Upset :(

[thekidsmum218]

Hi all.
I'm new to mumsnet so i hope i'm posting in the right place. Here goes..
In August i was 30, normally i dread birthdays but i was really excited about this one. I had been going on about it to my OH all year lol.
He had promised to take me away for the weekend and he said he was going to spoil me. Instead he went on his mates stag weekend a few days before and then on my birthday he seen me for maybe 5 minutes, in his car!
He got me nothing, just a card because he said he had no money. Even though he could afford to go abroad with his mates and he's at the pub every weekend.

He said he was going to make it up to me and he was going to take me out last week, instead he went white water rafting with his mates. He thinks i'm making a big deal out of it but he has really hurt me. His mums birthday is a week after mine and he managed to get her a gift. Am i being daft?

I also think i might be pregnant. I hope to god i'm not, i couldn't bring another pour child into this family. I've been meaning to buy a test but i get myself into a panic when i think about it x

OP, you have to take back your life.

Of COURSE this bloke was wonderful, he's trying to (a) suck you right back in, and (b) PRETEND to be normal.

You have to find out about if you're PG, and you know that you have to deal with that situation appropriately. You can't place yourself in a more vulnerable position than you are now, you have to get this guy out of your lives forever.

If the house is yours, you CAN change the locks, your only obligation is to the HA, not your EX.

Please don't fall for his smoke and mirrors, please be ice cool and see what needs to be done. We can hold your handf throughout, we can help you access support, but we can't pull you to safety and away from this abuser. You HAVE to do this yourself.

We'll be here, whatever you need.

I'm not expert op and never rang women's aid either but just ring them even though you don't know what to say. Tell them that some friends recommended you to call. Answer their questions don the afraid to say the truth. Don't let the nice day you had yesterday blur your reality. Don't worry about pregnancy just yet. If you are, this new baby won't be living in 'this' family, he will be living in a lovely brand new family just YOU and YOUR kids. You don't need t see or speak to this animal anymore and you don't need to sleep with him ever again. Call now. Do it.

The law and the police ans SS are clued up and will help you.

You are an abused woman, your family is at risk, these are hot topics now, you will be believed and you will get help.

Call WA again, and again until you can speak. They are going to be the primary source of support and real practical help. They are marvellous. They KNOW what you are enduring, they will do everything they can to help.

Please do this? For you? For your family?

Ring womens aid and just say that you would like a chat.
Im pretty sure they will know what to say and do.
If they dont,you can always put the phone down again.

Please just take that step and ring WA.

I don't want you to be still in the same situation a year from now.

He was nice at the wedding because possibly he sensed there had been a slight shift in your attitude, or you looked at him with a bit more "knowledge" in your eyes. He will clock round to the "nice" part of the abuse cycle. For now, at least until he gets you back to thinking things could be ok.

we all know they won't. And so do you.

if you are not pg, fgs get your contraception sorted out

I personally have no knowledge of womens aid whatsoever.
I am trying to look at this from the ops point of view.
She says she doesnt know what to say to them.
I looked up the womens aid website,and I am not sure what she personally is going to want from them or get from them.
She has her own home,and dp is only a visitor.
Do they provide a safe haven so that she has time to think and process things?

Perhaps someone can elaborate please.

WA are not just about helping women to escape to Refuges.

Personally, I think OP needs somebody objective to talk to. She needs to be pointed in the direction of learning about abusers, and why she finds herself stuck in a relationship with one.

WA could recommend a local course such as the Freedom Programme which is recommended for such a situation. OP needs to know that there is a way she can escape, because at the moment she can't see it. And unfortunately no matter how many times we tell her she can, she is going to get no further without professional support.

Oh pet it makes me so sad to read you calling him your OH - your a person in your own right and hes a useless fucking appendage.

I bet his definition of "dating" includes fucking other people - I would get an STI test as well. Sorry to be blunt but even more important if you may be pg.

Please dont let one nice day of behaviour make up for 15 years of him being a nasty evil cunt.

WA can tell you what rights you have and what your obligations are. Most importantly though, they will listen to you, provide support when you need it. Don't worry about what to say or anything, they will ask you questions to help start you off. They are very experienced. When your oh hits you again, they will be on the end of a phone line to help you; if you want a solicitor they will be able to recommend one.

Give them a try. If it isn't what you want, then, OK, we'll see if we can come up with something else (I'm sure we can!).

Glad you enjoyed the day. Remember who he really is though.

Well done for coming back OP and for calling WA. OK, so you put the phone down this time, but you took a small step.

Please trust the women who tell you that you don't need to have a clue what to say. Even a hello and silence will be enough to prompt them into asking you questions.

Call again

And yes, the nice behaviour yesterday is to be expected. I think deep down you know and recognise the pattern of behaviour now. It is designed to confuse, blindside and weaken you. Nothing more. Do not be
fooled into thinking the 'nice' behaviour has anything to do with love, remorse, shame, change or apology. I know it's brutal because you so hope and want it to be about those things but it isn't. It's cruel, manipulative and calculated

You are going to have to dig deep and be strong but we are all here for you OP.

I have found this thread which may be useful to you.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1555838-Freedom-Programme-Womens-Aid

Sending you strength OP. Think of your DC and what they are learning about life from watching how Dad treats Mum.

You can change your life! Imagine all the army of MN standing behind you

Hi all.
I've been in work today but my head has been in the clouds. I have so much on my mind.
I have been thinking about the women in my family.
My nan was badly beaten throughout her long marriage, as was my auntie and my sister. I don't want to end up bitter like them. Although they have all been through so much, they are really strong women. Where's i'm timid towards my OH and let him walk all over me. Don't get me wrong i can be a loud mouth sometimes towards other people but it's all a front because i'm crumbling inside.
I have been going over my old diary from my early twenties. I just can't stop crying when i remember the things he did to me.
When i was pregnant with my second child ( she's now 10) he beat me that bad that i ended up with a blood clot on my placenta. I nearly lost her and i nearly died. I was in intensive care for over a week and i had a massive bloody transfusion. But i forgave him!!! I just feel so angry with myself at the moment. I'm angry with my mother inlaw to, because she used to tell me to cover up my bruises with makeup. I feel like i'm either going to sob my heart out or just explode with anger. I've never felt like this before x

Dear OP, I'm horrified that you see this as normal behaviour. This is a terrifyingly long way from normal. Real men do not behave like this. Call WA and tell them what you've written above. They can give you the help you need.

TKM that makes for desperately sad and very shocking reading. But, I sense that for the first time, you might be starting to see that too??

It's good that you are reflecting on the other females in your life and that you can see how it destroys people. Ask yourself this: has "living with it" or "hiding the truth" benefited one single person that you know? No. Of course it hasn't. It wears you down until you are just existing.

Your MIL is probably a victim herself but her advise and lack of support are still unforgivable.

Please call WA and keep posting here. We are all listening.

and bloody for you, TKM. You need rl support, as we can help you only so far.

I am hoping that this is the beginning of a journey to freedom for you. You'd be amazed how strong you actually are, once this bastard is right out of your life. At the moment you have to do what you do to protect yourself and your children, to appease and placate him, so he doesn't hurt you. Don't be ashamed, don't think you're not strong. You are surviving. One day, you will live!

OP you realize now how women in your family and yourself have been suffering, do you want your daughters suffering like this too? Because I'm sorry to say but this is what you are teaching your daughters. To accept and forgive men like THIS ANIMAL you call OH. Actually calling him an ANIMAL is a massive privilege for him, he is nothing more than a DISGUSTING REPULSIVE MONSTER. You and your children deserve so much better. Please all the women in this thread are begging you, just call WA and end this nightmare. You can do it and we guarantee, even though it might seems such a difficult step, once you do it, you will never look back and you will feel finally happy in the true meaning of the word.

I am so sorry. Please seek RL help. This legacy that is afflicting the women in your family ? It is going to pass to the next generation if you don't stop it.

Your daughters are likely to choose abusive partners. Your sons are likely to become abusers of women themselves.

If you don't think your own furure is worth saving, what about theirs ?

Oh TKM you don't have to be bitter in the end but it is ok to feel angry and upset. These feelings have been locked inside you for so long, letting them out will help you move on and eventually to heal. X

Don't appease and placate him, just call 999 from the slightest sign of abuse towards you next time you unfortunately see him IF YOU DO. I really hope you don't. Because the police might take a good few minutes to reach you and this could be enough for him to cause a terrible damage.

Hay chin up I think you do know what to do. First you have got to start to love and respect yourself, only then will you have the strength to say, you know what I'm worth more then that and you are you really really are he doesn't deserve you, you don't need him, you are bringing up your children even though your struggling your doing it you haven't run away you are stronger then you think move on find your self then if you want to find someone else someone who will love respect and adore you and never look back

May I ask how come SS didn't get involved when OP spent time in hospital since she was pregnant with her second child and was clearly beaten? If the victim refuses to talk can't they do anything?

It's good that you are waking up to the hell that has been your life, but it must be very painful to be grappling with such strong emotions all the while trying to work and look after your children.

It really is time to get proper help. You have already picked up the phone to WA, you can do this. Do try again. You are worth it. You only get one life and you are still young, you have time and there is help to turn all this around.

thekidsmum218 -I really think you're making progress, having these realisations and feelings.

Please don't cling on to the few moments when he is 'nice'. As others have said, it is all part of the abuse cycle anyway.

Think about this. Even if I think about the angriest I've ever been, and thought about the person I've disliked the most in my life, I could never, ever imagine hurting them to the point of hospitalising them. And I could never, ever imagine playing such a sick 'joke' as pretending to propose.

Could you?

For most of us, that is just not normal or acceptable.

And that behaviour was towards his partner (you), someone he is supposed to love and cherish. Towards someone who was carrying his child - so in effect, putting his own's childs health in danger.

I don't care how sorry he was afterwards. Anyone capeable of that kind of behaviour, is not acting like a normal human being, you won't ever get treated decently by this person. He is living in his own twisted warped world where this might be ok, but you don't have to live in his world.