012 23:31

It doesn't matter why he wouldn't, he is a stranger to you, it isn't any of your business, move on to someone who wants to meet you.

geegee888 · 23/09/2012 23:31

I've read your many, very detailed posts OP. And I can only come to the conclusion that you're after money. Or class. Or both. Rather than a man for his personality/character.

You mention your previous relationships (all with Englishmen!) and its as if you somehow want to trade up, because you "didn't respect" them enough.

This is horrible: "I really want to kjnow the truth about men with high social status (but not seriously rich), they do attract a lot of foreign ladies but what are they really like in r-ships, worth the effort?"

You seem to see people as "types" rather than individuals, and seem irked that this man is disinterested in you, as if he is under some duty to give you a chance. I suspect that if you contacted him in the very chatty, overly detailed, obsessive style that you use on here, that is what put him off you, more than any of the finer details.

Maybe you might want to develop some hobbies or participate in some sports or something, so that you have something to talk about to prospective dates other than your nationality and desire to date someone "posh".

Leverette · 23/09/2012 23:31

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