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Original poster

DH found out I had an affair. Now our marriage is wrecked

222 replies

thisidid · 21/09/2012 14:19

I did something very stupid. It has been over for more than a year. Two days ago DH found out about it and he is devastated. Incandescent. I don't know if we will get past this. We have two beautiful DCs. The past two days have been appalling. The baby has picked up on the stress and has been inconsolable all day. I can't eat, my milk supply is dropping. DH wants a paternity test. We have had such a happy year together, culminating in the birth of DC2, and now everything is in ruins. Words cannot express how much I have hurt him and to witness that is the worst punishment. and to know it is worse for him.

We always had a good relationship, with lots of ups and downs like any couple, but we always used to be strong together. I did this through my own stupid vanity and selfishness. I took him for granted and went chasing ego gratification. I did this to the family I love so much. It turns out that the grass isn't greener, it is sordid and unfulfilling and I wish I had stopped it before things went as far as they did.

I thought that as time went on, my mistake would get lost in the past, but it didn't.

I don't know how to repair our marriage and protect our children, but I will do anything. But I think it my be too late.

OP posts:
Offred · 21/09/2012 21:43

I disagree Cremeegg. Once you get into tit for tat I think your relationship is unlikely to recover. If I was the dh I wouldn't be able to recover from this because of the dc2.

Really I am sorry for you thisidid. Not sure how things will be in the future, you can only take things one day at a time. Can understand the head in the sand reaction but now you are gaining self-awareness don't let your head go back into the sand now.

CremeEggThief · 21/09/2012 21:51

Well that's why I decided not to go down that route in the first place, Offred, as I know if I had given him another chance, I couldn't have stopped myself from it, and it would only have prolonged the hurt for me.

I'm probably not making much sense, as I've had some Wine, but I still think if he cheats on her now it won't be as bad as when she cheated on him.

ILoveToblerone · 21/09/2012 21:59

Waltermittymissus wrote : 'You don't sound like you have a scrap of real remorse in you. That's sad. It's very possible your dh deserves a lot better than you'

And exactly how is this helpful or offering advice to the OP?
You should post elsewhere if you cannot offer anything constructive, other than to flame.

OP - I was cheated on by my partner. I agree with other posters that you have to be totally open and honest no matter how difficult that is. Only then can trust be rebuilt. Your dh will take a long time to get over this if ever, he may never trust you 100% again but it sounds like he is prepared to try to work through this, you owe him a lot for that.

OP you will hopefully learn a great deal from this. It will take months to resolve. I advise counselling and the book 'Just Good Friends' by Shirley Glass may be helpful in the interim.

Fairenuff · 21/09/2012 22:02

It must be a very rare person who doesn't mind being lied to.

Perhaps that sort of person doesn't much rate honesty?

Offred · 21/09/2012 22:06

Ah Cremeegg ConfusedSad you are making sense yes.

MNHQ
OliviaPeaceAndLoveMumsnet · 21/09/2012 22:07

Ahem

AThingInYourLife · 21/09/2012 22:10

It's 2 days in.

Poor bloke is in shock.

His initial reaction based on trying to regain a sense of normality.

Whether he will want to stay in this marriage when reality begins to sink in is very much an open question.

AnyFucker · 21/09/2012 22:15

Olivia, what ?

MNHQ
OliviaPeaceAndLoveMumsnet · 21/09/2012 22:24

Just a reminder I guess that while folk might want a frank pov, Mumsnet's here to make people's lives easier....that is all.

BlameItOnTheCuervo · 21/09/2012 22:25

Ummm, this is pretty civilised. Does someone not like being disagreed with? Should live with my son!

BlameItOnTheCuervo · 21/09/2012 22:26

Xpost. I suppose I just don't see anything reportable.

AnyFucker · 21/09/2012 22:31

Olivia, all is well here

You may sip your gin in peace

Lovingfreedom · 21/09/2012 22:32

Yes...no action is necessary

missjackson · 21/09/2012 22:48

Thisidid Have you suggested counselling? I think if you stay very calm and reassuring and very clear that you want to make your marriage work, in the end it will be okay, but you've got a hell of a long and tough road ahead before he trusts you again. People make mistakes and you are sorry, and that's all you can keep repeating... it will take time but stick to your guns and be utterly patient - I am sure he will go thru many different emotions, ups and downs, and will make life very difficult for you, but you need to be really, really clear that you won't let go. Good luck x

Looksgoodingravy · 21/09/2012 22:57

Fairenuff I really do take exception to your post, love how some people here judge by sitting in their ivory towers!

Offred · 21/09/2012 23:01

Must have missed the "there to make people's lives easier" part of the talk guidelines... Grin

In all seriousness olive it would be helpful if we knew which posts were being objected to.

AnyFucker · 21/09/2012 23:03

olive ? Grin

AnyFucker · 21/09/2012 23:04

Looksgood, I think Fairenuff was reacting to sgb's post, love

Fairenuff · 21/09/2012 23:06

I think we can all agree that cheating is deceiving can't we? The unfaithful partner doesn't tell and creates lies to cover up their whereabouts, etc.

So if a person thinks it's not a big deal to be cheated on, then they don't mind their partner deceivng them or lying to them.

I am questioning why that might be. Is honesty not a priority for them? Therefore, they don't expect it from their partner?

I assume that's the post you took exception to?

Not sure why that puts me in an ivory tower though.

BlameItOnTheCuervo · 21/09/2012 23:09

I judge by "what would I do/how would I feel/what would I say to a friend" no ivory towers here. A 3 bed terrace is fine.

Looksgoodingravy · 22/09/2012 00:16

Sorry Fairenuff jumped in read your post and took it out of context, emotions run high on this subject.

Looksgoodingravy · 22/09/2012 00:18

Didn't realise you were responding to sgb's post.

Offred · 22/09/2012 00:22

*olivia! Grin was walking... To the pub

MardyArsedMidlander · 22/09/2012 09:12

I usually broadly agree with SGB- but I just think that if you don't feel that monogamy is for you, it's best to discuss this with your partner BEFORE you fuck someone else. Not once you have been found out.

And the trouble with all the honesty post-affair is it's a bit 'Yes I was lying to you for two years but NOW I am telling the truth...' Hmm

anairofhope · 22/09/2012 09:35

Cheating is not about lifestyle but one person lieing and deciving another person and taking away that persons right to make informed choices about their life.

It is a big deal because it affects the way you see someone and how you feel about them. You cant build a happy life if you dont trust someone or like them after they hurt you like that - because the cheater knows that what the did or is doing will hurt the other person but they do it anyway.

Sgb i think you have never been married with children and found out your partner has been fucking someone else when you have been at home with the children thinking you have a happy family and life is good!