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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Upset :(

274 replies

thekidsmum218 · 21/09/2012 16:48

Hi all.
I'm new to mumsnet so i hope i'm posting in the right place. Here goes..
In August i was 30, normally i dread birthdays but i was really excited about this one. I had been going on about it to my OH all year lol.
He had promised to take me away for the weekend and he said he was going to spoil me. Instead he went on his mates stag weekend a few days before and then on my birthday he seen me for maybe 5 minutes, in his car!
He got me nothing, just a card because he said he had no money. Even though he could afford to go abroad with his mates and he's at the pub every weekend.

He said he was going to make it up to me and he was going to take me out last week, instead he went white water rafting with his mates. He thinks i'm making a big deal out of it but he has really hurt me. His mums birthday is a week after mine and he managed to get her a gift. Am i being daft?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/09/2012 10:19

*use

TheCalmingManatee · 22/09/2012 10:19

Sweetheart, it is NOT the norm, it is not not not! It is your skewed perception because of what this man has done to you. Domestic violence happens in all walks of society, but thankfully, it is a million miles from normal. There are good, decent men out there. Men who live for their families, who love their partners and work hard for their familes, providing a stable and loving environment for their children. THAT is the norm, it really is.

This is good - this means that once you are rid of this peice of shit that is blighting your life you can move on, with your children and find happiness. Maybe you will find that happiness on your own, happy in your own home where you will feel SAFE and in control. Happy with day to day life, taking pleasure from simple things. Then maybe, in time (you need time to heal) you will meet someone who will be normal - he wont be perfect, because nobody is, but he will love and respect you, he will never say things to hurt you and he will never EVER raise a hand to you. THAT is normal, and you deserve that.

dysfunctionalme · 22/09/2012 10:20

Oh my goodness, you are so damaged. I wish I could come to get you and your lovely children, and take you somewhere safe where you could start to be yourself again.

The advice you have received in here about leaving your OH must feel like pie in the sky stuff to you. But you need to know that what you are tolerating is very, very bad. That you are being very badly abused. The physical beatings, the emotional and mental cruelty, the financial cruelty - that is very serious.

The good news is that is a lot of sensible and kind help available to you; I really hope you can reach for it. If you are able to trust women's aid agencies and gradually gain confidence, there will come a day when you will look back on this time and find it hard to believe you were ever so low.

Feeling calm, confident and hopeful, and finding joy in everyday situations is how life should be. And can be for you, absolutely.

I know you say you love your OH and want him to love you, but I imagine that you are confusing love for familiarity; that sadly you are used to being treated badly and are therefore more comfortable with abuse than love.

It is so good that you are here and asking for help. I wish you every strength in finding your way through this terrible time. xx

Original poster
thekidsmum218 · 22/09/2012 10:20

The thing is thought is that the things i have written on here aren't even the worst things he has done to me.

OP posts:
TheCalmingManatee · 22/09/2012 10:22

Phone women's aid - who has the number? phone them NOW!

You do know that you can get a court injunction to stop this man ever coming near you again? Imagine, never having to be scared again?

It sounds like you have a supporting family and tbh it does sound like they are frustrated with you keeping this man in your life. Once you make the stand i think you will find that they will (please God) rally behind you and help you through this. And if not, you have us!

TheCalmingManatee · 22/09/2012 10:25

Womens Aid Please look at this site, phone them 0808 2000247

Offred · 22/09/2012 10:26

Yes, I think you are brave and strong and I think writing the things here will help you see how wrong they really are. It is very hard when you are having to fight against yourself too. I hope women's aid help, you might have to give them a couple of tries because of cuts to funding but explore their website too and keep talking here. It isn't embarrassing, it happens to all kinds of people from all walks of life and you have shown real strength of mind to stand up to him how you have so far, the next stage now is ejecting his influence from your mind and relearning the rules and boundaries of relationships.

Original poster
thekidsmum218 · 22/09/2012 10:26

My children are whats keeping me going. I don't know what i would do without them x

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/09/2012 10:27

"God i hope non of the mums from my village see this."

I actually hope they do. If domestic abuse is so prevalent and treated so casually, then all the mums in your village need to compare notes, get onto Womens Aid and make a collective stand that enough is enough. There's no shame in being the victim of a criminal. You sound like you've got RL support from friends and your sister at least.... they're just waiting for you to say 'I'm out' before they can help. Glad you're getting angry. Pick up the phone before that feeling wears off.

TheCalmingManatee · 22/09/2012 10:28

And they would be lost without you! Don't let him destroy you. It stops now - yes???

Offred · 22/09/2012 10:28

I'm sure they aren't the worst things and I'm sure it will gradually come out until you get to the worst things but what you have written is bad enough anyway lovely. You have coped for such a long time and with so much so well and I'm sure your future can be so happy if you just get through this process of getting away from him.

AnyFucker · 22/09/2012 10:31

OP, we know that there is more you haven't told us

we know, it's ok x

dysfunctionalme · 22/09/2012 10:37

Your kids have a lovely mum and you can all have a better life.

I know you say you feel exhausted because all you do is work and clean and look after the kids, but trust me that even this simple, frugal and unglamorous life can be very joyful when you are rid of abuse and open to kindness.

Please post anything you want to, we want to listen to anything you want to say x

OhDearNigel · 22/09/2012 10:40

No we're not married, he said he'll only ever marry once and not to me.
Once he did come home with a ring box, got down on one knee and proposed. When i opened the box it was empty. He was just joking and laughed at me

Sorry OP but you are a complete mug and are allowing yourself to be treated like dirt. You can manage without him - you already are. I guarantee your life will be 10 times better without the wanker in it

OhDearNigel · 22/09/2012 10:45

omg OP, just been reading your letter.

please, please, please do not let this man back in your house, back in your affections or back into your children's lives. He sounds beyond awful.

You deserve happiness and so much more than what you are getting from him

TheCalmingManatee · 22/09/2012 10:47

oh nigel, i like your style Hmm

OhDearNigel · 22/09/2012 10:52

I wrote that post before I had read the rest of the thread but too late to take it back now.

Sorry OP, I was a bit harsh there but didn't realise quite how bad things had been. Please ignore that sentence, it was unkind

AnyFucker · 22/09/2012 10:56

I thought you would be back to apologise, ODN. I did the same thing near the beginning of the thread.

I think it's because it's so shocking that, in this day and age, a woman will accept this kind of treatment and still come back for more. But it happens, it happens all the time. OP needs to speak to professionals who are used to dealing with the ramifications of these extremely abusive scenarios.

imogengladhart · 22/09/2012 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ModernToss · 22/09/2012 11:11

He said he won't come home until i redecorate and carpet the house throughout.

This is actually very minor on his staggering scale of shitness, but really - who the fuck does he think he is? Shouldn't he be the one making the house nice for HIS family? Why is everything up to you?

It is minor, but it's still breathtaking.

I wish you courage. You need to get rid of this vicious leech.

Busybusybust · 22/09/2012 11:38

Kidsmum - this has made me cry too. You poor thing.

This in particular "He said ' i'm not laying a hand on you anymore, to do that i'd have to care and i don't give a shit about you anymore'. Who says things like that? I'm so confused". When he was hitting you, he knew exactly what he was doing - he was doing it for his own pleasure! You really, really deserve better than that.

You can get out of this situation - I will say what a lot of others have said - contact Womens Aid - they will give you the support to finish it with him once and for all.

He's not going to like it when he realises that his power over you is diminishing - and may up the violence, in which case you dial 999. He will soon realise that you mean business and that he will end up in custody if he does it.

I am completely willing you to ring Womens Aid and decide that enough is enough

Juneywoony · 22/09/2012 12:34

HI, Im a lurker and have only posted a couple of times but feel so compelled to reply to this thread, it has made me literally sob, you poor thing, dont want to repeat what so may have said but this so far from normal it is unreal!

How old are your children if you dont mind me asking? They have surely seen his behaviour and it will damage them, trust me i grew up with a physically and mentally abusive father. Im 35 now and still have allot of issues as a result of this.

Please get out of this now, it wont be easy but it will be so much better in the long run, you have so much of your life left to live please make it the happy and lovely one that you really do deserve and please believe that you really do. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for, working full time and bringing up three children aswell as having this absolute parasite in your life to deal with, most people would have cracked years before this!

KillerRack · 22/09/2012 12:46

Why have you stayed with him this long?

Just end it OP you will feel a huge lift, he doesn't do anything with his kids? they won't miss him then.

GeekLove · 22/09/2012 14:02

Carpeting the house and redecorating is the most sensible thing he has said. Make sure you use premium products and services providing he is paying. However, make sure he on no account ever comes back into your home or life. Also as you are not married what are the legal implications of changing the locks?

TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat · 22/09/2012 14:45

OP, reading this is so similar to someone I know. She is my Manager and I've known her for many years. If you hadn't said that you live where you do and that he moved out in April, I would have thought you were her.

For years she was coming into work with black eyes, marks all over her and she was so quiet. He used to beat her.

One time she snapped and kicked him out. He emotionally blackmailed her to take him back. Used the kids, he had nowhere to stay, she wouldn't cope without him etc. She took him back.

This has happened many times since. She says he doesn't hit her anymore. Who knows, maybe he doesn't, I haven't seen a bruise for quite sometime.

But the emotional bullying is still happening. Just the other day she mentioned something he said which left me Shock
She makes excuses for him, he tells her its her fault and the way she deals with things

She is a skilled Nurse in a senior position, she is lovely too but he tells her she's stupid. He has come out for our Xmas do's and has sat there belittling her infront of her employees.

He is a fucking twat!

Her 12yr old son has started hitting her too. He gave her a black eye once.

Like you, she has been with him since she was 15 and has 3 children.

She's 37 now and he still hasn't changed.

Neither will yours Sad