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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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DH found out I had an affair. Now our marriage is wrecked

222 replies

thisidid · 21/09/2012 14:19

I did something very stupid. It has been over for more than a year. Two days ago DH found out about it and he is devastated. Incandescent. I don't know if we will get past this. We have two beautiful DCs. The past two days have been appalling. The baby has picked up on the stress and has been inconsolable all day. I can't eat, my milk supply is dropping. DH wants a paternity test. We have had such a happy year together, culminating in the birth of DC2, and now everything is in ruins. Words cannot express how much I have hurt him and to witness that is the worst punishment. and to know it is worse for him.

We always had a good relationship, with lots of ups and downs like any couple, but we always used to be strong together. I did this through my own stupid vanity and selfishness. I took him for granted and went chasing ego gratification. I did this to the family I love so much. It turns out that the grass isn't greener, it is sordid and unfulfilling and I wish I had stopped it before things went as far as they did.

I thought that as time went on, my mistake would get lost in the past, but it didn't.

I don't know how to repair our marriage and protect our children, but I will do anything. But I think it my be too late.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 23/09/2012 10:29

The thread title is interesting. The OP appears to blame her dh:

DH found out I had an affair. Now our marriage is wrecked

It would have better to write I wrecked our marriage by having an affair. Now DH has found out

It's a subtle difference but does indicate how the OP is still thinking of herself and how this may affect her. This is what posters have been trying to point out. She will not be able to move forward successfully unless she can see what she is doing and understand how that will impact her dh and his decisions.

stuffitunderthebed · 23/09/2012 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LydiasMiletus · 23/09/2012 10:38

But the OP is wanting to know how to fix it. Wanting to stay with her dh. So bleating on about herself is selfish. Her is not all she has.
Bleating on about herself, still, after the hurt she has caused shows she has not changed her vain thinking. She need to wake up.

domesticgodless · 23/09/2012 10:40

walter I don't think I deserve that much pity tbh as I could have helped myself more and noticed I was going downhill and losing my reason. The slide downhill had been gradual, it started with despair and an obsession with suicide then switched over into mania and denial. However as my h said and I refused to believe for so long, in the end I had a choice and I made entirely the wrong choice. I chose to give up, lose it completely and behave like an entitled bully in between collapsing and asking people to finish me off. Pathetic. I should have left him before I decided to fuck around but I was too weak to do so.

I think punishment does come into it for a lot of people Lydias? Not for you maybe, but there is of course anger on this thread, understandable in particular from people who have suffered infidelity themselves. And people want justice, they want to see people who have behaved badly 'reap what they sow' rather than live in happiness again. I know my former MiL thinks I deserve all the pain life can throw at me for what I did to her son and grandsons, regardless of circumstances and that is understandable.

Tbh it is clear the OP and her H will not be happy again for a long long time whatever happens.

It isn't clear to me why OP did have the affair. Vanity etc seems too small a reason. I was vain in the past, but until I lost it, I was satisfied if people told me I was attractive. I didn't need to shag some awful bloke or 2 to prove.

domesticgodless · 23/09/2012 10:43

funny Lydias I don't quite read it like that...she isn't askign anyone to be sorry for her.... but agree it is not a good sign (for her, and of course the rest of her family) that she was 'happy' for a year after the event and went into total denial about it.

In the grand scheme if she can come to terms with the fact that there are no excuses for what she did she may be a stronger person. However that didn't happen to me and I also know of other people (including an uncle of mine) who basically lost their whole lives over infidelity, became recluses etc like me, probably because they couldn't forgive themselves.

waltermittymissus · 23/09/2012 10:49

Domestic, OP herself said that it was pure vanity though I'd agree that there must be SOMETHING else going on. I wouldn't presume to tell you how you did and didn't act when you were unwell but I do think your situations were different. My friend was bipolar and before his diagnosis it was sometimes very frightening but he was in no way the man I knew if that makes sense? So I wouldn't hold him responsible for his actions during those times.

Lying, I don't think people are having a go here for the sake of it! In fact people have been harsh because OP asked what she could do to start untangling this mess and she's been told: stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop being so self-involved and stop mourning the loss of your life when the loss is your fault. If she doesn't do those things how can she expect to build a decent trustful relationship again?

Both my FIL and MIL had affairs at different times. I blame him for his because, quite frankly, he's a bastard who did it because he wants to an could. I don't blame MIL because after years of physical, mental and I suspect sexual abuse, she fell for someone who she thought could save her.

So I'm not completely one-sided on the issue of infidelity. But in THIS case I think if the OP wants to save her marriage she has a lot of work to do on herself.

domesticgodless · 23/09/2012 10:51

indeed yes work on the self is essential once this kind of thing happens. Attaching any blame at all to the partner is entirely counterproductive. Although tbh I don't see the OP doing any of that.

domesticgodless · 23/09/2012 10:58

unfortunately 'stop feeling sorry for yourself' is counterproductive advice tho. Just cos the OP did all this to herself, doesn't mean it isn't devastating, and she is going to feel awful. Only a saint (which an unfaithful person clearly isn't) is going to be able to overcome the pain just like that and become perfect. But she does have to accept her partner's pain and anger. This also is very hard to do for anyone and unfaithful people are not strong people.

The Radiohead line about 'you do it to yourself and that's what really hurts' is just right here. In fact it may be even more painful because you have to accept as I did that you have been a shit person and indeed probably still are. I think this is why so many unfaithful people esp men (in my experience) turn on the spouse, say 'I only did it cos you weren't caring/sexy/giving enough' etc and never come to terms with what they did. Realising you're a piece of shit is bloody painful and can drive you mad.

domesticgodless · 23/09/2012 11:00

(Btw not meant to imply you're a 'piece of shit', as I said I am not in any place to judge you, but that's what I realised and felt about myself. Sorry, saying that not helpful).

waltermittymissus · 23/09/2012 11:03

Yes I can understand that domestic. Tbh I think this discussion for me has become more academic and less about the OP's particular circumstances which is unfair.

It's just when people start arguing the merits or lack thereof, of monogamy etc it can become a bit sidetracked! So OP I apologise if it seems I've been spewing hatred or whatever at you. I haven't actually been aiming posts at you. Rather I've been discussing things generally which is unhelpful!

LydiasMiletus · 23/09/2012 11:06

The OP id all about the OP and the effect on her. I know she must be going through a tough time. The difference being she had all the facts, she knew, it was her choice.

Abitwobblynow · 23/09/2012 12:11

Witch, I loved your reply:

People make mistakes - and yes, I would say it is a mistake - an error of judgement might be another term for it. There doesn't seem to be a proper term for the monumental consequences and pain of an affair. Those "100 steps" that precede stepping over a line are not clear cut, 99 of those steps may well be nothing more significant than innocent activities you could carry out with any friend/work colleague. It's the activity over the line that is the inappropriate one and all the ones after, by which time it is way too late. This is, I think, why some people say, "It just happened" or "I don't know what happened". Circumstances can change in a flash and it isn't about people 'giving themselves permission' (another misnomer), but not having regard for what is happening and making themselves take a step back and consciously thinking about the possible consequences and imagining the pain, in real terms, to their loved ones and those of their 'partner in crime'.

If you have never been in a position where the choices that you could make - or have made - have the potential to completely wreck your life - and you make them anyway, then really, you cannot have any empathy or real understanding of the situation here.

Those two things I would like to talk to you about. At what stage does a mistake, become a choice? After the second fuck? The second week? The second month?
And, when they could wreck your life, and you make them anyway? When does that stop being a mistake, and become a choice?

You see, I am still with my cheating H who has tidied everything up in his mind, that it was a mistake (2 year relationship affair that 'didn't mean anything' and he didn't think he would get caught, he just thought he would move on from it when it stopped giving him what he wanted).

He doesn't seem to see anything wrong with such cruelty emotional detachment. And this is the kicker: nothing has changed at all. I got emotionally killed, for nothing. He is as remote unilateral and selfish as he ever was, and he is clearly not going to change.

Which is so stupid, because very soon I am going to look at him and be done. The one good thing he does, which is provide, he has to do by law anyway. And he has SO much more to lose than I do.

The point I wanted to make, is perhaps you do have to look at stuff. And examine why it was so easy for you to make them, mistakes or choices. I understand that affairs are an addiction, but entering addiction is still a choice.

waltermittymissus · 23/09/2012 12:30

abitwobbly :(

Affairs aren't addictions. Addiction implies no control but a cheater controls her actions every step of the way (in cases such as this I mean. I already said unthread that I believe sometimes there are extenuating circumstances).

And what's happening in your marriage now is exatly what OP needs to be careful of, if she truly loves her dh. She wanted it all to be gone away. Now she wants it all 'fixed' and gone away again.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/09/2012 12:44

Abitwobbly... I can see why the term 'mistake' would grate, in the same way that people who start smoking would use it - as would women who pass off another man's child as their partner's - or those who hit their partner or child as a one-off. All of these things - and many more - are coined as 'mistakes'.

From your question, I would say that it's possible for a 'mistake' to happen in that an unexpected kiss can take you unawares. What your next move is from that is what dictates what happens next. A sensible and cognisant person would say something like, "Oh, that's not what I want to be doing, sorry" - and not allow themselves to be in that position again. I think if it has got beyond that stage, it's not really a 'mistake' in terms of not seeing the potential for harm. Make a choice to have sexual intimacy with somebody is a conscious thing and I don't really think that anybody gets that carried away with themselves as adults not to realise that.

The point I was making is that, unless you have been in this position yourself, you can't look inside another person's motivations and decisions for what they really are. I despair of the smuggery that I read throughout this board at the moment; denigrating, dismissive and just plain nasty in many cases, with a lot of over-loud 'advice' that makes no sense.

You talk of addiction; an affair is not an addiction - not the affair itself - but the affair partner certainly can be. I don't believe that the partner of the cheater could ever be held to account for the affair - that 'blame' lies solely with the partner who cheated - but I think there are often many quite obvious cries for help/complaints about the marriage/partnership, that go unheeded and perhaps the pair will never know whether the outcome would have been different had both been more attentive to their most special relationship.

Having been in the unenviable position myself - from both sides - I will say that from my own experience, an attention deficit - or perceived/real hurt - can make somebody vulnerable to an affair. I don't know how it 'happens' as such, but I do know that when the line was there, I didn't hesitate as I believed that I could 'compartmentalise' (as your husband did/does) and keep it from my partner. Some women are just as successful at this deceit as some men are. I would say that those people will not feel guilt unless the affair is discovered and the 'hurt' rains down on those they love. I wonder if your husband is remaining 'cold' as an antidote to this? He's hurt you badly and he knows that this particular bell cannot be unrung.

Please believe me when I tell you that I'm not an advocate of affairs and that I do not believe that your husband had any intention - or wish - to hurt you. However, his actions, formed with arrogance and feeling of invincibility, have done just that. He will be feeling pain of his own - as will the other woman. Nobody escapes, not ever, even if the affair is undiscovered and real lives are resumed. It would be a wonderful thing if, at the point of line-crossing, the orange Tango man or similar, would come at the potential affairees and shove a rubber glove in their faces to bring them up short... all they get is a heart-stopping moment of inevitability, which they succomb to or, if they are very lucky, a feeling of intense dread, which repells them from taking it any further.

I'm sorry for your pain, it rings out in your post very clearly and I hope that you are done with it very soon. This may not be a consolation to you but if you can think of yourself moved on in several years, with all of this put to bed and behind you, living authentically in your new life... whilst your husband has all of his grieving to go through. It sounds odd given that he doesn't seem to be 'suffering' now as you are, but that seems to me indicative of self-preservation. Like all arrogant people who believe they can 'have it all', realisation of their 'mistakes' hits them like a steam train so they will defer that wake up call for as long as possible. It comes though, it surely does - by which time you will be safely out of reach and, I hope, happy.

Abitwobblynow · 23/09/2012 14:50

WalterMitty: there is no doubt in my mind that affairs are addictions. They do not make sense on any other level. It is neither love, nor reality, it is fantasy and escape. You sacrifice everything, in order to ward off a deeper depression/emptiness

That is addiction.

AnyFucker · 23/09/2012 15:01

Not all affairs are "addictions"

I think there are some people who just feel like shagging someone else because they can, and when caught out simply shut down and let their cheated partner drive themselves to distraction to try and make sense of what they have done Sad

Ilovemyteddy · 23/09/2012 16:23

I don't think all affairs are addictions either, but I do think that they can be indicative of an addictive/obsessive personality trait in the cheater.

I had two affairs - one physical and one emotional, both of which my DH knows nothing about. At the time I would have said that the first one was because I 'fell in love' with OM1; the second was, as AF says, because I felt like shagging someone else, although we didn't DTD.

In hindsight, (which is a wonderful thing) and after doing extensive work on myself through counselling, and on forums like MN, I now know that I have an obsessive and selfish personality (tbh I always did know that) and that, without making boundaries for myself (not re-establishing them, because they weren't there in the first place) I would go on to have other affairs. It didn't happen because I don't love my DH or because my marriage is unhappy - quite the contrary. It happened because there is this need in me to, as ABit says, to escape from reality with a bit of fantasy. I controlled my actions every step of the way, as Walter says. At the time I felt that I couldn't stop what was happening. But I could have, at any time. I do recognise that this is not true in all affairs - I'm just giving you my experience of what I did and felt.

To be fair to the OP she has not told us anything about her affair. So we have no idea whether we are talking to someone who had a long affair or an opportunistic shag. We have no idea how she thought she felt about OM, or what he said about how he felt about her.

My advice to her would be to start by understanding why she had the affair in the first place. If she can do that, openly and honestly, without any excuses, and without blaming her DH, then she might go some way to helping her DH to understand why she cheated, and that, in turn, might go some way into helping rebuild his trust and their relationship.

ickywickyyicky · 23/09/2012 16:50

If you actually want to save your marriage - then get your head round the fact that you made the choice. Seeing life as something that happens to you, rather than something you actively participate in and are responsible for will not help you. You can then blame circumstances, or "it just happened", I wanted to keep him/ her as a friend, it didn't really mean anything etc etc., or in my DH's case - I didn't know how to push her away (physically) without hurting her feelings, Possibly wisely, as it now turns out that her husband was not the violent, hard drug taking alcoholic she had claimed - actually it was her and she's been in therapy because of it! Doesn't change the fact that DH was seriously dim, and you only had to look at her FB page to know she was a slapper. There are no excuses - but I judge him now by his actions (or lack thereof) - he has to step up, and if he doesn't then it is his choice.

However it takes two to tango - and hiding behind excuses, rather than taking responsibility for your shit choices will stop you marriage from healing. If you really care, then you will do everything necessary to help your DH heal. And if he needs breathing space, then don't take it as a definite rejection, but as a chance to prove that you will wait as long as he needs. That in itself will prove to him you care. My DH hs sat on his arse feeling sorry for himself - that is selfish guilt. If he really felt guilty about what he has done to me and his DD, then he would be doing whatever it took to prove that we come first.

waltermittymissus · 23/09/2012 17:04

My advice to her would be to start by understanding why she had the affair in the first place. If she can do that, openly and honestly, without any excuses, and without blaming her DH, then she might go some way to helping her DH to understand why she cheated, and that, in turn, might go some way into helping rebuild his trust and their relationship.

Exactly this ^^

domesticgodless · 24/09/2012 09:06

AF I do think abitwobbly has a point. In my own case I had never been an 'addictive' person but for 18 months of my life became obsessed with a selfish wanker (a person much like I was at the time. Probably why I latched onto him). (He's on his third mistress by now so I hear). H and I were talking about separating for months before it happened, and we should have done it, I should have left. I was found out within a week of it starting as completely high and not bothering to cover my behaviour at all; I justified myself that we were already 'separated' but of course living in same house etc, disgusting behaviour on my part. I was thrown out after that and accepted it. Obviously entirely my responsibility no matter how ill I was. But there's no doubt that having a total breakdown which wasn't resolved or treated 2 or 3 months before the event, contributed to my grim and narcissistic behaviour. People who knew me and family etc told me they didn't recognise me at the time, I had a weird empty alien look in my eye according to my mum. I wasn't enjoying myself at all- frequently all I did with the guy was get drunk as fuck in order not to feel anything any more- and I think SOME people who end up in affairs are in the same boat as I was.

It doesn't mean that they don't bear responsibility for what they did of course but personal weakness and abusive behaviour may have complex roots.

Abitwobblynow · 24/09/2012 10:14

I love Teddy's honesty.

SoupDragon · 24/09/2012 10:19

We always had a good relationship No you didn't

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