DH found out I had an affair. Now our marriage is wrecked

[thisidid]

I did something very stupid. It has been over for more than a year. Two days ago DH found out about it and he is devastated. Incandescent. I don't know if we will get past this. We have two beautiful DCs. The past two days have been appalling. The baby has picked up on the stress and has been inconsolable all day. I can't eat, my milk supply is dropping. DH wants a paternity test. We have had such a happy year together, culminating in the birth of DC2, and now everything is in ruins. Words cannot express how much I have hurt him and to witness that is the worst punishment. and to know it is worse for him.

We always had a good relationship, with lots of ups and downs like any couple, but we always used to be strong together. I did this through my own stupid vanity and selfishness. I took him for granted and went chasing ego gratification. I did this to the family I love so much. It turns out that the grass isn't greener, it is sordid and unfulfilling and I wish I had stopped it before things went as far as they did.

I thought that as time went on, my mistake would get lost in the past, but it didn't.

I don't know how to repair our marriage and protect our children, but I will do anything. But I think it my be too late.

Him finding out about the affair is not what has wrecked your marriage either, he was suspicious enough to look, you having an affair, and probably you lying to him about it are what has wrecked your marriage.

Also not deleting the emails was not stupid. Having the affair and sending emails you wanted to cover up was stupid.

You may find reading Linda MacDonald's How to Help your Spouse Heal and Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends useful as these will help you work out what you need to do to help your DH recover.

He will need lots of time and space to process his emotions and thoughts - finding out the past couple of years was a farce and that nothing was what he thought these were is a real headfuck.

You need to work on yourself to find out why you permitted yourself to have an affair.

Good luck.

Dp drip fed initially. I learned the whole truth over a three week period. I then found a couple more suspect messages dp thought he had deleted which opened up a whole can of worms. He said he'd dug a huge hole and couldn't bring himself to tell me, like you his betrayals were finished, over and done with by the time I found out so I think he just thought it w

yes offred I agree.

Oops, posted too soon.

He thought it would all just go away. These things never do.

Talk, talk about why it happened and just be honest however much it may hurt your dh.

Yes, off. Really the fact that you are still seeing the problem as him finding out isn't a great sign.

The stupidity really wasn't not deleting the emails, but the fact that you had a relationship outside of your marriage. You know that though.

Did you tell him what you've said here? Exactly how you've said it? It might help him to know how bitterly you regret your actions and how desperate you are that you have hurt him like this. Or has that bit of the message got lost in the discussion of the what and when and who?

Good luck thisidid. I really hope you can get through this.

I have told him all of this. I think he does understand how sorry I am. But he doubts whether I have it in me to change and not do something like this again one day.

I understand the point about the source of the problem. I didn't word either of those things well. The fault is mine, completely. It is my own weakness and selfish need for ego gratification that I need to work on.

thank you everyone for your advice and for not flaming me outright, which is what I was expecting tbh. it has been good to be able to talk it out a bit with strangers.

Some people advocate telling a partner about an affair - some maintain that keeping silent about it is the way to go. That was up to OP. Yes, the affair was a mistake - and she's sorry - and is being punished - but there isn't a tried and tested formula regarding discovery.

Oh and does anybody really 'permit' themselves to have an affair? Really? Taking responsibility for it is one thing but there's been a lot of these 'blaming' and 'told you so' posts here recently. What matters is supporting the OP, no?

Oh yes there is a lot of permitting - affairs usually consist of several steps and broken boundaries. Affairs are about the cheater's issues and personality traits - and they need to understand exactly why they chose to cheat as a way of resolving things.

You certainly sound sorry

That you got caught

Feel better now you have got that out AF :)

Very sad story. I don't know if your marriage will survive this but please take care of yourself physically and your children. Your husband deserves the whole truth and you can't put a time limit on how long he will be hurting. Be prepared for him to decide you no longer have a future together.

If he is prepared to give you a second chance things may work out but you have to let him be in the driving seat. If he suggests counselling take that opportunity. He may want total access to your mobile phone and emails. His parents may treat you well but other people he tells may not. Trust takes a long time to build once shattered.

PS "punishing" you should not of course extend to physical abuse.

I don't buy that what is required is "supporting the op" meaning softly softly sympathy without challenging. The best support involves support and challenging when it is appropriate not indiscriminate sympathy IMHO.

Yes, ok it is someone's own decision whether to tell or not. I think it is wrong not to tell because it almost always comes out, because it is a basic level of respect for someone else to tell them something which potentially affects their health and which might affect their feelings about you when that thing is a promise you have made which you have broken. If you don't tell your partner often suffers from the deceit (as in this case - he was suspicious) and then when the discovery happens the two partners are in very different places regarding the affair and the cheated on partner has to deal with not only the affair but the terrible and comprehensive deceit of their supposed partner. Very difficult.

Bear in mind that while he may be angry and hurt, he is not entitled to 'punish' you in any aggressive way. If he becomes violent, starts destroying your possessions or forcing you to have sex, you are still entitled to call the police and have him removed from the home. Yes, you had an affair, which wasn't very nice but nor is it the end of the world: you haven't killed anyone.

Your marriage may survive, it may not, and if it does things will be rough for a while but (again) there will come a point when he will either have to forgive you or walk away, you are not obliged to spend the rest of your life apologizing and doing penance, either.

And yes I agree with sgb on that too.

An affair is not a "mistake".

It is a series of deliberate decisions to betray and deceive.

It very much is who you are and not some unimportant thing you did once.

You are a person who can decide over and over again that you would do something that would destroy your husband.

The first poster was right: what DID you expect?

You sound sorry you got caught.

And awfully sorry for yourself.

That you had another baby since this happened with a man who had no idea what he was married to is appalling.

You brought a child into a relationship you had already broken and tricked your DH into fatherhood with a woman who treats him like shit.

Selfish doesn't cover it.

OP the one thing you will have to have now more than any point in your life is patience, that's if you both want to make a go of it.

Another book and website recommendation would be Surviving an Affair most of the information is here

Can I just ask OP, how did you feel living with your dh knowing what you had done? did you at any point vow to one day tell him or did you think it would all just go away?

You say you have ego/self esteem issues cant YOU be sure you wont do this again?

Can not cant

Have you thought about moving out to give your DH some space to work out what he wants? As what counts is what he wants now.

I also agree about the drip feeding. My STBXH refused to tell me anything about the O.W. he left me for, until TEN weeks later. I don't believe he did it to be deliberately unkind, much as I hate him now, but my God, it set back my recovery and gave me another few very rough weeks, just when I felt I was getting back on an even keel.

I will say at least you sound very remorseful and guilty, and I imagine you are willing to do whatever it takes to make this up to your DH, so that counts for something.

athinginyourlife that was a really interesting and helpful definition of an affair. DH keeps saying he made a 'mistake' and that just makes me more and more angry every time he almost dismisses what he has done. I have just emailed that definition to him and will see what he says.

OP, you know you have done wrong. I have been on the receiving end of what you have done within the past two months so I have an idea how your husband feels. Drip feeding won't have helped. My husband did this and of course I'm now wondering how much more there is he hasn't told me.

As others have said, give him space if he needs it but be available to answer his questions as and when he might have them.

I am trying to work on my marriage but know what DH has done has almost, if not totally, destroyed it. Good luck