DH found out I had an affair. Now our marriage is wrecked

[thisidid]

I did something very stupid. It has been over for more than a year. Two days ago DH found out about it and he is devastated. Incandescent. I don't know if we will get past this. We have two beautiful DCs. The past two days have been appalling. The baby has picked up on the stress and has been inconsolable all day. I can't eat, my milk supply is dropping. DH wants a paternity test. We have had such a happy year together, culminating in the birth of DC2, and now everything is in ruins. Words cannot express how much I have hurt him and to witness that is the worst punishment. and to know it is worse for him.

We always had a good relationship, with lots of ups and downs like any couple, but we always used to be strong together. I did this through my own stupid vanity and selfishness. I took him for granted and went chasing ego gratification. I did this to the family I love so much. It turns out that the grass isn't greener, it is sordid and unfulfilling and I wish I had stopped it before things went as far as they did.

I thought that as time went on, my mistake would get lost in the past, but it didn't.

I don't know how to repair our marriage and protect our children, but I will do anything. But I think it my be too late.

I agree with you WMM....she does need to take responsibility and try to convince him that she won't deceive him like that again.

I agree with WMM as well. I'm 99% sure that my DH is only sorry he got caught, not that he did it!

MOSagain :(

I do agree with WMM. I know from experience that I had to be completely honest and truthful with my partner about why i acted the way I did. Its very very important to convince him that cheating is something you will never contemplate again. I also wish you luck OP and hope you and your husband can get through this however painful it may be.

Mos, that must be a horrible feeling

I am not sure why people come on these threads to attempt to make people feel bad about questioning why someone who has actually promised monogamy turns into a lying, deceitful fuckabout ?

If monogamy ain't your thing, I respect that and wouldn't think you were treating somebody badly if you had made it clear you would not be monogamous from the start

but the cunts that these threads are always about have promised monogamy, have led their partners to believe they forsake all other sexual partners, that they would not be foolish to believe they will be faithful to them

it's the deceit

deceitful people are bad people

non-monogamous people (if they are clear about that status) are not bad people

this has been said so often

AF indeed it is The honest truth is, I don't believe I'll ever believe anything he ever says again and divorce is inevitable

Exactly what AF said.

When I was with IT (thats my x) a very nice man was chatting to me, quite a lot, we worked in different offfices but he would visit my office when it was quiet and we would chat.

He then bought me wine and a card, I could have taken it further but even though I was in the marriage from hell I just couldn't, it did cross my mind, ....but nope, too messy, too many people to get hurt, where would it go? I thought of my DC and did nothing, I put a stop to the very mild flirting and changed things between us so he knew I was unhappily married.

Perhaps because I have been through it this made me think more and maybe I would have other-wise but I don't think I would.

One year on, me and IT seperated, the gorgeous Italian was then spoken for and his g/friend was pregnant so that was that.

I have always, well since about 19, been of the opinion, if you don't want to be with someone you move on to next, finishing with current one firstly. I have never cheated on a boyfriend, have always finished it and moved on.

So I don't understand affairs, if you want to be with the person so much, end your marriage first then move on, if you are confused, go for couselling, then either stay or go.

If only everything was so black and white I guess. Maybe my father cheating on my mother helped me with this way of thinking, I don't know. Just my thoughts.

Thinking back I do not regret it as I would have got hell if I had done anything and got caught! I was constantly under suspicion anyway, I might as well have been. I hid the wine and the card from IT at my parents.

I am so sorry, Mos

your husband is a fool

MOS

Being betrayed in this way has been one of the hardest things I've ever faced. To read other posters who have been the betrayer I.e Misguided gives me a sense of what my dp maybe feels now and I do feel he is genuinely sorry and devastated for smashing my world to pieces, dp was the least likely person I would have thought would EVER do this.

OP I hope you can state hand on heart that you are genuinely sorry for the hurt you have caused your dh, it's an awful thing to go through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

But given that the affair has already happened, surely the response to OP's original post is not 'well love, my advice to you is not to f'ing well cheat and lie in the first place'. There must be something else we can say to her...or else just let her get on with ruining her life and her relationship herself.

we can say "your justifications are shit" and will not help you heal your relationship

because the refrain of "she is just sorry she has been caught" is almost certainly running through her partner's mind constantly, and the weak excuses that cheaters trot out as a matter of course will not be an adequate salve in the long run

which is mostly what this thread has been about

Yes...agree...there's no justification...there is only being genuinely sorry for lying, hurting your partner...and to work bloody hard to regain trust when you've just proved that you can't be trusted.

Loving I understand what you're saying but the OPs posts read like someone who has been inconvenienced by the discovery.

And I hope for her DHs sake that she is either honestly sorry for what she's done to HIM, or that he has the strength to leave her.

See I think the OP has been extremely brave posting on here, I hope she is genuinely sorry, hope they're not crocodile tears she is shedding, I've been a poor judge of character though within my own relationship though so what do I know.

Yeah... I'm not really disagreeing. My original post probably should read...well, if you were my wife I'd tell you to go f* yourself..however, IMO your best chance of restoring any kind of lasting, meaningful relationship with your DH, given what you've told us is......

Looksgood I am sorry to hear what you have been through and please believe me I will always always regret what I did to my partner and will always feel remorseful. People make terrible mistakes and I'm sure your partner feels terrible about what he has put you through.

Sbg you think monogany is not natrual and you may be right but that just makes marrage even more spcial because its a vow you make to one person that you will mindfully not have sex with anyone else.

To me its the same type of vow a prist takes to not have sex at all as he is 'married' to God.

There are lots of married couples that have been together for 50 years and not had sex with anyone other than the person they made a vow to.

If you want to have sex with someone else leave or tell your partner as only they can let you out of the vow anything else is decitful lieing and just hurtful to all involved.

Misguided that's why I'm giving my dp a second chance, before this happened I used to believe I'd never forgive and stay with dp if he ever betrayed me but here we are working through the devastation. I love him and I'm holding onto what we had before the shit hit the fan. It's hard, I'm riding the waves but I'm not going to throw away 17 years, dp has shown what I believe to be genuine remorse, he's told me everything, he's told me things I would never have been able to find out and that made the difference in the end.

and so, matilda, having a baby is purely the prerogative of the female is it ?

to apply a band-aid to her conscience

I wonder if her H would have been happy to make a baby, if he knew what he knew now

disgusting behaviour

Not only is it unnatural but to me it seems a bit wierd and unhealthy to mind so very much about it. Repeated breaches of monogamy and casting your partner as either your domestic servant or your financial support while getting your jollies elsewhere is unfair, of course - and it invariably goes along with selfishness in other aspects of the relationship, but feeling attracted to other people and occasionally acting on it... I honestly don't understand why that's such a big deal.

well, you wouldn't, would you ?

Misguided - see there's a lot of what you say that I think is a bit worrying. When you couple the affair being a "moment of madness" and the emails/texts being "unfortunate" with "I will never do it again"; I mean if you are saying the affair was beyond your control and you were a victim of circumstance how can you possibly genuinely believe you wont do it again? If you can say you wont then you must accept that it was not a moment of madness but a choice you made.

I just don't think it is either realistic or believable and the handing over of passwords and the excessive (I think) way you view your affair ("disgusting" etc) just makes me think you have not really examined or faced up to the reasons you had an affair and therefore you cannot commit to never having another affair once you have actually moved on from the devastation and are not being reminded of it in the present.

I think after an affair the cheater needs to start with self awareness and realism which is a better environment for truth and therefore the repairing of things and the person who has been cheated on needs distance to be able to get perspective without influence and after that is when a decision can be better made about where the relationship goes.