DH found out I had an affair. Now our marriage is wrecked

[thisidid]

I did something very stupid. It has been over for more than a year. Two days ago DH found out about it and he is devastated. Incandescent. I don't know if we will get past this. We have two beautiful DCs. The past two days have been appalling. The baby has picked up on the stress and has been inconsolable all day. I can't eat, my milk supply is dropping. DH wants a paternity test. We have had such a happy year together, culminating in the birth of DC2, and now everything is in ruins. Words cannot express how much I have hurt him and to witness that is the worst punishment. and to know it is worse for him.

We always had a good relationship, with lots of ups and downs like any couple, but we always used to be strong together. I did this through my own stupid vanity and selfishness. I took him for granted and went chasing ego gratification. I did this to the family I love so much. It turns out that the grass isn't greener, it is sordid and unfulfilling and I wish I had stopped it before things went as far as they did.

I thought that as time went on, my mistake would get lost in the past, but it didn't.

I don't know how to repair our marriage and protect our children, but I will do anything. But I think it my be too late.

Look it sounds like a very painful situation but I think you shall have to accept that the your marriage is on the rocks and you can't fix it. You can offer everything and more to your husband but he is in the driving seat now and you have to manage this pain.

I would probably refrain from discussion about "what lead to the affair" as this sort of justification tends to make things worse, best left to the confines of a therapist's office.

Clearly something was up for you to risk your family's happiness, but that is not your husband's problem

All the best with keeping your family together.

Just wondering how you are getting on OP?

You should post elsewhere if you cannot offer anything constructive, other than to flame.

Nah, I think I'll continue to post here thanks all the same. Since I can and all!

Look, OP I don't know you from Adam so I have nothing personal against you. But, IMO your posts came across as rather self-pitying and if you come across that way with your DH I can't see him believing that you're sorry for the actual affair, instead of for just being caught out.

I cannot for the life of me see what relevance a monogamy-v-non-monogamy debate has to this situation. Whether people think it's natural or not. It's what OP promised and what her DH believed. That is the material point. That makes it cheating, deceit, dishonesty and complete disrespect. And that's why it's a problem.

Not putting on my judging hat because everyone else has already about covered it.

But i will ask how you are how DH is and how things are for you both at the moment

And regardless of everything else make sure you eat ect and look after yourself because of your baby and other DC's

Reading all this just makes me feel so sad. Two weeks now since I found out in my case about my DH doing this to me. It's just a horrible, horrible thing to happen to anyone, to any couple. Please be as honest as you can and tell him everything. You've got nothing to lose by that (can it get any worse?), and everything to gain. But wait for him to ask you, give him space, he needs time to think.

I was differnet, my DP didn't give me space to think, i don't know if that helped or not.
But he wrote me a letter saying he didn't want to lose me, allowed me to rant and rave at him, my problem came when he carried on hiding things, he wasn't completely open. some things hurt to hear but you need to know them.
Some things hurt to SAY, OP, because it will mean admitting to things you don't want to, and it will mean hurting him and you will think theres no need to extra hurt him after everything, but he needs to hear them so you have to tell him. The sex will probably not mean as much as the lying and hiding things, arranging to meet, what you did.

If he lays a hand to you though, you do not deserve that. No matter what you've done so don't accept it.

And for gods' sake don't do what my DP did and try the same thing on again with two more women two weeks after i found out! That kind of shit will keep the scar open for ever.

I don't know what else to say. I hope you work it out whether it means staying together or splitting up.

I am sooooo tempted to say some very vile things here am on behalf of your DP/DH .. just be honest and open and answer his questions and never repeat what you've done, ever, if he forgives you.

Different lol

Oh dear. So much to say to so many

How old is your baby? You say the relationship ended a over a year ago, how much over a year? Why did you think it was ok to have another baby without your dh knowing what was going on?
At the end of the day Op, you fucked up. You have to let dh do what he needs to (I assume he isn't a abusive) and he if decides on divorce you need to let him without being tempted to play the victim. Without sounding harsh, get sole formula milk in. Stress is making your milk dry up. You brought this on yourself and will have to take the stresses of what you have done.
sgb I have no respect for people who lie and hide things from the person they have promised to be honest to. If people want to sleep with many people or have an open relationship that's fine. But what you don't do is promise to be faithful the shag about anyway. Bringing other people into the marriage without the consent of your dh/dw is disrespectful. If after a few years of marriage you realise you can not be faithful. Tell the person you are married to. Let THEM decide if they want to continue the marriage. Thats respect and the least someone should expect from a spouse.

Well, thank goodness stoning has gone out of fashion. OP, I feel really sorry for you.. I've been caught before, twice actually, and it's horrid. I think I didn't eat for a week the first time. But, it will pass. And you will be OK.
I think that you are not at all poor me and honestly aware about the reasons for the affair.. And yes,Ladies they matter..
Some times adultery can be just for fun.. Other times the most extreme act of passive aggression..
However, tonight OP, sleep well, throw the destructive book of 'normal' out of the window.. We can have opinions, but you are in the relationship, and the only rules, values and outcomes will be yours...

You've been caught twice thegoodwife? Did you cheat on the same person twice? Just curious. I just don't see why or how you could do that to another person. Of course every situation is different but OP said this affair happened because of vanity so there really isn't anyone else to blame!

and it's horrid. I think I didn't eat for a week the first time. But, it will pass. And you will be OK.
Oh you poor thing, you didn't eat for a week? Must have been awful for you. its not like you cause the situation, oh that's right. You did.
You post comes across as very selfish.

Thegoodwife - can you please tell me how you an have fun knowing that what you are done could hurt your partner and leave emotional or mental isuess for the rest of their lives. That they could leave you over it and affect the lives of their children for life and how ypur children see relationships. How can you have fun when it could destroy other peoples lives for a long time?

TheGoodWife- the person who cheats is ALWAYS 100% to blame for the affair, or in your case, affairs.

I resent your insinuation that both partners in the relationship are to blame for one of them choosing to cheat.

I wouldn't resent it. People selfish enough to cheat (especially more than once) like to blame others. They can ease their guilt and est again.

You're right there actually, Lydias.

I sometimes wonder if the general rule now is that there can be no 'rehabilitation' for a person who has an affair.

Once a person has been condemned for this what punishment would be considered acceptable? Do those of you here who entirely condemn the OP think that she and indeed all people who have ever had an affair are disgusting, irredeemable and can never change? This is a genuine question.

You will be able to tell from this post that I was unfaithful myself. I have bipolar disorder and it took place in the context of a great deal of bizarre and out of control behaviour. But I lied repeatedly to my ex husband - despite the fact that I was so out of it, I didn't even make the effort to conceal what I was doing! I was suicidal too intermittently during that period, and asked him, when he found out, if he would kill me as I didn't deserve to live. He was disgusted and told me I was dead to him anyway. When I was sectioned for a brief period he refused to visit me in the respite centre and would not speak to me or bring the children to see me; I think that he sees me as a fundamental liar and manipulator and that I engineered my crises to get attention. I should think that a lot of you on this thread would think the same.

Despite the fact that I am clearly not mentally stable I accept that choice of mine was involved. I chose not to question my own crazy feelings and impulses and simply to go with them, rather than to seek the help I needed and face up to the fact that I had become an abuser. (I did go to psychiatric A and E during the time period but they were of no help at all really and I wasn't properly medicated for bipolar until it was too late).

As to the punishments received for my behaviour: I didn't love my h romantically (we had lived near separate lives for years) but I lost my best friend, several other friends, my home, half my time with my children, and my job, for complicated reasons to do with the children's residence.

Since the event I've become a bit of a shell: agoraphobic, panic attacks, career stalled as can't really work, frequently suicidal although I know I must stay alive so as not to let my children down further.

Posters on this thread were very nice to me when I posted about my subsequent very abusive relationship (he cheated on me too! I forgave that because of my own weakness, I couldn't really judge him). Perhaps if they had known what I said above they would have condemned me to what I deserve.

I have met other women who had affairs and the reasons are often complex. Should they all be condemned to lifetime punishment and misery? This as I say is a genuine question. I guess for what I did I have condemned myself but I don't really blame women who don't, after all self hate is a path with no real end except suicide.

Cheating is a bad thing. But a cheater is not always a bad person. I also believe that just because you have cheated once, it does not mean you will again.
The key is in the cheaters actions when found out. The op, like thegoodwife is talking about themselves. About the awful effect on them. They haven't eaten etc.
That is not a good indication that this is a one off. This is an indication they are quite selfish and can't/ don't want to grasp what they have done and are still thinking about themselves as they did when they cheated.
I do condemn people who ruin others lives then bleat on about 'oh poor me'

So I guess what I am asking is (sorry to rant about myself it's a bad day today and I'm a bit out of it) do those who condemn the OP think she should suffer as punishment? Be alone with her baby in a small flat? Earn and suffer the hatred of her partner?

Obviously it is her partner's choice if he forgives and stays with her. But I feel that posters on here want to see her punished and suffering. Would that really help anything or would it just serve some idea of 'justice'?

domestic what a tragic story. I really hope things improve for you soon.

Here's the thing though: most if not all of us who have been hard on the OP have been critical of her reaction to your dh finding out, not just of the affair itself. She seemed sorry that her life was being turned upside down. She seemed sorry that she'd been found out. But she didn't seem very sorry for the world of pain she has caused her dh and will possibly cause to her children.

You were very, very unwell. You didn't go out of your way to lie and be deceitful. You got sick. You seem devestated by what you did even know you had little control over it.

Op says she did it out of vanity. And she makes constant reference to have great her life has been and now isn't. That's what I have a problem understanding!

Affairs are not black and while because humans ate complicated. But in this case it seems to be that she was bored, shagged someone and is now whining that she got caught. Your circumstances are vastly different and that's more than likely why you got such different responses.

Do those of you here who entirely condemn the OP think that she and indeed all people who have ever had an affair are disgusting, irredeemable and can never change? This is a genuine question

I think it depends on the answer to this question - Who do you blame for your cheating?

If you do not take 100% of the responsibility, you probably cannot be trusted not to do it again. You are, in effect, saying that external circumstances contributed so you will be subject to that possibly happening again. In that case, you would be unlikely to change.

thegoodwife Other times the most extreme act of passive aggression

Cheating is not passive. It's the opposite in fact and takes a lot of active organising and planing in order to continue the affair or cover up. Making up lies, remembering them, deleting text messages and emails, taking roundabout routes and going out of your way to meet up, etc.

Her punishment (although I feel that's a strange word for it) is dealing with the consequences whatever they may be. Part of the is accepting SHE is to blame for the affair and she needs to take the fall out and stop thinking about how its effecting her.

charlearose... I think your post really makes the point incredibly well. It's the sort of post that would make me stop and think.

I see things like "if you're going to sleep around, don't get married, blah blah blah" all the time and I wonder whether those posters actually think about what they write - or why they even bother sometimes. I can't think of anybody who takes their vows with the intention of not faithfully following them. Not a one.

People make mistakes - and yes, I would say it is a mistake - an error of judgement might be another term for it. There doesn't seem to be a proper term for the monumental consequences and pain of an affair. Those "100 steps" that precede stepping over a line are not clear cut, 99 of those steps may well be nothing more significant than innocent activities you could carry out with any friend/work colleague. It's the activity over the line that is the inappropriate one and all the ones after, by which time it is way too late. This is, I think, why some people say, "It just happened" or "I don't know what happened". Circumstances can change in a flash and it isn't about people 'giving themselves permission' (another misnomer), but not having regard for what is happening and making themselves take a step back and consciously thinking about the possible consequences and imagining the pain, in real terms, to their loved ones and those of their 'partner in crime'.

If you have never been in a position where the choices that you could make - or have made - have the potential to completely wreck your life - and you make them anyway, then really, you cannot have any empathy or real understanding of the situation here. It doesn't mean that there needs to be sympathy but surely support is not about chucking hackneyed 'stock phrases' about, nor hurling accusations and passing judgements? If that's all that I could manage in my online leisuretime, I'd be very dissatisfied with what I'd achieved.

I just wish that some of the advice here was less hectoring sometimes; it's not amusing that Olivia/MNHQ has to drop in and round up the buns.

Thinking of you, OP, and hoping that you're ok with what you have to deal with in the future. I wouldn't post back to satisfy gleeful appetites for updates.

Well Lydias I 'bleat on' about poor me I guess, it's what I've got left. I am sorry for myself but I dont' expect anyone else to be.

The OP does not sound to me as if she's blaming anyone else although I do agree with other posters on here that her particular upset here is having got caught. No judgement here from me (how could there be?) but I recognise that- since when you cheat you build a weird fantasy world, where nothing you do can really hurt anyone. When you realise that in fact you have committed a gross act of abuse, the shock (yes really! because you have deluded yourself so thoroughly) and guilt and self-hatred are so overwhelming that you can 'cut off' and go into denial (I did this for years on and off and I know a few others who have done it. The worst delusion seems to occur when spouses accept the behaviour which imho happens somewhat more often when the spouse is a wife: I've met men who are onto their third mistress and still blaming their wives for it).

OP clearly felt guilty before but didn't want to ruin the marriage and her children's lives (but also her own) by fessing up. This to me is understandable although I guess what I don't understand is being so coolly in control of yourself that your spouse notices nothing for years and then going back to a 'happy' life. (Again no judgement OP sorry if it sounds that way). Denial's a very powerful thing. Tbh it may be a good thing OP got found out, so she will no longer feel as if her behaviour doesn't really hurt anyone (I felt that way for a while, it was deluded of course).