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does it ever work with a man who's 'Out Of Your League' in many aspects? (sorry, long)

283 replies

allchangeplease · 23/09/2012 18:35

I'm wondering how much does confidence matter in these situoations? If you had success with a man you (secretly) looked up to, was down to sheer confidence, or was it flattery admiration that worked?
A bit of a backstory. I've contacted this man on a dating site, I REALLY like everything he said, the photos (no Greek God but really appeals to me), he also (!) included a photo which was published in eligible bachelor section of a glossy albeit years ago Shock, though he doesn't look as good now - he made a funny comment about that, and if you are wondering, it wasn't that that made me interested, I noticed the fact later in his long intro. He is obviously talented, he is a publushed poet, he states that he is comfortable financially and I just love his sense of humour AND his voice recording. He sounds kind and not dull like so many online guys. He also does sound very confident behind the humour. I was like that Shock as normally I find very very few men online interesting and worth contacting and none so far compared for me. I know, I know, he may be an arsehole with issues in RL, as he never got married and he is approaching 50. But I want to meet him at least.
He hasn't replied to me first time round, so I wrote to him again Blush after listening to his voice once more, thinking that it was unusual for him not even to ask questions, even though I haven't ticked some of his 'potential partner' boxes, but normally men like my photos (nothing revealing or overtly sexy) and at least attempt some dialogue. I felt I wanted him even more as he is a challenge. He said he'd prefer a woman with English as home language while I'm foreign but spent all my grown up life here, he also said she needs to be in or near London when I'm not, though I do visit quite often. He also wants someone with a good stable social circle which really I don't have as i didn't study here and just have a few friends, not a 'network'. When i wrote to him i explained that I know I'm not 'perfect' and then asked him, the second time, whether he is sure he doesn't want to meet. He now replied with an auto reply that he will write to me when he subscribes. It's very easy to sunscribe so you can send mesages, if anything you can do so for a week for under 10 pounds, it's been two weeks since mu last message and a day or so since his reply. Obviously he is not that keen.
Do you think it's worth pursuaing or eve nmeeting if he does reply? He is a bit on a posh side with his speech and looks, I just worry that English guys like this are really snobsat heart and even if attracted to a woman, just wouldn't see her seriously as LTR partner material? He is not the only example of a man I'm attarcted to but don't 'push it' out of this lack of confidence/cynicism. I always hide the lack of confidence by playing cool if met with lujkewarm response, or with just physical interest, but deep down I want to be braver and try a pushy approach. Did this ever work for you, when yo knew that socially and possibly financially he is of higher status?
Is it worth it or not, as even if you gain his interest you may have to prove yourself for a long time to him and his friends etc.? I do admire Kate for being so thick skinned what with the sniggering from William's friends, before he proposed. Yes, it's nothing like as this 'high up' in my case but on a smaller scale still applies.
If it did work for you, do you think it's because he just liked you and you didn't actually put any effort i.e. luck of the draw, or did the efforts you made paid off, and any advice in this case? Is it justa case of being brazen and forgetting about all the issues?

OP posts:
allchangeplease · 25/09/2012 17:59

it's fine Offred, you don't have to try, but thanks, the thread has already been long enough and I'm processing all the interesting opinions even if I don't instantly react to them. I clarified a few things to myself so that's good.
I think I very much do look at individuals now, unlike in the past, if I didn't i would have dismissed the whole posh group as there are many entitled personalities there, but I can see very clearly there is a world of difference within the people and I'm hoping to meet one of the individual ones. Unfortunately the majority justs sounds and behaves exactly the same and tbh they are not an intelligent bunch. But it's their business.

OP posts:
allchangeplease · 25/09/2012 18:02

expat - dinner? Grin
I'm going to a class, but thanks. As I say no one is obliged to stay if the thread is too much (fully appreciate that it can be) and no need to explain why you don't want to stay on threadGrin. It was already useful to me and can now wind down.

OP posts:
Punkatheart · 25/09/2012 18:49

Well I am fixated too - on Cumberpatch. Listen to those tones, that knicker-slipping seductive vowels...he can have me over a barrel, anytime:

www.radiotimes.com/news/2012-09-25/exclusive-hear-benedict-cumberbatch-read-aloud-from-moby-dick

As you were.

Good luck when you go out to dinner, OP. Here's hoping for a spark and all that jazz.

Laquitar · 25/09/2012 19:31

but surely the individual merit counts.
Yes, both ways!

What if lets say i.e. you are French and you are a teacher. And they dont like your type, because 'this type' is very petite, its the type that swears, this type smokes alot, its the type who likes authority, their women is like this and their men are like that....etc etc. How does this sound? Thats how you talk about them.

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 25/09/2012 20:26

Allchange, this thread is long and I can't offer much, but I would like to know, do you not try to find out whether a man is married/attached or not before you ask them out? Are you maybe in love with the idea of being in love, so that you don't necessarily seek a connection on a basic level, but go straight for the romance/relationship level?
The wives of these married men probably wouldn't be too impressed.

LizLemon007 · 25/09/2012 20:49

I think the thread has been very interesting, and the next time a profile catches your eye, tell us about him! sure ninety nine percent of what we all talk abou there is unnecessary blather anyway, so I don't see the harm in a bit of analysis. I like to bounce opinions and other people's perceptions around. Doesn't mean I'm going to totally change my own views but it helps me 'scaffold' them on the map if that makes sense.

LizLemon007 · 25/09/2012 20:51

oh you're out to dinner now?! I look forward to update.

allchangeplease · 25/09/2012 21:25

no, dinner isn't tonight, later in the week if I say 'yes' (I said to him that only if we treated it as a non-date, since we only met once for a coffee. He's happy with that, and atm I do want him as a friend - but not more).
paranoid the two men I asked out I met briefly through work, so I had no idea whether they wre narried, they were both quite young. I only asked if they'd like to have a coffee out sometime, so no heavy rlationship proposals! As I said, one guy didn;t tell me he was married and agreed but did confess last minute before the date so of course it never happened.
Thank again Liz, a chat is a chat, we all need to air things sometimes and it helps to shift perspective sometimes, or makes you more convinced in your views, whichever. This subjext doesn't get airing much so I'm not surprised at some reactions, also some people don't have any feelings on hte subject and don't understand those who do which is fair enough.
I really asked in the title of the thread whether it could work wanting some examples from women for whom it worked, or those who tried but got disappointed. No one did come with examples, but the discussion gone a bit too deep instead.
Laguitar, sorry for overusing the word, I just put it for simplicity sake to distinguish between arty and other posh men, or between social groups. I didn't want to use 'men' all the time as I meant women too in many cases. But it's common to say 'he's my type' in English regarding looks, and socially.

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