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Original poster

DH found out I had an affair. Now our marriage is wrecked

222 replies

thisidid · 21/09/2012 14:19

I did something very stupid. It has been over for more than a year. Two days ago DH found out about it and he is devastated. Incandescent. I don't know if we will get past this. We have two beautiful DCs. The past two days have been appalling. The baby has picked up on the stress and has been inconsolable all day. I can't eat, my milk supply is dropping. DH wants a paternity test. We have had such a happy year together, culminating in the birth of DC2, and now everything is in ruins. Words cannot express how much I have hurt him and to witness that is the worst punishment. and to know it is worse for him.

We always had a good relationship, with lots of ups and downs like any couple, but we always used to be strong together. I did this through my own stupid vanity and selfishness. I took him for granted and went chasing ego gratification. I did this to the family I love so much. It turns out that the grass isn't greener, it is sordid and unfulfilling and I wish I had stopped it before things went as far as they did.

I thought that as time went on, my mistake would get lost in the past, but it didn't.

I don't know how to repair our marriage and protect our children, but I will do anything. But I think it my be too late.

OP posts:
Abitwobblynow · 21/09/2012 16:35

answer his questions as honestly as you can. Focus on taking complete responsibility. YOU enjoyed the attention. YOU like being made to feel like a queen. YOU weren't thinking of anyone else.

Apologise. A thousand times. For throwing away what you had, for the insult of devalueing him. Mourn your loss. Articulate out loud what you have thrown away.

Also, talk about what was not great about the affair. The sordidness the emptiness or whatever. What it cost you.

Apologise.
There is a good book. 'How to help your spouse heal' by Linda J Macdonald. You need to get what you have done.

Good luck.

sdonnan1973 · 21/09/2012 16:48

Op at least the truth is out, that at least gives your marriage a chance of surviving. In my experience the OH always knows inside when an affair has occurred or is occurring and the longer this goes on for the greater toxicity the affair has on the marriage. Obviously it would have been better for you to have admitted before being exposed.my thoughts are with you and I hope it all works out.

AnyFucker · 21/09/2012 17:09

it also might have been better to let your husband know the reality of his marriage before conceiving another baby with him

that is unforgiveable, IMO

panicnotanymore · 21/09/2012 17:16

I agree with Sdonnan - your DH already knew, he just didn't have the certainty he has now. The spouse always knows something is going on.

You need to accept that your marriage may not survive this, as it is very very hard to take back a cheat. If I were you I would move out. Your absence will give him space to heal and time to miss you. Right now the sight of you probably makes him feel a bit sick.

Counselling only works if both parties are open to the idea. Don't drag him along if he is against it. Personally I'd rather gouge out my eye balls with a teaspoon than go to counselling.

misguided08 · 21/09/2012 17:23

Hi - I understand completely where you are coming from op. all I can say is that I have made the same mistake and myself and my partner are still together two years on. At times it has been very hard as I don't think I will ever fully forgive myself for causing my partner hurt and pain. I still at times feel overwhelming waves of guilt but they are not as frequent as we have worked very hard at improving things. I have been completely transparent and honest about everything which I know has helped to build the trust back up - when I say everything I mean he has access to my phone, emails etc which I unfortunately used to be secretive over before.

misguided08 · 21/09/2012 17:25

Just to add we also attended counselling at relate which was very helpful and I saw an individual counsellor for many months to sort my own issues out. I found this to be very beneficial. I certainly don't subscribe to the idea "once a cheat always a cheat" as I know I would never make the same destructive seedy mistake again.

Offred · 21/09/2012 17:31

"unfortunately" Hmm

misguided08 · 21/09/2012 17:46

I presume that was directed at me offred - I mean unfortunately in the sense that I was such an idiot to enter into an affair. I look at it now as a completely destructive moment of madness - and for a small period of time I did become secretive and basically someone I really disliked.

AnyFucker · 21/09/2012 17:57

I think you'll find describing an affair as a "moment of madness" has been pretty much discredited upthread

AThingInYourLife · 21/09/2012 18:04

Yes, I agree *AnyFucker.

Poor bastard can't even kick her out because she's breastfeeding his baby.

Horrible.

misguided08 · 21/09/2012 18:09

It must be nice to be perfect!

Offred · 21/09/2012 18:10

Must be nice to pass off deliberate deception as "unfortunate"...

AnyFucker · 21/09/2012 18:11

Not perfect. I just don't condone letting people off the hook for bad behaviour, and even less so when people do it for themselves.

AThingInYourLife · 21/09/2012 18:12

It must be nice to have convinced yourself that only perfect people don't fuck around behind their spouse's back.

Offred · 21/09/2012 18:12

If it was a "moment of madness" then why would there be emails etc and why would you have been trying to cover them up.

Deluded.

I can respect someone who takes responsibility for the crappy things they have done but not people who bleat about "moments of madness" and "unfortunate" turns of events...

puds11 · 21/09/2012 18:15

I don't think it makes you perfect not to cheat on you DH, i think it just makes you respect your vows.

misguided08 · 21/09/2012 18:16

I have taken full responsibility by being completely honest with my partner about things thank you- also straight after things had happened. Nice to know that the op and others have received judgemental attitudes. Thought people here were meant to provide support?

misguided08 · 21/09/2012 18:17

And also in my case I wasn't married at the time and a lot younger and naive.

Offred · 21/09/2012 18:18

Again with the support card.

What you have written here is not taking responsibility.

"being supportive" is not the same as not challenging people when they make excuses.

MOSagain · 21/09/2012 18:18

sadly misguided at lot of the posters on here, me included, have suffered the awful reality of finding out their spouse has had an affair Sad

AnyFucker · 21/09/2012 18:21

Where did you hear that, mis ?

You will get the truth here, which is supportive in itself

Nobody has said you are a bad person have they ? Nobody has said they think you shouldn't get another chance. Nobody has said they hope your husband tells you to bog off.

But don't be surprised if people pick you up on your behaviour

And that is helpful for actually, because all these thoughts will have gone, or will be still going through, your husband's head

And just because they make you feel uncomfortable, it doesn't mean you can brush them under the carpet

AnyFucker · 21/09/2012 18:22

helpful for you

Offred · 21/09/2012 18:23

It is very patronising and incorrect to assume that negative responses to cheating come only from those with broken hearts.

It isn't the cheating as much as the excuse-making and the deception that winds me up.

Leverette · 21/09/2012 18:23

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misguided08 · 21/09/2012 18:24

I'm genuinely not here to start arguments and I'm not here to upset people. I have just tried to share my experience which I know was a disgusting horrible one. But people are not infallible and I had an affair at a very vulnerable time of my life where i looked for support and what I thought was "friendship" in all of the wrong places. I will forever regret what I did but what I was trying to say to the op is that with a lot of work and transparency there is hope to rebuild her marriage.